Ex’s new GF hurt our child?

[Nonagainst]

AIBU? I really need some gentle feedback. Will try not to drip feed.

Going through an extremely messy divorce with my abusive ex (physical. Financial and emotional abuse)

Ex never took a single bit of interest with our children when he was here and now he sees them every two weeks for a few hours (that’s fine and I really hope they build a relationship together)

Two weeks ago my littlest child (3 years old) came back and said (not straight away) his dads new girlfriend pinched him and told them to shut up. I didn’t even know he was introducing them to the new woman (though I understand he doesn’t really need to tell me this info, just would have been a courtesy). I was shocked and was unsure what to believe when my 3YO said it initially but they continued to say the same thing to me without me ever bringing it up and their story never changed. So I told their dad and so did they and he said to them ‘you’re making this up’ and then said to me ‘they’re 3 years old, they make stuff up’.

I spend 24/7 with my kids and my 3YO has never ever said an adult has hurt them before. Everytime they mentioned it we were sat playing together so it’s not like they needed to get my attention.

Anyway. Not even two weeks later and my Ex has now said he wants take the 3yo on holiday with the new girlfriend and I’ve said I’m not comfortable with it and he’s basically saying I’m making false accusations against his new GF and he’ll take what I’ve said on board but continue to socialise my children with her.

I feel helpless. I don’t want this situation but my ex is making me doubt myself and basically insinuating I’m crazy. My 3yo also told my mum the exact same story (I’ve taught them about having trusted adults) so it feels like their doing all the correct things by telling adults but my ex believes I’m trying to sabotage his new relationship and believes the GF and not our child.

YABU - kids say stuff all the time, don’t sweat it and move on

YANBU - kids this young don’t make these sorts of allegations, your ex is not taking it seriously enough

Definitely believe your child

Tell them no secrets from mummy or daddy. He sounds dangerous. I'd believe your child and not allow this holiday.

Is the contact court ordered? If you stopped contact, would he take you to court?

Why do women always way they want their children to have a relationship with their abusive ex? Do you honestly think they won't be abusive to your child. Tell the police. Take him to court and get the judge to tell him that he cannot have women over when looking after his child. He came home with a head injury for god's sake. Keep him away from there.

I have been in this situation. Abusive ex husband had daughter overnight with a new partner (court ordered). Daughter slept on the floor with a blanket& had mentioned her new mum kicked her (he likes to ensure that any new partner is referenced as new mum, we’re on partner number 7 and new sibling number 4). I had a great relationship with her then nursery and we worked together to suss out what had happened.
It transpired that she did indeed sleep on the floor, apparently her bed wasn’t ready and his partner accidentally kicked her when going to the toilet- there was no malice in the kick and partner did ensure she was ok, apologised and comforted her.

Numerous issues such as coming home with an upper thigh to knee bruise with zero explanation. Ears pierced twice, being locked in the kitchen for being upset, clothes cut, hair cut extreme, odd shoes, dyed rainbow hair, gel nails, numerous new mums, being bathed by whatever woman he’d hooked up with and even being left alone with her whilst he went to the football, travelling with no car seat etc…. She was 3,

What I will say, is all of these issues have been raised at court and our first judged and allocated sw said I was game playing and I cannot under any circumstances dictate what he does on his time with the children. Nursery stepped in and raised their own concerns over my daughter and mentioned that she had regressed and became a shell on his contact days. Eventually we got a new judge and sw who actually listened to each concerns- none of which I’d say were exactly trivial and he has not been allowed contact since.

Speak with your child’s nursery, explain your son mentioned an incident and don’t elaborate, he’ll soon tell them. They can then become another advocate for your child ❤️

Keep copies of his texts and report all the injuries and the texts to social services. And maybe see a family law solicitor. You are usually entitled to a free half hour consultation with a solicitor and they can be very helpful and over a lot of info in half an hour

Even disregarding the possible pinch, imo it's too soon to be spending a week away from you OP, especially if it's abroad where you can't just go and get him back if he's upset and missing you. That length of absence needs to built up to gradually. If he was unwell or something, he'd want to be with his mum.

The pinch is a whole other thing. If it was the first time there'd been something, I'd be asking if it was something that happened by accident, but with the other small things a picture is starting to build.

It’s a strong nope from me. Absolutely not…

Yes- kids do make some strange things up- but aged 3 with no agenda? On the balance of probability…? Most likely your innocent 3 year old is stating what they experienced as a fact. Unexplained bruises in a 3yo are tricker- my boys aged 3-8 regularly looked like they’d done 10 rounds with Tyson just from preschool play/ gooning around/ outdoor play. I used to joke with school about giving them a pre signed batch of ‘incident forms’ for every bump and minor injury in the playground.

If your Ex was abusive is plausible he’s no picnic to his GF either- what’s to say she is not taking this on on ‘his’ (your) little one?

Defo inform and discuss with social services. If any child in preschool announced to a trustee adult there ‘X adult pinched me and told me to shut up’ it would (hopefully) be taken very seriously and closely monitored (if not trigger an immediate MASH referral). This situation is no different- in fact, it’s more concerning given Ex’s track record.

FWIW You sound like a really good mum- continue to advocate for your son just as you are xxx

I did an in-depth safeguarding course last night as part of my role as a primary school governor - the situation of a new partner hurting a child was literally a case study. You've had good advice on this thread and I'm pleased to see you'll be getting advice from the nspcc etc - please do. If a child told me what they'd told you, I'd be reporting it. Pp above also mentioned talking to your son's nursery which is a good idea - they should be aware of not asking leading questions but open ended ones, like "who hurt you" rather than "did Jane hurt you", and documenting everything properly. Good luck.

Believe your DC. You say the 3yo is your littlest - how old are the others and what do they say about the girlfriend?

You can ring the airports and basically get them on a no fly list. Explain you aren't giving your child permission to leave the UK.

Sending hugs and strength. She's lucky to have you 🙂

I assume your other DC are older. My bet is she's pinched your 3yrold in the hope he'd be too little to make you aware.

Believe your child. I've been that child and I wasn't believed. Left with resentment and ptsd 44yrs later.

It would be a hard no from me.
There’s been some gigantic drip feeds though. The 3 yo has come home with bruises and a head injury, SS have been involved with the ex, he’s brought them back early, he’s told them to lie to you and keep secrets from you, he needs his mum to look after them because he can’t? The situation is clearly much worse than the first post suggested.

Sorry but I have no sympathy for you but for the child yes. If you stood up for yourself and left an abusive marriage why are you sending a little child into it not only with your ex abusive partner but also a stranger gf....I left a very abusive marriage with our month old son at the time. Nothing was goin to change and I saw that all the promises of change were a farce. After beating me up with my baby son in my arms 3 weeks and 6 days after he was born I left immediately with help from police and social and family in 2009 and never returned. He tried to get access but his records of years of past abuse went against him and infact i also found out of some other violent goings on from previous women i never knew of either. The judge even praised me for standing up for myself and son in refusing to let him go to his father and a restraining order was put in place and then another judge when son was 1 said father is not allowed access till son turns 18 and decides for himself. Son is now 13 doing well in school adores his stepdad and 3 siblings and has never asked about his othr dad. Good luck sorting it, always listen to your child and whatever told you to get out that relationship you need to do the same for your child

Congrats on getting out. I’ve never asked for sympathy? As someone who was also in abusive relationship you must then know first hand how difficult these situations are? For everyone involved. I’ve spoken to social services before and i’m being advised by child protective services. Unfortunately at this moment in time, I have to do things all legal and by the book so my ex (who is manipulative) doesn’t use anything against me. I’ve been advised that I came just stop access because of bruises or the pinching incident. As mentioned in my post my child hasn’t seen his father since the first time he mentioned his GF hurt them.

As I said, congratulations on getting out but it’s not all super straight forward and easy to completely stop access towards a person who is aggressive and manipulative. It could go against me further down the line in court when we sign off on his access.

I’m glad you had the strength to get out, not everyone does.

Even parents with past history of abuse etc are granted contact via courts. It’s not always black and white that way. You luckily had a great judge who didn’t push for supervised contact etc.

The OP never asked for sympathy she asked for advice and if any court orders are in place via courts the children can be removed from her care if she starts to refuse to send the children. She would need to apply for emergency orders etc and they aren’t always dealt with quickly, SW also don’t get involved as easily when there’s court ordered contact, they advise you to raise it at court.

Just ignore this clearly goady poster OP. For the rare magical person they are strong enough and have the resources to get up and go. For most people in abusive relationships it is NO cut and dry like that. Your experience is YOURS and will be entirely different to everyone else's in your situation, even if there are similarities.

Are you in touch with Womens Aid? Even though Ex has gone they have fantastic resources to help women in your situation. Abusers like to use kids as a weapon to continue controlling their former partners with and Womens Aid are very experienced with that kind of thing.

I would also see if you can get an emergency court order (I don't know how it works as I never had to) to stop your kids having the kids for a while, and get the kids counselling. It's shit because I know you don't want them NOT to see their dad but he is manipulating and harming them. You are the only one who will protect them and nothing you do or say yourself, without legal backing, will change your Ex's mind in actually being a good Dad to his kids and putting them first.

Stop your Ex having your kids that was meant to say.

I get that you can't just decide to keep them from him but the courts can help I believe.

Is it worth speaking to a solicitor about a prohibited steps order to stop him from trying to take the DC anyway against your wishes?

Trust your instincts.
You believe your child so report it.
Have I read it right he only wants to take one child away?not the others?
I would not allow it in a million years.
A lot of great advice on here,I hope you report and get some help from the necessary authorities to block him just taking her without conesnt.

Does your child posses the vernacular and cognitive development to make up such a lie? I know my three year old didn’t, he just didn’t have the language and developmental skills to do so. I know all children develop at different speeds and mind was a little behind other his milestones etc. But do you think your child would know how to tell such a big lie?

If the answers no and he’s stuck to his story which by all accounts came out organically I wouldn’t be sending him back to his dad let alone to dad and his dangerous new partner. I’d be speaking to SS, the HV, the GP and any childcare setting they attend. I’d be getting that paper trail laid and he wouldn’t be going back until I knew he was safe.

Say no to the holiday, if he doesn’t like it he can take you to court.

I agree don't let them take him anywhere.

I'm not an expert so not sure about this but you could consider applying for a passport for your child if he doesn't have one (so your ex will not be able to apply for one).

Don't tell him, hide it, and if he ever asks, you lost it.

Contact social services, explain what has happened, let them guide you in what to do, and don't provide any more access to ex and his girlfriend until that process is completed.

I wanted to give everyone an update on what’s happened.

I called social services who were not very helpful at all. They said basically I shouldn’t send my kids to my ex because they are clearly in danger. I then spoke to a child law helpline who said I was well within my rights to stop access.

So I text my ex explaining what we have discussed and who I’ve spoken to and what they’ve said and that for the time being I’m revoking his access to the kids until I believe they are safe again.

well it went down like a lead balloon.

He's stopping all maintenance payments (I’ll have to go through CSA now). He still paid a few bills here which he’s now stopping and he’s not going to pay his half of the mortgage anymore.

So all in all, my kids are safe but I’m now even more broke than I was before. Will be calling citizens advice today and finding out what I can do (I work part time and cannot work full time due to child care and costs - my ex does nothing with the kids pick ups and drop offs and my 3yo isn’t in nursery but is cared for by my parents whilst I do my part time job)

I threw up yesterday and gave myself a migraine through the stress of it all. Glad my babies are safe though but the abuse just never stops.

thanks for all your feedback everyone.