45 and desperate for a sibling for Dd

[Ourtimeisrunningout]

Our Dd is nearly 5, we conceived her after years of infertility and losses via ivf. I feel so sad that she doesn’t have a sibling and feel such guilt for her.
We have a frozen embryo left over but I feel such guilt too about being too old…I feel fine and could do it energy wise…I’ve been through much harder things in my life. But I feel worried if we passed early etc and the child having older parents 🥲I wish life had been easier for us in this respect and we’d had kids in our earlier thirties as planned.
Is adopting a slightly older child an option do you think?
What would you do? Really at a vital crossroads…would you make peace with having only one child and no sibling for Dd and let it go or would you push ahead with the embryo/adoption route..and fast?

@ivfover45 Yes, perhaps it is a bit that also…I admit I do want it for myself too..a lot

@RedToothBrush But what risks are higher to the child if the pregnancy was successful?

I would go for it. I had an older dad who is still going strong and a much younger mum who died relatively young. We can’t tell what cards we will be dealt. Best wishes to you.

@Aquamarine1029 I don’t have any attitude about only children 🤷🏻‍♀️
I would just like a sibling for my Dd as Dh and I get older and I would’ve really loved more kids and a bigger family, but I couldn’t, I’d that ok?!

*Is ffs..no idea why you’d be so rude on a sensitive post

Do it OP. I'd give anything to be able to and give my ds a sibling at age 44. Sadly I had to just have a hysterectomy despite being very fertile for my age. Bloody fibroids and years of anaemia. No partner anyway, so thats it over with. Sigh. If you have a chance and you want to do it, just go for it.

Pre eclampsia, gestational diabetes, placenta issues. These can all result in complications for the baby and are related to your age rather than the egg.

Hi OP, it sounds like you've had a tough time of it. I take my hat off to you, you and your DD sound lovely. I think it's quite clear from your post you're not thinking about this just to give your DD a sibling!!

There's a lot of misinformation/crap on this thread about adoption. Absolutely no reason to think you shouldn't consider adoption. It rarely takes "years". The average time is 6 months to be approved and then it's a case of how long is a piece of string to be matched with a child.

All children in the care system have been through trauma however this does not make them damaged little monsters. Some kids require extra care and therapeutic parenting, however a lot don't and if you're going into it with your eyes open with and open mind and are willing to learn then thats a good start. I know you mentioned adopting an older child and that's great if that's something you're thinking about...however I just wanted to point out that there are babies and toddlers needing adoptive families too. There's a bit of a misconception that there are never babies needing adoption. That's not true, you might be waiting a bit longer to be matched for a younger child but not always depending on your local area.

If you give your local authority adoption service a ring you will be able to have an initial chat with a social worker. They should be able to tell you rightly what the process involves and it might clear up any questions you might have and just make it easier for you to make a decision that is best for your family.

You're not too old, I know someone who recently had their first at 43 and she wants to go on to have another.
Do it if you feel you want another one OP
Xx

Sorry to sound harsh, but no I wouldn't. I personally think you're too old, and you shouldn't be having another child just to give your child a sibling.

I would roll the dice with the final embryo. then see where you are after that.

The ‘to have a sibling’ thing has always baffled me. Full disclosure- I’m an only. Throughout my life in my extended family and friends I’ve very rarely seen a close sibling relationship; most are lukewarm and some full on hostile/ low contact.

This! I have a sibling, close in age but never close growing up and definitely not close as adults. No particular reason, we are just very different people with nothing in common apart from parentage. Have another DC because you want one, not out of guilt your current DC. Her live won't be less than if she doesn't have a sibling

I'd just try with the embryo. The egg won't be that old- must be from age 39/40? Then, if it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be, but at least you tried. Had my DD at 42, naturally conceived so the egg would be older. Had GD but DD is unaffected and I'm fine now.

I felt great at 44. Two years later perimenopause kicked in and I felt urgh. Hrt has helped but be warned those hormones can really change the game, my inclination to nurture took a real hit when the hormones dropped, my kids were a bit older so could have been worse, if they'd been toddler age I might have imploded with the effort of holding myself together. Doesn't mean you can't do it, everyone is different anyway, but have your awareness tuned so you can deal with it if you need to. Good luck whatever you decide.

I'd say try the embryo.

But I do slightly wonder why you haven't already done that. I'm an older mother, like many of my friends, and we all tried for much smaller age gaps. (In my case natural conception, and got lucky, so have 2 two years apart.) Was there a reason that you didn't go for the second embryo when you were 41/42? Has that now changed? Without knowing anything more, I would think that the choice not to try for another baby already points to some real ambivalence about having a second.

I feel so sad that she doesn’t have a sibling and feel such guilt for her.

Guilt for her? As though she's "lesser than" because she doesn't have a sibling. Sad for someone who doesn't need your pity? Yes, you absolutely do have an attitude about only children. It's fucking weird.

If I were you, I'd have the embryo transferred and see what happens. I don't think at 45 I could go through a full ivf cycle but that's just me (I did it at 36 and found it a lot). It would be wise to have some counselling around it though, as it might not work so you'll need to have the resilience to get through that, particularly when you have a dd to care for.

If I wanted another's dc and had a remaining embryo I'd find it hard to not just go for it. Best of luck, and sorry you're getting a lot of defensive replies from only children. I get their pov but your post is clearly from an infertility context and it's OK to want more than one child.

My dd was lonely af until she had a little brother at 4.5y and they play really well now at 7.5 and 3.

In your shoes I'd def transfer the embryo. I had DC1 age 40, was desperate for another (increasingly so as time went on) had DC2 at age 45. Oddly my desire for a baby was stronger after I'd had my first and although I worried about DC1 being a lonely only (as a friend put it - she also told me that only children are selfish citing her dad as an example. She meant well but it really fed into my insecurities) really it was for me. DC1 regularly asked for a sibling but realistically would have been fine as an only - friends are the family that you choose and all that. So for me it would be embryo no question and consider adoption later on if I still felt the same and DH agreed. Good luck.

It sounds as though you would like to try using the embryo. I would give it a go. You might regret it if you don't and if it doesn't work out then you'll know that that wasn't meant to be and can look into things like adoption going forwards.

Don't adopt a child to give your child a sibling. That isn't the purpose of any child. They should be wanted and loved simply for themselves not for adding something to your child's life.

I don't think I'd transfer the embryo at 45 but I can see why someone would do it and take the chance.

But honestly, I live in an area where there are a lot of older mothers and a lot of only children. Many of my children's friends were only children. There is a huge upside to it. At times when we struggled to give each of our 3 the right amount of attention (especially when one child had issues that consumed nearly all the oxygen) I used to look at those parents who could just focus on the one and envy them.

My dh's grandmother was an only child and was almost entirely cousinless too - she was pretty much the only child of her generation and at a time (early 1900s) when most families were big. She was the most fantastic woman, everyone loved her, she went on to have several children and grandchildren and great grandchildren herself. Try to love the life you have with your gorgeous daughter and trust that she will forge an equally good life for herself.

@Aquamarine1029 Ok. I think this is a personal thing to you, quite clearly and I’m not being offensive to only children at all, as others can see. I won’t be engaging further with you.

@massifcentral Covid came along and it all changed.:.I had long covid after it for just under two years. But you’re right, I’ve had just under a year to push ahead and haven’t…my Dd hasn’t been well with various things and started school etc, life seems to just take over. It’s that thing of it being not simple at all, my clinic is a 3 hr train/car journey there, going through the whole process etc..I’m not sure what the reason is holding me back, I think is age as I wish I’d pushed ahead before

In your situation I would try with the embryo, then draw a line under it if it didn't work. Concerns about being an older parent are valid, but thing is you already are one. In for a penny, in for a pound, surely.

I don't mean that unkindly, I don't think it's too old personally.