45 and desperate for a sibling for Dd

[Ourtimeisrunningout]

Our Dd is nearly 5, we conceived her after years of infertility and losses via ivf. I feel so sad that she doesn’t have a sibling and feel such guilt for her.
We have a frozen embryo left over but I feel such guilt too about being too old…I feel fine and could do it energy wise…I’ve been through much harder things in my life. But I feel worried if we passed early etc and the child having older parents 🥲I wish life had been easier for us in this respect and we’d had kids in our earlier thirties as planned.
Is adopting a slightly older child an option do you think?
What would you do? Really at a vital crossroads…would you make peace with having only one child and no sibling for Dd and let it go or would you push ahead with the embryo/adoption route..and fast?

At some stage you are going to have to make a difficult decision about what to do with that embryo if you don't use it. Do you think at that point, you'd have regrets about not trying one more time!

I'm so sorry my post was meant to end with a question mark not a !

Op if you really want another child give the embryo a go.

Regarding adoption, the child has to be younger than the youngest in the family. Depending on the agency they want a maximum of 45 years between the child and youngest parent. So really that's going to make it harder for you to find a suitable match. But you'll get better advice in the adoption board

Go ahead with your embryo if this is your wish . Only please consider when the child is late teens, you will be in your sixties, still washing and cooking for him/her when your peers will be enjoying occasional visits from grandchildren. Try asking a few people in their sixties how they would feel have a teenager at their time of life. I am 63, my granddaughter is 16 and to be honest, I don't think I could cope with her full time even though I have good health.

Don't have another child for your existing child. Each child has their own personalities, some gel more than others. Have a child because you want one.

If you want it, do it, or you will regret it.

It may not work out anyway.

I had dd2 at 42 and it's fine so far (she's 3).

My dad is 45 years older than me and has always seemed pretty ancient so it's weird in that respect to think I may be an old parent but as pp said I think that's partly my dad's character (he's been a grumpy old man all his life).

im going to get flamed for this but I'm early twenties and a single mum. However my parents are both 70s due to being older and I have literally zero support not just with childcare but I struggle to just ring mum as my world I live in (social media, interests, Netflix) is not the same world as my mums and it's always been a a huge struggle for me and made me feel lonely. I think that's partly to do with my parents using old parenting styles rather then choosing to learn or try to adapt more then age but my childhood was a lonely time. (I have a older sister who's amazing) but please think of being 70 with a 25 year old who will likely live at home due to the housing issues it's not just a smal child x

congratulations on dd you sound like a loving and caring mum x

@Ourtimeisrunningout
I am a similar age and also have these conflicted thoughts about another child. Its so difficult.

I am an only child and I dont feel one bit envious of any of my friends and their siblings - in fact I think there is only one friend with a brilliant relationship with her sister. Ive always had really good female friendships which has been so important to me.
My relationship with my parents is so special (as is theirs with my child) and my memories growing up are all brilliant with so much nurture and support. Think I need to remind myself of all this 🤣

If you do go ahead with the transfer and it's successful look into the Harmony scan which I had.

Good luck with your decision.

Op, I know how life just seems to move so quickly and before you know it years have passed. I am sorry about your fertility struggles too. That must have been hard. How would you feel if the transfer wasn't successful? Do you think you'd be able to cope especially maybe considering that with s child you won't have much time or opportunity to fully grieve.

I had my second at almost 43 so I guess I am biased but I would go for it if you really want another one, are willing to take the risk of a potentially stressful journey ahead and if you are in good health at the moment. I do worry about being an older parent and how I'll cope when my two are teenagers but I'm still glad I had them. Late isn't ideal but for me it's still better than never.

Having said thst after having a second I really doubt that only children are somehow worse off. There are a lot of advantages to being an only especially as a child. Mainly full attention from your parents.

I did consider though in my case that if we died early DD would be left with not much family as she doesn't have any cousins either.

As someone has said I'm pretty sure adoption agencies prefer the adopted child to be the youngest in the family and substantially younger than your other kids so that your have got enough time for them. It's not something to be taken on lightly and I doubt that it would be the right decision for you. I also wonder if havinh an existing child that is your own biologically makes it even more complicated.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

There’s still higher risks in pregnancy and childbirth for older women. Especially when IVF is thrown in. You’re also fairly close in age to my parents so I think 45 is too old now for a newborn. Obviously many people in their 40s are fit and healthy, but a PP earlier said she’s in her early 20s and her parents are in their 70s and this is tricky for her now.

Your Dd is 5 and will be at least 6 if you have another dc. That’s a big age gap so they won’t have as close a relationship as you hope. They would never be into the same things at the same time. Just enjoy your Dd. She doesn’t need a sibling because she’ll have lots of friends.

I'm an only child, as is DS and we're both fine, neither of us are bothered that we don't have siblings. People really need to get over this silly "guilt" idea about only children, we really don't care.

I wouldn't be trying to have another baby at that age honestly.

This. I definitely wouldn't adopt in your position. The focus of adoption should be the child being adopted, not 'completing' your family.

But just as one child is a completely valid choice, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting another child. I'm very sorry it's been such a hard process for you and you've ended up in this position 💐.

Your Dd is 5 and will be at least 6 if you have another dc. That’s a big age gap so they won’t have as close a relationship as you hope.

I disagree with this. It will be a different relationship, yes, but the age gap doesn't necessarily mean it won't be close.

My mum was 47 when she had her last child ( no contraception in those days). She died at ninety. I think she found it hard, but she was a loving mother to us all.
So it's possible. Good luck if you decide to go ahead.

I wouldn't, it is too old in my opinion and the age gap between your daughter and potential sibling is going to be quite large.

I was an only child who would have loved a sibling. It's not too bad being an only child when you have parents, aunts, uncles etc around. When that older generation passes away you can feel that you have a very small family indeed. I had 2 children for this reason.

I know that you went through a lot to have your child via IVF and you were lucky to get pregnant at 40. Your child is now 5 and your 45. You feel that you should try with the embryo you have to have another child. You feel that you should have a sibling for your child.
At 45 I think that you could be putting yourself towards a hard pregnancy and a higher chance of having a child with special needs. Not all special needs like say autism are apparent at birth.
Even if you had another child now they are going to be at totally different stages and your going back to sleepless nights ect.

I think that rather having a another child you should enjoy the child and life you currently have at 45.

This whole giving dd a sibling thing - everyone i know who has such a big age gap as yours would be have struggled. Your dd just going to school suddenly your time is your own again but then you go right back to the beginning. The baby will be too young to play with dd, they'll have completely separate interests and you'll struggle to find activities that will engage both of them. Most of the people i know with a 5 year + age gap find theres quite a lot of conflict.

If you want to do it then go ahead - personally it would be too old for me.

Honestly @Ourtimeisrunningout if you feel mentally strong enough in case this became a loss, I’d go for it.

The embryo is there, it’s made with significantly younger eggs than your age now.

The only reason I can see not to is if you couldn’t cope with a loss. That is understandable too.

If this was the case, how would you ( and dh) feel about donating it?

sending 💐

Honestly OP, you accused at least one other poster of being insensitive but your own OP is incredibly insensitive, both to only children and also adopters/adoptees. Firstly, only children aren't to be pitied because they don't have siblings. And adoption isn't some kind of instant sibling shop either. Think about the things you say before you say them.

Go for it . I had a “surprise “ baby at 45. Yes it’s tiring but he has kept me young and we are very close. He is also close to his much older siblings.

As a parent with a 6 year age gap between my children I have to completely disagree with your comment. They absolutely adore each other and play together and get on so well. Much better than many siblings closer in age I’ve seen.

You seem to be worried about your DD being an only child. Please don't! Millions of uf 'onlys' have managed single childhood and adulthood perfectly well. Indeed, reading about all the sibling rivalry/areguements/NC on MN, most of us would be heaving a sigh of relief!
Only children are self-sufficient, good at interacting with adults and resourceful. We make great Godmothers/aunties too
Don't force this - why not, after all you and your husband have been through to get this far, just enjoy the fabulous times with your daughter, create memories and enjoy your 'middle age'. Trust me, you may feel full of beans now, but ageing isn't gentle. Everything fallls to bits more quickly each year!

Why would she have a higher chance of having a child with special needs with this pregnancy..?

My Mum had me at nearly 41. She lived into her 80's, until 79, after retiring at 65, she was a lollipop lady. She was well enough to help me with childcare in her mid 70's. Most women in our family are like this. My Mum went from growing up in a house with gas lighting to working on computers. She took an interest in my children's gaming and taught herself about dyslexia/autism etc. It's a matter of personality. There's an increase in older foster carers and there are some in their 70's.

OP taking away the sibling aspect, decide based on your want of a second child. Do it quickly.