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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s new GF hurt our child?

107 replies

Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 17:06

AIBU? I really need some gentle feedback. Will try not to drip feed.

Going through an extremely messy divorce with my abusive ex (physical. Financial and emotional abuse)

Ex never took a single bit of interest with our children when he was here and now he sees them every two weeks for a few hours (that’s fine and I really hope they build a relationship together)

Two weeks ago my littlest child (3 years old) came back and said (not straight away) his dads new girlfriend pinched him and told them to shut up. I didn’t even know he was introducing them to the new woman (though I understand he doesn’t really need to tell me this info, just would have been a courtesy). I was shocked and was unsure what to believe when my 3YO said it initially but they continued to say the same thing to me without me ever bringing it up and their story never changed. So I told their dad and so did they and he said to them ‘you’re making this up’ and then said to me ‘they’re 3 years old, they make stuff up’.

I spend 24/7 with my kids and my 3YO has never ever said an adult has hurt them before. Everytime they mentioned it we were sat playing together so it’s not like they needed to get my attention.

Anyway. Not even two weeks later and my Ex has now said he wants take the 3yo on holiday with the new girlfriend and I’ve said I’m not comfortable with it and he’s basically saying I’m making false accusations against his new GF and he’ll take what I’ve said on board but continue to socialise my children with her.

I feel helpless. I don’t want this situation but my ex is making me doubt myself and basically insinuating I’m crazy. My 3yo also told my mum the exact same story (I’ve taught them about having trusted adults) so it feels like their doing all the correct things by telling adults but my ex believes I’m trying to sabotage his new relationship and believes the GF and not our child.

YABU - kids say stuff all the time, don’t sweat it and move on

YANBU - kids this young don’t make these sorts of allegations, your ex is not taking it seriously enough

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 14/03/2023 17:15

Hes too young to be leaving home and his main carer. Has he ever even spent one night with them?

Ridiculous nonsense , OP . Your ex is using your child as some sort of ploy / boast to his new Gf ( who doesn’t seem to be that enthusiastic).

just say that it absolutely against the interests of any three year old to be sent on holiday with what are effectively strangers.

Cheeseandhoney · 14/03/2023 17:17

Hes too young to be leaving home and his main carer

wtf, no he’s not, as much as the child can’t be left with this woman, in ni way is he too young to be with his father, what’s wrong with you.

LakeTiticaca · 14/03/2023 17:18

I would be telling them the police will be getting involved

Greensleeves · 14/03/2023 17:18

So if he goes on this holiday, he'll definitely be with one abusive bastard, and there's a good chance he'll be with two.

Hell no. He's too little to go away without you, and these people can't be trusted. I know contact and co-parenting are a minefield with an abusive ex, and my heart goes out to you that you have to let him see them at all - but I would definitely dig my heels in about the holiday. No effing way.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/03/2023 17:19

It'd be a no from me. Not a chance I'd let him go with them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2023 17:20

Moving straight from a few hours every other week to a holiday is ridiculous. Pinching allegations aside he’s being incredibly selfish wanting to play happy families for a holiday when he can’t be arsed doing any normal parenting week to week. Hard no.

Do you have an official contact schedule? If not and he’s got PR then you need one. Have you got their passports?

uncertainalice · 14/03/2023 17:28

My ex is also abusive, and he immediately wanted the DC for two weeks...he can barely be bothered to play nicely for two days on a contact weekend...it was just more abuse and trying to rattle me.

I'd play your ex's game by saying "yes in the long term I think that would be fine, but we need to work up to that don't we, so let's continue the two hours until X date and then if they're both settled and you're up for it, we can add an extra hour for another month (or two?) until Y date and keep going like that and then before long they'll be spending a full day with you. Then once they're used to that, we can try an overnight, and then build those up in the same way". #

It'll take you forever to get to a full day/overnight and he or the GF will have got bored long before then...but crucially you are visibly trying to make it happen, so if he ever threatens court it will be very clear that you are being entirely reasonable.

You have my sympathies @Nonagainst , co-parenting with an abusive ex is hard, but stand your ground with as much false friendliness as you can muster, and there won't be jack shit he can do about anything.

Theoscargoesto · 14/03/2023 17:31

Childline counsellor. Believe your child.

Hankunamatata · 14/03/2023 17:33

I'd kill ex with kindness. Say that you would love for him to take them on holiday eventually but it's really important for them to build a relationship with him and his gf first. Suggest lay out a plan to increase contact and say review it in 6 months.

Aweebitpainful · 14/03/2023 17:35

I agree. I think you should believe your child. If it were my child they wouldn’t be going on holiday with them

MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 14/03/2023 17:37

You're going to have to report this and start getting a paper trail built up.

As it stands currently, you can't stop him taking your child on holiday.

Report to the nursery, the police and SS yourself. They need to investigate and then just take it from there.

EmmaDilemma5 · 14/03/2023 17:39

I would just go straight to the police and report it. You never know, she might have history.

Don't try to negotiate and communicate effectively with someone who has abused you - it won't work. Young need a court custody arrangement.

HaveTheDayOff · 14/03/2023 17:50

Red flags all over this. How long has he even been with this woman? Get a paper trail and do some
Background research on this woman. This won’t be her first rodeo.

funinthesun19 · 14/03/2023 17:55

I’d believe my child.

MintJulia · 14/03/2023 17:57

Only allow access at your house and let him take you to court.

Keep an eye out for bruises and photograph those that show.

Document everything your children say.

Mama2six · 14/03/2023 18:05

MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 14/03/2023 17:37

You're going to have to report this and start getting a paper trail built up.

As it stands currently, you can't stop him taking your child on holiday.

Report to the nursery, the police and SS yourself. They need to investigate and then just take it from there.

A lot of good advice here, and definitely believe your child, you have said they have not made things up like this before and know their trusted adults. If it were me I’d be putting a plan in place that only he sees his child without her and definitely report to police and tell social services you need to keep your child safe that way if he tries to play dirty by reporting you to make you look bad there is history there. Also I’m not sure if there is a way you could check her history if there is one with the police like you would for a man, is it Sarah’s law? Sorry I’m not 100% but ask them about it as well

TooBigForMyBoots · 14/03/2023 18:16

Call the NSPCC, they should be able to advise you @Nonagainst. Sorry you are going through this.Thanks

Mateyduck · 14/03/2023 18:23

You need a court order .

Rinoachicken · 14/03/2023 18:30

You can do a background check on her - it’s Sarah’s law for people having contact with children, and Claire’s Law for domestic abuse - do both. I would also report your concerns to social services. Don’t expect them to do anything at this stage but it creates a paper trail. You could also report to police.

Not a chance I’d be allowing him to take him on holiday.

Is the contact court ordered? If not, then he can go whistle for it.

Rinoachicken · 14/03/2023 18:31

By creating and Mai ting this paper trail, if he DOES take you to court for access, it can be used as evidence in your favour for either not allowing access or limiting it at least.

Rinoachicken · 14/03/2023 18:31

*maintaining

Georgyporky · 14/03/2023 19:16

Does DC actually know what a pinch is?

If s/he has never been pinched before, s/he might be using the wrong word.

Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 19:43

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 14/03/2023 17:15

Hes too young to be leaving home and his main carer. Has he ever even spent one night with them?

Ridiculous nonsense , OP . Your ex is using your child as some sort of ploy / boast to his new Gf ( who doesn’t seem to be that enthusiastic).

just say that it absolutely against the interests of any three year old to be sent on holiday with what are effectively strangers.

They’ve spent the night at my exs place ONLY when his mum is there as he honestly cannot look after the kids on his own. Now he has the GF I believe she’s stepped in to replace his mothers help. Which I’m not happy about of course but unsure what I can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 19:45

LakeTiticaca · 14/03/2023 17:18

I would be telling them the police will be getting involved

I’ve actually had to get social services involved before because the youngest came back with a head injury that my ex couldn’t explain and then said ‘3 year olds hit their heads, it’s normal’.

Social have let me handle it myself so far but I’ll ask them for more advice tomorrow.

OP posts:
nc345678 · 14/03/2023 19:47

He cannot take your child out of the country without your permission (assuming the holiday is abroad here). Absolutely stand your ground- regardless of the pinch accusation you don't sound like you feel comfortable with the situation and rightly so. Go with your gut- your concerns are absolutely valid.