Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect him to cancel plans to help me with sick child

103 replies

Jdjdnshshshjc · 12/03/2023 12:18

Me and ex split approx 18 months ago. Was an amicable split and we were coparenting as friends until his new gf arrived on the scene. She did not like us being close and since then things have become very contentious. They will go out of their way to make my life difficult even at the expense of DD.

onto this weekend. DD was up all night being sick, I think we maybe managed to get one hour of sleep. I realised I had no calpol for her in the house, obviously couldn't get any in the middle of the night so planning to get some first thing today.

this morning DD is still being sick so I can't take her out with me to the shop to get some and obviously can't leave her alone. I text ex to ask if he could either come round and be with dd whilst I went to the shop or come over with come calpol.

he essentially said no, he had plans today and he could possibly pop over earliest this afternoon.

also bear in mind I never ask him for help. He sees dd for a couple hours on a Saturday, the last time I asked him for help was in October when I was really sick and he made a massive issue out of it because he had plans then aswell.

aibu I'm expecting him to cancel plans to help out when myself or dd is sick?

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 12/03/2023 14:12

@Alloftheboys given that the op has the child virtually all of the time, no, I would imagine for that tiny slice of life she's allowed she might not drop her plans for this, plus he's got a plus one who could pop out. It's not an even split. He has 99.9 % of his time child free to do as he likes, so yes, I would expect him to amend one of those plans.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 12/03/2023 14:13

Alloftheboys · 12/03/2023 14:11

Funny how OP just mentioned child was sick.
Then update saying fever as well. Then update explaining how there no one else in the world that could possibly help.

& why do you choose to find this an outlandish series of events?
Sounds par for the course with single parenting to me.

Okaigh · 12/03/2023 14:13

Together or not he's her Dad and he needs to parent her.

He literally couldn't nip some calpol to his sick child because he had plans? I mean, if he was away I'm another city, or had a flight to catch, or something along these lines where it wasn't at straight forward. But other than that, I cant understand.

Standbyguest · 12/03/2023 14:14

@Alloftheboys did you miss the OP mentioning he is the baby's dad? Why should anyone else do it?

Alloftheboys · 12/03/2023 14:14

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 12/03/2023 14:13

& why do you choose to find this an outlandish series of events?
Sounds par for the course with single parenting to me.

Show quote history

Didn’t say it was outlandish. Just odd that this relevant info wasn’t included in the first post.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 12/03/2023 14:15

Alloftheboys · 12/03/2023 14:14

Didn’t say it was outlandish. Just odd that this relevant info wasn’t included in the first post.

Show quote history

It's not in the least odd. OP isn't appearing as a witness in a trial.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/03/2023 14:17

Alloftheboys · 12/03/2023 14:06

So you’d be happy to cancel your plans when he had her so you could drop off some calpol?

I'd imagine most mothers would do what needs doing to help their child out yes.

TheMainWoman · 12/03/2023 14:17

Ynbu. Of course he should bring his child medicine when she needs it and you can't get it. I be would expect this whether he had already looked after her 24 hours a day every day. It's called having a child.

SparkyBlue · 12/03/2023 14:24

Well you have seen his true colours so now you know what he is really like. I can imagine you are drained and exhausted and just needed a bit of help and empathy from him. I hope your DD is on the mend and if you can get a deliveroo with some treats for yourself and get a takeaway for dinner. Also I'd echo what a PP said that I find suppositories great when there is very high temps and vomiting. They help give a bit of relief.

Abraxan · 12/03/2023 14:32

This is what Deliveroo is perfect for

Delivery is only any use if you live close to a city/town centre.
We live in a city but 4.5-5 miles away. No Deliveroo or UnerEats option here.

aSofaNearYou · 12/03/2023 14:56

Yes YABU. You are not a couple and he is within his rights to keep to his contact schedule, in principle you should not expect him to drop his plans to run errands for you unless it was a real emergency, which this wasn't.

It sounds like he has barely any contact with her in the first place though so YWNBU to feel like he doesn't generally do enough.

Soproudoflionesses · 12/03/2023 15:10

Not RTFT but need more info....my dh's ex lives well over an hour away so for him to have delivered some calpol would have been nearly a 3 hour round trip. He used to have him every weekend but couldn't drop everything to do this unless it was a proper emergency.

Plus sorry but what parent doesn't have calpol in the house? Had some since dd was tiny cos kids get ill. Think that is on you OP .

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 12/03/2023 15:14

Alloftheboys · 12/03/2023 14:06

So you’d be happy to cancel your plans when he had her so you could drop off some calpol?

Tbf if my son was sick at his dads, then I would. My child comes first.

Olive19741205 · 12/03/2023 15:30

So you’d be happy to cancel your plans when he had her so you could drop off *some calpol?

It baffles me how some people are not willing to lift a finger to help people, never mind their OWN children. I would gladly do this for a family member or a neighbour so it goes without saying that I would happily do it for my kids. It's hardly 'cancelling' plans to nip into a chemist and drop of some medicine.

Original poster
Jdjdnshshshjc · 12/03/2023 15:59

"You are not a couple and he is within his rights to keep to his contact schedule, in principle you should not expect him to drop his plans to run errands for you"

this is the attitude that bugs me. Wether we are together or not does not change the fact that he is a parent.
And the view that doing something for his child is the same as doing something for me. If I was asking him to go pick up medicine for myself then yeah I would rightly be told I was out of order. But it isn't for me. It's for his child, and I am sick to death of people who can't understand that doing right by your child is not a favour to the mum.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 12/03/2023 16:16

Jdjdnshshshjc · 12/03/2023 15:59

"You are not a couple and he is within his rights to keep to his contact schedule, in principle you should not expect him to drop his plans to run errands for you"

this is the attitude that bugs me. Wether we are together or not does not change the fact that he is a parent.
And the view that doing something for his child is the same as doing something for me. If I was asking him to go pick up medicine for myself then yeah I would rightly be told I was out of order. But it isn't for me. It's for his child, and I am sick to death of people who can't understand that doing right by your child is not a favour to the mum.

It's not about whether it's a favour for you or not - it's about the fact that separated parents have a contact schedule, and during the time they have their kids they will have to be solely responsible, whilst the time they are NOT scheduled to be there, they can make other plans.

If he were free and lives locally, it would be good of him to help you out in a bit of a scrape. But if he has plans, YABU to expect him to drop them, unless it's a major issue like hospitalisation.

You are in for a world of issues if you can't respect him having plans.

PaigeMatthews · 12/03/2023 16:24

Alloftheboys · 12/03/2023 14:06

So you’d be happy to cancel your plans when he had her so you could drop off some calpol?

You wouldnt be happy to cancel your plans to take medicine to your sick child?

Nanny0gg · 12/03/2023 16:24

aSofaNearYou · 12/03/2023 16:16

It's not about whether it's a favour for you or not - it's about the fact that separated parents have a contact schedule, and during the time they have their kids they will have to be solely responsible, whilst the time they are NOT scheduled to be there, they can make other plans.

If he were free and lives locally, it would be good of him to help you out in a bit of a scrape. But if he has plans, YABU to expect him to drop them, unless it's a major issue like hospitalisation.

You are in for a world of issues if you can't respect him having plans.

Show quote history

2 hours a week hardly amounts to a 'contact schedule'

What a waste of space.

@Jdjdnshshshjc does he pay maintenance?

SparkyBlue · 12/03/2023 16:41

Olive19741205 · 12/03/2023 15:30

So you’d be happy to cancel your plans when he had her so you could drop off *some calpol?

It baffles me how some people are not willing to lift a finger to help people, never mind their OWN children. I would gladly do this for a family member or a neighbour so it goes without saying that I would happily do it for my kids. It's hardly 'cancelling' plans to nip into a chemist and drop of some medicine.

Absolutely this. A few months ago I was getting a breath of air quite early on a Sunday morning with sick DD in my arms (temps and vomiting) when my neighbour on his way to a Sunday morning football match shouted over to ask did I need anything from tesco or pharmacy he could stop on the way back. As it turns out I didn't need anything but it was kind of him to ask. Any normal person would offer to help out . If you've had a child yourself you know sickness springs up out of nowhere and catches you unawares

Original poster
Jdjdnshshshjc · 12/03/2023 16:44

aSofaNearYou I respect him having plans and as I said the only other time I have asked him to help out was when I was sick 5 months ago.
I understand contact time but you don't stop being a parent just because it isn't your contact time. Yeah absolutely go ahead and make plans and do whatever but if my child needed something I would drop that to get them what they needed. It's crazy to me that there are people who would not do this for their child.

OP posts:
Postapocalypticcowgirl · 12/03/2023 16:48

aSofaNearYou · 12/03/2023 16:16

It's not about whether it's a favour for you or not - it's about the fact that separated parents have a contact schedule, and during the time they have their kids they will have to be solely responsible, whilst the time they are NOT scheduled to be there, they can make other plans.

If he were free and lives locally, it would be good of him to help you out in a bit of a scrape. But if he has plans, YABU to expect him to drop them, unless it's a major issue like hospitalisation.

You are in for a world of issues if you can't respect him having plans.

Show quote history

Okay, but take this to its extreme- say a child is at school, and the resident parent is, I don't know, in a car crash, and cannot look after them that night. Like a really serious emergency, they will not be there.

And so the school rings the other parent and says "we've been told X has been in a car crash, can you come and pick up your child?"

What sort of reasonable parent would say no? Surely in that situation you'd want your child with you?

Donnashair · 12/03/2023 16:49

Op you aren’t co parenting with him.

Why does he see the child so little?

aSofaNearYou · 12/03/2023 16:49

Jdjdnshshshjc · 12/03/2023 16:44

aSofaNearYou I respect him having plans and as I said the only other time I have asked him to help out was when I was sick 5 months ago.
I understand contact time but you don't stop being a parent just because it isn't your contact time. Yeah absolutely go ahead and make plans and do whatever but if my child needed something I would drop that to get them what they needed. It's crazy to me that there are people who would not do this for their child.

Put it this way, if my DP (who I am still with) had plans with a friend and was off out, I wouldn't ask him not to go just so he could bring me calpol for a stomach bug (not even that likely to be useful). If I had to take DC to A&E, I would expect him to cancel his plans then, yes. But even in together families, you don't always expect each other to drop everything to do something for the kids.

I'm not saying you do it all the time. But on this occasion, yes, YABU to expect him to cancel his plans for such a small thing. And the "you don't stop being a parent" argument is very manipulative in this context.

Eyerollcentral · 12/03/2023 16:50

Jdjdnshshshjc · 12/03/2023 16:44

aSofaNearYou I respect him having plans and as I said the only other time I have asked him to help out was when I was sick 5 months ago.
I understand contact time but you don't stop being a parent just because it isn't your contact time. Yeah absolutely go ahead and make plans and do whatever but if my child needed something I would drop that to get them what they needed. It's crazy to me that there are people who would not do this for their child.

Tbf he did say he could come round this afternoon. I can understand your frustration but if he has other plans he has other plans. As others have said if your daughter is vomiting she isn’t likely to keep it down. Thankfully it doesn’t sound like the little one is very ill, so calpol this afternoon will be fine. Did you get him to drop it round or just tell him to stuff it?

aSofaNearYou · 12/03/2023 16:51

@Postapocalypticcowgirl I specifically said "unless it's a major issue", which a car accident obviously would be.