45 and desperate for a sibling for Dd

[Ourtimeisrunningout]

Our Dd is nearly 5, we conceived her after years of infertility and losses via ivf. I feel so sad that she doesn’t have a sibling and feel such guilt for her.
We have a frozen embryo left over but I feel such guilt too about being too old…I feel fine and could do it energy wise…I’ve been through much harder things in my life. But I feel worried if we passed early etc and the child having older parents 🥲I wish life had been easier for us in this respect and we’d had kids in our earlier thirties as planned.
Is adopting a slightly older child an option do you think?
What would you do? Really at a vital crossroads…would you make peace with having only one child and no sibling for Dd and let it go or would you push ahead with the embryo/adoption route..and fast?

Only children are much more common now OP, it's not like our day when it was unusual and people felt sorry for you. Your DD will be absolutely fine as an only child, no need to feel guilty.

Have the embryo! I had twins at 44. All good. X

There are absolutely no guarantees with anything in this life. My Mum had me at 40 in the 1970’s which was considered very old, she was older than most of my friends grandparents. She passed away at Christmas aged 85, I had 45 amazing years with her and my Dad is 84 and still with us. My only regret is that I never had a sibling to share things with when I was growing up and also to share the burden as they have got older. I’m nearly 46, and if I was healthy I would have another baby in a heartbeat. My boys are 18 and 12. You will be forever thinking what if…if you don’t try.

I completely understand how you feel but I don’t think you need to worry too much about having an only child. I have quite a few friends who were only children; now they’re married with kids of their own they are certainly not “alone” in life. In fact the ones I know seem to be very close to their parents and have enjoyed certain privileges that I never had as one of three (their parents seem to take their families on nice holidays each year and regularly help them out financially). Having a sibling can be great but it can also be difficult. The most important thing is that your child has plenty of people around then who love and support them.

I would definitely use my last embryo. 100%.
45 isn't that old. Anyone could die at any point. Good luck!

There’s higher risks of things going wrong for pregnant older women (40s, especially mid-late 40s). Also higher risk of the child having chromosomal disorders or learning difficulties.

Stick with an only child. They’re not uncommon, especially nowadays. 5+ years is quite a big gap too as they won’t be interested in the same things. Maybe adopt a child close in age to your Dd? I think adopted children have to be slightly younger than your bio child.

you’ve had a tough time. Focus on your DD and enjoy a lovely close relationship with her.

I'd do the embryo but if it didn't work accept it and focus on making your life full in other ways.

Hard not to give it one last shot if you would like another. Just don't do it for your daughter, she can have a charmed life with you both concentrating on her. Families come in all shapes and sizes.

Transfer the embryo, if it doesn’t work then the decision is made. But at least you tried. 45 is not too old

I’d give it a go with your last embryo. Do it for you, though, not for your DD who will be absolutely fine either way.

Adoption of an older child doesn’t sound a good fit for you at all, given what you’ve said.

Having a single child is perfectly fine. My mother was 43 when she had me in the 70s she lived until she was 82, I was in my early 40s when she died, my father died when I was 23. I don’t recommend having kids in your 40s I know it’s not pc but my lived experience is that it’s tough on your kids. I had siblings which didn’t make a lot of difference.

How would you feel if you did go ahead and have another child for your daughter, only for that child to have some sort of disability? Your older age makes it more likely and more likely that you'll die at an age when she's still young but may need to take on caring responsibilities.

When you think about it through this lens, having a sibling for another child really does look potentially different. And not so rosy and live happily ever after.

Your daughter is now 5. She'll be 6 if you were to get pregnant tomorrow. That's an age gap which makes a sibling relationship more difficult - they will never be at the same life stage until their mid / late thirties at least.

You don't seem like you want a child for the child either. Just a playmate / emotional crutch for the child you already have. That's quite the burden to put on a child.

Speaking as someone who doesn't get on with their sibling, hasn't spoken to them in years and has no desire to, you are beholden to a fantasy that might not exist.

Enjoy and appreciate what you have. Make your daughter happy and secure and she's more likely to be surrounded by people who love her even if they are unrelated. People who will be there at every stage of her life.

Move on.

Sorry just to be clear..my embryo is frozen from my 30’s so not a massive risk of abnormalities etc.

Also, to say this wouldn’t be *Just to have a sibling for Dd and is obviously something We’d love also. I'd never consider it just for this reason, especially adoption.

It is literally just all about my age and the future for that child 😐

I would go for the embryo transfer. At least you would give it the chance of life. If it doesnt work out then you tried but it wasn't meant to be. @Abreezeitheglade

That @ was a mistake don't know how it happened.

If you really want to, then I think definitely give that embryo a shot. Realistically you know your chances aren't great - but can you really just let that embryo be destroyed/donated? It might be part of the closure of that chapter if nothing else - or, it may work!

I think if you decide to adopt, then go down that route once you've closed the chapter on IVF. They're very separate and different journeys.

But you are older so the risk of complications is still higher. Especially since it would be an IVF pregnancy.

It may be worth it to you to see what date brings if it were. But don't put that on your daughter as something you are doing for her as if you are doing her a favour. You could end up resenting her or another baby with that attitude.

Do it if you want another and only if you want another. No other reason.

I made peace with only having one years ago.....love just having one now for so many reasons. She would hate me to adopt just so she had a sibling!

The title of your thread is that you are ‘desperate for a sibling for dd’ and you said:
I feel so sad that she doesn’t have a sibling and feel such guilt for her.
Which clearly shows you’ve got worries other than just your age here. I’d try and make peace with those first and then try the embryo if that’s still what you want. I still think adoption is the wrong choice for you.

My Uncle was 62 and 64 when his children were born and its kept him young. Lovely kids both adults at uni - I don't get the issue if your energy levels are OK.

Your child doesn't "need" a sibling - nobody does. As mentioned, lots of siblings hate each other.
Maybe your time would be better spent in accepting how lucky you already are?

Your attitude about only children is disturbing. I'm an only child, I had an amazing childhood and I have never once wished that I had a sibling. Only children are not to be pitied, FFS.

I’ve been through this at a similar age to you.
If you don’t try one last time with your frozen embryo will you regret that in years to come?
As an only child to older parents I hid behind “I want a sibling for my child” because for some reason it felt silly to admit that after all the infertility I wanted another go at having a child and experiencing pregnancy and the joy of another child etc. Maybe I was worried people would think that "doing it for me" was selfish due to my age.
I have a friend who was scared to try and it’s her biggest regret. If you have the embryo already don’t risk a future of “what ifs”.
I wouldn't do adoption though, I think try the last embryo and make peace with the outcome either way

@Hbh17 Yes, I know how lucky I am to have her, but with all respect, it’s not as lucky as the majority of people who can choose when to have a child and how many they’d like…as easily as that.