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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not let baby see MIL on mothers day?

142 replies

Sugargliderwombat · 14/03/2023 23:17

So my mum is 2 hours away, MIL 5 mins.

Baby is a few months old and does NOT sleep in the car, we've tried for up to 50 minutes, it does not happen. When she's tired he screams and screams, if well rested she happily looks out of the window and coos.

She also does not nap for more than 20 minutes in the pram.

I'm seeing my mum on mothers day and EBF so taking the baby. I'll have get her to nap on me in the morning (so it's a good one) then leave straight away to get to a town 45 minutes away where my mum will meet me. We've got lunch then a walk around where she will hopefully nap and I can drive home, stopping to feed / calm along the way.

OH has since said he wants to take the baby to his mums in the morning, so she will miss her morning nap and mess up the whole plan for the day, because she will be overtired, cry the whole way there and so be too stressed to sleep in the pram.

I've said no (nicely) as its mothers day and so she doesnt need to be there, just him. He thinks im being unreasonable, am I?

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 15/03/2023 17:40

EBF baby, apologies.

bluesky45 · 15/03/2023 21:36

Your baby won't nap in the car or in the pram?! You must be extremely tied to nap times if you have to be home for them all, sounds bloody miserable. Have you tried a carrier?

Laptopneeded · 15/03/2023 21:40

@cosmiccosmos

Of course..

It's mother's day!

I think a lot of men don't want to see their mothers alone for some reason and they like the other people present to carry the meeting with talk.

Tandora · 15/03/2023 21:41

cosmiccosmos · 14/03/2023 23:32

Another thread where posters don't seem to understand that it's Mother's Day.

The baby is spending the day with its Mother, the OP, and the OP is spending the day with her Mother. The OPs DH is spending it with his Mother.

Not MIL day or Grandmother day, just Mother's day where us Mothers get to decide what happens and what we want for once.

Oh god not this again. I think Mother’s Day needs to be banned, I can’t cope with the pettiness.

Laptopneeded · 15/03/2023 21:43

How is it petty to spend the way with mums??

Tandora · 15/03/2023 21:49

Laptopneeded · 15/03/2023 21:43

How is it petty to spend the way with mums??

Lol it’s obviously not petty to spend a day with one’s mum. I do it regularly .

Saltywalruss · 15/03/2023 21:50

Charlieiscool · 15/03/2023 16:08

You are being horribly selfish prioritising one grandmother over the other because it’s what you want. Never mind your OH or his mother, exclude them because you feel like it. If your baby doesn’t like to travel then your mother can come to you and the whole lot of you could enjoy the day together.

She isn't prioritising her mum. She's prioritising her baby. The baby is breastfed. Only the OP can feed the baby .

Sleepless1096 · 15/03/2023 21:51

If the baby is breastfed, surely she goes where you go?

Or are you meant to tag along on his mother's day in the capacity of baby-feeding machine, as if you're not a real person 🤔? How dehumanising.

Saltywalruss · 15/03/2023 21:52

So on Father's Day OP's DP can take the baby to his parents and OP's dad wont see the baby?

No, because the baby needs to be fed by her mum!

cadburyegg · 15/03/2023 21:55

Your husband’s mother is also a mother and grandmother and has as much right to see her son and grandchild as your mum

I hate to break it to you but no one has the "right" to see any of their grandchildren, whatever day of the year it is.

I'm also a mum of boys. When they are older, any time they want to visit me with potential future children of theirs, it would be a privilege, not an expectation of mine.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 15/03/2023 21:55

It's Mother's Day. For you, for your mum. Let your OH go and see his mum. She's his mum. Presumably she gets to see your daughter all the time. See her the next day x

NadjaCravensworth1 · 15/03/2023 21:57

Heronwatcher · 14/03/2023 23:23

TBH this all sounds a bit regimented. If it’s really that essential to have the nap at a defined time can’t the baby see your MIL either before or after it (I assume the morning nap is no longer than an hour). I don’t really believe that Mother’s Day is more special than any other day but it might look to your DH and MIL that you’re bending over backwards to your own family but not letting your DH to do it for his.

As an alternative couldn’t both mums visit you and the baby, either to your house or a cafe nearby.

It's Mother's Day. She's a new mum who wants to spend it with her daughter and her own mother. DH should support whatever she wants for this day at least. He can spend the day with his own mother.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 15/03/2023 22:03

Mustbeme124 · 15/03/2023 14:35

As a mother of boys this thread makes me sad and I hope if I ever have a daughter in law she doesn’t dictate and prioritise her own family which seems to happen. Your husband’s mother is also a mother and grandmother and has as much right to see her son and grandchild as your mum. It’s like the maternal grandmother always gets priority in these situations. And god forbid the dad wants to see his own mum and take his own child to see his own mum
on Mother’s Day.
There must be a fair compromise so nobody misses out and like previous poster have suggested you can work something out that will work for everyone.

As another mother of boys I was with you until you said you have a 'right'. You don't, nor can you insist on fairness and not 'missing out'. You will need to be someone they want in their lives - I doubt making demands is going to help there.

NameChangeFor2023 · 15/03/2023 22:11

Mustbeme124 · 15/03/2023 14:35

As a mother of boys this thread makes me sad and I hope if I ever have a daughter in law she doesn’t dictate and prioritise her own family which seems to happen. Your husband’s mother is also a mother and grandmother and has as much right to see her son and grandchild as your mum. It’s like the maternal grandmother always gets priority in these situations. And god forbid the dad wants to see his own mum and take his own child to see his own mum
on Mother’s Day.
There must be a fair compromise so nobody misses out and like previous poster have suggested you can work something out that will work for everyone.

I'm a mum to a boy, too. And if I treated my DIL badly, I would understand if I was seen as a MIL from hell. Therefore my goal is to treat any potential DIL like family and not make them feel the way some MILs do.

Should hopefully be ok, although there are the odd few who find issues for any old reason.

cosmiccosmos · 15/03/2023 22:14

@slashlover yes that's correct. It's Father's Day. Makes it nice and clear and easy. Otherwise let's call it 'Everybody day' where on each 'special' day everybody in a family drives around seeing everybody to keep everybody happy 🤣

UdderlyBaffled · 15/03/2023 22:38

i just can’t get my head around mumsnet. The number of posts this week about mothers of young children who are upset at their DH/DPs spending Mother’s Day with their own mums instead have been told so many times by posters it’s ‘Mother’s Day not wife’s day’ they should be grateful to just spend it with DC. And now here’s a mum who wants to spend the day with her mum and DC and she’s being told that’s wrong too. Must be an awful lot of disgruntled MiL on here.
OP I think you should 100% say no if it doesn’t work for you and baby. It’s your Mother’s Day and you should spend it however you like

Cassiehopes · 15/03/2023 22:49

I think that’s really horrible. Surprised anyone is saying you’re not being unreasonable. It’s not just your baby.

roseopose · 15/03/2023 23:00

YANBU from me, I would have frozen in horror at the thought of having to do two outings with baby in a day at that age and the inevitable shit naps/sleep that goes with it for some. I would have felt much more comfortable doing what you're doing which is exactly what you feel you can manage and suits baby and their routine. Less stress and anxiety.
If MIL lives 5 minutes away then she has way more opportunity to see baby than your mum. If your DP knows about the nap issues then it's quite selfish of him to try and have 'his' time first thing in the morning which will go fine but the knock on effect will shit up your outing.

camperjam · 15/03/2023 23:11

Some people are so shocked when a baby won't sleep in a car or pram. My 2nd DS wouldn't and yes, it was a pain but we just had to work around it. Trying to force him was impossible and distressing for everyone so I get having to plan journeys like this.

Shockingshock · 15/03/2023 23:18

Omg. Please do What you want with your mum! It’s bonkers.! People are loopy. Why do you need to factor mil in? Am sure your man baby can sort out a day with his mum.

JudgeJ · 15/03/2023 23:20

HedwigIsMyDemon · 14/03/2023 23:31

MILs are not under any circumstances allowed to see their grandchildren on Mother’s Day.

This is Mumsnet law.

Nice isn’t it?

Her MIL is the personification of evil on MN and should have the very minimum of contact with 'her' children, MIL must totally disown her own son, he is now not her family as he has his own 'little family' and God forbid he multitasks.
Naturally his MIL is the personifaction of all that's perfect and he must share this opinion!

JudgeJ · 15/03/2023 23:22

Saltywalruss · 15/03/2023 21:52

So on Father's Day OP's DP can take the baby to his parents and OP's dad wont see the baby?

No, because the baby needs to be fed by her mum!

And when the child is feeding herself I'm sure there'll be another convenient excuse!

ChimpyChops · 15/03/2023 23:30

It isn't just about baby being EBF.
Isn't OP entitled to spend the day with her baby, as it is Mother's Day?

What are people not understanding?

OP sees her mum.
OP spends day with her child.
DP sees his mum.
MIL sees her child.

That's it, everyone sees their mum/child and child on Mother's Day 🤷‍♀️

Liorae · 15/03/2023 23:31

Shockingshock · 15/03/2023 23:18

Omg. Please do What you want with your mum! It’s bonkers.! People are loopy. Why do you need to factor mil in? Am sure your man baby can sort out a day with his mum.

Because she is family, I think most of us would feel. It may differ in your house.

SkyandSurf · 15/03/2023 23:34

cptartapp · 15/03/2023 16:11

Get your DC to take a bottle then you can see your mum and have a break from the baby into the bargain. Win win.

Oh sure it's that easy.

All babies, when it's explained to them logically, immediately understand the importance of taking a bottle and happily defer to the adult's wishes.