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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

10 kids? To judge it not to judge?

354 replies

Sekena · 13/03/2023 18:45

I don't have 10 kids lol BUT boyfriends Dad was one of 10 - boyfriend's dad was a 'rainbow' baby born after a stillbirth -although doubt if this term was used then. Boyfriend himself is one of 5 - and all the sibs get on.

On MN - you get for instance a lot of 'only child' threads and parents potential guilt for not providing siblings and the opinions on these quite rightly are overwhelmingly that onlies don't miss out and these only child stereotypes are nonsense - which I completely agree with - I firmly believe an only child can thrive and doesn't need siblings. However - I also believe that a child in a large family can also thrive - just like my boyfriend's dad did. However if I was to say I'd like 10 kids - would I be judged ? I haven't decided on this at all - I'm currently pregnant with my second - but honestly felt my DD thrived as an only so definitely didn't conceive to give Dd a sibling - am delighted for this child in its own right !

I'm currently open minded about family size and am a SAHM. But what are your opinions on families of 10 like my boyfriends Dad's - WIBU if this is what I wanted ?

OP posts:
mydogisthebest · 14/03/2023 11:27

sunglassesonthetable · 14/03/2023 10:30

*And?

4 is too many in my opinion. There may not be that many families of 10 or more but there are loads with 4 and 5.*

My OH also cost the NHS an absolute fortune when he had chemotherapy.

Just interested what you think is the right number?

2 children is enough. I already said that in a previous post.

Almost everybody uses the NHS but to have birth after birth after birth on the NHS is, in my opinion, wrong.

threeplusmum · 14/03/2023 11:32

@mydogisthebest

Oh do be quiet, I'm on my third baby - got a problem with that?

cheatingcrackers · 14/03/2023 11:33

I don't think people can give a number on all the children getting enough love, patience etc because it's going to be different for each Mum and Dad.

I know people with one who say they couldn't cope with more, and that is completely fair. I have a friend with 5 and I have no doubt that she and her DH has sufficient patience and energy to parent them all just as well as my DH and I parent my 3.

That's why it's hard to put a number on it. I certainly couldn't manage 10 😂

sunglassesonthetable · 14/03/2023 11:33

Almost everybody uses the NHS but to have birth after birth after birth on the NHS is, in my opinion, wrong.

Can't even go here tbh.

FourTeaFallOut · 14/03/2023 11:35

Two children is enough to achieve what? It's not like we are attempting to produce enough children to tend the farm when we age out.

If we accept firstly that as individuals we don't produce children altruistically - no one is producing two children to thwart population decline or to throw further heterogeneity into the human pot - and secondly that there is no pragmatic tangible benefit to having children at all, then this idea that enough is two and more than two is excessive abundance is entirely meaningless.

Eyerollcentral · 14/03/2023 11:36

mydogisthebest · 14/03/2023 11:27

2 children is enough. I already said that in a previous post.

Almost everybody uses the NHS but to have birth after birth after birth on the NHS is, in my opinion, wrong.

Show quote history

God you’re are miserable. People can have as many children as they like as long as they can pay for them. We all pay for the nhs, you don’t get to decide how many births people are allotted.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 14/03/2023 11:38

I don’t judge people wanting to have big families. I do judge if they keep having children despite struggling to provide for their existing children and/or the older ones are expected to down unfair amount of childcare for their younger siblings.

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 11:38

@sunglassesonthetable

A birth rate of 2.1 not 10 will do that

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 11:39

@Eyerollcentral

We all pay for the NHS.

We don't all pay in more than we take out

Abraxan · 14/03/2023 11:39

However if I was to say I'd like 10 kids - would I be judged ?

So long as you can afford to look after them all, in terms of both money and time, then it is up to you. That is the same for anyone, no matter if they are planning 1, 2, 5 or 10 children. It's something lots of people don't do and more of us ought to as part of our family planning.

Yes there are some environmental issues to consider with large families but your average person doesn't usually factor that in anyway, whether 1, 2, 10 or no children.

You do need to consider how you will manage it though.

Financially can you provide for 10 children, without needing to rely in state benefits? Can you afford to cloth and feed 10 children, provide them with everything they need, pay for their school trips, etc?

Time wise, can you give 10 children enough of your time and energy to ensure they all feel values, loved and cared for fully? Do you have time to help all of them with homework or hobbies? Can you afford to have transport to take them all out and about? All things to consider and more.

Can you ensure you won't be expecting the eldest children to help care for the younger ones? Older children shouldn't be used as childcare and still need to be allowed to grow up without the burden of needing to be home to help care for toddlers and babies, etc.

Will you have a willing support network to help out? Do you have family on both sides who you can rely in to help out if children are ill or need taking somewhere?

NeedToChangeName · 14/03/2023 11:39

I have a friend who was youngest of 10. Big age gap between oldest and youngest. Very little individual attention for the children. Logistically, difficult to go anywhere as such a huge group. It didn't sound great

sunglassesonthetable · 14/03/2023 11:39

A birth rate of 2.1 not 10 will do that

Totally agree. 🙌 Who wants 10 kids ! No thanks.

FourTeaFallOut · 14/03/2023 11:40

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 11:38

@sunglassesonthetable

A birth rate of 2.1 not 10 will do that

You couldn't pay most women to have ten. In an age with an abundance of contraceptive choices and high rates of infant survival most women won't choose to have more than two. Those who have ten in this situation are meaningless statistical outliers.

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 14/03/2023 11:41

In my opinion, being able to afford the amount of children you have means absolutely no outside help.

If you can afford 6 children purely because of the benefits you are able to claim, then you cannot afford 6 children.

sunglassesonthetable · 14/03/2023 11:41

*We all pay for the NHS.

We don't all pay in more than we take out*

Luckily.

Abraxan · 14/03/2023 11:41

actually my grandad was one of 13 - but he died before I was born

To be fair larger families were more common years ago, for various reasons. Contraception was one big reason to be fair.
My mum is one of 8 and my dad is one of 9. None of them or their siblings chose to have that many children though, mostly having 2-3 children. One uncle has 4, a couple have 1.

TomeTome · 14/03/2023 11:43

The difference between people with larger families and those who stop at one or two is the people with larger families once had only children or two. Presumably they are fundamentally different from those that didn’t have more because they felt it would add to their lives. I genuinely loved my large family growing up and would have actively disliked being an only or a pair.

Eyerollcentral · 14/03/2023 11:44

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 11:39

@Eyerollcentral

We all pay for the NHS.

We don't all pay in more than we take out

Do you go round telling fat people or smokers that or just the people who you think have too many children? Get elderly women turfed out of the hospitals, many of them didn’t even work full time!!!!

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 11:45

@Eyerollcentral

If it was relevant to the discussion, yes.

Most people just by living to an old age are a drain on the NHS

Abraxan · 14/03/2023 11:45

LobeliaBaggins · 13/03/2023 19:05

Nobody seems to judge Elon Musk. I think he has nearly 8 or 9 by now? I shudder to think of their carbon footprints.

To be fair he can at least afford to have lots of children.
The time, energy and effort aspects will still be an issue.

And to be honest there are far more issues I have with EM than the number of children he has.

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 11:46

Although to be fair, I think it's estimated that smokers do pay for their treatment in the amount cigarettes are taxed

Or at least they used to.

sunglassesonthetable · 14/03/2023 11:48

Clearly using NHS birth costs as a criteria for how many children should be acceptable is a massively flawed argument in the first place.

Eyerollcentral · 14/03/2023 11:49

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 11:45

@Eyerollcentral

If it was relevant to the discussion, yes.

Most people just by living to an old age are a drain on the NHS

Yep, you are miserable.

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 11:50

@sunglassesonthetable

Ah, you've lost your nuance!

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 11:50

@Eyerollcentral

No.

Just factual.