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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask dh to take all 4 kids out?

377 replies

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:15

We have 4 kids all very young still.

He goes away for work a few times a year for a week. On his "work" trips he also takes the opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out (all paid for on expenses). I'm 100% fine with this. If I was working and had the opportunity I'd dot the same, and I'd rather he got it out his system. Although it IS technically work it's also a really nice time, usually his work have paid for some fancy events and parties as well so he often gets a posh hotel and nice dinners etc.

HOWEVER I am at home alone with 4 kids, it's hard work and by the time he's home I'm knackered and running on empty. He usually arrives home on a Saturday.

AIBU to expect him to at least take the kids out on the Sunday so I get a break, and for him to put his needs second today?

I've asked him (a week ago) to take them all out today and let me have a day off. He replied with "yeh I'll take them to park for a couple hours" to which I said um no, take them somewhere for the whole day. I want a full day off. If I can have them all for a week on my own he can surely manage 1 single day. Its 11am and although he has reluctantly agreed, he's now decided he's taking a shower. So then the kids will need lunch....so they won't be leaving till this afternoon.

Surely it's not so much to ask for him to of got them up and out this morning so I can have a proper break. I've not showered since the night before he left...but he's been in a hotel on his own for a week and presumably had a nice relaxing shower daily....I just feel very resentful that I'm sat looking after the kids while he has another shower so he can finally go out with the children, presumable after I've made everyone lunch.

AIBU to expect more of him and to be angry about this?

OP posts:
BansheeofInisherin · 12/03/2023 14:58

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/03/2023 14:56

Yes, I appreciate that and acknowledged the fact in my post. My point is that op’s dh may be willing to take the dcs out if there’s an agreed plan.

It’s far easier if he knows what to do and is guided through it. He hasn’t had all 4 out together, so instead of berating him, it would be more conducive to create an achievable plan with incremental steps and the goal of being out all day. Next week lunch and soft play with a second pair of hands, the following time a trip to the park with a picnic and walk. Another time, trip to some local organised school holiday event etc and slowly building to the amount of time op would like to be alone… but bearing in mind, it cannot be religiously adhered to. Kids get ill, grouchy etc and need to go home.

Op is an expert with the kids as she does it daily. He does not and works away some of the time so his skill set remains elsewhere. Agreeing a plan of action and guidance on executing the plan will help him to build his confidence and parenting skills.

Show quote history

If I were the OP's DH, and the OP had not had a shower for a week, I would have taken the kids to the obliging family mentioned for lunch and a play, without being asked. At least this week. Easy, and presumably family wants to see them too.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 15:05

LuAb76 · 12/03/2023 14:58

Yes that’s true, however I still don’t understand why her husband wouldn’t appreciate that she needs a bit of time for herself after notice, it’s actually quite sad for her that she has to ask for it

Show quote history

Her objection is solely that he won't take all four children out for the day - not that he won't let her have any time for herself, though.

He also said he was happy to take them to the park for a couple of hours, but that he wasn't keen on keeping all four of them entertained out of the house on a cold, rainy Sunday in March - I think that's pretty understandable, which is why I said OP probably needs to compromise.

At the end of the day, unless you can afford to pay for childcare, having four small children means nobody is ever really going get a good chunk of genuine alone time in the house. That's just the way it is for a few years for many people. Four kids is a lot of work and it's expensive to take them out and entertain them all day.

So, realistically, maybe OP needs to accept that, until the DC are a bit older, she'll need to recharge out of the house. It might not be her preference, but it's a hell of a lot better than no alone time at all.

LuAb76 · 12/03/2023 15:07

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 15:05

Her objection is solely that he won't take all four children out for the day - not that he won't let her have any time for herself, though.

He also said he was happy to take them to the park for a couple of hours, but that he wasn't keen on keeping all four of them entertained out of the house on a cold, rainy Sunday in March - I think that's pretty understandable, which is why I said OP probably needs to compromise.

At the end of the day, unless you can afford to pay for childcare, having four small children means nobody is ever really going get a good chunk of genuine alone time in the house. That's just the way it is for a few years for many people. Four kids is a lot of work and it's expensive to take them out and entertain them all day.

So, realistically, maybe OP needs to accept that, until the DC are a bit older, she'll need to recharge out of the house. It might not be her preference, but it's a hell of a lot better than no alone time at all.

Show quote history

It’s the same thing

Mitsahne · 12/03/2023 15:08

I barely get alone time with two kids and neither does dh. Expecting alone time with four kids was probably unrealistic.

wingingit1987 · 12/03/2023 15:31

I have 5 children aged 8,6,4,2 and a newborn. I genuinely can’t understand how why you haven’t showered all week?? I manage a shower daily without my husband needing to be here or taking the kids out.
In terms of taking them out- I don’t really see why they need taken out all day. It would be nice for the kids for him to take them to the park/softplay maybe but I don’t think it would need to be an all day affair. Could you even go out for a few hours to give yourself a break? Or go for a nap/bath?
My husband is looking after our lot while I lie in a bath just now for example. The kids don’t need to leave the house for it.

Popatop · 12/03/2023 15:35

The people here saying if you want some peace in your own home don’t have kids! My god. How is it unreasonable for someone to expect the other parent of their children to take them for the odd day out?! I’m sure the op takes them all out (probably daily) and manages why on earth shouldnt their other parent do the same!?

TwinsAndTiramisu · 12/03/2023 15:39

Popatop · 12/03/2023 15:35

The people here saying if you want some peace in your own home don’t have kids! My god. How is it unreasonable for someone to expect the other parent of their children to take them for the odd day out?! I’m sure the op takes them all out (probably daily) and manages why on earth shouldnt their other parent do the same!?

No, at least two are in full time education. We don't know if the other two are in nursery at all.

So she only has two during the day, max.

REignbow · 12/03/2023 15:41

@Sertralina I get it completely!

My DH regularly travels for work and although working he gets to socialise etc.

Everyone saying that you should just go out may not realise that you are probably very tired and just want to potter at home to recharge.

When my DH gets back from a trip he knows and has the sense to realise that when he’s away it puts more pressure with me. So he’ll get back and take our DC out.

Your DH has no excuse. Soft play, Macdonalds, park or visiting relatives. It’s really not that difficult!

Justmeandthedog1 · 12/03/2023 15:45

I’d have gone last night.
Budget version: Pack a cool bag with snack food you like, add wine or whatever you like instead. Face packs, hair pack, nice smellies. Go to Travelodge. Run deep bath as often as you like, check out isn’t til 12 noon, so you can lie in, watch tv. Then you take yourself shopping or to the cinema.
Luxury version. Posher hotel, room service meal. Choose hotel with pool, sauna, spa and get some treatments.

TheChoiceIsYours · 12/03/2023 15:48

Sorry but at the point that it’s such a big deal for either of you to manage all your kids (you haven’t showered for a WEEK?!) it’s the point you have had too many children. I know you can’t give them back now, but it’s beyond me why anyone has four children and then is surprised when life is chaotic and miserable and no one has a second to themselves. Not sure what the answer is really. Yes your husband could take them all out but I personally am not sure I would feel safe in charge of four kids solo out and about. Isn’t that over safe childcare ratios in a paid setting?! I can see why he’s reluctant but honestly, why did he have four kids?!

TwinsAndTiramisu · 12/03/2023 15:50

REignbow · 12/03/2023 15:41

@Sertralina I get it completely!

My DH regularly travels for work and although working he gets to socialise etc.

Everyone saying that you should just go out may not realise that you are probably very tired and just want to potter at home to recharge.

When my DH gets back from a trip he knows and has the sense to realise that when he’s away it puts more pressure with me. So he’ll get back and take our DC out.

Your DH has no excuse. Soft play, Macdonalds, park or visiting relatives. It’s really not that difficult!

How old are your 4 children?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 15:50

Popatop · 12/03/2023 15:35

The people here saying if you want some peace in your own home don’t have kids! My god. How is it unreasonable for someone to expect the other parent of their children to take them for the odd day out?! I’m sure the op takes them all out (probably daily) and manages why on earth shouldnt their other parent do the same!?

But when OP takes them out, she's not being forced to stay out all day long - she can choose to come home if she wants to.

There's a big difference between choosing to stay out all day because you're having fun, and being made to stay out all day because your OH has decided you're not allowed in your own home until 4pm.

Ultimately, having four small children really isn't conducive to having long periods of time alone in your own home. OP may want six hours home alone, but the reality is that that's probably not going to happen when you have a DH who works away and four little ones - so why not compromise a bit?

FourFour · 12/03/2023 15:53

wingingit1987 · 12/03/2023 15:31

I have 5 children aged 8,6,4,2 and a newborn. I genuinely can’t understand how why you haven’t showered all week?? I manage a shower daily without my husband needing to be here or taking the kids out.
In terms of taking them out- I don’t really see why they need taken out all day. It would be nice for the kids for him to take them to the park/softplay maybe but I don’t think it would need to be an all day affair. Could you even go out for a few hours to give yourself a break? Or go for a nap/bath?
My husband is looking after our lot while I lie in a bath just now for example. The kids don’t need to leave the house for it.

How do you do it? I have 2 and struggle to do much and this is with my dh being very hands on. Genuinely asking what is your routine like?

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/03/2023 15:55

@Sertralina

op you really need to start putting yourself first as well as the kids

plonk them in front of the telly (or if they’re really small in a play pen) whilst you shower

if you haven’t had a shower for a whole week you must feel awful. It’s a basic necessary thing to have a shower once a day. Ditto cleaning your teeth and getting some exercise in a couple of times a week.

you are just as important as the kids!! Look after yourself 🤗

BansheeofInisherin · 12/03/2023 15:56

Am thinking that OP has left. AIBU is overwhelming if you are already exhausted ( and struggling?).

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/03/2023 15:58

BansheeofInisherin · 12/03/2023 14:58

If I were the OP's DH, and the OP had not had a shower for a week, I would have taken the kids to the obliging family mentioned for lunch and a play, without being asked. At least this week. Easy, and presumably family wants to see them too.

Show quote history

So would I if I were he. And we can sit around berating him for being lazy, getting it wrong etc. Or suggest solutions.

Justforlaffs · 12/03/2023 15:58

Mumoftwogirls23 · 12/03/2023 12:09

You’re polite because I wouldn’t even ask. I’d just say right, I’m off to spend a few hours by myself. Have a lovely afternoon. Don’t call me unless it’s an absolute emergency. Cheerio 😂

Me too. Whenever things got a bit too much with the dc's when younger (sahm to 4) I'd just say " right I'm off out to xxxx - cu later"! I didn't ask dh's permission and he was empathetic enough to know I needed a break and he had to take over for a while.

I think you're just making it harder on yourself to insist he physically takes them out somewhere for the day, especially when the weather is crap.

I take it he works and you're a sahp OP? If so, it's not like he's doing nothing whilst your home with the dc's is it?

Also, they grow up so fast - believe me - soon they'll all be at school all day and you'll have lots of nice alone time on your hands. I'm at this stage now and it's great!

ferntwist · 12/03/2023 15:59

I’m shocked at the lack of empathy and support here for OP. Some posters I suspect have never looked after any kids, much less four.

OP you are totally reasonable to ask him to take them out

weRone · 12/03/2023 15:59

Definitely go out and leave him to it.

I've not showered since the night before he left...

But I have a question for you@Sertralina: you've not showered in 8 days simply because you're home alone with 4 kids?

TonTonMacoute · 12/03/2023 16:02

Realistically, keeping 4 young kids entertained out of the house all day is a big ask for anyone.

Unless he can take them off to grandparents for the day, or get someone to come along on an all day theme park trip, YABU.

2/3 hours at the park is quite a good offer, or you go out and leave him at home for the day.

namechangetheworld · 12/03/2023 16:15

TwinsAndTiramisu · 12/03/2023 14:48

OP thinks being in paid employment in order to support 6 people is a break. That's what her DH gets. A break from the children, with his job.

Therefore she should have no problem getting a job on a Sunday. After all, that's the "break" DH has that she believes is so unfair on her part.

I agree with this. I always do a big internal eye roll at the Mumsnst party line that working away is one big knees up.

vivainsomnia · 12/03/2023 16:22

As always on so many similar threads, despite limited I formation, the majority of posters have concluded that OP's OH is useless, doesn't know how to look after his kids, has it easy at his job that is no more demanding than a hobby whilst OP life is no dissimilar to a slave's who has it obviously soooooo much harder than her OH.

No consideration as some who have experience lf such weeks away that it is actually demanding, stressful and quite tiring too. No consideration that as he git back yesterday, he too had no full day for himself to enjoy the house without any disturbances.

Why is it is always the same who has it so much worse? More importantly, why always comparing, and spending more e energy trying to convince anyone that they have it harder?

The reality in all likelihood is that with 4 young kids, it is very demanding for BOTH in their own way. So communicate, agree on how to manage the situation rather than demanding things because they are owed. You need to work as a team, not competitors.

wingingit1987 · 12/03/2023 16:27

FourFour · 12/03/2023 15:53

How do you do it? I have 2 and struggle to do much and this is with my dh being very hands on. Genuinely asking what is your routine like?

Show quote history

I get up before the kids. Feed the baby and have a shower etc before I start getting the rest of them ready for school/nursery. The older 2 are in school every day and my 4 year old is in nursery 8-12.30- so it’s often just me and the younger two. I do housework with the newborn in a sling or when she naps in her Moses basket. I’m off on maternity leave just now but I only work part time 24 hrs a week (nurse). Which makes it easier to keep on top of things than full time would.

Mari9999 · 12/03/2023 16:44

@ferntwist
I it perfectly reasonable to say that" I need 8 hours of uninterrupted time to myself, please take over the children. "
It is unreasonable to then dictate how the other parent manages that time. It is unlikely that the dad ever tells the mom how to arrange or spend her time with the children.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/03/2023 16:54

TwinsAndTiramisu · 12/03/2023 14:06

I think the issue is that they both work hard during the week. OP at home. Him via employment.

OP has however decided that his weekly contribution is a big jolly, and only her work is hard. They both work hard during the week.

Then it's the weekend. OP wants a day off from the children, and for DH to do it, because that's what she does all week. So, why is she not working that day, because that's what he does all week. And apparently that's him having a break from the children. Otherwise he's working 5 weekdays and one weekend day, and OP is only working 5 weekdays. (On the basis that on the Saturday they actually do things together)

It's only after his week work trips tho, where he gets plenty of down time, his meals cooked, his room cleaned, sleep through the night, trips planned etc. Whilst op is literally on every wake up, every early call, every meal, every tidy up.
So he IS getting a break and she isn't.

Outside of those rare weeks, they should both have equal off time