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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to leave first thing tomorrow?

142 replies

darshun · 11/03/2023 20:21

I've been dating a guy for a while and today I realised it's not working for me:

I suspect he might be love bombing me. He pours on compliments (even though I've told him many times it make me uncomfortable).

Mid-sentence he'll interrupt me to tell me how much he likes me or how beautiful I look, and I can't stand it.

He dozed off on the sofa and apologised when he woke up. I told him it didn't bother me in the slightest. He then went on to apologise profusely, at random intervals, for the next two hours until I lost my temper and told him to stop. It was bizarre.

Similarly, I was running late to meet him and he kept assuring me (again, at random intervals) that I shouldn't feel bad about the fact I'd been running late. I hadn't said I'd felt bad about it (apart from initially apologising of course). It was like he was telling me how I felt (????). So odd.

It all feels either extremely manipulative or extremely immature but either way it's gross.

I've noticed it somewhat in the past with but never to this extent.

The problem is he was meant to sleep over at my house. It's the middle of the night where I am (not U.K.). He's now asleep in my bed and all I want to do is wake him up and ask him to leave. I should've asked him not to stay over at all but he doesn't live nearby and didn't bring the car (public transport not running at this time).

Would it be reasonable to wake him up at around 7am and ask him to leave then? I've put myself in the spare room meanwhile.

And how on earth do I say "morning! I've just realised you're a twat so please leave immediately"??)?

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 11/03/2023 21:56

Calling him a twat is a bit harsh, as is booting him out first thing just because you've randomly decided he's not for you. He's not acting like a twat from what you say, you're just irritated by him. Be a grown up about it

I agree.

Sodullincomparison · 11/03/2023 21:58

I think the poster who says you’re feeling unwell if he asks about the move to the spare room and that you don’t want to pass anything on.

Then end it from a distance.

Grapewrath · 11/03/2023 22:00

Suggest a nice Costa or going for breakfast early and make your excuses to leave after.
Get him out of your house and break up from a distance he sounds slightly unhinged

Original poster
darshun · 11/03/2023 22:02

MissMaple82 · 11/03/2023 21:48

Calling him a twat is a bit harsh, as is booting him out first thing just because you've randomly decided he's not for you. He's not acting like a twat from what you say, you're just irritated by him. Be a grown up about it

I'm not sure on this.

Saying 'hey, just so you know, you don't need to keep feeling bad about being late to meet me earlier today....', multiple times, out the blue, when I hadn't even mentioned it, feels like it has some kind of untoward intention.

I may be wrong but it felt really manipulative.

OP posts:
Sugarfish · 11/03/2023 22:04

Cocobutt · 11/03/2023 21:56

Calling him a twat is a bit harsh, as is booting him out first thing just because you've randomly decided he's not for you. He's not acting like a twat from what you say, you're just irritated by him. Be a grown up about it

I agree.

Hard to tell if he’s being a twat without witnessing his behaviour, but it sound like he’s one to me! Interrupting someone to tell them they’re beautiful seems like a compliment but really what he’s doing is shutting her down. That with telling her how to feel makes me think he’s got a controlling side. He might not go easy!

SchoolTripDrama · 11/03/2023 22:05

darshun · 11/03/2023 20:21

I've been dating a guy for a while and today I realised it's not working for me:

I suspect he might be love bombing me. He pours on compliments (even though I've told him many times it make me uncomfortable).

Mid-sentence he'll interrupt me to tell me how much he likes me or how beautiful I look, and I can't stand it.

He dozed off on the sofa and apologised when he woke up. I told him it didn't bother me in the slightest. He then went on to apologise profusely, at random intervals, for the next two hours until I lost my temper and told him to stop. It was bizarre.

Similarly, I was running late to meet him and he kept assuring me (again, at random intervals) that I shouldn't feel bad about the fact I'd been running late. I hadn't said I'd felt bad about it (apart from initially apologising of course). It was like he was telling me how I felt (????). So odd.

It all feels either extremely manipulative or extremely immature but either way it's gross.

I've noticed it somewhat in the past with but never to this extent.

The problem is he was meant to sleep over at my house. It's the middle of the night where I am (not U.K.). He's now asleep in my bed and all I want to do is wake him up and ask him to leave. I should've asked him not to stay over at all but he doesn't live nearby and didn't bring the car (public transport not running at this time).

Would it be reasonable to wake him up at around 7am and ask him to leave then? I've put myself in the spare room meanwhile.

And how on earth do I say "morning! I've just realised you're a twat so please leave immediately"??)?

Sorry but YABVU if you wake him up in the middle of the night just because he's trying a bit too hard! Why are you falling over yourself not to just discuss it with him!?

You've decided yourself that it must be manipulation or some other toxicity when he may just be besotted with you and trying a bit too hard! Surely having a chat with him and asking him to chill out would be the logical first step?
Fair enough if you've got 'the ick' - end it first thing in the morning. But to wake him up in the middle of the night just because you've changed your mind is beyond cruel and says a lot more about you than it does him. Even if your suspicions are right and he's trying to manipulate you. The fact is he hasn't done anything wrong enough to warrant forcing him to wake up, hurriedly get dressed whilst confused and probably very upset and then booting him out the house in the middle of the night. Jesus Christ Biscuit

mackthepony · 11/03/2023 22:06

Oh God don't break up with him this morning, just say yeah, see you later.

Then next time he texts say you're busy, etc.

SchoolTripDrama · 11/03/2023 22:06

smellyflowers · 11/03/2023 21:16

Gather up his things in the morning - say oops you forgot this. I think at about 8-9 you can say I really must get on I'm visiting my auntie today or something like that.

I agree break up from a distance with this one. He sounds a little scary.

Scary?! Because he apologised a bit too much and gave a few unnecessary compliments. Wow poor bloke

SchoolTripDrama · 11/03/2023 22:14

@darshun Saying 'hey, just so you know, you don't need to keep feeling bad about being late to meet me earlier today....', multiple times, out the blue, when I hadn't even mentioned it, feels like it has some kind of untoward intention.

This sounds like just the sort of thing my Autistic relative would've said. Just didn't understand social cues! Had to occasionally be told "Hey no I'm not feeling bad don't worry!" Then straight back to previous conversation. No big deal at all. Not bloody 'manipulative' 🙄 I'm not armchair diagnosing anybody, just pointing out similarities and therefore a possibility, that's all.

My DD has Autism and I am so very worried about her future as an autistic adult when I see such judgement from people day to day. Not just from OP, but in general. People are soooo intensively hyper critical of others' behaviours these days. It's so sad.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 11/03/2023 22:17

I'd just go "oh my god, you would not BELIEVE the farts I was doing last night. They absolutely stank, I think I must have eaten something bad. Honestly, each one just BURNED. So I thought it best to sleep next door."

Grin
Puffalicious · 11/03/2023 22:19

SchoolTripDrama · 11/03/2023 22:06

Scary?! Because he apologised a bit too much and gave a few unnecessary compliments. Wow poor bloke

Show quote history

This.

You have the ick - fair enough- but be an adult about it. Like PP have said, say you're feeling ill and get him to leave when he wakes up. He's not for you, doesn't mean he's manipulative or scary. He might be a bit OTT, so get rid, but in a logical, calm way. I'm a bit 😒at the hysteria!

WitheringTights000 · 11/03/2023 22:21

Safety first op......I wouldn't tell him it isn't working in person incase he turns nasty

Make an excuse to get him out and then end it from a distance

sunshineandshowers40 · 11/03/2023 22:26

I would wait for him to naturally leave before lunch and then send a message. Look after yourself OP

namechangetheworld · 11/03/2023 22:29

Some of these replies are bordering on hysteria. Feigning a middle-of-the-night emergency? Kicking him out and locking the doors?!

If a woman's new boyfriend woke her up, dumped her and kicked her out of his house you would all be up in arms, because it's a revolting way to treat somebody. Just break up with him tomorrow after he's home.

Followtheyellowbrickroads · 11/03/2023 22:29

I would do as a pp said and say you went in the spare room as you were ill (I’d say vomiting actually) In the morning, I’d still continue acting like you were going to be sick again/feeling really rough…surely he’d take the cue and leave you to rest 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’d then leave it a few days of not seeing each other and then finish it.

OhwhyOY · 11/03/2023 22:29

I'd just do the made up emergency thing, say you need to go and hurry him out the door. Then tell him via phone or text you're not interested. Sounds like he'd be hard work during an in-person break up chat.

Aweebitpainful · 11/03/2023 22:30

You’re not in the midlands are you? I was recently talking to a guy very much like this.

I know what you mean. It’s just over the top. He was a very intense bloke and something just didn’t sit right with me… but it’s hard to explain to people because he’s apologising and saying nice things to you… So everyone will think what’s so bad about that?

but there was just something that wasn’t right about it. I couldn’t put my finger on it.

He then shortly after started messaging my close friends for more information about me and I called time and asked him not to contact me again.

It was off from the start and I should have listened to my gut.

I wouldn’t kick him out in the middle of the night. I would make sure he couldn’t come into the room. I would pretend I was ill
the next morning and shortly after end it remotely.

Aweebitpainful · 11/03/2023 22:33

^^ not the midlands because you aren’t in the U.K. lol. Sorry. I stand by what I say though. If something doesn’t feel right, then it’s not. Take care of yourself

Annoyingwurringnoise · 11/03/2023 22:35

This reply has been deleted

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BlüeöysterCunt · 11/03/2023 22:40

He sounds extremely full-on and creepy. I can completely understand why you feel so uncomfortable having him in your house.

I would wait until he wakes up and tell him you have stuff to do. And if he leaves anything 'by accident' just post it to him.

crispbasil · 11/03/2023 22:41

Saying 'hey, just so you know, you don't need to keep feeling bad about being late to meet me earlier today....', multiple times, out the blue, when I hadn't even mentioned it, feels like it has some kind of untoward intention.

@darshun I guess he's trying to make you feel guilty? He sounds manipulative to me.

declutteringmymind · 11/03/2023 22:42

No need to be impolite. I'd say I wasn't feeling that great and be a bit off with him hoping that he'd do a bunk. Let him leave and then dump him.

I think if you try and fake a reason or lie it will just back fire - an emergency he will help you, a migraine, he will stay and look after you.

Another way is to say lets go out for an early breakfast somewhere near his house and feign an early reason to leave.

CarpetSlipper · 11/03/2023 22:43

Bit callous to wake him up at 7am and kick him out because you feel love bombed. Wait until he wakes up at least.

Astralitzia · 11/03/2023 22:54

You can't kick someone out of your house in the middle of the night with no way to get home when they haven't done anything to warrant it.

Wake him up in the morning, tell him you need him to leave (whether you make up an excuse to go with this is up to you), then give him a call later and tell him it's not working out.

If he's left anything at yours just post it or go and leave it on his doorstep next week.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 11/03/2023 22:58

Based upon what the OP has said, saying 'I feel ill' would be the WORST thing she could do, because he'll insist on staying with her to look after her, stroke her hair etc. Just invent a family crisis (oh my god, Aunt Ruth had a fall) at about nineish, usher him out of the door, say you might be bit out of contact because of having to be with poor aunt Ruth, then gently close down contact.
If he asks directly, say 'I've just got so much going on at the moment, sorry.'
Do not pretend to be ill. That gives him an 'in'.