Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect him to cancel plans to help me with sick child

103 replies

Jdjdnshshshjc · 12/03/2023 12:18

Me and ex split approx 18 months ago. Was an amicable split and we were coparenting as friends until his new gf arrived on the scene. She did not like us being close and since then things have become very contentious. They will go out of their way to make my life difficult even at the expense of DD.

onto this weekend. DD was up all night being sick, I think we maybe managed to get one hour of sleep. I realised I had no calpol for her in the house, obviously couldn't get any in the middle of the night so planning to get some first thing today.

this morning DD is still being sick so I can't take her out with me to the shop to get some and obviously can't leave her alone. I text ex to ask if he could either come round and be with dd whilst I went to the shop or come over with come calpol.

he essentially said no, he had plans today and he could possibly pop over earliest this afternoon.

also bear in mind I never ask him for help. He sees dd for a couple hours on a Saturday, the last time I asked him for help was in October when I was really sick and he made a massive issue out of it because he had plans then aswell.

aibu I'm expecting him to cancel plans to help out when myself or dd is sick?

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 12/03/2023 13:12

This is what Deliveroo is perfect for.

Yes, dad should get it but if he can't there are services to help now even if they come at a cost.

In future make sure you are well stocked up with medicine, UHT milk and tinned food or freezer stuff you can turn into a meal. It's an absolute nightmare being stuck on your own with a sick child.

MissLucyLiu · 12/03/2023 13:13

Have you tried to involve the new girlfriend? Since you guys broke up amicably what will realllly work in your favour is you try to show her you present 0 threat. So she won’t be controlling him. In fact a decent woman he’s dating prob even offer to help you. But you have to play this game a bit. Another woman’s suspicion would be you are constantly using your kids to bait him back to have tighter grip on him. So to combat that is to actually involve her in the conversations.

cadburyegg · 12/03/2023 13:13

That should say the life of some NRPs, I realise not all are the same

MissLucyLiu · 12/03/2023 13:14

Obviously it’s not your job! He’s the dad he should have the two brain cells to want to do this on his own! But all I am saying is you got to be smarter than them!

Eaterofcheese · 12/03/2023 13:21

MissLucyLiu · 12/03/2023 13:13

Have you tried to involve the new girlfriend? Since you guys broke up amicably what will realllly work in your favour is you try to show her you present 0 threat. So she won’t be controlling him. In fact a decent woman he’s dating prob even offer to help you. But you have to play this game a bit. Another woman’s suspicion would be you are constantly using your kids to bait him back to have tighter grip on him. So to combat that is to actually involve her in the conversations.

Don't do this.

I would be really pissed off if dp's ex contacted me unless it was an actual emergency. This is just needing some calpol.

Coffeepot72 · 12/03/2023 13:24

Another woman’s suspicion would be you are constantly using your kids to bait him back to have tighter grip on him.

I also wondered about this

Bunnyishotandcross · 12/03/2023 13:30

Yabu to expect a cunt not to act like a cunt...

Original poster
Jdjdnshshshjc · 12/03/2023 13:32

"Another woman’s suspicion would be you are constantly using your kids to bait him back to have tighter grip on him.

I also wondered about this"

obviously I am biased but no I don't do this. As I said the last time I asked him for help with our child was in October. I don't wish to go into detail but I was sick and was in a serious amount of pain and genuinely needed the help. But that was five months ago, I have not used our child to try and get close to him. If anything I have been trying to build more distance as I see him for what he is and I find it very difficult to be around him.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 12/03/2023 13:33

NewNameNigel · 12/03/2023 13:12

He outright didn't refuse to help he offered to help this afternoon.

There's been plenty of threads where dad's have tried to get mum's to help when kids are sick and the advice tends to be don't help as looking after sick kids is part of parenting and his problem on his contact time. The responses seem different here. I wonder why.

It's not really the same situation. Looking after sick kids is part of parenting, and OP is looking after the kid. She wasn't asking the dad to come and take over because she couldn't manage or the child wanted him etc (which is what a lot of the NRP threads seem to be about - "she's sick, she just wants her mum, why can't you take her" etc). The OP had a valid reason why she couldn't get the Calpol herself and she asked for some to be dropped off. It's a favour you could ask of anyone, yes, but if nobody is available without some plans being affected, it's more reasonable to expect a father to alter his plans than anyone else.

billy1966 · 12/03/2023 13:33

Hotvimto3 · 12/03/2023 12:35

Im sorry you are having a tough time. I agree with other posters. Hes not stepping up.
I had similar... i was very sick with a kidney infection and asked him to take them to school. He initially agreed then didnt turn up, sending a text accusing me of partying all night and being too hungover to get them to school... as if.
You have to accept the appalling behaviour ONCE. Then never ask again. Hes shown what a dad he is. I don't ask for anything.
Get everything you are entitled to, grieve for the acceptance of the situation and then just rely on yourself only.
Keep medicine in for emergencies or befriend a neighbour.... you would be shocked as how much more people care about you and your child more than the dad.
He should have helped you 💯 but you cant force him and energy spent on disappointments like this that will carry on happening is wasted.
I hope your daughter is better soon, good old ice pops for hydration if she can manage.

I have used deliveroo for calpol and ice pops in the past when the kids are sick and i couldnt leave the house.

Excellent advice.

He's a selfish waster.

Hope she feels better soon.

Pastadanca · 12/03/2023 13:37

Of course he should, unfortunately though you can't force someone who doesn't want to to be a more active parent.

pinkyredrose · 12/03/2023 13:40

Online delivery, you could have it in less than an hour depending where you live.

MavisBeacon1234 · 12/03/2023 13:40

MissLucyLiu · 12/03/2023 13:13

Have you tried to involve the new girlfriend? Since you guys broke up amicably what will realllly work in your favour is you try to show her you present 0 threat. So she won’t be controlling him. In fact a decent woman he’s dating prob even offer to help you. But you have to play this game a bit. Another woman’s suspicion would be you are constantly using your kids to bait him back to have tighter grip on him. So to combat that is to actually involve her in the conversations.

I don't get this. Why would his GF want or need to help her out? You have no idea if the GF has met the child and/or how the OP has acted towards her ex and his GF.

MissLucyLiu · 12/03/2023 13:40

Of course. Not suggesting you are. Please don’t take it the wrong way. But all I am saying insecure woman are suspicious and even if they are wrong to suspect it it just makes life more difficult for you.
I am wondering why he feels he cannot come until afternoon?
So I’ve seen one of my friend who’s an absolute genius managed to pull the heart strings of the new gf and now she’s the one who’s suggesting their dad need to see the kid more and encouraging it etc.

Tandora · 12/03/2023 13:41

NewNameNigel · 12/03/2023 13:12

He outright didn't refuse to help he offered to help this afternoon.

There's been plenty of threads where dad's have tried to get mum's to help when kids are sick and the advice tends to be don't help as looking after sick kids is part of parenting and his problem on his contact time. The responses seem different here. I wonder why.

Errrrrrr maybe because OP looks after their child 98% of the week?

Theunamedcat · 12/03/2023 13:43

I remember when my daughter had chicken pox I had zero supplies zero help despite having grandparents who could drive a so called father who whined I was stopping access and promptly let her down etc etc I wrapped dd up around 2am took her (in the pushchair because i couldnt drive) to the 24 hour tesco played dodge the human used the self checkout to pay I was fuming my ex refused to help my own mother refused to help so I learned to do it myself

Ultimately you may have to also

Theunamedcat · 12/03/2023 13:46

NewNameNigel · 12/03/2023 13:12

He outright didn't refuse to help he offered to help this afternoon.

There's been plenty of threads where dad's have tried to get mum's to help when kids are sick and the advice tends to be don't help as looking after sick kids is part of parenting and his problem on his contact time. The responses seem different here. I wonder why.

Not quite

Most threads are about dad's trying to offload sick kids back onto mum this one is asking for some calpol or him to watch her for an hour or so, so she can go get the calpol

Don't you see the difference?

IWineAndDontDine · 12/03/2023 13:47

"Co parent"? Babysitter at best

LookItsMeAgain · 12/03/2023 13:49

Can I recommend that when you can, get some suppositories which can help bring the temperature down but can't be vomited back up so have the best chance at getting the temp down and keeping it down?

nurofen.ie/products/children/nurofen-for-children-60mg-suppositories-age-3-months-to-2-years/

I agree though that he isn't co-parenting. A co-parent is one who is there for their child no matter what. This isn't what is happening here.

Singleandproud · 12/03/2023 13:49

On a practical note, wrap DC up if they use a pram put then in there with a towel around them and whatever you use as a sick bucket lined with a carrier bag. Put the rain cover over the buggy and zip around that shop ASAP. Needs must sometimes.

neilyoungismyhero · 12/03/2023 14:02

Alloftheboys · 12/03/2023 12:27

Calpol is pain and fever relief. She’d probably just throw it back up.

Why are you asking him for a shopping errand when anyone else could do it?

Pretty sure if she had someone else she would ask them instead of the loser dad who can't be arsed to bring his child medication.

Alloftheboys · 12/03/2023 14:06

So you’d be happy to cancel your plans when he had her so you could drop off some calpol?

Hevviie · 12/03/2023 14:09

Alloftheboys · 12/03/2023 14:06

So you’d be happy to cancel your plans when he had her so you could drop off some calpol?

I don't want to speak for the OP but if it was my ex asking for help with my sick daughter I would be round there asap. It's not just about calpol - your daughter is ill - would you not want to be there, comfort her, make sure she's ok? I couldn't imagine just going ahead with nice Sunday plans and ignoring her.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 12/03/2023 14:10

Alloftheboys · 12/03/2023 14:06

So you’d be happy to cancel your plans when he had her so you could drop off some calpol?

Sure she would, the maximum timescale for this to occur on HIS watch is 2 hours a week.

Alloftheboys · 12/03/2023 14:11

Funny how OP just mentioned child was sick.
Then update saying fever as well. Then update explaining how there no one else in the world that could possibly help.