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Original poster

Potential lodger has been logging on website - is she going to be flakey

154 replies

Tricktracey · 12/03/2023 01:55

I’ve got a spare room and she’s supposed to be moving in, in two weeks.

I’be noticed she logged into the website 9 hours ago and also a few times over the past week. I don’t check everyday but yesterday she logged in three days ago.

I haven’t taken a deposit…. but do you think she’s going to flake out?

OP posts:
JMSA · 12/03/2023 08:34

It's probably just curiosity on her part. Like still checking a dating site in the early stages of seeing someone. You have no intention of backing out, but it's just idle nosiness.

OheeOheeOh · 12/03/2023 08:35

Starlitestarbright · 12/03/2023 08:20

Next you will be stalking her social media

You can bet she's looked her up as part of her vetting process... she has been doing it for years after all!

callthataspade · 12/03/2023 08:37

Bluetrews25 · 12/03/2023 08:24

Are you bad with your own boundaries and let people take liberties, or do you have no respect for the boundaries of others and will trample all over them?

On the basis of this thread I can take a wild guess...

Dibbydoos · 12/03/2023 08:39

So contact her.

Say youre exorcting her to move in on xyz date. That you now need a holding deposit of ££.

Give her a rental contract to sign at the same time. Make sure the deposit is put in a scheme.

Demjay · 12/03/2023 08:43

PacificallyRequested · 12/03/2023 02:15

If you haven't taken a deposit or agreed anything in writing then she owes you nothing, she's entitled to keep looking in case she finds something better. On the other hand, it would be a total dick move on your part to offer it to someone else as she thinks she's got a room sorted if she needs it.

Huh?? This makes no sense, surely it goes both ways?

atomickitty · 12/03/2023 08:43

I was a lodger with someone a bit like OP and it was tough.

I’d been a lodger before, was expecting the usual pleasant but not best friends relationship, a bit of privacy in the room I was renting in return for me paying rent on time, taking general good care of the flat etc. Turned out to be a nightmare.

Landlord had boundary issues, basically wanted the emotional commitment of a partner relationship. Got upset if I didn’t spend enough time in the shared living space, had very rigid but uncommunicated rules for exactly how to live, went in to my room every day to “check I wasn’t damaging things”. The room thing was the biggest issue- she did it in secret after I left for work and it was a couple of months before I found out.

I tried to raise the issues with her and she just couldn’t understand why I might not want to spend every evening with her and why I might not like someone going through things in my bedroom without telling me. On the flip side, she found it difficult to ask for a deposit, to raise rent, or bring up any issue in a mature way. She felt I was taking advantage of her, but her expectations were unclear and unrealistic. I only stayed 4 months in the end, even though I’d agreed to a year, it was a pain but I couldn’t carry on living in the situation.

Good luck to OP and her lodger.

OheeOheeOh · 12/03/2023 08:45

I think most people in this situation would continue to look right up until they move in. Nothing signed no money exchanged it's a verbal agreement which you as the landlady could also go back on. I don't understand why if you've been doing this a long time you aren't asking for a deposit, you sound ike it's the first time you've done this.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 12/03/2023 09:02

So you're worried that she's still going on the site having agreed to rent your room.

Why are you still going on the site having agreed to rent her your room?

Siepie · 12/03/2023 09:04

You think you're vulnerable?? If you flake on her, she'll be homeless!

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 12/03/2023 09:44

Tricktracey · 12/03/2023 05:06

rational people would see this as me being in a vulnerable position and perhaps thinking she’s not going to want to move in as she hasn’t committed with money etc. So if she hadn’t logged into the site since she viewed, it would be all good…. But now I have doubts.

mumsnet - omg dump him/get rid/you sound hard etc typical response

Show quote history

Rational people would stop wondering & logging in & out & banging on about deposits & boundaries & TALK TO THE TENANT.

Mrsvyvyan · 12/03/2023 09:45

I think you’re projecting op.

I also don’t think you’re ready to have a lodger, if things can’t be sorted at this stage it doesn’t bode well for the future when she’s living in your actual home.

I had the same experience as @atomickitty and it was a very unpleasant experience for all.

JorisBonson · 12/03/2023 09:57

What a bizarre thread.

PuddlesPityParty · 12/03/2023 10:03

callthataspade · 12/03/2023 05:15

Don't start slinging insults around because you're not getting the response you want

You fucked up. You should have asked for a deposit. That's not her fault.

For her sake I hope she finds somewhere else. Maybe with someone with boundaries.

This 100%

Viviennemary · 12/03/2023 10:06

Sounds like she is still looking. Ask her for a deposit.

Iamtheonwandlonely · 12/03/2023 10:09

I think this is the perfect time to email her.
Confirm the details and maybe meet to discuss what you each want from the arrangements.
Has she seen the room?
And say you've changed your mind about the deposit.
You have to cover your own back here for any damages.

Plus check her reference.

Tinypetunia · 12/03/2023 10:19

What are you concerned about exactly? She's probably just looking again at the accommodation. And what is 'flakey' supposed to mean? Do you mean hesitant? Just ask for a deposit if you want one.
I look at houses on Rightmove all the time, even though I have no intention of actually moving.

Harthacnut · 12/03/2023 10:24

I'm another one wondering that if you're "bad with boundaries" and "suspicious by nature", you really think that having a lodger is a good idea for you or for your potential lodger?

WisherWood · 12/03/2023 10:26

rational people would see this as me being in a vulnerable position and perhaps thinking she’s not going to want to move in as she hasn’t committed with money etc.

If she's relying on you for a place to live I'd say she's the more vulnerable person. She can logon for whatever reason she likes. Maybe she's showing the site to a friend. Maybe she needs a temporary place to stay whereas yours will be longer term. Who knows. But you checking up on her online activity and then deciding to readvertise the room without first contacting her to confirm arrangements is distinctly irrational.

SoupDragon · 12/03/2023 10:30

Tricktracey · 12/03/2023 01:55

I’ve got a spare room and she’s supposed to be moving in, in two weeks.

I’be noticed she logged into the website 9 hours ago and also a few times over the past week. I don’t check everyday but yesterday she logged in three days ago.

I haven’t taken a deposit…. but do you think she’s going to flake out?

Why is it OK for you, the potential landlord, to go onto the website but not her? You say you had "email notifications" but surely she also could have had those.

it doesn't sound like you've been "doing this for years"

bridgetreilly · 12/03/2023 10:32

This is bonkers. Send her an email now with a contract and request for deposit. Set a date by which they need to send it and say that if it isn’t done, you’ll start to readvertise. This is a business arrangement, start acting like it.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 12/03/2023 10:33

You should of asked for a deposit.

That said it's weird, infact really weird and unnerving that your stalking her on there. How can you complain she's logging in when your logging in and stalking her yourself?

Doesn't sound like your someone who should be having lodgers!

MolkosTeenageAngst · 12/03/2023 10:39

Well why have you logged onto the site if the advert is removed and you have a lodger? Why is it flakey that she’s logged onto the site but not that you have if you’ve both agreed?

Maybe she is also worried about the fact you haven’t asked for a deposit and is wondering if the place is secure and has logged on to check that you’re not still advertising for the room and is looking to see if anything else is available if you pull out, just as you are looking to see if anyone else is available if she pulls out.

If she’s flakey so are you.

Also, it’s possible she is just looking out of interest. I know plenty of people who are not looking to move house who like looking on RightMove for example just to have a nosy at what’s for sale, not because they intend to buy anywhere.

Honestly, the fact you’re checking her online activity just sounds a bit stalkerish!

ThatMam · 12/03/2023 10:40

I am baffled by this thread, maybe she had email notifications and was checking what they were, maybe she thought you may have messaged her on there when she got the notification and was checking.
You cannot just start contacting other people to offer the room leaving them homeless just because they have logged into a website.

Why not contact her as a I am just emailing to confirm the arrangements for you moving in.

She is not the one I am worried about being flakey in this situation if I am honest...

DDivaStar · 12/03/2023 10:40

Just contact her, ask her to confirm the move in date and give a deposit.

If you do intend on backing out of your agreement at least have the courtesy to tell her so she can make other arrangements.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 12/03/2023 10:42

I sometimes including currently now, rent out a spare room to a lodger. I always get a deposit beforehand too.

I don’t know why you’re faffing around checking her activity out on Spare room either! Definitely bordering on stalkerish.