Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Potential lodger has been logging on website - is she going to be flakey

154 replies

Tricktracey · 12/03/2023 01:55

I’ve got a spare room and she’s supposed to be moving in, in two weeks.

I’be noticed she logged into the website 9 hours ago and also a few times over the past week. I don’t check everyday but yesterday she logged in three days ago.

I haven’t taken a deposit…. but do you think she’s going to flake out?

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 12/03/2023 10:43

Maybe she’s worried that YOU will flake out on HER due to there being no formal agreement or deposit, so she’s looking for back ups just in case.

purplecorkheart · 12/03/2023 11:01

Maybe she is curious to see if her old place comes up for rent.
She might be logging in because she likes looking at other peoples houses. Lots of people look at houses for sale when they have no intention to buy.

The fact that you are monitoring her use of a site is concerning. Regardless of her renting a room for you this is inappropriate and frankly concerning. You mention you have problems with boundaries but this seems more than that. You need to get some help.

BigChesterDraws · 12/03/2023 11:05

Tricktracey · 12/03/2023 02:11

I feel like it’s a little too late for that :/

for reference I’ve been doing this for years….. including when I lived overseas.

I think because I didn’t get her down for an actual date…. And she kinda said the same date she was leaving her current contract (which is a Tuesday)….

maybe I’ll contact another person who’s just joined.

Show quote history

So you’re bothered that she might not come through with the deposit when you are seriously considering not coming through with the room and offering it to someone else? What’s wrong with you that you don’t see the double standards there?

There are many reasons are could be checking the website. She may be looking for a room for a friend, showing the website to others who may need a room, may need details of the organisation for her employer or a residency visa/work permit, etc.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/03/2023 11:16

Tricktracey · 12/03/2023 02:28

The advert is offline

Show quote history

She's probably suspicious that the ad has disappeared and is worried that you've changed your mind (and thanking her lucky stars that she didn't give you a deposit).

Mrsvyvyan · 12/03/2023 12:01

Op you should really have a contract and a deposit and references, when these things get messy it will be a bellyache without them.

Merangutan · 12/03/2023 12:22

You are treating the lodging agreement like a friendship - taking a stranger at their word, having only verbal agreements, making something which should be more of a business-like transaction based purely on trust. You need to be putting things in writing and taking deposits to protect yourself from time wasters.

You can’t change the agreement now and ask for a deposit without annoying her - she won’t have planned to have one, obviously. I think you need a plan B to check her commitment. Draw up a simple lodging agreement which commits her to payment and certain terms (nothing wrong with some general ts and cs eg on arrears and notice) and say that it needs signing or the room will be re-advertised. I’m sure you can find a template for this online.

You should not be letting your own lack of organisation / checks / documents be the reason to re-list a property without you even talking to her first. That’s totally unfair.

If I were her, I’d have doubts because all of the lack of contracts etc works both ways: where is her security about her lodgings? Can she just be booted out? How does she know she really has a room to go to in a fortnight? It’s an unprofessional mess!

LadyJ2023 · 12/03/2023 12:30

Its not the new tenant I feel for here. How freaky your watching a stranger and there logging in activity. Whats it to do with you?? I hope said lady sees this and realises not to move into your room because thats totally weird your actions as a landlord,lady, unprofessional and none of your business at all!!!!

ThinWomansBrain · 12/03/2023 12:42

maybe you feel vulnerable and that she may drop out because you agreed no deposit for whatever reason; maybe she feels similarly and is concerned that you might relet it or still have it on the site.
Why not give her a ring, say that your looking forward to her moving in, is there anything more she needs to know about the house/room or moving in generally? - it might put both your minds at ease.

whippedlemons · 12/03/2023 13:55

Why don't you message her? Asking if she is still moving in on X date and would she like a contract prepared?

2bazookas · 12/03/2023 13:57

She hasn't paid a deposit so the room is not formally reserved yet.

You could contact her and say " Another guest has booked the room from he 18th and paid their deposit. So I'm afraid the room availability is now only from 13th to 17th.

If you still wish to reserve the room for those dates please send deposit of £xx.

Hawkins003 · 12/03/2023 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Considering how and what we know of God is from other humans, written by Humans and translated by Humans then we cannot truly understand god

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 12/03/2023 14:16

2bazookas · 12/03/2023 13:57

She hasn't paid a deposit so the room is not formally reserved yet.

You could contact her and say " Another guest has booked the room from he 18th and paid their deposit. So I'm afraid the room availability is now only from 13th to 17th.

If you still wish to reserve the room for those dates please send deposit of £xx.

She said she didn't require a deposit and this isn't a short term thing - she's looking for a lodger.

lieselotte · 12/03/2023 14:37

Blimey heaven forbid that someone continues to look at rooms or houses after they've secured one. Or jobs come to that.

Maybe she's just nosey and likes looking to see what's around.

Talia99 · 12/03/2023 15:04

Stravaig · 12/03/2023 06:02

'I'm looking for a room. I think I've found one, but the landlord is being vague, hasn't confirmed a moving in date or asked for a deposit. AIBU to keep looking in case this falls through?'

This. I’ve used spare room twice. The first time there was no contract and she didn’t take any deposit until the day I moved in. There was no proper discussion about her requirements. I most definitely kept looking as I had no idea if she was going to flake out on me. That was a M-F lodging situation so I at least had another home to leave all my stuff in if it all fell through and I had to Travellodge it while I looked for somewhere else. It sounds like this tenant doesn’t have that.

The second time was full time with a professional landlady (I was a lodger in her home but she also had a HMO with multiple tenants). She sent through a contract, asked for a deposit, discussed move in dates and requirements like frequency of overnight guests, use of kitchen / living room / washing machine etc., plus cleaning requirements. I didn’t bother to keep looking because she came across as far more committed.

Which of these is more like you, @Tricktracey, because if it’s the former, I can see why she’s kept looking.

Also, the online stalking is weird. Stop that.

Crazyshihtzulady · 12/03/2023 15:12

Why are you checking up on her? that's creepy!

SpikyHatePotato · 12/03/2023 15:16

I think OP has probably stopped reading, but if not -

I'm currently about 2 weeks out from moving into a Spare Room as a lodger - in fact, this thread prompted me to message my soon-to-be landlord about the time I'll be arriving.

I've certainly been back on Spare Room since we agreed the letting - there was something I wanted to check about the property that I seemed to remember was in the advert, and it didn't seem worth messaging the landlord about it when I could get the answer myself. Also, another person who is working on the same project <deliberately vague> was asking on an industry group <vague again> about finding accommodation, and I logged on again to check what else is available in the area.

So IMHO the OP has gone to 0-60 catastrophising rather quickly, and would be better to take a few deep breaths and contact their lodger directly.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 12/03/2023 15:19

Contact her, say that you’ve reconsidered your position following advice from your estate agent and that you will require a weeks deposit. Or whatever is the norm.

Say that you’ll continue to hold it for her for another week while she sorts funds out but will need to readvertise if not received.

this is not hard and what text messages are so useful for.

Murdoch1949 · 12/03/2023 17:12

Message her, ask her for deposit 7 days before moving in. Then wait.

melj1213 · 12/03/2023 17:20

YABU - why is it ok for you to log in repeatedly but not the lodger? How do you know the lodger hasn't seen you've been logging in repeatedly, you have removed the listing, you have not asked for a deposit, you have not made definitive rules/expectations clear and they have decided that they're going to keep their options open just in case you flake on them?

There's a 1001 reasons why the lodger may have logged in - they may have wanted to check something in the listing instead of messaging; they may have wanted to keep an eye on the market in case something better came up (they may have taken the OPs room as it was the best option available but something else better wrt location/price/size/amenities etc might have just become available); they may have had other listings they had been communicating with land lords about; they may be working with others who are also in need of a short term rental and so they were looking into what's available to give them advice; they may have a project coming up where they might need a short term room elsewhere and so was looking at what was available on the SR site as opposed to hotels ...

The only reason you have to repeatedly log on is to spy on the lodger's online activity

Hadjab · 12/03/2023 17:27

I have no idea how Spareroom works, but how do you know she’s been logging in?

JudgeRudy · 12/03/2023 17:30

You've left things too vague. Contact her and say you have another person interested who would like to move in on X. As you offered it to her first you are prepared to 'hold' it until Y provided she gives you a deposit. She can pay be BACs into xxxxxxxx account or cash.

I think it would be really bad form if you told her at this stage the room was no longer available .

Could it be that you put her on the spot and pushed for an answer whilst she was in your home and she doesn't want it? Or perhaps she's just looking for a better deal which she's entitled to do. Don't mention her on line activity, that's really not your business, but who and when you take in a lodger is and no-one expects you to just wait around.

TrickorTreacle · 12/03/2023 17:35

SpikyHatePotato · 12/03/2023 15:16

I think OP has probably stopped reading, but if not -

I'm currently about 2 weeks out from moving into a Spare Room as a lodger - in fact, this thread prompted me to message my soon-to-be landlord about the time I'll be arriving.

I've certainly been back on Spare Room since we agreed the letting - there was something I wanted to check about the property that I seemed to remember was in the advert, and it didn't seem worth messaging the landlord about it when I could get the answer myself. Also, another person who is working on the same project <deliberately vague> was asking on an industry group <vague again> about finding accommodation, and I logged on again to check what else is available in the area.

So IMHO the OP has gone to 0-60 catastrophising rather quickly, and would be better to take a few deep breaths and contact their lodger directly.

I think you're right.

I posted in this thread because the OP's name is similar to mine!

@Tricktracey - your potential lodger is checking into the web site so not to have all their eggs in 1 basket. Get the deposit and then you'll be able to talk shop.

EnthENd · 12/03/2023 18:53

It's a business transaction.

If she and you haven't agreed to any binding contracts, then she and you are free to do as you please. There is nothing "flakey" about her changing her mind.

If she has signed or clicked to agree a contract and backs out, then you will be able to pursue her for costs.

EnthENd · 12/03/2023 18:53

(In theory. In practice you might be unable to trace her to serve any proceedings.)

WinterMusings · 13/03/2023 08:58

Tricktracey · 12/03/2023 05:06

rational people would see this as me being in a vulnerable position and perhaps thinking she’s not going to want to move in as she hasn’t committed with money etc. So if she hadn’t logged into the site since she viewed, it would be all good…. But now I have doubts.

mumsnet - omg dump him/get rid/you sound hard etc typical response

Show quote history

No, rational people would see this as HER being in a vulnerable position. You have a home. She might not because she didn't give you a deposit, a deposit which YOU said wasn't necessary.

You're observing that she's logging into the site (I think 'stalking her' is a bit strong), you haven't contacted her to firm up details, I'd be logging in to check what else is available in case you've done (what you're saying you'll do) & contact other new potential lodgers.

she had no commitment from you.

Just phone her FGS, make sure you BOTH still want to go ahead & if you do get a date and get a deposit. It doesn't matter that you said you didn't need one before, it's now 2weeks & you do.

it is unfair on her & other potential to take other viewing without speaking to her first