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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to leave first thing tomorrow?

142 replies

darshun · 11/03/2023 20:21

I've been dating a guy for a while and today I realised it's not working for me:

I suspect he might be love bombing me. He pours on compliments (even though I've told him many times it make me uncomfortable).

Mid-sentence he'll interrupt me to tell me how much he likes me or how beautiful I look, and I can't stand it.

He dozed off on the sofa and apologised when he woke up. I told him it didn't bother me in the slightest. He then went on to apologise profusely, at random intervals, for the next two hours until I lost my temper and told him to stop. It was bizarre.

Similarly, I was running late to meet him and he kept assuring me (again, at random intervals) that I shouldn't feel bad about the fact I'd been running late. I hadn't said I'd felt bad about it (apart from initially apologising of course). It was like he was telling me how I felt (????). So odd.

It all feels either extremely manipulative or extremely immature but either way it's gross.

I've noticed it somewhat in the past with but never to this extent.

The problem is he was meant to sleep over at my house. It's the middle of the night where I am (not U.K.). He's now asleep in my bed and all I want to do is wake him up and ask him to leave. I should've asked him not to stay over at all but he doesn't live nearby and didn't bring the car (public transport not running at this time).

Would it be reasonable to wake him up at around 7am and ask him to leave then? I've put myself in the spare room meanwhile.

And how on earth do I say "morning! I've just realised you're a twat so please leave immediately"??)?

OP posts:
Greyarea12 · 12/03/2023 00:38

Yeah he is manipulative. That part about you running late is him trying to manipulate you into feeling like you done something wrong. It's to get you to question and apologise profusely for 'your behaviour" and therefore ensure you never 'behave like that' again. Same with the apologising for falling asleep, that's his way of letting you know he finds it unacceptable, therefore, dont you 'dare do it' and if you do, dont forget to apologise for such unacceptable behaviour, just like he taught you. That's just the beginning.. He will turn abusive. Good choice you have made in getting rid.. however, he won't be sweetness & light under that mask. I agree with doing the breaking up at a distance. Let him wake up as normal and if need be make up an excuse to get him to leave early, not feeling well - that could also explain why your in a separate bed. Definitely do it at a distance.

Ponderingwindow · 12/03/2023 00:42

listen to @Cocobutt

do not create a tense situation when this can be a simple breakup.

very importantly, different people react to being woken up differently.plus you think he is the love bombing type which goes hand in hand with the type who eventually becomes abusive. If he tends towards grumpy, then waking him and immediately breaking up with him while alone is just a bad idea.

Peachy2005 · 12/03/2023 00:51

Can you ask a friend to call round early with an « emergency »? Get him out fairly fast that way?

Wife2b · 12/03/2023 00:53

Here’s not really done anything wrong. Let him sleep and wave him off in the morning with excuses of having plans etc.

BadNomad · 12/03/2023 00:59

This is what we've come to. Men have been assholes for so long that we can no longer tell when one is being nice or being manipulative.

Ponderingwindow · 12/03/2023 01:03

BadNomad · 12/03/2023 00:59

This is what we've come to. Men have been assholes for so long that we can no longer tell when one is being nice or being manipulative.

Pretty much

plus it takes some time to figure out if he is one of the ones who will beat you for merely existing in his presence

PizzaPastaWine · 12/03/2023 01:07

I wonder if there is some form of neuro diversity here...you say about him interrupting sentences/seeking reassurance/forgetting belongings etc. I guess you loosing your temper doesn't help things either.

Stay in the spare room, offer him a coffee in the morning then send him on his way. Then tell him you're both not right for each other.

This is a case of the ick because you're not compatible/ready for a relationship.

And in future remember to have people stay that you WANT to stay - his behaviour hasn't happened overnight.

BurntOutGirl · 12/03/2023 01:10

SchoolTripDrama · 11/03/2023 22:14

@darshun Saying 'hey, just so you know, you don't need to keep feeling bad about being late to meet me earlier today....', multiple times, out the blue, when I hadn't even mentioned it, feels like it has some kind of untoward intention.

This sounds like just the sort of thing my Autistic relative would've said. Just didn't understand social cues! Had to occasionally be told "Hey no I'm not feeling bad don't worry!" Then straight back to previous conversation. No big deal at all. Not bloody 'manipulative' 🙄 I'm not armchair diagnosing anybody, just pointing out similarities and therefore a possibility, that's all.

My DD has Autism and I am so very worried about her future as an autistic adult when I see such judgement from people day to day. Not just from OP, but in general. People are soooo intensively hyper critical of others' behaviours these days. It's so sad.

Same here. My DS struggles so much with social cues and getting it wrong, so now he doesn't bother and stays in his room 24/7 😔.

OP - l think he is just trying too hard and getting it wrong. Please be kind. You can finish your relationship with him without crushing his self esteem.

Fraaahnces · 12/03/2023 01:12

Btw, pack up the things he’s left and make sure he has them all. Have you ever been to his place so you can post them (just in case?)

bombemma · 12/03/2023 01:16

Sapphire387 · 11/03/2023 20:27

What time would he be due to leave otherwise? He sounds quite persistent so I'd be more inclined to break up with him 'at a distance' than wake him up at 7am.

Echo this, keep yourself safe. He's sound a little erratic

DahliaRose3 · 12/03/2023 01:20

If you feel unsafe for whatever reason, trust your intuition. If you’re wrong about him fine, but don’t worry about that for now - your safety is a priority.

Ask a friend or family member to come around first thing in the morning to ask for your help. Pretend you were feeling unwell as a reason for sleeping in the next room, and as a reason for you being off with him - he will probably pick up on it. Otherwise, wake him up with a fake family emergency and drop him at home on the way out, otherwise you can call the police too.

Break up with him from afar.

ReadtheReviews · 12/03/2023 01:26

Id think the op knows if he's weird or not better than people on the internet. Trust your instinct op. And do the break up at a distance.

Original poster
darshun · 12/03/2023 01:35

I didn't throw him out. I waited till he woke up and acted like I knew we both had places to be and that we'd better get on with our day. That worked.

I do appreciate the perspective that he might not be being intentionally manipulative.

I didn't mean to sound awful for talking about throwing him out. When I wrote it, his behaviour had driven me so mad that I just felt like I wanted him out of my space, asap.

OP posts:
fUNNYfACE36 · 12/03/2023 01:41

I think it's really rude to wake him, who is after all a guest,at 7 am on a Sunday to ask him to go.I think normal Sunday get up time plus breakfast is the earliest.

Magenta82 · 12/03/2023 01:43

Glad it worked out OK for you. I would probably break up over text if you can.

Lolabear38 · 12/03/2023 03:53

Greyarea12 · 12/03/2023 00:38

Yeah he is manipulative. That part about you running late is him trying to manipulate you into feeling like you done something wrong. It's to get you to question and apologise profusely for 'your behaviour" and therefore ensure you never 'behave like that' again. Same with the apologising for falling asleep, that's his way of letting you know he finds it unacceptable, therefore, dont you 'dare do it' and if you do, dont forget to apologise for such unacceptable behaviour, just like he taught you. That's just the beginning.. He will turn abusive. Good choice you have made in getting rid.. however, he won't be sweetness & light under that mask. I agree with doing the breaking up at a distance. Let him wake up as normal and if need be make up an excuse to get him to leave early, not feeling well - that could also explain why your in a separate bed. Definitely do it at a distance.

You get all this from one, one sided post about a relationship? That’s quite the leap, and you sound so convinced you’re right! I worry for my kids (a boy and a girl) with people this judgemental and extremist in the world.

VictorStrand · 12/03/2023 04:10

I wouldn't fake illness. He might insist on staying longer to look after you. An emergency call or letting him leave after breakfast would be best. Then as PPs said, end it at a distance and block on everything.
He is being manipulative from the faux humility of over your non-existent transgression to using ott compliments to shut you down. The posters who can't see it are obviously lucky enough never to have met that type of manipulation before.

PinkSyCo · 12/03/2023 04:14

And how on earth do I say "morning! I've just realised you're a twat so please leave immediately"??)?

You don’t. You break it off kindly like a grown up seeing as, apart from get on your nerves, the bloke hasn’t actually done anything wrong.

discobrain · 12/03/2023 05:01

Uhhh

The amount of people saying OP is overreacting and saying some people don't understand social cues etc

None of that matters, OP is clearly not comfortable and wants out. That's the important part.

OP, I think the distance dump is best as a few others have suggested, after you come up with a scenario to hurry him out of there.

He sounds really overly fawning, like Grima Wormtongue from LOTR The Two Towers. Ick ick ick.

NomadicSpirit · 12/03/2023 05:07

discobrain · 12/03/2023 05:01

Uhhh

The amount of people saying OP is overreacting and saying some people don't understand social cues etc

None of that matters, OP is clearly not comfortable and wants out. That's the important part.

OP, I think the distance dump is best as a few others have suggested, after you come up with a scenario to hurry him out of there.

He sounds really overly fawning, like Grima Wormtongue from LOTR The Two Towers. Ick ick ick.

Any thread with a Lord of the Rings comment is good as far as I'm concerned 😀

But yeah, I think the OP handled it well (went into another room, vented on here and then booted him out calmly in the morning).

She just needs to say "right you smothering twat, you're dumped... and I don't want a load of apologies!"

...or words to that effect 😉

discobrain · 12/03/2023 05:17

@NomaNomadicSpirit

I wasn't sure if anyone would get the reference, but I'm glad you did.

It's like when he's fawning over Éowyn, he's horrid and slimy and just NOPE.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/03/2023 05:54

I’m glad it’s worked out. However, I don’t think he was manipulating you because otherwise he’d not have apologised for his behaviour numerous times. It sounds as though he’s lacking self esteem and doesn’t get all social boundaries. He’s then trying too hard. The reassurance, I’m not reading as manipulation, but genuinely trying to reassure you because in your shoes, he’d feel bad and he is struggling to see you don’t.

fatherfintanstack · 12/03/2023 06:05

Well handled, OP. I know the sudden 'I just wish you weren't here!' feeling but you treated him with dignity. I'd ring today and say it's been nice getting to know him but you'd like to leave it here.

WidthofaLine · 12/03/2023 06:09

I don't think he was manipulative either, I think he disabled you with his kindness.

Always best to dump someone at a distance though, you did the right thing.

I actually think you would have eat this one for breakfast 😂

Magenta82 · 12/03/2023 06:17

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/03/2023 05:54

I’m glad it’s worked out. However, I don’t think he was manipulating you because otherwise he’d not have apologised for his behaviour numerous times. It sounds as though he’s lacking self esteem and doesn’t get all social boundaries. He’s then trying too hard. The reassurance, I’m not reading as manipulation, but genuinely trying to reassure you because in your shoes, he’d feel bad and he is struggling to see you don’t.

It's been explained before but manipulators do this to show you the behaviour they expect from you. This plus the repeated telling her not to worry about being late, when she wasn't worried, could be him training her to worry and over apologise.

It might not be this, he might just be a bit odd. But this plus the OPs gut reaction are a very good reason to stay away from him.

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