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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not let baby see MIL on mothers day?

142 replies

Sugargliderwombat · 14/03/2023 23:17

So my mum is 2 hours away, MIL 5 mins.

Baby is a few months old and does NOT sleep in the car, we've tried for up to 50 minutes, it does not happen. When she's tired he screams and screams, if well rested she happily looks out of the window and coos.

She also does not nap for more than 20 minutes in the pram.

I'm seeing my mum on mothers day and EBF so taking the baby. I'll have get her to nap on me in the morning (so it's a good one) then leave straight away to get to a town 45 minutes away where my mum will meet me. We've got lunch then a walk around where she will hopefully nap and I can drive home, stopping to feed / calm along the way.

OH has since said he wants to take the baby to his mums in the morning, so she will miss her morning nap and mess up the whole plan for the day, because she will be overtired, cry the whole way there and so be too stressed to sleep in the pram.

I've said no (nicely) as its mothers day and so she doesnt need to be there, just him. He thinks im being unreasonable, am I?

OP posts:
Mariposa26 · 15/03/2023 23:50

JudgeJ · 15/03/2023 23:22

And when the child is feeding herself I'm sure there'll be another convenient excuse!

Show quote history

That’s not the case though at the moment is it? As it stands, the baby is EBF and therefore the priority is that she stays with her mother.

Spectre8 · 16/03/2023 00:00

cosmiccosmos · 14/03/2023 23:32

Another thread where posters don't seem to understand that it's Mother's Day.

The baby is spending the day with its Mother, the OP, and the OP is spending the day with her Mother. The OPs DH is spending it with his Mother.

Not MIL day or Grandmother day, just Mother's day where us Mothers get to decide what happens and what we want for once.

100% this

Mayorquimby2 · 16/03/2023 00:07

schnubbins · 15/03/2023 15:51

Mil's on Mumsnet are not real mothers it seems .

Oh 💯

If the living arrangements were reversed, the justification would be that the maternal grandmother lives close by and so deserves the special day as she's putting in the work.

Crutcher · 16/03/2023 00:50

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2023 23:25

It's Mother's Day, not MIL day. You get to see your Mum and you need to take baby as EBF. Your DH can take her to see his Mum later in the day if he's up for it. But don't let him disrupt your plans.

One would think Mother's Day had some legal obligations, rather than an invented 'holiday' to remind people to respect and honour a person they should be honouring and respecting every day of the year.

Were you as pedantic in keeping to the rituals on steak and bj day?

AffableApple · 16/03/2023 01:43

Anyone who thinks YABU has spent no time around breastfed babies, or in fact babies in general. OP has stated how her child's feeding and naps work (or don't) and she wants a successful day out with her mother. On Mother's Day. It's already not guaranteed - because, well, babies. But she's arranged things so they are likely to run smoothly. Why her husband is being such a dick about this is anyone's guess.

GG1986 · 16/03/2023 04:02

I hate that on mothers day we all try to please the grandmothers and forget that we are mothers too! YANBU! Go and see your mum and mil can wait and see baby another day seeing as she is 5 mins away. The same thing happens to me every year and I end up having a stressful day/weekend keeping my mum and mil happy, rather than just relaxing and having a day with my babies.

DizzyLizzyKizzy · 16/03/2023 04:14

Shockingshock · 15/03/2023 23:18

Omg. Please do What you want with your mum! It’s bonkers.! People are loopy. Why do you need to factor mil in? Am sure your man baby can sort out a day with his mum.

Why are you referring to OPs DH as a man baby?

What's he done to deserve that?

MysteryBelle · 16/03/2023 04:37

Your mother is 2 hours away, mil is 5 min away, so your mother should be prioritized on Mother’s Day. Mil can maybe see baby late in the evening or day before or day after. Visit to your mother should not be made to work around mil. Good grief. It is selfish of her and your husband to demand that.

Tandora · 16/03/2023 04:54

cadburyegg · 15/03/2023 21:55

Your husband’s mother is also a mother and grandmother and has as much right to see her son and grandchild as your mum

I hate to break it to you but no one has the "right" to see any of their grandchildren, whatever day of the year it is.

I'm also a mum of boys. When they are older, any time they want to visit me with potential future children of theirs, it would be a privilege, not an expectation of mine.

You wouldn’t expect your sons to come visit you when they are older? Jesus your bar is low. I hate this attitude, it’s why the care of my increasingly ageing parents falls entirely on me even though I have siblings- because I’m the daughter and my brothers do jack shit. (Brothers focus entirely on their wives and children. Wives focus entirely on their own parents. So our parents are entirely my problem - of course I also have my own children and partner to worry about!)

Tourmalines · 16/03/2023 05:25

Tandora · 16/03/2023 04:54

You wouldn’t expect your sons to come visit you when they are older? Jesus your bar is low. I hate this attitude, it’s why the care of my increasingly ageing parents falls entirely on me even though I have siblings- because I’m the daughter and my brothers do jack shit. (Brothers focus entirely on their wives and children. Wives focus entirely on their own parents. So our parents are entirely my problem - of course I also have my own children and partner to worry about!)

Show quote history

This

Sleepless1096 · 16/03/2023 05:27

AffableApple · 16/03/2023 01:43

Anyone who thinks YABU has spent no time around breastfed babies, or in fact babies in general. OP has stated how her child's feeding and naps work (or don't) and she wants a successful day out with her mother. On Mother's Day. It's already not guaranteed - because, well, babies. But she's arranged things so they are likely to run smoothly. Why her husband is being such a dick about this is anyone's guess.

This. They're both visiting their own mothers on Mothers Day, which is fine, but the baby has to go with the OP since she's her source of food and comfort.

Her OH can't take the baby to his mums in the morning because the OP won't be there to feed/soothe her. And yes, maybe they should work towards getting the baby to take a bottle but that's not necessarily going to happen by Sunday.

Is the OP meant to wait around all day and not see her mum in case the baby needs a feed? Like she's not really a person at all but just a milk machine attached to the baby. Breastfeeding is restrictive enough without openly being treated as just an attachment to the baby and not really human.

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 16/03/2023 05:27

You wouldn’t expect your sons to come visit you when they are older? Jesus your bar is low

No. I frequently didn’t see my parents on Mother’s and Father’s Day because as an adult I moved 150 miles away. I sent a card - and later when not a skint student a gift or flowers - and I rang them for a chat.

Now as a mother to young adults the same is true. A nice acknowledgment of Mother’s Day and a chat on the phone because they are in a different stages of their lives. I’m secure in their love for me and mine for them; I don’t need them to fly to my side for a Sunday in March to prove it.

Simonjt · 16/03/2023 05:27

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2023 23:25

It's Mother's Day, not MIL day. You get to see your Mum and you need to take baby as EBF. Your DH can take her to see his Mum later in the day if he's up for it. But don't let him disrupt your plans.

In which case the babies dad can veto the baby seeing his MIL.

Sleepless1096 · 16/03/2023 05:32

Simonjt · 16/03/2023 05:27

In which case the babies dad can veto the baby seeing his MIL.

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Not unless he can feed the baby himself. Otherwise he's essentially controlling the OP's movements.

DeflatedAgain · 16/03/2023 05:48

FetchezLaVache · 14/03/2023 23:18

I voted YANBU on the basis that if she lives 5 mins away, she probably gets to see the baby far more often than your mother does.

Hit the nail on the head!

YANBU

Holly60 · 16/03/2023 05:49

Mustbeme124 · 15/03/2023 14:35

As a mother of boys this thread makes me sad and I hope if I ever have a daughter in law she doesn’t dictate and prioritise her own family which seems to happen. Your husband’s mother is also a mother and grandmother and has as much right to see her son and grandchild as your mum. It’s like the maternal grandmother always gets priority in these situations. And god forbid the dad wants to see his own mum and take his own child to see his own mum
on Mother’s Day.
There must be a fair compromise so nobody misses out and like previous poster have suggested you can work something out that will work for everyone.

Don't panic :) OP is just being practical (quite rightly) as the baby is EBF and so of course has to stay with her. She has decided to invite MIL back in the evening for nibbles. So the first her partner's mum will hear of it is her son saying 'hiya mum, looking forward to our lunch on Sunday, and then after do you want to come back to ours for wine? DW will be back by then so you can have cuddles with baby'

I can't imagine any mum/grandma wouldn't be happy with that?

Holly60 · 16/03/2023 05:58

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 16/03/2023 05:27

You wouldn’t expect your sons to come visit you when they are older? Jesus your bar is low

No. I frequently didn’t see my parents on Mother’s and Father’s Day because as an adult I moved 150 miles away. I sent a card - and later when not a skint student a gift or flowers - and I rang them for a chat.

Now as a mother to young adults the same is true. A nice acknowledgment of Mother’s Day and a chat on the phone because they are in a different stages of their lives. I’m secure in their love for me and mine for them; I don’t need them to fly to my side for a Sunday in March to prove it.

Just musing really but I wonder if you will be bothered if they settle down with someone who DOES go to see their mum every Mother's Day, and then by default (because you were happy not to see them before) they end up going to their MIL's every year?

Maybe you won't be bothered at all, but I do wonder if sometimes that's where these conflicts arise - suddenly they are making a fuss of someone on Mother's Day and the mum who has been oh so understanding of her children not making a fuss of her is put out. Add into that the idea that if grandchildren come along they will go with the parents to the other grandma too.

My DH and I always led by example and made an effort to see our mothers on or around Mother's Day and treat them. I'm very lucky now that my adult children do the same for me.

I'm totally prepared for you to tell me not to be ridiculous 😂

Yousee · 16/03/2023 06:13

Another enjoyable thread!
OP, can you explain why the pain and discomfort of engorged breasts followed by a return to an overtired and hungry baby who is probably beside herself by that point doesn't appeal?
MILs have rights and it's his baby too you know... 😂

Tourmalines · 16/03/2023 06:48

Holly60 · 16/03/2023 05:58

Just musing really but I wonder if you will be bothered if they settle down with someone who DOES go to see their mum every Mother's Day, and then by default (because you were happy not to see them before) they end up going to their MIL's every year?

Maybe you won't be bothered at all, but I do wonder if sometimes that's where these conflicts arise - suddenly they are making a fuss of someone on Mother's Day and the mum who has been oh so understanding of her children not making a fuss of her is put out. Add into that the idea that if grandchildren come along they will go with the parents to the other grandma too.

My DH and I always led by example and made an effort to see our mothers on or around Mother's Day and treat them. I'm very lucky now that my adult children do the same for me.

I'm totally prepared for you to tell me not to be ridiculous 😂

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This , plus she’s not a mil yet , or grandkids , too SOON for her to speak .

MangoPi · 16/03/2023 07:03

lol where have i seen this thread before

bussteward · 16/03/2023 07:05

Mayorquimby2 · 16/03/2023 00:07

Oh 💯

If the living arrangements were reversed, the justification would be that the maternal grandmother lives close by and so deserves the special day as she's putting in the work.

Show quote history

It has nothing to do with grandmothers seeing grandchildren. Why are people saying this? It’s not grandmothers day. OP wants to see her mum/OP’s mum wants to see her child. That’s the basis of Mother’s Day. But OP is now also a mother, so wants to see her child too – and said child is EBF so goes where she goes anyway. OP isn’t prioritising the maternal grandmother – she prioritising herself! Which is allowed! Not to mention she’s happy to have figured out they can take the baby to see MIL late in the day.

JFC this website sometimes.

Sleepless1096 · 16/03/2023 07:30

bussteward · 16/03/2023 07:05

It has nothing to do with grandmothers seeing grandchildren. Why are people saying this? It’s not grandmothers day. OP wants to see her mum/OP’s mum wants to see her child. That’s the basis of Mother’s Day. But OP is now also a mother, so wants to see her child too – and said child is EBF so goes where she goes anyway. OP isn’t prioritising the maternal grandmother – she prioritising herself! Which is allowed! Not to mention she’s happy to have figured out they can take the baby to see MIL late in the day.

JFC this website sometimes.

Show quote history

I know - it's really simple. The OP is seeing her mother. Her partner can see his mother. So the adults can both suit themselves.

The baby goes with the OP because she's the only one who can feed it.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 16/03/2023 07:50

It sounds like it is probably your first Mother's Day and of the three mother's involved here you are the one who is currently at the most intense point of motherhood so I think everyone should be doing what they can to give you a nice relaxing easy day which seems exactly the opposite to what is happening. Your dh could have arranged a meal, either cooking himself or booking a table somewhere close and the two grandmother's could have travelled to you. As its probably too late to organise that now taking the baby to MIL's on Saturday or Sunday evening is probably the best compromise.

SomeMoreGinPlease · 16/03/2023 08:10

Divebar2021 · 14/03/2023 23:27

Well it’s his child too…. Presumably. Why are you in a position to veto anything?

This x 100. It is his child too. He is allowed to take her to his mum for a little bit and then come back so you can see yours witth the baby. Everyone would be happy that way but I forgot how much MN seems to despise MIL's. I am not a MIL either before anyone asks.

ModeWeasel · 16/03/2023 08:13

If the positions were reversed what would you do?

if not the same thing (which I expect) then YABU.