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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect him to cancel plans to help me with sick child

103 replies

Jdjdnshshshjc · 12/03/2023 12:18

Me and ex split approx 18 months ago. Was an amicable split and we were coparenting as friends until his new gf arrived on the scene. She did not like us being close and since then things have become very contentious. They will go out of their way to make my life difficult even at the expense of DD.

onto this weekend. DD was up all night being sick, I think we maybe managed to get one hour of sleep. I realised I had no calpol for her in the house, obviously couldn't get any in the middle of the night so planning to get some first thing today.

this morning DD is still being sick so I can't take her out with me to the shop to get some and obviously can't leave her alone. I text ex to ask if he could either come round and be with dd whilst I went to the shop or come over with come calpol.

he essentially said no, he had plans today and he could possibly pop over earliest this afternoon.

also bear in mind I never ask him for help. He sees dd for a couple hours on a Saturday, the last time I asked him for help was in October when I was really sick and he made a massive issue out of it because he had plans then aswell.

aibu I'm expecting him to cancel plans to help out when myself or dd is sick?

OP posts:
SunshineGeorgie · 12/03/2023 12:20

If she's throwing up I wouldn't give calpol!

TomatoSandwiches · 12/03/2023 12:21

Not unreasonable to expect a parent to help get some medication for their child no, but like a pp said if she is vomiting I wouldn't necessarily try to get calpol in her.

Does she have a temperature?

GoldenGorilla · 12/03/2023 12:22

Does she also have a temp? Calpol won’t help with vomiting really.

I understand where you’re coming from but obviously he’s not willing to help in this kind of way, and there’s no way to make him. So I’d plan on the basis of him not being helpful. Do you have other friends/family who could help out?

WakeMeUpInspring · 12/03/2023 12:23

Pointless giving calpol to a throwing up child. Hope she feels better soon.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 12/03/2023 12:23

also bear in mind I never ask him for help. He sees dd for a couple hours on a Saturday, the last time I asked him for help was in October when I was really sick and he made a massive issue out of it because he had plans then aswell.

That's not co-parenting.
That's essentially abandoning his child for 166 hours a week.
He couldn't be arsed to come & see his sick daughter with medicine? What a cunt.

Stop viewing him as a co-parent, because he isn't one - this is all down to you.
I hope you are claiming every penny of maintenance you are entitled to.

xyzandabc · 12/03/2023 12:24

Calpol isn't going to help with sickness. Is she in some kind of pain as well that needs Calpol? If she's only had an hours sleep then chances are she'll be asleep most of the morning. So him bringing some this afternoon would be fine.

It's nearly afternoon now anyway, if you really need it before he can come, do you have any friends/neighbours you could ask if they have some?

BringBackTeletext · 12/03/2023 12:25

I’d ask a friend before I asked my co-parent. If it’s not his weekend, I can’t expect him to be on hand and vice versa.

Original poster
Jdjdnshshshjc · 12/03/2023 12:26

Yes she does have a temperature aswell. I only said about the vommiting only as that was the main reason as to why I wouldn't risk just nipping into the shop with her.
of course I realise it may not work to give her calpol if she's just going to throw it back up again but I wanted to try and get her temp down and make her a bit more comfortable if I could

OP posts:
Vloader23 · 12/03/2023 12:27

Whether you should be giving Calpol is irrelevant to your question really.

To recycle a line regularly used on MN - it wouldn't be 'helping' you, it would be parenting his child.

Unless he lives miles away or it was a very important engagement he had, YANBU.

Alloftheboys · 12/03/2023 12:27

Calpol is pain and fever relief. She’d probably just throw it back up.

Why are you asking him for a shopping errand when anyone else could do it?

Hotvimto3 · 12/03/2023 12:29

Alloftheboys · 12/03/2023 12:27

Calpol is pain and fever relief. She’d probably just throw it back up.

Why are you asking him for a shopping errand when anyone else could do it?

Because he is the dad

monicagellerbing · 12/03/2023 12:29

@Alloftheboys are you serious??? He's her DAD!!! Why the fuck shouldn't he bring his own child medicine when she's ill. Jesus Christ. The bar is so low for men

Original poster
Jdjdnshshshjc · 12/03/2023 12:30

I'm asking him because 1) he's her dad and I feel like as a parent it's his responsibility to help his child before it any one else
2) my mum works at the weekends so is I available
3) my other family lives far away so not doable
4) my friends (who are child free) were out at a show last night and I believe it was a late one so wouldn't really be in a fit state to run an errand for me

OP posts:
Original poster
Jdjdnshshshjc · 12/03/2023 12:31

Sorry for the typos

OP posts:
Hotvimto3 · 12/03/2023 12:35

Im sorry you are having a tough time. I agree with other posters. Hes not stepping up.
I had similar... i was very sick with a kidney infection and asked him to take them to school. He initially agreed then didnt turn up, sending a text accusing me of partying all night and being too hungover to get them to school... as if.
You have to accept the appalling behaviour ONCE. Then never ask again. Hes shown what a dad he is. I don't ask for anything.
Get everything you are entitled to, grieve for the acceptance of the situation and then just rely on yourself only.
Keep medicine in for emergencies or befriend a neighbour.... you would be shocked as how much more people care about you and your child more than the dad.
He should have helped you 💯 but you cant force him and energy spent on disappointments like this that will carry on happening is wasted.
I hope your daughter is better soon, good old ice pops for hydration if she can manage.

I have used deliveroo for calpol and ice pops in the past when the kids are sick and i couldnt leave the house.

Hotvimto3 · 12/03/2023 12:36

monicagellerbing · 12/03/2023 12:29

@Alloftheboys are you serious??? He's her DAD!!! Why the fuck shouldn't he bring his own child medicine when she's ill. Jesus Christ. The bar is so low for men

Isn't it just.

America12 · 12/03/2023 12:40

Alloftheboys · 12/03/2023 12:27

Calpol is pain and fever relief. She’d probably just throw it back up.

Why are you asking him for a shopping errand when anyone else could do it?

He's the child's father Confused

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 12/03/2023 12:48

Some of the responses on here are baffling, ofcourse he should help when his child is sick. Unless physically impossible, likes he's gone abroad on holiday then parents usually drop everything for their poorly children. Having plans today is a cop out. Yes she may bring the calpol back up but ofcourse you're still going to give it in the hope it can bring her temp down. He's a dead beat dad by the sounds of it, putting his new relationship before his parenting duties is sad.

Swiftswatch · 12/03/2023 12:52

I guarantee if it was the dad asking the mother, his ex partner, to drop calpol over to his house as DC was sick everyone would be outraged.

Ponoka7 · 12/03/2023 12:57

The same happened when my DD's ex got a new gf. He's now split and is wondering why the eight year old doesn't want to take daily phone calls etc. The kids eventually work out who's there for them. It's tough going when you are parenting alone, while they are younger, but it isn't forever.

BubziOwl · 12/03/2023 12:57

Swiftswatch · 12/03/2023 12:52

I guarantee if it was the dad asking the mother, his ex partner, to drop calpol over to his house as DC was sick everyone would be outraged.

Absolutely. And rightfully so! I just can't believe anyone thinks that friends of a child's mother should be expected to go out their way before daring to be so bold as to ask the child's father.

Actually, sadly I can believe it. I am just forever grateful that my husband was brought up to hold himself to higher standards than other people seem to hold men to, because I could absolutely not be dealing with this bollocks.

Tbh my parents were divorced and I regard my dad as pretty useless, but I'm positive that even he wouldn't have been quite so useless and uncaring as OP's ex!

RandomMess · 12/03/2023 13:07

You aren't unreasonable to ask and he is unreasonable to not help.

Why does he only have his DC for a few hours? Time he started doing EOW for one night and build a closer relationship with his child.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/03/2023 13:09

Alloftheboys · 12/03/2023 12:27

Calpol is pain and fever relief. She’d probably just throw it back up.

Why are you asking him for a shopping errand when anyone else could do it?

His child needs something. Why is it any one else job?

NewNameNigel · 12/03/2023 13:12

He outright didn't refuse to help he offered to help this afternoon.

There's been plenty of threads where dad's have tried to get mum's to help when kids are sick and the advice tends to be don't help as looking after sick kids is part of parenting and his problem on his contact time. The responses seem different here. I wonder why.

cadburyegg · 12/03/2023 13:12

YANBU

Such is the life of NRPs, they think they can opt out of family life. Or they want to do the fun bits only.

Sounds like my ex tbh. In the past he's kicked up a fuss when I've asked him to look after dc on one of his days off (when preschool was closed due to Covid), this was a no because he needs his rest apparently. When I had Covid I asked him to take the dc to school on his day off, again a no for the same reason.