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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

10 kids? To judge it not to judge?

354 replies

Sekena · 13/03/2023 18:45

I don't have 10 kids lol BUT boyfriends Dad was one of 10 - boyfriend's dad was a 'rainbow' baby born after a stillbirth -although doubt if this term was used then. Boyfriend himself is one of 5 - and all the sibs get on.

On MN - you get for instance a lot of 'only child' threads and parents potential guilt for not providing siblings and the opinions on these quite rightly are overwhelmingly that onlies don't miss out and these only child stereotypes are nonsense - which I completely agree with - I firmly believe an only child can thrive and doesn't need siblings. However - I also believe that a child in a large family can also thrive - just like my boyfriend's dad did. However if I was to say I'd like 10 kids - would I be judged ? I haven't decided on this at all - I'm currently pregnant with my second - but honestly felt my DD thrived as an only so definitely didn't conceive to give Dd a sibling - am delighted for this child in its own right !

I'm currently open minded about family size and am a SAHM. But what are your opinions on families of 10 like my boyfriends Dad's - WIBU if this is what I wanted ?

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 14/03/2023 07:15

Well if you wanted to spend an hour 1:1, then if you have 4 that's four hours. How many people have four spare hours a day?m

Since when has that been the criteria for anything????????

Sorry but what bollocks.

Lots of families have 4 happy children.

Neolara · 14/03/2023 07:15

I probably wouldn't judge but i would wonder about your pelvic floor. And how long you spend doing laundry.

sunglassesonthetable · 14/03/2023 07:17

And how long you spend doing laundry.

With 4 - most of my life.

So with 10 - I can't even picture it.

DifferenceEngines · 14/03/2023 07:18

I just don't see how you could give each of them enough time and attention? The smaller "big" families, I could see how it could work, but not with the really big ones.

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 14/03/2023 07:21

One of my parents is from a large family and it dies put a strain on the original family parents and the siblings/children. This creates psychological problems which takes generations to heal, so yes I would judge.

Some of the big family children are parentified to help the mother cope. It's not fair, these families are usually a not to the patriarchy and the women tend to carry a heavier caring burden than they should. Children s needs get lost in the endurance test of family survival.

Jujuj · 14/03/2023 07:28

My mum was one of 10, my MIL one of 11.
Both of them had 2 kids.
We have an only child, as does my SIL. My brother has none.

All are acceptable life choices.

Fizbosshoes · 14/03/2023 07:36

I know several families with 4 children, 1 with 5, they can afford them and kids to extra curricular activities etc.

I think though that when you get into double figures I would question how you can meet the needs of each child and treat them as individuals. If you had a baby and toddler, and a 4 and 5 year old for example, who naturally need a lot of attention and supervision, then your time to help an older child or teenager with homework, or have a chat with them, or take them to a friends etc is going to be far more limited.

I've watched the kids and counting series since there were "only" 15 of them and to me it seems quite chaotic and the parents very rarely appear to have time for 1-1 or even 1-2 time with them. And it looks like the older girls have more of a parenting role once they reach teens.
One programme the parents were laughing about how many tvs had been broken and they didn't know how it happened or who did it. I'd be worried someone could hurt or injure themselves (or a sibling) if there were so many children and physically impossible to keep an eye on them all the time.

TheaBrandt · 14/03/2023 07:42

I don’t understand how the Ponzi scheme of more and more people being born to financially support the older generation is supposed to work when the planet is a finite size with finite resources? Surely technology must be employed rather than more and more people. Overcrowding is horrible. So personally we stopped at 2 as did pretty much everyone we know and I wouldn’t gush over a large family no. Different in the past.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 14/03/2023 07:43

My mind would boggle as I can't imagine parenting that many children well. But that's my limitation not yours. 🙃
My mum is one of 5, it wasn't a happy experience for her. She is barely in contact with 3 of them and fairly close to one. When their mum was dying the politics were horrendous and three of the siblings did not act in her best interests at all. 😢
But a large happy family sounds lovely! I just can't imagine it sadly.

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 07:52

I don't understand the birth rate is declining argument?

Thats a good thing. Not a bad thing.

We just need to figure out the ageing population thing

glittereyelash · 14/03/2023 07:57

My mam had 16 siblings and none of them had more than 5 children themselves. It seemed perfectly normal as I was growing up but now it just seems crazy. My nan absolutely loved having a big family though.

OriginalUsername2 · 14/03/2023 08:10

That’s a whole 10 properties the “babies” will all eventually need.

Plus 10 lots of pregnancy & birth services from the NHS.

It’s too much.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/03/2023 08:18

A very good friend of mine was one of 12. She loves her siblings but absolutely doesn't regard the big family as a positive and resents her parents for making those choices.

sunglassesonthetable · 14/03/2023 08:23

*don't understand the birth rate is declining argument?

Thats a good thing. Not a bad thing.

We just need to figure out the ageing population thing*

It's not an 'argument'

It's just a fact. The ageing population makes certain things very difficult.

NHs Resources, Pensions, etc
And yes it does need to be 'figured out'

PhoenixAuntie · 14/03/2023 08:29

Pre decent contraception being available I do not judge, post mid 1960’s I do judge. I am one of six all apart from one born pre 1965.

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 08:30

@sunglassesonthetable

Posters are definitely presenting it as an argument for larger families

It's nonsense

Even if it was valid (which it's not) no one can justify 10 kids

mydogisthebest · 14/03/2023 08:30

OriginalUsername2 · 14/03/2023 08:10

That’s a whole 10 properties the “babies” will all eventually need.

Plus 10 lots of pregnancy & birth services from the NHS.

It’s too much.

All the "you can have as many children as you want" brigade never seem to think about these things.

Unless they are going private for all the births (unlikely) they are costing the NHS a fortune. A normal birth with no complications costs the NHS around £10,000. Yet people think it is ok to have 4, 5, 6, 7 or more children!

The birth rate may be declining but anyone who lives in the UK can see how overcrowded we are and that every service is stretched to breaking point.

lazycats · 14/03/2023 08:32

My judgement wouldn’t extend beyond “thank fuck that’s not me.”

BornAgainCountryBumpkin1 · 14/03/2023 08:34

I'm from a large family. Around that figure. Was hard work. Parents couldn't really afford that many so there were things we missed out on. I wouldn't judge if said family had the resources to fund & all children get the quality time needed. I'll stick with two......

Firefly2023 · 14/03/2023 08:39

I would judge. I would have loved more children but it is not the environmentally responsible thing to do these days. I would judge you much more harshly if you couldn't afford to support them all to adulthood. No way should people be able to claim benefits for lots of children.

The problem is that in this country we do need more people of working age to support the baby boomers heading towards retirement. Less developed nations are having more children than developed countries so we get migration as those places can't support the population they have. Capitalism only works with an increasing working population - we are storing up issues by not having enough children - it is catch 22 but I still think globally we need to train those less fortunate than ourselves from overseas to fill the gaps here rather than have more children.

sunglassesonthetable · 14/03/2023 08:41

Posters are definitely presenting it as an argument for larger families

Who on here has done that? I haven't seen ANYONE arguing for larger families!!!!!

No one.

sunglassesonthetable · 14/03/2023 08:42

Unless they are going private for all the births (unlikely) they are costing the NHS a fortune. A normal birth with no complications costs the NHS around £10,000. Yet people think it is ok to have 4, 5, 6, 7 or more children!

I have 4 children.

JennyForeigner · 14/03/2023 08:42

My grandmother was the eldest daughter of a violent man who insisted on a large family. When her mum finally fled the home and disappeared, she was taken out of school and became the primary caregiver the next day. She was 13.

Different times - but there's always a risk that big families take away from other children.

Dumpruntime · 14/03/2023 08:49

Well Eton musk actually has ten now, and they think old boris has 8. Putin has at least six. But back to the normal folks..

multiple kids were common years ago, my paternal grandparents were both one of nine,j had a friend at school who was one of nine, I have a friend now who is In her fifties and she’s also one of nine.

however now it’s much less prevalent. Dual careers is the norm, with over 80 percent of mothers working,and rising costs to house and feed making it difficult.

would I judge, for someone who had them no, as there could be reasons he religious or ethics, and I’d be curious on how they managed, I’d judge someone who set out to have ten from the start though.

sunglassesonthetable · 14/03/2023 08:50

Does anyone on here know a family of 10 ?
Like currently?

Not on TV?