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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not let baby see MIL on mothers day?

142 replies

Sugargliderwombat · 14/03/2023 23:17

So my mum is 2 hours away, MIL 5 mins.

Baby is a few months old and does NOT sleep in the car, we've tried for up to 50 minutes, it does not happen. When she's tired he screams and screams, if well rested she happily looks out of the window and coos.

She also does not nap for more than 20 minutes in the pram.

I'm seeing my mum on mothers day and EBF so taking the baby. I'll have get her to nap on me in the morning (so it's a good one) then leave straight away to get to a town 45 minutes away where my mum will meet me. We've got lunch then a walk around where she will hopefully nap and I can drive home, stopping to feed / calm along the way.

OH has since said he wants to take the baby to his mums in the morning, so she will miss her morning nap and mess up the whole plan for the day, because she will be overtired, cry the whole way there and so be too stressed to sleep in the pram.

I've said no (nicely) as its mothers day and so she doesnt need to be there, just him. He thinks im being unreasonable, am I?

OP posts:
margegunderson · 15/03/2023 14:20

"cosmiccosmos · Yesterday 23:32
Another thread where posters don't seem to understand that it's Mother's Day.

The baby is spending the day with its Mother, the OP, and the OP is spending the day with her Mother. The OPs DH is spending it with his Mother.

Not MIL day or Grandmother day, just Mother's day where us Mothers get to decide what happens and what we want for once."

And the MIL, being a mother, might want to see her granddaughter. Or doesn't she count as a mother in some undefined way?

Mustbeme124 · 15/03/2023 14:35

As a mother of boys this thread makes me sad and I hope if I ever have a daughter in law she doesn’t dictate and prioritise her own family which seems to happen. Your husband’s mother is also a mother and grandmother and has as much right to see her son and grandchild as your mum. It’s like the maternal grandmother always gets priority in these situations. And god forbid the dad wants to see his own mum and take his own child to see his own mum
on Mother’s Day.
There must be a fair compromise so nobody misses out and like previous poster have suggested you can work something out that will work for everyone.

JockTamsonsBairns · 15/03/2023 14:42

Just see MIL on Saturday?
We're doing 'Mothers Day' tomorrow. The kids are off school due to strikes, and I'll be at work on Sunday 7am until 10pm.

ChristmasKraken · 15/03/2023 15:05

Mustbeme124 · 15/03/2023 14:35

As a mother of boys this thread makes me sad and I hope if I ever have a daughter in law she doesn’t dictate and prioritise her own family which seems to happen. Your husband’s mother is also a mother and grandmother and has as much right to see her son and grandchild as your mum. It’s like the maternal grandmother always gets priority in these situations. And god forbid the dad wants to see his own mum and take his own child to see his own mum
on Mother’s Day.
There must be a fair compromise so nobody misses out and like previous poster have suggested you can work something out that will work for everyone.

I don't get it when people say this. MIL wanting to see her grandchild on Mother's Day is irrelevant - she is not the child's mother. Everyone who is a Mother in this scenario is spending the day with their child. Why does MIL's desire to not only spend time with her child, but ALSO see her grandchild trump everyone else?

DizzyLizzyKizzy · 15/03/2023 15:10

Why can't your mum come to you, then no long journey for the unsettled baby, no relying on naps and having to stop on the way home to sooth the baby?

Then you could see both.

smellyflowers · 15/03/2023 15:11

Shouldn't the baby just be with you? As it's mother?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 15/03/2023 15:16

Why is everyone still arguing about this after an earlier suggestion apparently hit the mark with the OP?

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 15/03/2023 15:18

Mustbeme124 · 15/03/2023 14:35

As a mother of boys this thread makes me sad and I hope if I ever have a daughter in law she doesn’t dictate and prioritise her own family which seems to happen. Your husband’s mother is also a mother and grandmother and has as much right to see her son and grandchild as your mum. It’s like the maternal grandmother always gets priority in these situations. And god forbid the dad wants to see his own mum and take his own child to see his own mum
on Mother’s Day.
There must be a fair compromise so nobody misses out and like previous poster have suggested you can work something out that will work for everyone.

Don’t be daft.

I’m a mother of adult sons too. I would like to see them on Mother’s Day if possible but that doesn’t mean I’d expect them to bring any grandchildren specifically.

The celebration is of the relationship between mother and sons/daughters, not grandchildren or great grandchildren or aunts etc.

OP has to take the baby when she sees her mother because she’s breastfeeding. That’s just a practicality.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 15/03/2023 15:21

We just celebrate the entire weekend. Much more fun and inclusive.

Marlena1 · 15/03/2023 15:23

I think it's a little bit bad form. If she was an hour away I'd get your point but surely there's some way you could make it work. Ps very handy to have someone 5 mins away onside when you have a small child...

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/03/2023 15:24

Op glad to see you are going with the idea of seeing MIL later in the day. And for all those saying MIL gets to see her son but doesn't need to see baby what happens in a few weeks time when its fathers day. Does ebf baby go too see paternal GF with its DF whilst OP sees her DF separately or does the DH or FIL miss out?

Noicant · 15/03/2023 15:25

I think MIL’s get a bit of a rough deal on mumsnet. But mothers day is about mums, OP is spending the day with her child, her mother is spending the day with her child and MIL can spend the day with her child. Go with the evening invite.

Liorae · 15/03/2023 15:27

FetchezLaVache · 14/03/2023 23:18

I voted YANBU on the basis that if she lives 5 mins away, she probably gets to see the baby far more often than your mother does.

I doubt that with the OPs attitude.

slashlover · 15/03/2023 15:30

cosmiccosmos · 14/03/2023 23:32

Another thread where posters don't seem to understand that it's Mother's Day.

The baby is spending the day with its Mother, the OP, and the OP is spending the day with her Mother. The OPs DH is spending it with his Mother.

Not MIL day or Grandmother day, just Mother's day where us Mothers get to decide what happens and what we want for once.

So on Father's Day OP's DP can take the baby to his parents and OP's dad wont see the baby?

JudgeRudy · 15/03/2023 15:36

FetchezLaVache · 14/03/2023 23:18

I voted YANBU on the basis that if she lives 5 mins away, she probably gets to see the baby far more often than your mother does.

Agree, invite her over Saturday. Alternatively you could 'pop in' on way home and join OH and MIL for 10 mins or until baby crys and needs to go home.

schnubbins · 15/03/2023 15:51

Mil's on Mumsnet are not real mothers it seems .

KillingLoneliness · 15/03/2023 16:01

People are so weird on here.
It’s Mother’s Day not Father’s Day, OPs child will obviously be with her, especially as she is EBF and OP wishes to spend time with her own mother.
Her DH can visit his mother and then later in the evening MIL can see the baby once OP is back home.

NewtoHolland · 15/03/2023 16:06

Can your mil not pop round tp see you both before baby naps?

Charlieiscool · 15/03/2023 16:08

You are being horribly selfish prioritising one grandmother over the other because it’s what you want. Never mind your OH or his mother, exclude them because you feel like it. If your baby doesn’t like to travel then your mother can come to you and the whole lot of you could enjoy the day together.

cptartapp · 15/03/2023 16:11

Get your DC to take a bottle then you can see your mum and have a break from the baby into the bargain. Win win.

GoodChat · 15/03/2023 16:17

We're seeing my mom on Saturday and his on Sunday then spending the afternoon as just us. Why is everything so uptight?

CuteCillian · 15/03/2023 16:23

Totally depends how often your MIL sees the LO.

ChristmasKraken · 15/03/2023 16:56

Charlieiscool · 15/03/2023 16:08

You are being horribly selfish prioritising one grandmother over the other because it’s what you want. Never mind your OH or his mother, exclude them because you feel like it. If your baby doesn’t like to travel then your mother can come to you and the whole lot of you could enjoy the day together.

Selfish for spending mother's day with her mother, and looking out for the needs of her own baby?! Incredible...

Also, given that OP has already come up with a solution that works for everyone, it seems particularly rude to call her selfish....

SerafinasGoose · 15/03/2023 17:34

Liorae · 15/03/2023 15:27

I doubt that with the OPs attitude.

Show quote history

The OP's attitude to her MiL is great. She's found a lovely compromise which suits everyone, and is happy to have done so.

The baby is breastfed. They are not exclusively breastfed forever. There will be plenty of room for more flexible arrangements once DC is a bit older.

There's a concerted effort to knock OPs at present no matter what they do, but if people are going to do this it's probably better to RTFT.

SerafinasGoose · 15/03/2023 17:40

cptartapp · 15/03/2023 16:11

Get your DC to take a bottle then you can see your mum and have a break from the baby into the bargain. Win win.

My EBT baby wouldn't take a bottle. A lot don't. And if you get engorged owing to a longer break between feeds, you'd better hope you own an electric breast pump and be competent in using it. Otherwise you'll be in a lot of pain and discomfort within a fairly short timescale and your clothes will be a greasy, stained mess.

Doesn't sound like much of a winner to me.