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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not let baby see MIL on mothers day?

142 replies

Sugargliderwombat · 14/03/2023 23:17

So my mum is 2 hours away, MIL 5 mins.

Baby is a few months old and does NOT sleep in the car, we've tried for up to 50 minutes, it does not happen. When she's tired he screams and screams, if well rested she happily looks out of the window and coos.

She also does not nap for more than 20 minutes in the pram.

I'm seeing my mum on mothers day and EBF so taking the baby. I'll have get her to nap on me in the morning (so it's a good one) then leave straight away to get to a town 45 minutes away where my mum will meet me. We've got lunch then a walk around where she will hopefully nap and I can drive home, stopping to feed / calm along the way.

OH has since said he wants to take the baby to his mums in the morning, so she will miss her morning nap and mess up the whole plan for the day, because she will be overtired, cry the whole way there and so be too stressed to sleep in the pram.

I've said no (nicely) as its mothers day and so she doesnt need to be there, just him. He thinks im being unreasonable, am I?

OP posts:
Tandora · 16/03/2023 08:25

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 16/03/2023 05:27

You wouldn’t expect your sons to come visit you when they are older? Jesus your bar is low

No. I frequently didn’t see my parents on Mother’s and Father’s Day because as an adult I moved 150 miles away. I sent a card - and later when not a skint student a gift or flowers - and I rang them for a chat.

Now as a mother to young adults the same is true. A nice acknowledgment of Mother’s Day and a chat on the phone because they are in a different stages of their lives. I’m secure in their love for me and mine for them; I don’t need them to fly to my side for a Sunday in March to prove it.

the poster I wasn’t responding to wasn’t talking specifically about Mother’s Day, she said any day of the year 😱

Thepossibility · 16/03/2023 08:47

Simonjt · 16/03/2023 05:27

In which case the babies dad can veto the baby seeing his MIL.

Show quote history

I hope I am misunderstanding this comment because the dad doing this would be refusing OP getting to see her mum on Mother's Day at all because she is the source of baby's food and is obligated to stay with the baby.
That is a bit chilling, controlling and borderline abusive sounding to me.
Very happy for someone to explain that I've misunderstood however.

Sleepless1096 · 16/03/2023 08:59

SomeMoreGinPlease · 16/03/2023 08:10

This x 100. It is his child too. He is allowed to take her to his mum for a little bit and then come back so you can see yours witth the baby. Everyone would be happy that way but I forgot how much MN seems to despise MIL's. I am not a MIL either before anyone asks.

Show quote history

But he can't feed the baby. What does he do if the baby needs a feed?

Original poster
Sugargliderwombat · 16/03/2023 09:07

ModeWeasel · 16/03/2023 08:13

If the positions were reversed what would you do?

if not the same thing (which I expect) then YABU.

Depends which roles you mean, fathers day? Of course! She'll be going with him as a priority and I'm sure he would prioritise his dad.

OP posts:
Lcb123 · 16/03/2023 09:13

It all sounds very regimented-if you have the chance to see both mums then I’d do it. Baby needs to learn to be flexible

Original poster
Sugargliderwombat · 16/03/2023 09:14

Lcb123 · 16/03/2023 09:13

It all sounds very regimented-if you have the chance to see both mums then I’d do it. Baby needs to learn to be flexible

I just laughed out loud at this 🤣🤣🤣. The baby sure bloody does, i cannot wait for the day I can burn the rocking chair. In the meantime I won't be choosing mothers day to let her skip naps.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 16/03/2023 09:23

MangoPi · 16/03/2023 07:03

lol where have i seen this thread before

Right. It’s like Deja Vu. 😂😉

The level of laziness should not surprise me but it does. Why bother commenting if too lazy to read the OP’s comments. Just going to turn into another pile on of lazy posters screaming “yabu, wait til you have grandchildren, etc” while not taking into account that the whole situation has been sorted and everyone is being seen.

Should probably start a bingo on just phrases alone.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 16/03/2023 09:27

I don't understand the issue, if MIL only lives 5 mins away can't she come over anytime when it suits you (or equally DH take the baby)??

cadburyegg · 16/03/2023 09:35

You wouldn’t expect your sons to come visit you when they are older? Jesus your bar is low

Nope. I want my children to visit me because they want to, not because I "expect" them to. My children will always be welcome in my house, and won't need to wait to be invited, but I won't be imposing expectations on how they must visit me every Sunday with their children, like my ex mil used to do. It was very stifling.

My mum is the same with me. I know I can call on her anytime, but she doesn't expect things of me. Just like she helps me with childcare because she wants to, I don't expect her to, and I never take it for granted.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 16/03/2023 09:48

Divebar2021 · 14/03/2023 23:27

Well it’s his child too…. Presumably. Why are you in a position to veto anything?

Well who would be dealing with the fallout - an overtired, grumpy baby refusing to sleep and possibly screaming the place down?

The DH wouldn't be and why would you want to inflict that unnecessarily on your DW?

Hillarious · 16/03/2023 09:53

Isn't this what Whatsapp is for?

AffableApple · 16/03/2023 10:21

Lcb123 · 16/03/2023 09:13

It all sounds very regimented-if you have the chance to see both mums then I’d do it. Baby needs to learn to be flexible

OMG, I wish I knew i could just tell my babies to be more flexible. Middle of the night upset? Guys, just wait until morning for feeding/nappy changes/comfort. Crying in the carseats? Guys, we're 20 minutes away from the "good" service station, can't we plough on a bit?

bussteward · 16/03/2023 10:22

Lcb123 · 16/03/2023 09:13

It all sounds very regimented-if you have the chance to see both mums then I’d do it. Baby needs to learn to be flexible

Have you met a baby

GoodChat · 16/03/2023 10:24

Lcb123 · 16/03/2023 09:13

It all sounds very regimented-if you have the chance to see both mums then I’d do it. Baby needs to learn to be flexible

Yeah just tell your baby to grow up OP!

Paramummy3 · 16/03/2023 10:28

This all sounds very regimented. Can baby nap in the car on the way to visit MIL? Can baby nap on MIL or at her house before you set off to see your mum? Could you all go out for breakfast?

Noonesperfect · 16/03/2023 11:15

@GoodChat "Yeah just tell your baby to grow up OP!"
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. Hilarious isn't it, the baby should be more flexible! I think the MIL and DH need to be more flexible. OP YADNBU. You are putting your child's needs first, because you are a good mummy.

RosaBonheur · 16/03/2023 11:17

Paramummy3 · 16/03/2023 10:28

This all sounds very regimented. Can baby nap in the car on the way to visit MIL? Can baby nap on MIL or at her house before you set off to see your mum? Could you all go out for breakfast?

She literally says in the OP that her baby will not sleep in the car. So the baby needs to have her nap before they get in the car.

Tandora · 16/03/2023 12:21

baby needs to learn to be flexible

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Elle2023 · 16/03/2023 12:47

Sorry OP you don’t have a DH/MIL problem you have a BABY problem. Baby definitely needs to learn to be more flexible 😂😂😂

How selfish can one baby be 😂😂😂

Teder · 16/03/2023 12:50

Elle2023 · 16/03/2023 12:47

Sorry OP you don’t have a DH/MIL problem you have a BABY problem. Baby definitely needs to learn to be more flexible 😂😂😂

How selfish can one baby be 😂😂😂

I couldn’t agree more. Your baby needs to underhand that adults needs come first. It’s much more important that both grandmas see the baby on grandmothers erm I mean Mother’s Day than the baby is settled and happy.

5128gap · 16/03/2023 12:53

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2023 23:25

It's Mother's Day, not MIL day. You get to see your Mum and you need to take baby as EBF. Your DH can take her to see his Mum later in the day if he's up for it. But don't let him disrupt your plans.

You're absolutely right. It's mother's day and the OPs husband should make it about his mother not his MiL, and take the baby to see her. His MiL can see the baby when it's not mother's day!😂

Teder · 16/03/2023 12:54

Mustbeme124 · 15/03/2023 14:35

As a mother of boys this thread makes me sad and I hope if I ever have a daughter in law she doesn’t dictate and prioritise her own family which seems to happen. Your husband’s mother is also a mother and grandmother and has as much right to see her son and grandchild as your mum. It’s like the maternal grandmother always gets priority in these situations. And god forbid the dad wants to see his own mum and take his own child to see his own mum
on Mother’s Day.
There must be a fair compromise so nobody misses out and like previous poster have suggested you can work something out that will work for everyone.

As a human, some of these comments make me sad. Nobody has the right to see a child, certainly not a grandparent. Even parents don’t have rights, they have responsibilities. OP is being responsible to her child; she is meeting her young baby’s needs in the best way possible.

It’s her first Mother’s Day and she has a young baby, where is the fairness for her? This child is not an object to be taken to appease the adults. The father cannot feed the baby, so the baby stays with the mother.

ArdeteiMasazxu · 16/03/2023 13:11

YANBU to say no to your DH's specific plan, but there's almost certainly a compromise - if she's literally only 5minutes away couldn't the baby see MIL for half an hour between breakfast and morning nap - there has to be some activity between eating and sleeping and it might as well be a quick visit to Grandma. So long as the morning nap isn't skipped/disrupted, both grandmas get those special baby cuddles. If DH/MIL are being obstructive and uncaring about the morning nap happening then sod them - they aren't the ones who will have to deal with a cross and overtired baby if that happens, so they don't get to impose their will in than case.

DarkShade · 16/03/2023 13:32

Totally agree. It's mother's day, not baby's day! Your baby needs to buckle up her ideas.

But no, your solution sounds good. I remember the days where one trip to the cafe required an entire days Naps scheduled by the minute....

Mustbeme124 · 16/03/2023 16:14

Oh ffs you’re focusing on one word. Okay ‘right’ wasn’t the correct term. Nobody has a right to see a child but if they are kind, loving, caring relatives and have given you no reason not to see their children and grandchildren and then one set of grandparents shouldn’t always be prioritised on special occasions. Not saying the OP does that but I have seen it happen in my own family so I’m just talking from experience.
And I do like my parents in law. They are lovely and I make the effort to make sure they are in my children’s life.