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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s new GF hurt our child?

107 replies

Nonagainst · 14/03/2023 17:06

AIBU? I really need some gentle feedback. Will try not to drip feed.

Going through an extremely messy divorce with my abusive ex (physical. Financial and emotional abuse)

Ex never took a single bit of interest with our children when he was here and now he sees them every two weeks for a few hours (that’s fine and I really hope they build a relationship together)

Two weeks ago my littlest child (3 years old) came back and said (not straight away) his dads new girlfriend pinched him and told them to shut up. I didn’t even know he was introducing them to the new woman (though I understand he doesn’t really need to tell me this info, just would have been a courtesy). I was shocked and was unsure what to believe when my 3YO said it initially but they continued to say the same thing to me without me ever bringing it up and their story never changed. So I told their dad and so did they and he said to them ‘you’re making this up’ and then said to me ‘they’re 3 years old, they make stuff up’.

I spend 24/7 with my kids and my 3YO has never ever said an adult has hurt them before. Everytime they mentioned it we were sat playing together so it’s not like they needed to get my attention.

Anyway. Not even two weeks later and my Ex has now said he wants take the 3yo on holiday with the new girlfriend and I’ve said I’m not comfortable with it and he’s basically saying I’m making false accusations against his new GF and he’ll take what I’ve said on board but continue to socialise my children with her.

I feel helpless. I don’t want this situation but my ex is making me doubt myself and basically insinuating I’m crazy. My 3yo also told my mum the exact same story (I’ve taught them about having trusted adults) so it feels like their doing all the correct things by telling adults but my ex believes I’m trying to sabotage his new relationship and believes the GF and not our child.

YABU - kids say stuff all the time, don’t sweat it and move on

YANBU - kids this young don’t make these sorts of allegations, your ex is not taking it seriously enough

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 16/03/2023 07:16

@Nonagainst well done. That must have been such a difficult call to make, but absolutely the right thing to do.

Sorry to hear he is now withdrawing financial support. However going through CSA might be a good thing, rather than doing it directly when he’s clearly now using that as another way to control you.

I hope you manage to take care of yourself today.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/03/2023 07:20

I remember my 3 year old said the same
about a nursery teacher

I’d fight this
hes wanker and she’s an unknown quantity but clearly not nice

if you have not yet done so start keeping a diary on this , write everything down

GoldilocksIsALittleSod · 16/03/2023 07:23

Well he's a gobshite isn't he.
Get straight on to cms, speak to citizens advice and make sure you are claiming any benefits you are entitled to.
Ring your mortgage company and see if you can take payment breaks rather than default on them until you get sorted.
If you can spare the money apply for passport's for your children and hide them so he can't get any for them, that is the easiest way to make sure they don't leave the country.
He has no problem taking the low ground and whilst I don't suggest you stoop to his level you definitely need to toughen up and be one step ahead of him where possible.

honeybunsleo · 16/03/2023 07:29

Nonagainst · 16/03/2023 06:19

I wanted to give everyone an update on what’s happened.

I called social services who were not very helpful at all. They said basically I shouldn’t send my kids to my ex because they are clearly in danger. I then spoke to a child law helpline who said I was well within my rights to stop access.

So I text my ex explaining what we have discussed and who I’ve spoken to and what they’ve said and that for the time being I’m revoking his access to the kids until I believe they are safe again.

well it went down like a lead balloon.

He's stopping all maintenance payments (I’ll have to go through CSA now). He still paid a few bills here which he’s now stopping and he’s not going to pay his half of the mortgage anymore.

So all in all, my kids are safe but I’m now even more broke than I was before. Will be calling citizens advice today and finding out what I can do (I work part time and cannot work full time due to child care and costs - my ex does nothing with the kids pick ups and drop offs and my 3yo isn’t in nursery but is cared for by my parents whilst I do my part time job)

I threw up yesterday and gave myself a migraine through the stress of it all. Glad my babies are safe though but the abuse just never stops.

thanks for all your feedback everyone.

Have you signed on the universal credit? This will help with childcare costs.

This man is clearlyabusive and now has lost control via the children he will try to financially control you. Open a cms claim today, make sure you tell them when opening the claim that he is abusive then you will not have to pay to open the claim.

You sound like a strong women so you can do this, don't let him break you.
You did the right thing for your children, and unfortunately he didn't.
Ring the mortgage company and explain he has now stopped paying his share of the mortgage. I don't know if it will change anything but report it anyway

Original poster
Nonagainst · 16/03/2023 08:10

Weallgottachangesometime · 16/03/2023 07:16

@Nonagainst well done. That must have been such a difficult call to make, but absolutely the right thing to do.

Sorry to hear he is now withdrawing financial support. However going through CSA might be a good thing, rather than doing it directly when he’s clearly now using that as another way to control you.

I hope you manage to take care of yourself today.

Thank you. I always feel like it’s me and I’m the issue but the fact he’s stopping all payments because I wouldn’t do as he pleases suggests it’s him (I have so much evidence against him and his abuse towards me anyway). Just wish it wasn’t like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonagainst · 16/03/2023 08:11

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/03/2023 07:20

I remember my 3 year old said the same
about a nursery teacher

I’d fight this
hes wanker and she’s an unknown quantity but clearly not nice

if you have not yet done so start keeping a diary on this , write everything down

Oh my goodness I’m really sorry that happened with your 3 year old too. Can I ask what the outcome was? Must have been terrifying to hear that from your child.

I have no idea why he’s siding so much with a woman he’s only known 6-9 months. It’s crazy but I can’t even begin to try and make it make sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonagainst · 16/03/2023 08:13

GoldilocksIsALittleSod · 16/03/2023 07:23

Well he's a gobshite isn't he.
Get straight on to cms, speak to citizens advice and make sure you are claiming any benefits you are entitled to.
Ring your mortgage company and see if you can take payment breaks rather than default on them until you get sorted.
If you can spare the money apply for passport's for your children and hide them so he can't get any for them, that is the easiest way to make sure they don't leave the country.
He has no problem taking the low ground and whilst I don't suggest you stoop to his level you definitely need to toughen up and be one step ahead of him where possible.

This is all great advice thank you so much. I think I’m going to apply for my sons passport today because I’m terrified he’ll try and take him. I’m actually scared he’ll come to the house too but I guess that’s just because it’s all really raw right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonagainst · 16/03/2023 08:24

honeybunsleo · 16/03/2023 07:29

Have you signed on the universal credit? This will help with childcare costs.

This man is clearlyabusive and now has lost control via the children he will try to financially control you. Open a cms claim today, make sure you tell them when opening the claim that he is abusive then you will not have to pay to open the claim.

You sound like a strong women so you can do this, don't let him break you.
You did the right thing for your children, and unfortunately he didn't.
Ring the mortgage company and explain he has now stopped paying his share of the mortgage. I don't know if it will change anything but report it anyway

Show quote history

I’m on UC at the moment and will have to speak to I guess citizens advice to try and work out if i’m entitled to anything else. He’s always controlled me financially and you’re right now it’s gone even further to make us destitute. I’m going to do everything I can to ensure that doesn’t happen. Just terrifying, I used to be a really strong person and now I feel like a real weak shadow of my former self.

OP posts:
Spanglemum · 16/03/2023 08:30

Hello, I agree with contacting the mortgage people and explaining what's going on. In the long term is it worth thinking about selling the house so you don't have to rely on him paying ? Definitely go to the CMS.

Crazyshihtzulady · 16/03/2023 08:44

Georgyporky · 14/03/2023 19:16

Does DC actually know what a pinch is?

If s/he has never been pinched before, s/he might be using the wrong word.

Don't minimise!

This is the reason so many abused children aren't listened to!

Absolute shame......

Crazyshihtzulady · 16/03/2023 08:44

I'd want to meet this woman.....

diddl · 16/03/2023 08:48

They’ve spent the night at my exs place ONLY when his mum is there as he honestly cannot look after the kids on his own. Now he has the GF I believe she’s stepped in to replace his mothers help. Which I’m not happy about of course but unsure what I can do.

This really should have weighting on whether he's permitted to take them away.

Plus the fact that he was abusive to you.

Why kids have to see such "fathers" is beyond me.

Goldie2021 · 16/03/2023 09:04

Please believe your child. Growing up my dads partner abused my sister and myself so much (when dad was away for work) and no one believed us for years as no one suspects a woman could harm childre. Lots of therapy as an adult and I still carry the emotional scars.

Teatime55 · 16/03/2023 09:06

Well he’s shown himself for what he is.
I don’t think it’s uncommon for men to ‘outsource’ the parenting to a new woman, because they’re not actually interested in doing it.
I think if he wants to start contact again in needs to be in a contact centre, and he pays.

RandomMess · 16/03/2023 09:10

The sooner you are out of the marital home and renting the better to get away from his abuse.

Is there enough equity for you to look at shared ownership?

You need to speak to your divorcé solicitor and speed up getting the financial settlement.

Flowers
seratoninmoonbeams · 16/03/2023 09:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

TheFormidableMrsC · 16/03/2023 09:15

I've walked this mile. Ex wouldn't listen, refused to believe OW would be abusive. DS told me a different story. I believed him. Then others witnessed her treatment of DS and contacted me. Took a few years though! We had many court hearings. Ex married OW despite the court making her subject of a Prohibited Steps Order and she is no longer allowed contact with DS. Ergo, ex has chosen to have no further contact. These men are fucking arseholes and equally abusive.

It's a no from me. Absolutely not. I'd not be allowing your child any contact with her. If ex doesn't like it, he can apply to court and go through all the usual channels. Stand firm.

MumOf2workOptions · 16/03/2023 09:46

@Nonagainst

Phone up your local authority ask to speak to children's services and make your own referral in - my friend had to do this and they were great and worked with her and her ex's girlfriend who was also the issue isn't allowed to see the kids and he's now decided he doesn't want to see them when they said he had to have supervised access.
They have trained professionals who will speak to the children please make that call ❤️
Sending love and support

Justalittlebitduckling · 16/03/2023 09:51

uncertainalice · 14/03/2023 17:28

My ex is also abusive, and he immediately wanted the DC for two weeks...he can barely be bothered to play nicely for two days on a contact weekend...it was just more abuse and trying to rattle me.

I'd play your ex's game by saying "yes in the long term I think that would be fine, but we need to work up to that don't we, so let's continue the two hours until X date and then if they're both settled and you're up for it, we can add an extra hour for another month (or two?) until Y date and keep going like that and then before long they'll be spending a full day with you. Then once they're used to that, we can try an overnight, and then build those up in the same way". #

It'll take you forever to get to a full day/overnight and he or the GF will have got bored long before then...but crucially you are visibly trying to make it happen, so if he ever threatens court it will be very clear that you are being entirely reasonable.

You have my sympathies @Nonagainst , co-parenting with an abusive ex is hard, but stand your ground with as much false friendliness as you can muster, and there won't be jack shit he can do about anything.

Absolutely this. Make him work for it.

Justalittlebitduckling · 16/03/2023 09:55

Nonagainst · 16/03/2023 06:19

I wanted to give everyone an update on what’s happened.

I called social services who were not very helpful at all. They said basically I shouldn’t send my kids to my ex because they are clearly in danger. I then spoke to a child law helpline who said I was well within my rights to stop access.

So I text my ex explaining what we have discussed and who I’ve spoken to and what they’ve said and that for the time being I’m revoking his access to the kids until I believe they are safe again.

well it went down like a lead balloon.

He's stopping all maintenance payments (I’ll have to go through CSA now). He still paid a few bills here which he’s now stopping and he’s not going to pay his half of the mortgage anymore.

So all in all, my kids are safe but I’m now even more broke than I was before. Will be calling citizens advice today and finding out what I can do (I work part time and cannot work full time due to child care and costs - my ex does nothing with the kids pick ups and drop offs and my 3yo isn’t in nursery but is cared for by my parents whilst I do my part time job)

I threw up yesterday and gave myself a migraine through the stress of it all. Glad my babies are safe though but the abuse just never stops.

thanks for all your feedback everyone.

This is a really hard road for you but you’ve done the right thing. He tried to control you through your kid, he failed because you’ve stood up to him. Now he’s trying to control you financially.

PonderYonder · 16/03/2023 10:10

Are you saying that the gf has pinched more than 1 child? I wondered because you’ve referred to the 3 y/o as ‘he’ but then have said repeatedly that ‘they’ have said about being pinched? And if the gf is pinching more than 1 child (BTW I think pinching is one of the most spiteful things) you need to stop them (the kids as a whole) seeing this person. The dad is enabling the gf.

Original poster
Nonagainst · 16/03/2023 11:52

Spanglemum · 16/03/2023 08:30

Hello, I agree with contacting the mortgage people and explaining what's going on. In the long term is it worth thinking about selling the house so you don't have to rely on him paying ? Definitely go to the CMS.

I honestly don’t know what the best thing is. I live in one of the most expensive places in the UK. Currently in a four bed detached house and all I’d be able to afford if I sold would be a one bed flat. There’s not a lot of equity in the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonagainst · 16/03/2023 11:53

Crazyshihtzulady · 16/03/2023 08:44

I'd want to meet this woman.....

Trying to put those thoughts out of my head but deep down, I really, realllly want to meet her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonagainst · 16/03/2023 11:55

diddl · 16/03/2023 08:48

They’ve spent the night at my exs place ONLY when his mum is there as he honestly cannot look after the kids on his own. Now he has the GF I believe she’s stepped in to replace his mothers help. Which I’m not happy about of course but unsure what I can do.

This really should have weighting on whether he's permitted to take them away.

Plus the fact that he was abusive to you.

Why kids have to see such "fathers" is beyond me.

Honestly I agree. People said to me ‘sometimes divorce is the making of fathers who never gave their kids attention in the first place’ Hmm couldn’t disagree more and would question why it takes divorce for ‘men’ to step up and take an interest in their children. My ex has never cared about our kids. It was such a sad thing to see (he completely changed when I got pregnant and then the abuse started then).

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonagainst · 16/03/2023 11:57

Goldie2021 · 16/03/2023 09:04

Please believe your child. Growing up my dads partner abused my sister and myself so much (when dad was away for work) and no one believed us for years as no one suspects a woman could harm childre. Lots of therapy as an adult and I still carry the emotional scars.

I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I truly am. I would never want my children to think k didn’t believe them. My ex said in front of them that my youngest was lying and making it up. I’ve explained to them that daddy is a bit confused and that our youngest IS telling the truth and we should help our family through this. I have twins, they’re being amazing but they’re not much older than my 3 yo so this is all very difficult.

OP posts: