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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will relocating solve our problems? Or just create new ones...

109 replies

RainbowRuby · 14/03/2023 13:07

My partner moved here from the US in 2010 – we met shortly after and married. He never really adjusted to London or the UK, he feels lonely, like an outsider and all in all hopeless. On the face of it, our lives have progressed very well after a lot of struggle. Slowly moved up the ladder in our careers (after a lot of setbacks), managed to buy a flat in London, two gorgeous healthy kids and our latest ‘success’ has been moving out to a commuter town outside of London to our dream house, with great schools. However, behind closed doors, my partner’s feeling of loneliness and being a misfit in the UK has never eased and also recently been exacerbated by a highly toxic work environment. Now that all the visible ‘challenges’ are behind us – getting a house, moving up in our careers etc, this remains the elephant in the room that is getting harder to avoid. His depression (he is on medication/CBT) is getting worse. We/he have tried for years to move back to the US – but for some reason or the other it just hasn’t worked out. His desperation is heart-breaking. He doesn’t want to quit his job and just go to the US to look for a job (reasons being he is not comfortable with the financial instability that would bring), he has tried for years to secure a job from here but it seems to fizzle out in the last round (which has really damaged his self-confidence as well) and he feels we are too far deep in (have a house, both of us working, my parents live nearby). I feel so stuck – I want to ask him to quit his job and just go and we well follow. Am I being naïve to think if we move to a place where he feels he ‘belongs’ his mental health will improve? That we can just go out on a whim and find jobs and restart our lives at the age of 40? Our kids are 5 and 8.

OP posts:
gwenneh · 14/03/2023 13:13

Have been in this position before, and unfortunately, all relocation does is create a distraction, followed by new problems - in your case that is the practicalities of a new house, new jobs, and being massively further away from your parents. I don't know how close you & the DC are to your parents, but even if they're not an enormous source of emotional support or practical support such as taking the kids out for the odd day, it's still a complication.

CombatBarbie · 14/03/2023 13:13

The actual making a new life at age 40 aspect with young kids.... Of course you can.

Its the Practicalities that will be the barriers. Are you both in transferable careers that would work in the US. If he was to relocate to look for jobs first, can your wage cover house/bills etc or have a decent savings pot to allow this? Do the kids have dual passports? My main concern would be your visa and implications for working.

In this instance, can he take a month's leave or all of yous go in summer, stay with his family and use that time for him to put feelers out in his job industry.

bubbles2023 · 14/03/2023 13:16

What do you want op? In the surface you gave it all jobs, a home, children, family support. What is 'it' that he's missing? What would he get in the US that he can't here (his family/ friends etc?). In your position I would not move until there was a job lined up and a proper plan.

Original poster
RainbowRuby · 14/03/2023 13:16

gwenneh · 14/03/2023 13:13

Have been in this position before, and unfortunately, all relocation does is create a distraction, followed by new problems - in your case that is the practicalities of a new house, new jobs, and being massively further away from your parents. I don't know how close you & the DC are to your parents, but even if they're not an enormous source of emotional support or practical support such as taking the kids out for the odd day, it's still a complication.

Your point on the creating a distraction has really hit home. Feels like I'm trying to put a bandage on a situation (his depression) that will never really be fully resolved. I am quite close to my parents, but don't want that to be the reason to hold him back.

OP posts:
RockGirl · 14/03/2023 13:19

Would you be moving to a gun happy state? That round be my biggest consideration when moving children.

lazycats · 14/03/2023 13:22

America is a varied place. Where would you go and how would cost of living compare?

No idea if you'd all be happier but I can't blame anyone looking at the UK now and thinking 'it'd be nice to get away'.

RoseslnTheHospital · 14/03/2023 13:22

I'd want to know exactly what he would get from being back in his home town/state/country would bring him. Is it cultural, ethnic, social, friends, family? What exactly does he think will lift him out of his hopelessness and depression?

Original poster
RainbowRuby · 14/03/2023 13:23

CombatBarbie · 14/03/2023 13:13

The actual making a new life at age 40 aspect with young kids.... Of course you can.

Its the Practicalities that will be the barriers. Are you both in transferable careers that would work in the US. If he was to relocate to look for jobs first, can your wage cover house/bills etc or have a decent savings pot to allow this? Do the kids have dual passports? My main concern would be your visa and implications for working.

In this instance, can he take a month's leave or all of yous go in summer, stay with his family and use that time for him to put feelers out in his job industry.

This post ! So So helpful for me to sort my mind to actually answer the checklist of questions you have posed and sort my mind...

Are you both in transferable careers that would work in the US. In theory -yes. But the lack of him being able to secure a job from here worries us...

If he was to relocate to look for jobs first, can your wage cover house/bills etc or have a decent savings pot to allow this? Yes - my wages can. I think the fear comes from years of him having to support his own family and always having someone 'vulnerable' who he must provide for.

Do the kids have dual passports? My main concern would be your visa and implications for working. Yes - kids and both of us have dual passports.

In this instance, can he take a month's leave or all of yous go in summer, stay with his family and use that time for him to put feelers out in his job industry. Irony is - he has no family there but has lived there for 12 years and is the only place he felt 'home'. Maybe I should convince him to face his fears and go out there, stay with some friends for a month and just do it....

The more I think about it, the more I don't see a reason for us not taking the plunge.

OP posts:
museumum · 14/03/2023 13:24

You absolutely can “just go” but what you can’t do is go backwards. Nearly 15 years will have passed. Your dh is a different person, his “home” country is different too. I worry he’ll be disappointed if he expects it to be too much like “going back”. Does he have friends his age and stage in the place he’d like to move to? How realistic is he about life there?
I have friends in the US who feel their home areas have changed a lot in the last ten years (different places in each case).

PeekAtYou · 14/03/2023 13:24

If you relocate and the relationship breaks up then you won't be able to return to the UK with the kids as the US will become their place of residence.

Having lived overseas myself, I think that moving will create a different set of problems- things may not be how he remembers them, his family and friends may have moved on and have new lives, life with a family may be very different to the life that he enjoyed as a singleton... Has he tried to find some American friends? I would imagine that there is a vibrant expat community in London

mindutopia · 14/03/2023 13:24

Have you both been able to spend significant time in the US in recent years? I think I would start by thinking about how he/you all can spend time there and decide if it really does feel right?

I say this as I'm an American and moved to the UK around the same time your DP did. I feel more at home here than I ever did in the US. I would find it very uncomfortable to go back now. I don't even like visiting. It doesn't feel anything like the place where I grew up. I am just wondering how much your DP is feeling out of place and disconnected because he's in the UK and how much he struggles to adjust to change and settling in, in general. Returning to the place you grew up in your 40s will not be like 'going home'. It will be like moving somewhere 'new', making new friends, adjusting to a new culture and way of life, starting all over again. I would find that really difficult at this age.

So I would say perhaps be open to the exploration and giving him time to feel it out for himself. To answer your question, no, I don't think it's the solution and I think it won't improve how he feels. It sounds like this is more about him than about where you all live. But I expect he needs to answer that question for himself. If there is a way to let him explore and you join for a holiday, then do that, so long as it doesn't jeopardise your financial situation here. Could you survive on 1 income? What would happen if he moved there and you stayed here to tie up loose ends and you ended up needing to live apart for 6 months to a year?

On a really practical level, how easily could you get a visa? Could you afford private health care for the whole family? What are the quality of the schools where you would move? Would dc be behind if you then moved back to the UK? Would you need to afford private school to make sure they aren't?

QuertyGirl · 14/03/2023 13:25

You could move, get it all sorted etc

And he's still depressed.

You can't run away from yourself.

Original poster
RainbowRuby · 14/03/2023 13:26

No gun happy places. Need to be in a 'left/blue state'. Cannot risk it as we are ethnically Pakistani and my husband has PTSD from being treated like the 'other' most of his teenage life. Probably California (where he has lived before) or Virginia/New Jersey. But once again, would depend on where he/we manage to land jobs...

OP posts:
RockGirl · 14/03/2023 13:26

Remember, you'll also get very little leave to visit home.

Original poster
RainbowRuby · 14/03/2023 13:28

PeekAtYou · 14/03/2023 13:24

If you relocate and the relationship breaks up then you won't be able to return to the UK with the kids as the US will become their place of residence.

Having lived overseas myself, I think that moving will create a different set of problems- things may not be how he remembers them, his family and friends may have moved on and have new lives, life with a family may be very different to the life that he enjoyed as a singleton... Has he tried to find some American friends? I would imagine that there is a vibrant expat community in London

One of my key concerns is just that - is he looking back at his life there with rose tinted glass - and in the end will not be what he 'remembers' it to be....

OP posts:
Riverlee · 14/03/2023 13:29

Can your dh define exactly what he feels is missing? Is it a friendship group? Hobbies? Etc. can you address these?

for example, if he was always into motorbikes, can you buy one and join a local motorbike group? Or American football? Etc.

is it his family? Can you regularly FaceTime them? We do this with our son. He’s only in Scotland, but it feels like he’s next door. Probably speak to him more than when he was at home!

Also,as others have said, America is vast and is a changed place since Covid, Trump etc. Has he got rose tinted glasses?

Original poster
RainbowRuby · 14/03/2023 13:29

QuertyGirl · 14/03/2023 13:25

You could move, get it all sorted etc

And he's still depressed.

You can't run away from yourself.

Yes ....maybe deep down that is what my question is too....

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 14/03/2023 13:30

Would you be happy in the USA?

If he has PTSD from beofre when he lived in the USA then what would stop that happening again?

gwenneh · 14/03/2023 13:31

One of my key concerns is just that - is he looking back at his life there with rose tinted glass - and in the end will not be what he 'remembers' it to be....

This is how it WILL be - because time has moved on. There will have been changes, some good and some bad. He is not the same person and the US is not the same place as when he left.

The practicalities are the easy part. The difficult part is that this is probably not going to address the root cause of his unhappiness, and he needs to be ready and willing to do the work on that himself.

REignbow · 14/03/2023 13:32

I currently live in the US and although live in a blue progressive state.

I do worry about the politics here (especially if you have any daughters), the health care is expensive (I paid $400 to visit A&E even though l have top notch health insurance) and food is not cheap either (also they use food dyes that are banned in the uk/Europe).

In regards to your DH, yes he may be home sick but maybe Home sick for a place that does not exist now IYSWIM.

I have lived in two different countries and settling children into a new culture/school system is hard (doable of course). Getting used to driving on the opposite side of the road, making connections with people take time (about a year).

Azandme · 14/03/2023 13:35

I appreciate you want what is best for him, but what about what is best for you and your children?

Having being married to a veteran with ptsd and depression and doing a lot of research/talking to others in the same situation, there seems to be a pattern of them fixating on some big change that will "make it all alright". For us it was returning from overseas.

Turned out that didn't fix anything. In fact the significant changes, stress of a whole relocation, and having to reintegrate made everything worse. Much worse.

Be careful that your husband isn't pinning the cause of his depression onto location - depression isn't something a move can solve.

lazycats · 14/03/2023 13:35

Be open to the idea but write a list of things he doesn't like about here and what would be materially different over there. Eg if he misses friends, how much would he actually see them? Do they even live near where he wants to live, etc? Would he be ok with presumably less vaction time? That sort of thing.

Of course this process will only work if he's honest.

SuseB · 14/03/2023 13:36

Can't comment on the US/UK thing, but can comment on having a DH with lifelong struggles with depression. Having been together nearly 30 years I have seen that his depression tends to have a 'focus', whether that be work, family life, location etc. However, addressing that focus does not necessarily improve his mental health directly as it is just what he is focused on at that time, if that makes sense. When we were younger I would sometimes take steps to address whatever the current focus was and then be surprised it didn't help, but now I see it as part of the way his depression works. So when something seems to become a focus for him, I gently prompt him to ask if he is keeping up with meds/working on the self-care habits that do help him but that get neglected when he is struggling. All this to say that I would be cautious about a transatlantic move and do some 'what if it doesn't help' thinking. You don't say what he currently does to deal with his depression but it might be worth looking at that directly as something to work on independent of moving plans. We are a multicultural family too and I wonder whether living somewhere out of London, but with vibrant diverse communities, might give him some of the sense of 'home' he's looking for (eg we live in a suburb of Birmingham).

BarrelOfOtters · 14/03/2023 13:36

It seems like you aren't addressing the real problem here. His depression and managing it. You can't run away from yourself - and he had issues there before.

If you were in a happy secure relationship and both looking at this as the next step to take and had something planned to go to then you'd be asking very different very practical questions.

I think the questions are how to manage a marriage where one person is depressed... I've been there where my partner wanted to move away from where we were as it had all gone tits up for him - quite publicaly. We didn't, he got over himself, and now recognises that he was running from not to something. And it would have been a disaster for us as I didn't need to move (wasn't totally against it) but I didn't want to be stuck somewhere new and realise the big problem had come with us....

Moanranger · 14/03/2023 13:36

He will take his depression with him, it won’t cure it.
I am a US citizen now in UK and did not have much trouble making friends and fitting in. My experience is that Brits are more reticent than Americans, but friendships here are stronger, in US more superficial.
However, there could be aspects of your DH’s personality or interests that are better suited to American culture.
A suggestion- can he take a leave of absence, go to where he wants to be in US and try it for 3-6 months. That might give him some insight (on the other hand, he could get depressed being away from family!)
If you, yourself, can feel positive about a move & go for it, then it might work out. It has to be your decision.