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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask dh to take all 4 kids out?

377 replies

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:15

We have 4 kids all very young still.

He goes away for work a few times a year for a week. On his "work" trips he also takes the opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out (all paid for on expenses). I'm 100% fine with this. If I was working and had the opportunity I'd dot the same, and I'd rather he got it out his system. Although it IS technically work it's also a really nice time, usually his work have paid for some fancy events and parties as well so he often gets a posh hotel and nice dinners etc.

HOWEVER I am at home alone with 4 kids, it's hard work and by the time he's home I'm knackered and running on empty. He usually arrives home on a Saturday.

AIBU to expect him to at least take the kids out on the Sunday so I get a break, and for him to put his needs second today?

I've asked him (a week ago) to take them all out today and let me have a day off. He replied with "yeh I'll take them to park for a couple hours" to which I said um no, take them somewhere for the whole day. I want a full day off. If I can have them all for a week on my own he can surely manage 1 single day. Its 11am and although he has reluctantly agreed, he's now decided he's taking a shower. So then the kids will need lunch....so they won't be leaving till this afternoon.

Surely it's not so much to ask for him to of got them up and out this morning so I can have a proper break. I've not showered since the night before he left...but he's been in a hotel on his own for a week and presumably had a nice relaxing shower daily....I just feel very resentful that I'm sat looking after the kids while he has another shower so he can finally go out with the children, presumable after I've made everyone lunch.

AIBU to expect more of him and to be angry about this?

OP posts:
justasking111 · 12/03/2023 14:06

I lay odds if you did walk out in the morning for a whole day he'd be on the phone to family asking for a visit

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 14:07

Mumsanetta · 12/03/2023 13:58

Particularly if you had been away all week sans kids on a jolly while your wife had been alone looking after your 4 kids? I’m convinced that only a cunt would think that way.

Show quote history

He's not been away on a jolly - he's been working to keep a roof over their heads. Yes, he might see friends and family while he's there, but it's not like he's away on holiday for a week straight.

Dumpruntime · 12/03/2023 14:08

Mumsanetta · 12/03/2023 14:01

What is this idea that being a SAHP of 4 kids isn’t work?? It’s not paid work, sure, but it’s still bloody hard work! Far harder than a job that involves fancy dinners and lots of nights out! And OP should be getting credit for saving their family unit childcare costs for 4 children! If she wasn’t doing what she is doing I wonder if OP’s DH would still be able to live it up.

Show quote history

Are you on the sherry 😂 who said it wasn’t work, what was said was the man is away for work, it’s hugely unreasonable to demand he then takes a week off so she can go and have a sty in a hotel.

the stuff you read on here.

WimbyAce · 12/03/2023 14:08

I think it would have been easier if you got yourself up, showered and took yourself out for the day leaving him at home with the kids. It's q tricky this time of year to take kids out all day.

LargeQuarterPounderwithfries · 12/03/2023 14:08

Not being a martyr but my DH works abroad for months on end. Don’t want a badge but it is what it is.

Of course your DH can look after your children in the house when he is at home. Why should he need to physically leave the house? Do they not go to school in the week- or are they all
under school age?

inamarina · 12/03/2023 14:09

THisbackwithavengeance · 12/03/2023 12:52

Surely the nicest solution would be for you, him and the DCs to go out as a family?

Somewhere easy where the kids can run around and you can sit and chat with a coffee? It doesn't have to be stressful or hard work.

Couple always seem to live very separate lives on MN with alternate lie-ins, different hobbies, separate nights out, tag- team childcare. When do you actually spend time together as a family?

If I were your DH I would not be impressed with being kicked out of my own house for the whole day the day after I got home.

And again, there's the usual MN disdain for paid employment as if anyone who WOH and earns the money that keeps everyone else going is having a bit of a jolly at work and not doing much and the SAHM is the only one who actually does anything.

I agree with this.
I can well imagine how OP needs some downtime after a week of looking after four kids by herself, but I don’t get the comments that make it sound like her husband just came back from a holiday with his mates - he’s been working and I assume he’s paying for everything? Both her and him had a busy week and are probably both quite tired.

LuAb76 · 12/03/2023 14:10

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 14:07

He's not been away on a jolly - he's been working to keep a roof over their heads. Yes, he might see friends and family while he's there, but it's not like he's away on holiday for a week straight.

Show quote history

I agree however I had plenty of ‘business trips’ during my professional career & they we’re definitely jolly’s no doubt about that

JudgeRudy · 12/03/2023 14:10

Next time you go out Saturday teatime...and stay out.

Quitelikeit · 12/03/2023 14:11

Why come on here to moan? Moan at him and if you don’t like your home set up why did you allow it to unfold the way it has?

not sure what you expect a bunch of people on here to do well apart from join in attacking your partner

Grettaetta · 12/03/2023 14:12

Sounds like you need to spell it out for him. ‘On Saturday, please take kids out from 10-4. That means you need to get a shower at 9am. Kids will be ready to leave house at 10am.’ Give him ideas of where to goOnce he’s done it a few times he will learn to do it naturally. Very annoying though!!

Cantstaystuckforever · 12/03/2023 14:13

I've been a single SAHM of 3 and I've travelled for work, it's more relentless being home with kids BUT work travel can be knackering, it's not all fun, and then it's also very jarring sometimes to come home and be 100% child -orientated.

You say you take the 4 out 'all the time', but use the example of taking the older ones to school. So you don't have all 4 out all day in that situation, it's 2.

I'd agree with others that you should ideally get out all day and leave him to it. Or if there are close family he can go to for example, but expecting someone who doesn't usually single-hand kids to be out of the house 9-4 with a mix of ages in uncertain weather is a bit much.

inamarina · 12/03/2023 14:14

Dumpruntime · 12/03/2023 14:08

Are you on the sherry 😂 who said it wasn’t work, what was said was the man is away for work, it’s hugely unreasonable to demand he then takes a week off so she can go and have a sty in a hotel.

the stuff you read on here.

Show quote history

Also, looking after four kids is certainly work, but so is having a job that pays enough for six people. I’m sure it involves more than fancy dinners and nights out.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 14:15

LuAb76 · 12/03/2023 14:10

I agree however I had plenty of ‘business trips’ during my professional career & they we’re definitely jolly’s no doubt about that

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I'm not denying that, but he's still only there because he's got to work to support six people. It's not like he's buggered off somewhere to lie on the beach all day.

It doesn't need to a competition about who has it worse - yes, it's tiring to look after four young children on your own, but it's also tough to know you're the sole breadwinner and that you have five dependents relying on you for absolutely everything.

They both need to compromise when it comes to these Sundays - whether that means they both get a half day to themselves, or OP has to go out to get her downtime is up to them, really.

Idkineedhelp · 12/03/2023 14:15

Sorry to change the topic I don’t mean till I just don’t know how to upload it any other way. I had unprotected sex two days before my period was due and I know it’s almost impossible to get pregnant when your period is that close but it happened to my auntie anyways i had unprotected sex just before my period and then I was late by like 4 or 5 days which is unusual for me because my periods are like clockwork and then I have had spotting since for like 3/4 days. I have took 3 tests and they have all been negative so I don’t know what it is or what it could be. Does anyone have advice please x

GoodChat · 12/03/2023 14:15

Quitelikeit · 12/03/2023 14:11

Why come on here to moan? Moan at him and if you don’t like your home set up why did you allow it to unfold the way it has?

not sure what you expect a bunch of people on here to do well apart from join in attacking your partner

It everyone followed your advice this forum wouldn't last long

LargeQuarterPounderwithfries · 12/03/2023 14:15

Quitelikeit · 12/03/2023 14:11

Why come on here to moan? Moan at him and if you don’t like your home set up why did you allow it to unfold the way it has?

not sure what you expect a bunch of people on here to do well apart from join in attacking your partner

Yes agree with this.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 12/03/2023 14:16

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 14:15

I'm not denying that, but he's still only there because he's got to work to support six people. It's not like he's buggered off somewhere to lie on the beach all day.

It doesn't need to a competition about who has it worse - yes, it's tiring to look after four young children on your own, but it's also tough to know you're the sole breadwinner and that you have five dependents relying on you for absolutely everything.

They both need to compromise when it comes to these Sundays - whether that means they both get a half day to themselves, or OP has to go out to get her downtime is up to them, really.

Show quote history

This.

DojaPhat · 12/03/2023 14:19

To be fair even if the OP's husband pulled his weight at home it would still be nigh on impossible to have a lazy Sunday infront of the TV with 4 kids around. But you do need a break OP, carrying the mental load must be crushing.

FriedasCarLoad · 12/03/2023 14:20

Given today has turned into just a half-day (at best), maybe he can also take them out for a full day next week. And then he's got plenty of time to plan what to do.

Swiftswatch · 12/03/2023 14:20

The poor dote is only a man, he can’t be expected to have 4 of his own kids for more than a few hours!

Popatop · 12/03/2023 14:21

My other half hasn’t ever taken all 4 out at once. “It’s too much” or “doesn’t want to” - it absolutely sucks. Try your hardest to push for it. Make it clear you haven’t had your day so next Saturday is now your day. The only way I get a break is to demand it and go sit in a coffee shop or something. It’s so unfair!

Msmossy · 12/03/2023 14:24

I'm guessing if you left for the day you would come back to a complete mess, nothing organised for the week ahead and children that have been staring at screens for too long? If you were home alone you'd probably have time to give the house a clean, prep for the week and then actually sit and relax for a while.
Yes, he should be able to take them out for a few hours.

LuAb76 · 12/03/2023 14:25

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 14:15

I'm not denying that, but he's still only there because he's got to work to support six people. It's not like he's buggered off somewhere to lie on the beach all day.

It doesn't need to a competition about who has it worse - yes, it's tiring to look after four young children on your own, but it's also tough to know you're the sole breadwinner and that you have five dependents relying on you for absolutely everything.

They both need to compromise when it comes to these Sundays - whether that means they both get a half day to themselves, or OP has to go out to get her downtime is up to them, really.

Show quote history

That’s why I said I agree but she doesn’t get a break from her job

GoodChat · 12/03/2023 14:26

FriedasCarLoad · 12/03/2023 14:20

Given today has turned into just a half-day (at best), maybe he can also take them out for a full day next week. And then he's got plenty of time to plan what to do.

Like he did this week and still didn't bother planning anything

Bluekerfuffle · 12/03/2023 14:26

I agree with others, it would be far easier for everyone for you to go out and leave them at home. How often are you out for most of the day trying to entertain all four at once?