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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

45 and desperate for a sibling for Dd

113 replies

Ourtimeisrunningout · 13/03/2023 21:01

Our Dd is nearly 5, we conceived her after years of infertility and losses via ivf. I feel so sad that she doesn’t have a sibling and feel such guilt for her.
We have a frozen embryo left over but I feel such guilt too about being too old…I feel fine and could do it energy wise…I’ve been through much harder things in my life. But I feel worried if we passed early etc and the child having older parents 🥲I wish life had been easier for us in this respect and we’d had kids in our earlier thirties as planned.
Is adopting a slightly older child an option do you think?
What would you do? Really at a vital crossroads…would you make peace with having only one child and no sibling for Dd and let it go or would you push ahead with the embryo/adoption route..and fast?

OP posts:

Snoken · 14/03/2023 07:22

How old is the father of the child?

Trixiefirecracker · 14/03/2023 07:27

Go for it! Think you will regret it if you don’t. Having siblings can be wonderful and I think an age gap can bring them closer. Loads of women having children in their 40s. I did! Wishing you the best of luck.

massifcentral · 14/03/2023 07:47

I can understand how Covid changed things. I sometimes think I might have tried for a third child in 2020 when DS was 2 if it hadn't been for Covid. He's also 5 now, and I'm 44. The thing holding me back now is the very high risk of miscarriage or serious abnormality even if I were lucky enough to get pregnant (would have to be a natural conception.

But in your case I would say to go for it. This is mostly because the embryo will be of higher quality, ie not mid-40s old. But it also exists and is a concrete thing -you will have to do something with it at some point, and I can see that disposing of it would be too painful.

Call the clinic today. I do think that if you're going to do it is has to be now. Being 50 with a child in early years is one thing, but I think 50 with a child in nursery would be pushing it for me.

45 seems to be the last age at which a low but significant number of women (perhaps more in the past, never many) have natural births. So now!

summerpoolandsun · 14/03/2023 07:52

I would go for it. You have an embryo, you have a chance. We had one child also and spent five years trying naturally plus IVF to give him a sibling. I wouldn’t worry about your age at all.

Original poster

Ourtimeisrunningout · 14/03/2023 08:18

Thank you everyone for your comments, there are just so very many aspects, leaving the embryo behind is also a v painful thought 😢it’s so complicated…I’m so envious of people who just literally have to decide if they want to have a baby, then have sex! Simple as that.
Dh is the same age as me

OP posts:

AgeGapBbe · 14/03/2023 08:18

I go for it. The chances of it working are low, but you’d always wonder if you don’t.

monsterradeliciosa · 14/03/2023 09:35

I think adoption is so wonderful but don't unerestimate how difficult it could be.

Sugarfree23 · 14/03/2023 11:49

Op I'd give that embryo a go. If it takes then great if it doesn't then you know its time to move on.

You'll always have a 'what if' 'should we have' in the back of your mind if you don't

Ethelfromnumber73 · 14/03/2023 11:53

Similar situation here- I had my DD at 38 after many years of infertility. We also had a frozen embryo which we ultimately decided against using as we felt we were probably too old to do it all again. It's heartbreaking when things don't work out as planned but my daughter is now 10 and thriving as an only

ObamaLlamas · 14/03/2023 12:29

FatherJoseFernandez · 13/03/2023 21:21

I personally would go for it and have the frozen embryo transferred. If you feel so strongly about having another it’s worth a shot. I have a colleague who had twins at 44 and she’s loving it. Having young kids is tiring at any age.

This. Worth a shot
If it doesn't work out its not meant to be.

Orchidflower1 · 14/03/2023 14:57

Ourtimeisrunningout · 14/03/2023 08:18

I can see what you mean op but hypothetically speaking, you’re lying on your death bed- which will you regret more?

trying- even if it fails or never trying at all?

TakeMe2Insanity · 14/03/2023 15:51

I would say go for it. Good luck.

You’ll get a lot of negative comments from people especially those who’ve been fortunate to have children at the conventional time and with ease. Concentrate on you and your family and take the decision with them
in mind, not those who’ve had a different path.

Trixiefirecracker · 15/03/2023 07:55

My mum had me at 40 and I have had children in my 40s. I have only recently lost my mum, I was 50 and she was 90. We had a lot of good years together. I never expected her to look after my kids but they got a lot of pleasure being around her. Lots of older mothers these days as career has pushed the age women conceive right back in a lot of cases. It’s increasingly common.

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