AIBU to expect him to cancel plans to help me with sick child

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Me and ex split approx 18 months ago. Was an amicable split and we were coparenting as friends until his new gf arrived on the scene. She did not like us being close and since then things have become very contentious. They will go out of their way to make my life difficult even at the expense of DD.

onto this weekend. DD was up all night being sick, I think we maybe managed to get one hour of sleep. I realised I had no calpol for her in the house, obviously couldn't get any in the middle of the night so planning to get some first thing today.

this morning DD is still being sick so I can't take her out with me to the shop to get some and obviously can't leave her alone. I text ex to ask if he could either come round and be with dd whilst I went to the shop or come over with come calpol.

he essentially said no, he had plans today and he could possibly pop over earliest this afternoon.

also bear in mind I never ask him for help. He sees dd for a couple hours on a Saturday, the last time I asked him for help was in October when I was really sick and he made a massive issue out of it because he had plans then aswell.

aibu I'm expecting him to cancel plans to help out when myself or dd is sick?

If she actually needed calpol I'd agree that he was being a dick, but you didn't as your child is vomiting.

I don't see why he needs to cancel his plans to help out with a sick child who only needs one adult there to help her.

That's right - they're no longer a couple.
When did that stop him from having any parental responsibility (or even just giving a shit & wanting to help his child feel better) bar 2 hours a fucking week?

aSofaNearYou So if your DP was on the way out and one of your kids unexpectedly came down with something he wouldn't spare some time to see if he could lend a hand before he left? I personally think that's really selfish.

to be clear I wasn't asking him to wipe his whole day free, I just wanted him to stop by with some calpol or give me ten minutes to go and grab some. Not a task that would have taken all day. I also messaged at like 6am (as I'd been up all night with dd anyway) so he would have seen the message when he woke up. Again, not like I'm messaging in the middle of the day when he may be in the middle of something.

If he could do that before his plans were supposed to happen, yes, but he might have had a specific time he had to be there, in which case no. It obviously depends if this would have genuinely stopped him from doing his plans, as he said it would. If it would, then he wasn't unreasonable to refuse. It's more likely that going to help someone you don't live with will ruin your plans, than helping out when you live there.

Your ex said he might be able to be there in the early afternoon, so presumably his plans were in the morning if they'd have been done by then.

Imo many men who have contact hours feel that's the only window of parenthood for them. They are happy to leave the rest to the dm. Every single shitty, pukey minute... Your dd will know as she grows up op who her actual parent is and who is really there for her... It won't be your fault when her relationship with her df is crap.

That's right - they're no longer a couple.
When did that stop him from having any parental responsibility (or even just giving a shit & wanting to help his child feel better) bar 2 hours a fucking week?

For me, the issue is that he doesn't see her enough, not that he wouldn't cancel existing plans to help out when he wasn't scheduled to. 2 hours isn't enough, agreed. But that doesn't mean I think people should expect their exes to cancel their plans over something like this.

aSofaNearYou I don't know what the plans were tbh. I don't know if it was a general plan, like he was going out or something booked for a specific time so I can't say wether it would have been convenient for him to do or not. However if I'm honest I don't really believe there were plans at 8am on Sunday (the time he replied to me) but maybe I am just sceptical because of past behaviour. E.g. if DD wants to talk to him he won't take the call because he's busy except this happens over and over again. He basically just cba

Here here OP 👏🏻👏🏻.
And , of course he in his “rights” to do exactly as he pleases. Still makes him a deadbeat dad, and a crappy human.

But did you get it to drop it round or not? He said he could do it this afternoon. If you cut your nose off to spite your face I don’t know what you want tbh

Er sorry manipulative how? It’s merely stating a fact.
Also, your situation would not even be remotely comparable, given that a) you are not a single parent and b) your DP presumably participates in the care of his child more than 2% of the week,

She wants him to deliver the medicine when it’s needed by her child, not when it suits him.

Well there's clearly wider issues with him then, if he generally CBA. That was fairly clear from his extremely small amount of actual contact time with her.

But on the surface of it, I do still believe it is unreasonable (and a coparenting slippery slope) to expect your ex to drop their plans for minor things like this and apply guilt trips about still being a parent when they don't have them if they say no.

no I didn't get him to drop it round. I ordered it on ubereats as a nice poster early in the thread suggested. And before you all pile on, I didn't know I'd be able to order it online before I asked him

If the child is still ill surely she still needed it in the afternoon, no?

aSofaNearYou Just to clear up I didn't guilt trip him at all. I just said okay I'll sort it out and nothing further. And then came on here to have a rant

Er sorry manipulative how? It’s merely stating a fact.
Also, your situation would not even be remotely comparable, given that a) you are not a single parent and b) your DP presumably participates in the care of his child more than 2% of the week

In a normal, functional coparenting relationship where both parents care for their children a reasonable amount of time, I do believe it is manipulative to try and imply that your ex does not care about their children, if they don't drop plans they've made when they aren't scheduled to have them, to do something you deem more important, but which is not objectively urgent. As others have said, wanting calpol for a child who doesn't even have the kind of illness calpol is useful for, falls into this category.

Obviously in this case, the dad doesn't have them a reasonable amount of time, which makes his unwillingness to help more frustrating. But that isn't what OP asked, and I'm focusing on the question at hand.

So you got the calpol (great tip as well btw from that poster, total life saver), at least you know there is an option in future. If you think he is unreliable in general that’s a different matter. Maybe he is busy when your daughter wants to FaceTime though? Have you thought or tried to set up times to FaceTime with him so you can tell your daughter daddy can’t do it now but we’re FaceTiming with him at 6pm or whenever? I don’t mean to sound like an arse because you’ve been up all night with a vomiting child which is just absolutely horrible but we don’t know if he is saying he is busy because he is at work, at the gym or just lying on his backside and genuinely cannot be bothered. If you think he isn’t the best then save yourself the hassle and upset and try to pin down times he will be available for your daughter, save you both the frustration. No you shouldn’t have to but presumably you know what way he is by now and he’s unlikely to change

I have tried a schedule - he has said this is just me trying to be controlling and he won't do it.
I've also tried to be flexible, like calling when dd wants to chat to him - this doesn't work either and again he says it's me being controlling of his free time.

essentially he wants to pick and choose when he's a dad and if things aren't 100% on his terms then he won't cooperate.

seems obvious that with this he would not have helped this morning wether he had plans or not but when your sleep deprived, with a sick child I was hopeful he would not be an arse for once.

I'm with you in this. My DH and his parents think everything they ever do for our DC is a favour for me. Makes me sick.

I can't believe the amount of people trying to excuse this?! I'm assuming he lives fairly near, what sort of a shit won't delay the start of his day by half an hour to drop medicine off for his kid?!

You wouldn't be out of order if the medicine was for you! You are the mother of his child and taking care of the child.

As others have said the bar for men is so low.

Bloody bell no wonder men can walk off without a second glance when women are only to pleased to offer excuses!

If I'd heard that my DS was vomiting I'd be straight round - plans or not. Of course you ask the dad - they're the parent FGS!!

It's awful he's not stepping up to the parenting. How long does it take to boo to the chemist and drop it round.

He's a shit father. I remember early on dating my DP and he phoned me late one night to ask if i had a digital thermometer as his ex wife was worried about their daughter having a temp and had asked if he had one to borrow. He didn't so he asked me and I did. he drove 6 miles to me to pick it up, then delivered it along with the extra calpol I had for her. Wouldn't expect him to do less.

Same summer, exW bathroom was leaking and he spent some of his hols around there fitting a new one. She bought it, he fitted it and disposed of old one etc. At first i thought it was a bit weird but then he pointed out that exW does most of the looking after his child and he appreciates it and looking after the ex marital home is looking after his kids so he's glad to do it. (Daughter was a teen and although she likes to see Dad, she didn't want sleep overs et, just lifts and catch ups suited her better).

Kids are now adults but he still pops around to sort out her DIY and help his son with home building projects. They are his family still, I admire him for it.

This.

A couple of hours contact does not a parent make.

A father who prioritises himself/his plans over his sick child is a deadbeat who will reap what he sows when the child is older.

I don't see why he needs to cancel his plans to help out with a sick child who only needs one adult there to help her.

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