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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s new GF hurt our child?

107 replies

Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 17:06

AIBU? I really need some gentle feedback. Will try not to drip feed.

Going through an extremely messy divorce with my abusive ex (physical. Financial and emotional abuse)

Ex never took a single bit of interest with our children when he was here and now he sees them every two weeks for a few hours (that’s fine and I really hope they build a relationship together)

Two weeks ago my littlest child (3 years old) came back and said (not straight away) his dads new girlfriend pinched him and told them to shut up. I didn’t even know he was introducing them to the new woman (though I understand he doesn’t really need to tell me this info, just would have been a courtesy). I was shocked and was unsure what to believe when my 3YO said it initially but they continued to say the same thing to me without me ever bringing it up and their story never changed. So I told their dad and so did they and he said to them ‘you’re making this up’ and then said to me ‘they’re 3 years old, they make stuff up’.

I spend 24/7 with my kids and my 3YO has never ever said an adult has hurt them before. Everytime they mentioned it we were sat playing together so it’s not like they needed to get my attention.

Anyway. Not even two weeks later and my Ex has now said he wants take the 3yo on holiday with the new girlfriend and I’ve said I’m not comfortable with it and he’s basically saying I’m making false accusations against his new GF and he’ll take what I’ve said on board but continue to socialise my children with her.

I feel helpless. I don’t want this situation but my ex is making me doubt myself and basically insinuating I’m crazy. My 3yo also told my mum the exact same story (I’ve taught them about having trusted adults) so it feels like their doing all the correct things by telling adults but my ex believes I’m trying to sabotage his new relationship and believes the GF and not our child.

YABU - kids say stuff all the time, don’t sweat it and move on

YANBU - kids this young don’t make these sorts of allegations, your ex is not taking it seriously enough

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 19:47

Greensleeves · 14/03/2023 17:18

So if he goes on this holiday, he'll definitely be with one abusive bastard, and there's a good chance he'll be with two.

Hell no. He's too little to go away without you, and these people can't be trusted. I know contact and co-parenting are a minefield with an abusive ex, and my heart goes out to you that you have to let him see them at all - but I would definitely dig my heels in about the holiday. No effing way.

That’s exactly it. My ex has never even had our 3yo for two nights on his own house let alone having them for a week abroad. I feel alot could happen in that time and my 3yo would be too far from
me to help. It doesn’t sit right with me to jump from hardly any visitation to that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 19:48

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/03/2023 17:19

It'd be a no from me. Not a chance I'd let him go with them.

Thank you. My ex really knows how to make me doubt myself. All I’ve said so far is i’m uncomfortable with it and explained why and he’s honestly said ‘my GF never hurt him and I’m not discussing that anymore’

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 19:51

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2023 17:20

Moving straight from a few hours every other week to a holiday is ridiculous. Pinching allegations aside he’s being incredibly selfish wanting to play happy families for a holiday when he can’t be arsed doing any normal parenting week to week. Hard no.

Do you have an official contact schedule? If not and he’s got PR then you need one. Have you got their passports?

Thank you! This is exactly how I feel. My 3yo spends 2 nights away from me each month (sometimes only 1 night if my ex brings them back earlier) so to go from
that to a week abroad specifically with the GF who’s hurt them is just unbelievably odd, selfish and ignorant in my opinion.

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 14/03/2023 19:52

Just No. He's trying to play happy families, at your kids' expense.

Not sure what legal arrangements you have in place but do all you can to stick to every other weekend
.

Try to get some legal advice to get a formalised plan that gives you as many rights as possible.

Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 19:55

uncertainalice · 14/03/2023 17:28

My ex is also abusive, and he immediately wanted the DC for two weeks...he can barely be bothered to play nicely for two days on a contact weekend...it was just more abuse and trying to rattle me.

I'd play your ex's game by saying "yes in the long term I think that would be fine, but we need to work up to that don't we, so let's continue the two hours until X date and then if they're both settled and you're up for it, we can add an extra hour for another month (or two?) until Y date and keep going like that and then before long they'll be spending a full day with you. Then once they're used to that, we can try an overnight, and then build those up in the same way". #

It'll take you forever to get to a full day/overnight and he or the GF will have got bored long before then...but crucially you are visibly trying to make it happen, so if he ever threatens court it will be very clear that you are being entirely reasonable.

You have my sympathies @Nonagainst , co-parenting with an abusive ex is hard, but stand your ground with as much false friendliness as you can muster, and there won't be jack shit he can do about anything.

This is incredible advice thank you so much. I fully think this is to try and hurt me too (Mother’s Day is this weekend so it feels extra nasty). At one point he even said ‘I know this is hard for you but I am going to continue spending time with my GF’. I was like I don’t care who you spend time with, I care that my 3yo has told me she’s pinched them. At first I couldn’t believe how flippant he was being with our child’s allegations but honestly, this is my ex down to a T.

OP posts:
Pinkbananas01 · 14/03/2023 19:56

You need to believe your child, sounds like story has been consistent & as you've already had SS involved you should discuss with them . No way would I be letting them go on holiday when you have doubts

Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 19:56

Theoscargoesto · 14/03/2023 17:31

Childline counsellor. Believe your child.

Thank you. I’m going to call them tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 19:58

Aweebitpainful · 14/03/2023 17:35

I agree. I think you should believe your child. If it were my child they wouldn’t be going on holiday with them

Thank you. This was all new to me (none of the other kids have ever said this before) and so I was dubious but my 3yo has never said an adult has hurt him
so it rang massive alarm bells for me. They told me in detail what happened.

OP posts:
Bunnyishotandcross · 14/03/2023 19:59

Has ds got a passport if the holiday is abroad?
Is ex going to go to that bother never mind the actual trip with a 3yo...he is talking rubbish.
My exh had dc pack a case the year I left. I paid for that holiday.
The next year they packed but never went anywhere.

Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 19:59

MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 14/03/2023 17:37

You're going to have to report this and start getting a paper trail built up.

As it stands currently, you can't stop him taking your child on holiday.

Report to the nursery, the police and SS yourself. They need to investigate and then just take it from there.

Thank you. Social services have a record of my ex already as there’s been a few incidents of bruises on my 3yo that my ex couldn’t/wouldn’t explain. I’ll be ringing them tomorrow and getting their advice.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 14/03/2023 20:01

Poor little thing, I wouldn't let him go and I'm someone who had to argue with a judge when I got divorced because my ex and I agreed the children would spend as much or as little time as they wanted with each parent and the judge insisted we had to have set contact time so I'm not anti dads having time with their kids.

Cherrysherbet · 14/03/2023 20:02

A child of mine wouldn’t be going anywhere near this woman.

nc345678 · 14/03/2023 20:02

I am a child protection solicitor- he absolutely CANNOT take your child abroad without your agreement, whether the child has a passport or not. That's called international child abduction in the absence of your consent.

ancientgran · 14/03/2023 20:03

Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 19:59

Thank you. Social services have a record of my ex already as there’s been a few incidents of bruises on my 3yo that my ex couldn’t/wouldn’t explain. I’ll be ringing them tomorrow and getting their advice.

Show quote history

Oh that makes it worse. You are right to protect your child, don't let him make you doubt yourself. I hope you get help with this.

Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 20:03

EmmaDilemma5 · 14/03/2023 17:39

I would just go straight to the police and report it. You never know, she might have history.

Don't try to negotiate and communicate effectively with someone who has abused you - it won't work. Young need a court custody arrangement.

Thank you. I’m stupid because I still bow to him a lot. I need to ask him certain questions about the divorce etc and don’t because I know it’ll up in an argument. But I’ll definitely look into her further. Thank tou

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 20:04

funinthesun19 · 14/03/2023 17:55

I’d believe my child.

Oh I 100% do! I just need to advocate for them because their dad won’t whilst they’re in his care.

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 14/03/2023 20:05

Have you talked with ex's mother about the situation? She knows the child. If the ex cannot handle the child without help from mom or GF, then GF would be the primary caregiver. I would object and tell the ex you believe your child.

Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 20:06

HaveTheDayOff · 14/03/2023 17:50

Red flags all over this. How long has he even been with this woman? Get a paper trail and do some
Background research on this woman. This won’t be her first rodeo.

I think they’ve been together anywhere between 6-8 months? I’m completely unsure as my ex was a cheater as well so who really knows but he believes her over our youngest child which is another low for even him.

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 14/03/2023 20:08

Is there a court order in place for contact?

if you call social care I suspect they’d advise you to not send your child there if you don’t think he will be safe. I think given the three year old has had injuries and has now made this comment I would want to be stopping contact or asking for his mum to supervise it.

Is the 3 year old at nursery. If so is it worth mentioning it to them, they can make a referral for social care and keep an eye or his welfare.

girlfriend44 · 14/03/2023 20:08

LakeTiticaca · 14/03/2023 17:18

I would be telling them the police will be getting involved

They won't get involved. No proof.

Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 20:09

MintJulia · 14/03/2023 17:57

Only allow access at your house and let him take you to court.

Keep an eye out for bruises and photograph those that show.

Document everything your children say.

Thank you. I recorded my 3yo old saying that his GF hurt them (said her by her name and what she did and where) I didn’t lead the conversations just prompted them and didn’t accuse the GF of anything. I just wanted it to be a normal organic conversation. Even when I sent those to my ex he said that it’s me making it up and he doesn’t believe our child.

OP posts:
Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 14/03/2023 20:10

My concern is not that he is not taking it seriously enough, it’s that he doesn’t care. If she did hurt him, which she probably did, he doesn’t actually give a shit about his kid and has sided with her.

Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 20:12

Mama2six · 14/03/2023 18:05

A lot of good advice here, and definitely believe your child, you have said they have not made things up like this before and know their trusted adults. If it were me I’d be putting a plan in place that only he sees his child without her and definitely report to police and tell social services you need to keep your child safe that way if he tries to play dirty by reporting you to make you look bad there is history there. Also I’m not sure if there is a way you could check her history if there is one with the police like you would for a man, is it Sarah’s law? Sorry I’m not 100% but ask them about it as well

Show quote history

I wish I could share his messages. He’s literally said he will not stop socialising our children with her and I cannot stop him.

I feel like I have no power and my children are taken to a place where they’re hurt and their dad will do nothing to stop this. I have no idea what my rights are but I’ll speak to child protective services tomorrow.

My ex tells my kids that they have to keep secrets from me so i’m worried he’ll tell them to lie to me again (he’s done it in the past).

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 20:14

TooBigForMyBoots · 14/03/2023 18:16

Call the NSPCC, they should be able to advise you @Nonagainst. Sorry you are going through this.Thanks

Thank you so much Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 20:15

Rinoachicken · 14/03/2023 18:30

You can do a background check on her - it’s Sarah’s law for people having contact with children, and Claire’s Law for domestic abuse - do both. I would also report your concerns to social services. Don’t expect them to do anything at this stage but it creates a paper trail. You could also report to police.

Not a chance I’d be allowing him to take him on holiday.

Is the contact court ordered? If not, then he can go whistle for it.

Thank you so much for this information! I’m going to look into this all straight away.

OP posts:
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