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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

45 and desperate for a sibling for Dd

113 replies

Ourtimeisrunningout · 13/03/2023 21:01

Our Dd is nearly 5, we conceived her after years of infertility and losses via ivf. I feel so sad that she doesn’t have a sibling and feel such guilt for her.
We have a frozen embryo left over but I feel such guilt too about being too old…I feel fine and could do it energy wise…I’ve been through much harder things in my life. But I feel worried if we passed early etc and the child having older parents 🥲I wish life had been easier for us in this respect and we’d had kids in our earlier thirties as planned.
Is adopting a slightly older child an option do you think?
What would you do? Really at a vital crossroads…would you make peace with having only one child and no sibling for Dd and let it go or would you push ahead with the embryo/adoption route..and fast?

OP posts:
Oojamaflipp · 13/03/2023 21:08

I can't really give you much advice, but my dad was 44 when I was born (mum was younger) and he was always an "old dad" which may in part be his personality. That said, he's still going strong in his late 80s and tried to keep fit, whereas my grandad died in his 50s, so there's no guarantees about when we might go.

On the other hand, if you were to die early, having a sibling for your dd is probably a good thing, as she would still have some family (I don't know if she has cousins/aunts uncles etc?)

I don't know about adopting though. I think these days, the children who need homes tend to have had a difficult start in life and that comes with its own problems and are you prepared for everything that entails?

In your position, I don't know what I would do. Is your age likely to have a bearing on carrying a child? Would you be more likely to miscarry and how many embryos do you have?

Good luck though, it's a tough decision.

Untitledsquatboulder · 13/03/2023 21:10

Don't have a child to "give your dd a sibling". If you want to try for a child do it for you.

That aside, how wouldyou feel about another loss, or failure to conceive? Would you be able to come to terms with it, or would it devastate you? Sometimes it's better not to go there. Imo, 45 isn't too old to become a parent though - it's just that it's not very likely to work.

As for adoption, that's a whole nother kettle of fish. Maybe do some reading up about it to see if it's really something you want to consider. Be aware - it will take years. And you need to be done with trying to have birth children and have had a gap of at least 6 months to come to terms withthst before anyone will earn start to assess you.

Whatever you decide though, good luck.

gooseduckchicken · 13/03/2023 21:10

In your situation, I would rule out adoption completely. An older child is likely to have a lot of issues and tbh it sounds a little like you just want the child so your dd can have a sibling, not for the child itself.

As for the embryo, it really is up to you if you feel well enough. Look ahead to 60 when you'll have a 15 year old. Lots of practicalities to think about - financing uni when you want to retire for example.

Being an only child is completely fine and normal though. Your DD won't miss a sibling as long as you don't stay in mourning for a sibling. Get involved at school events, have lots of playdates, get her into afterschool activities. A sibling is not a guarantee of a friend for life.

EmptyPlaces · 13/03/2023 21:12

You don’t want another baby because you want DD to have a sibling, that’s just how you’ve decided to frame it.

why the fuck do people feel guilty for only having one child? Baffles me

DustyLee123 · 13/03/2023 21:12

I’ve always been very happy as an only child.
I’ve got 4 kids, and two of them don’t speak. So no guarantee that they’d get on.

Weallgottachangesometime · 13/03/2023 21:13

wow that sounds like you have had a tough time with fertility. I can imagine it’s hard not having the number of children you want sue to fertility issue.

I think you’re guilting yourself unnecessarily. Your child won’t come to any major harm not having a sibling. They’ll have a difference experience than if they had a sibling yes, but it’s not necessarily a worse experience.

I will say that this is not a basis on which to adopt, sorry to be harsh. Of course there are children who are older who would be a needing carers, but going down that route out of some kind of guilt for your child is not a good reason:

Goodadvice1980 · 13/03/2023 21:14

Being an only child is great 👍 I don’t understand the mindset of feeling a child “has” to have a sibling! Most siblings I know can’t stand each other 😂

Original poster
Ourtimeisrunningout · 13/03/2023 21:17

@EmptyPlaces What?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/03/2023 21:19

Honestly make peace with not having another child.

Plenty of us have siblings that we have nothing to do with. Plenty of people have young parents that tragically die when they are young.

Enjoy your DD, enjoy your family, live for now and fills your lives with love and fun.

SecretVictoria · 13/03/2023 21:19

Goodadvice1980 · 13/03/2023 21:14

Being an only child is great 👍 I don’t understand the mindset of feeling a child “has” to have a sibling! Most siblings I know can’t stand each other 😂

Yep! I never understand this train of thought on here. I love my DB now but I don’t think my life would’ve been immeasurably worse had I been an only. We fought like cat & dog as kids, so no real fond memories there!

FatherJoseFernandez · 13/03/2023 21:21

I personally would go for it and have the frozen embryo transferred. If you feel so strongly about having another it’s worth a shot. I have a colleague who had twins at 44 and she’s loving it. Having young kids is tiring at any age.

Knitterofcrap · 13/03/2023 21:23

Adopting can take years and it’s possible you wouldn’t be accepted.

If you really want another child I would go ahead with your remaining embryo.

I hope things work out for you, whatever you decide.

Smartiepants79 · 13/03/2023 21:24

If you want another child and you think you’ve got the mental strength to deal with whatever trying to conceive may bring, then go for it.
Don’t do it just to give your child a sibling.
It’s not a good enough reason.

Abreezeitheglade · 13/03/2023 21:27

Trying reading one and only by Lauren Saddler, it’s a brilliant book. I no longer have a close relationship with either of my siblings and it’s caused me no end of suffering.

Summer2424 · 13/03/2023 21:28

Hi @Ourtimeisrunningout i would go for the embryo. I'm 42 yrs old and would love a sibling for my DD.
All the best in your decision x

TerrysNeapolitan · 13/03/2023 21:29

Goodadvice1980 · 13/03/2023 21:14

Being an only child is great 👍 I don’t understand the mindset of feeling a child “has” to have a sibling! Most siblings I know can’t stand each other 😂

This. I am an only child. Never felt the need for a sibling. Partner has two siblings. Doesn't see them hardly at all. Even the death of one of the parents last year did not really unite them. There is no rift/problem with their relationship, it is just they are generally not interested in each others lives. Only have a child for you, your DD will be fine without a sibling if that happens. Take it from me!

Lcb123 · 13/03/2023 21:30

I think you need to come to terms with not having another child. Lots of siblings don’t have a relationship/ have awful conflict. There’s a lot of benefits of one child families. Don’t just adopt so DD had a sibling that’s not fair - it’s a massive thing to adopt a child

Wavesandsand · 13/03/2023 21:32

I'd have a shot with the last embryo. It could be hard and traumatic but so could be living with the 'what if' forever. I'd also explore the adoption route, I think at 45 you can go into it with eyes open.

Hankunamatata · 13/03/2023 21:43

Only you can decide. There are so many what ifs. What if you do have another as a sibling, you child may love it, your child may hate it, what if baby is disabled and current child becomes a carer giving them life long responsibility, what if they get on fab and are amazing company, what if they dislike each other as its a big age gap with little in common.

StarDolphins · 13/03/2023 21:44

honestly, in your situation, I would make peace with your 1 special one.

I know 4 older (my age) only children & they’re all happy, secure & confident people & know one is one of my best friends & she loves it!

I had my little girl age 42 & felt guilty & took me ages to decide not to have another but all things considered, I made the right choice & now I’m shattered with 1!

my DD doesn’t have any nearby cousins but I make sure she can always have her friends over & we never say no to invites.

I’m not an only but my sister died young & we weren’t close anyway, nothing is guaranteed.

Coffeellama · 13/03/2023 21:47

I’d probably try the embryo, the chances aren’t high but it’d be destroyed (or donated I guess) at some point anyway, so I’d let it run its course.

It would be wrong to adopt a child to give your child a sibling, that’s just not how it works. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with only having one child, there’s also nothing wrong with adoption. But adopting for the wrong reasons won’t do your existing child or the adopted child any favours.

Bunnyishotandcross · 13/03/2023 21:48

Imo if you don't try with your embryo you will always regret it. If it doesn't work you will know your dd was meant to be an only dc!

Bunnyishotandcross · 13/03/2023 21:49

I had my last dc at 43.2.. No regrets at all.

Axahooxa · 13/03/2023 21:49

Embryo.

PacificallyRequested · 13/03/2023 21:49

I would make my peace with only having one child.
There are no guarantees in this life, even if the embryo transfer was successful and you got pregnant (big ifs as I'm sure you know) your baby could have a disability and that would have a big impact on your daughter's life.