to ask dh to take all 4 kids out?

[Sertralina]

We have 4 kids all very young still.

He goes away for work a few times a year for a week. On his "work" trips he also takes the opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out (all paid for on expenses). I'm 100% fine with this. If I was working and had the opportunity I'd dot the same, and I'd rather he got it out his system. Although it IS technically work it's also a really nice time, usually his work have paid for some fancy events and parties as well so he often gets a posh hotel and nice dinners etc.

HOWEVER I am at home alone with 4 kids, it's hard work and by the time he's home I'm knackered and running on empty. He usually arrives home on a Saturday.

AIBU to expect him to at least take the kids out on the Sunday so I get a break, and for him to put his needs second today?

I've asked him (a week ago) to take them all out today and let me have a day off. He replied with "yeh I'll take them to park for a couple hours" to which I said um no, take them somewhere for the whole day. I want a full day off. If I can have them all for a week on my own he can surely manage 1 single day. Its 11am and although he has reluctantly agreed, he's now decided he's taking a shower. So then the kids will need lunch....so they won't be leaving till this afternoon.

Surely it's not so much to ask for him to of got them up and out this morning so I can have a proper break. I've not showered since the night before he left...but he's been in a hotel on his own for a week and presumably had a nice relaxing shower daily....I just feel very resentful that I'm sat looking after the kids while he has another shower so he can finally go out with the children, presumable after I've made everyone lunch.

AIBU to expect more of him and to be angry about this?

Honestly if a break and time alone is a priority for either one of you (totally reasonable) I honestly don't know what you were expecting having 4 kids!! I wouldn't be thrilled at the thought of being forced to take 4 kids out by myself.

Nothing to do with it being a man. You say it is too rainy and cold for you to be out but you want your husband and kids out in the rain and cold for the entire day. I would feel the same if a man came and said he wants his wife to disappear with the children for the entire day into the rain and cold so he can relax at home.

I agree you should go out. He could take them out for a couple hours in the morning and you can shower in peace then but to expect him to entertain little kids out in the rain and cold all day sounds absolutely miserable.

I think too the idea that work and work trips are a vacation and that there is no stress in working is off base. He isn't holidaying, he is I assume working to ear money for you all to live on and to ensure you have a roof and food and heat and clothes and basic needs met. I don't know many people who feel going to work or on work trips is a vacation.

Should you get a break - yes. Should you dictate who is or isn't allowed to in their own home - no.

6 hours me time alone in the house is a bit much to ask. I never get that and nor does my husband. When we are not working/commuting we are at home and the kids are there. We do take them out sometimes together and sometimes separately so each other has a short break of approx 2 hours max though often we've got a child each. It's just family life. If you want 6 solid hours of me time don't have kids!

Can you not go out yourself?

If this isn’t a regular thing and finances can stretch I’d get yourself booked into a hotel and have a proper break.

But It’s unfair they have to be out all day when you could go out yourself.

He should absolutely be giving you a break and he should be taking them out regularly but I think you are BU to want them out all day.

So around 3/4% of the year alone is a big ask…wow I’d hate a life like that

@Sertralina

why don’t u just go out op?

get your nails done, go for a nice lunch, find a nice bar and have a few wines or cocktails- ideal!

So what if the kids watch telly?!

i suspect some posters have never travelled with work and equate going abroad with a holiday. I used to do it. A “jolly” it was certainly not. My mil used to bleat on about how “lucky” I was 🙄 was basically in back to back incredibly stressful and aggressive negotiations on my own.

If the kids are really young then taking 4 out all day is quite a task.

But not apparently for Mothers!!!!!!!

OP doesn't do this though. She drops two of them off at school. We don't actually know any ages, so one might be in nursery as well. She doesn't take 4 children out for the day. Two max.

Men are definitely capable of doing it but if he's never done it before, it will be a big jump.

Did he do it when you had 2 or 3 children?

I think experiences are different, I did used to travel for various meetings/negotiations for work but many (not all) were jolly’s..4 hours of work the rest for us to enjoy as we saw fit which mainly involved eating, drinking & socialising at the expense of the business. I went to SA once & spent 30 mins with a client & 16 hours doing what I liked

"I've not showered since the night before he left"

A week?! Why the fuck not?

Weekends?

She doesn't need to kick everyone out for six hours to get a break, though.

She can book a hotel for the night, have a spa day, go and see some friends for brunch/shopping, go and see her family etc.

I get that she wants to just "be" in her own home but I don't think that's especially realistic when you have four small children.

She’s not kicking anyone out, just wants some p&q for a few hours. He had plenty of notice. Frankly I don’t understand why any partner wouldn’t want to give a full time parent a break, it’s ridiculously selfish

OP thinks being in paid employment in order to support 6 people is a break. That's what her DH gets. A break from the children, with his job.

Therefore she should have no problem getting a job on a Sunday. After all, that's the "break" DH has that she believes is so unfair on her part.

OP, why not purpose that he quit his job and become the SAHP, and that you in turn will get a job and provide the family income? Surely, I think that you perceive the value of your current contribution to be equal to or even greater than his financial contribution

This role reversal will put him in charge of home and child management , and you will gain the benefit of time out of the home and work related travel.

It could definitely be a win-win for you.

This thread should be a sticky, so we can bring it up any time someone ponders expanding their family. DH used to babble about wanting 3, and now refuses to admit it. Luckily I put my foot down.

OP, another solution would be to pay for a child minder or a cleaning service to help out on those 4 weeks a year when he has work related travel

No they wouldn't. They would be asking op why she can't possible take her kids out for the day to give her DH a break. Because women on here love to tear down other women. If the roles were reversed the woman would be blasted. And you know it.

And she can have her peace and quiet. But it's unfair to tell the other five members of the household that they have to stay out all day in order to enable that.

Having four small children isn't really conducive to having the house to yourself for six hours straight. If I was that desperate for some time out, I'd take myself off for the day instead - even if all I did was book a hotel room and sleep.

Yes, I appreciate that and acknowledged the fact in my post. My point is that op’s dh may be willing to take the dcs out if there’s an agreed plan.

It’s far easier if he knows what to do and is guided through it. He hasn’t had all 4 out together, so instead of berating him, it would be more conducive to create an achievable plan with incremental steps and the goal of being out all day. Next week lunch and soft play with a second pair of hands, the following time a trip to the park with a picnic and walk. Another time, trip to some local organised school holiday event etc and slowly building to the amount of time op would like to be alone… but bearing in mind, it cannot be religiously adhered to. Kids get ill, grouchy etc and need to go home.

Op is an expert with the kids as she does it daily. He does not and works away some of the time so his skill set remains elsewhere. Agreeing a plan of action and guidance on executing the plan will help him to build his confidence and parenting skills.

In response to the comments on op’s username, I noticed.

Yes that’s true, however I still don’t understand why her husband wouldn’t appreciate that she needs a bit of time for herself after notice, it’s actually quite sad for her that she has to ask for it