How I accept that I'm not pretty

[Sophieros23]

How can I accept and love myself when I'm ugly??

So, your family, aided by bullies, have done a number on your developing brain and embedded horrible negative self talk into you. It's hard to push that to one side when it's been pushed in there by adults who should have known and done better.

I agree with PP, I think effort and a bit of pampering can really make someone look a bit better.
Do example getting your hair done, putting on some mascara and weight control.
Also dressing niceley and smelling niceley.

Don't feel yours ugly and you can't do anything about it! Use that feeling to spur you on to making yourself look better :-)

Leaving aside for a second the fact that you're probably don't look nearly as bad as you think you do, why do you think that your appearance dictates whether you're worthy of self love and acceptance.

Your appearance is not who you are, its a shell, a container, to hold the person you are inside. Hell, for most of human history people never got a good look at themselves. No mirrors, windows etc. Only way you were getting a look at yourself was in some particularly calm water. Those people still had a sense of self, a sense that they knew who they were.

So who are you? What things do you enjoy, what things make you sad. Are you kind, funny, intelligent, imaginative, determined? Is your idea of a perfect day being curled up under a blanket with a good book, or being the life and soul of the party.

You is a set of behaviours and emotions and qualities, not the meatbag holding it together. You don't enjoy the wine because the bottle looked pretty, you enjoy the flavours. You don't love a book because the cover looked stunning, you loved the story. You are the flavours, the story. Ignore the cover, learn to love the person instead.

Same here! I was the ugly one l, my siblings were the pretty ones. Were you the family scapegoat as well?

Hi op -it’s such a difficult place to be in. It’s all well and good people saying focus on the inside and work with what you’ve got, but when you constantly feel defeated when you look in the mirror, it’s just hard. I struggle too. Im trying really hard to not judge myself for feeling this way and to work my way through where those feelings come from and where my core belief about what beauty is supposed to be has come from. I’m starting to see that what I look like is literally the least important thing about me. The way I behave and treat people, the relationships I have, my health, the way I spend my time are all so much more important than what I look like. So I do try to do the best with what I’ve got, (but not in a way that I’m hiding behind a mask) and then I focus on who and what is important to me. It’s helping - but it’s still hard.

In what way do YOU think you're ugly OP? Never mind what you've been told. What do you consider 'wrong' with your appearance, specifically? I ask because unless you're one of the vanishingly few people who have a full set of conventionally unattractive features, it's far more likely that you're just an ordinary looking women who, if she so chose, could 'elevate' her appearance to conventionally attractive levels.

I’m objectively not pretty nor beautiful but I’m told by friends repeatedly that I’m beautiful and stunning, and it’s because I laugh alot and make people laugh and feel good. Also, I’m overweight but find a good red lipstick is a great piece of armour

I’m sure most people had much better self esteem in the old pre SM days when we weren’t being bombarded constantly with images of stunningly beautiful surgically enhanced women and 60 year old celebs who look about 30. I grew up in the 60s and 70s and pop/film stars etc then were mostly not unrealistically beautiful, just naturally attractive and well presented. Yes you got your Elizabeth Taylors Marilyn Monroes etc but looking at them didn’t somehow make you feel bad about yourself.

Ah I see. You’ve had cruel and abusive people in your life who’ve shaped how you feel. It’s bloody awful that you were subject to this. I don’t know what to suggest, except that some form of counsellling may help. I guess you need to find a way to ‘talk back’ to those negative voices they have put in your head. Those are their voices in your head. You need to find a way to stop making them your voice.

Your partner has chosen to be with you so I very much doubt he thinks you're ugly.

Like previous posters have said, most people are fairly average looking. Walk down your local high street, it's not wall to wall supermodels.

Sadly some nasty people have damaged your self esteem

Wow what a wonderful post!

OP, I was going to say - so much less eloquently! - that half of all the people you know are less-than-averagely-good looking, but still they accept and love themselves.

My guess: your bad feelings are not caused by your looks, but rather you are using your looks as a stick to beat yourself with.

Yes I was the scape goat blamed for everything and mocked about my weight always told what to eat and not eat my sister wasn't because she fitted the mould of what they seen as good enough It was my grandma and uncle that I lived.
It didn't stop until I left home.

Are you ugly though or is it all in your head? If you're "average" then diet, dressing well and confidence go a long way and can make you look "pretty". Positive self-talk and posture are also very important.

If you have features that are considered "ugly" that you can't accept and are making you feel depressed you could look into getting a bit of subtle cosmetic surgery.

Most people aren't pretty, just as most of us are not rich or hugely talented. You can have a good life without any of those things if you don't waste it obsessing about what you don't have.

No decent surgeon would operate on someone with the psychological trauma from an abusive upbringing that OP is suffering from.

Lots of good advice here on making the best of your looks, OP.

But the worst thing is that bullies ruined your self-esteem when you were at an impressionable age. Do get some counselling to deal with that. Or simply say No to their mean voices in your head. Not just about your looks — you probably have a low opinion of yourself generally. And you can learn to combat that.

A loving partner is a big help. I was never pretty, though my DH thinks I’m beautiful. Cameras and mirrors would not agree, but he is looking with the eyes of love!

You had a shit childhood with people who didn't value you - probably due to their own upbringing. That doesn't make you ugly. It makes them ugly. Therapy or counselling was suggested up thread. That's an excellent idea.

I'm just some random person on the internet but I can honestly say, hand on heart, that in my entire life spanning almost 50 years, I don't think I have ever met a woman I actively considered super unattractive. There is no doubt that there are people who when you meet them you think, "oh my word, she is so pretty/beautiful/striking etc" but I honestly have never met a woman and thought, "wow, she's ugly". People simply aren't ugly. There's a reason that actors have to wear loads of make up to portray the really ugly people - it's because normal people just aren't like that.

You may be very overweight, and that is a separate issue, but quite honestly, the one truth about overweight people is that their faces often actually look better.

I try to look for a nice thing in every face including my own. I always find it. Ultimately looks shouldn't factor onto any relationships apart from romantic/sexual ones. Believe your partner. Some people are shallow enough for looks to matter to them but ultimately they are people you don't want in your life anyway.

Two things.

1. I'm 95% sure you are much prettier than you think you are. When I was in my 20s I felt very much like this. I was convinced that if I were more conventionally pretty everything in my life would fall into place. Now I look at photographs of myself then and realise I was objectively gorgeous. It was self-doubt and society talking. You have to be really tough with yourself and tell yourself you are beautiful, you are loved. It sounds like bollocks but it works. Don't allow yourself to be ground down by self doubt.
2. Being pretty is over-rated. It has almost nothing to do with the things we think it dictates. It doesn't make you more sexually attractive (in spite of what we're told). The thing that really does make you more sexually attractive is confidence and that is something you do control. It won't make people love you. It won't get you a better job or make you more intelligent. It's subjective window-dressing.

I don't know how old you are, I suspect fairly young. The way you feel is very common for younger woman and it's not you, it's to do with the pressure society heaps on women to worry about their appearance all the time.

Working to be more "pretty" won't help you here (and will probably make it worse". Work on your confidence. It's a key that unlocks all these other things.

I get it OP. I'm ugly - not average, not pretty on the inside or once you get to know me - ugly. I do all the stuff people suggest with clothes and makeup and hair but ultimately you can't polish a turd.

In beauty I am not a star
Others are handsomer by far
But my face I don't mind it, for I am behind it.
It's the folks in front what get the jar.

Slightly more helpfully. Suppose you are actually plain. I can't see you, so what the fuck do I know? Maybe you are.

So let's suppose you are. So what? Plain doesn't mean worthless. You're still human, still created in God's image/an astonishingly unlikely confection of stardust (take your pick). You're the only you there has ever been or ever will be in the universe.

I've had people (strangers and friends) tell me I'm not pretty/am ugly but they're only saying what they see. I'm not blind, I know what I look like. It's very dismissive when people try and tell you that you're wrong about it. Like someone telling you that the sky is green when you can see perfectly wel that it's blue.

Hi OP. I’m sorry to hear you are feeling that way. As others as have said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the only persons thoughts you need to be concerned with are your own. the mind is an incredibly powerful tool. You can recondition and unlearn thoughts and create new ones. When you constantly tell yourself X, it reinforces the neurological pathways and strengthens those beliefs. So, one of the best things to do I found, was to stand in the mirror every morning and rather than pick my self apart, I would focus on the positives. My eyes, smile etc and anything else I could identify. Every day, I told myself I am beautiful because X, Y and Z. It sounds completely daft but it’s scientifically backed and it helps and goes a very very long way in improving your confidence. You have to force the thoughts and repeat repeat repeat. Even if you think… wtf - sounds vain etc… just give it a go! And follow the practical advice - get your hair done, a bit of nice makeup etc and you’ll feel a million dollars in no time 😁 x

Also, beauty is subjective.