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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to leave first thing tomorrow?

142 replies

darshun · 11/03/2023 20:21

I've been dating a guy for a while and today I realised it's not working for me:

I suspect he might be love bombing me. He pours on compliments (even though I've told him many times it make me uncomfortable).

Mid-sentence he'll interrupt me to tell me how much he likes me or how beautiful I look, and I can't stand it.

He dozed off on the sofa and apologised when he woke up. I told him it didn't bother me in the slightest. He then went on to apologise profusely, at random intervals, for the next two hours until I lost my temper and told him to stop. It was bizarre.

Similarly, I was running late to meet him and he kept assuring me (again, at random intervals) that I shouldn't feel bad about the fact I'd been running late. I hadn't said I'd felt bad about it (apart from initially apologising of course). It was like he was telling me how I felt (????). So odd.

It all feels either extremely manipulative or extremely immature but either way it's gross.

I've noticed it somewhat in the past with but never to this extent.

The problem is he was meant to sleep over at my house. It's the middle of the night where I am (not U.K.). He's now asleep in my bed and all I want to do is wake him up and ask him to leave. I should've asked him not to stay over at all but he doesn't live nearby and didn't bring the car (public transport not running at this time).

Would it be reasonable to wake him up at around 7am and ask him to leave then? I've put myself in the spare room meanwhile.

And how on earth do I say "morning! I've just realised you're a twat so please leave immediately"??)?

OP posts:
Echobelly · 11/03/2023 22:58

Agree with suggestion not to get him up early, as that creates unnecessary drama - and as some have said, could give room for him to be manipulative (and/or start tediously apologising) - but invent some reason you have to leave. You could even get someone to phone you if you want to make it look extra realistic, and then let him down from a distance.

Jellifulfruit · 11/03/2023 23:01

Nah that last sentence made me HOWL 😂😂😂

FlutterShite · 11/03/2023 23:04

The interrupting thing is vile and it's not sustainable in a relationship. My father used to do this to me. We'd be out for dinner, I'd be talking about something important to me, he'd get a soppy look on his face and interrupt me with, 'You're beautiful, you know.' It's not a compliment to be told what I'm saying is worthless fluff, and for someone to think that the most important thing to me is to hear that I'm 'beautiful'. Sod off.

FlutterShite · 11/03/2023 23:07

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 11/03/2023 22:58

Based upon what the OP has said, saying 'I feel ill' would be the WORST thing she could do, because he'll insist on staying with her to look after her, stroke her hair etc. Just invent a family crisis (oh my god, Aunt Ruth had a fall) at about nineish, usher him out of the door, say you might be bit out of contact because of having to be with poor aunt Ruth, then gently close down contact.
If he asks directly, say 'I've just got so much going on at the moment, sorry.'
Do not pretend to be ill. That gives him an 'in'.

Oh totally this. He'd love to think you're ill and that he can be your hero.

ChellyT · 11/03/2023 23:09

Be up and ready by 7am, sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea/coffee. When soon to be history gets up explain that you'd forgotten that you had a few things to do and need to get moving ASAP... sorry not sorry but you have to go, I have to go, we have to go.

Call them later and let them know that you've come to the realisation that you need to work on yourself a lot more before stepping into a relationship. Should they resist or say they have things that they left at your apartment. Arrange a neutral place where you can leave their property.

ChellyT · 11/03/2023 23:15

SchoolTripDrama · 11/03/2023 22:06

Scary?! Because he apologised a bit too much and gave a few unnecessary compliments. Wow poor bloke

Show quote history

I'm taking it that you have never been or seen 'love bombing'? It is cruel, degrading and emotionally abusive. Poor bloke?

OldFan · 11/03/2023 23:21

I had a night like that @darshun , I couldn't wait for the bloke to leave, it felt like an age. People seem to have staying the night as a thing now to the extent it never was in the past (I understand that with your one it's the circumstances.)

I agree with PP's, dump when he's no longer there, it'll be much easier.

Then do something nice tomorrow to make up for it x

Sosadsolangafter · 11/03/2023 23:26

Personally, is last him wake up normal time, have breakfast together (maybe go out for it if you want him out quicker), then dump him in person.

I don't think it's right personally to dump someone by text or phone unless there is abuse involved or is impractical to do it any other way (ie because of long distance) unless it's literally the first few dates.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 11/03/2023 23:29

Does it really matter? For the record, based the OP’s comments I don’t see him being scary or tossing red flags out. But that being said, if the OP wants to end it she wants to end it. (OP, you don’t have to justify this to us, him, or even yourself… if that’s how you feel that’s ok).

All of that being said… yeah it is kind of shitty to wake someone up and tell them to leave. Be a grown up… have breakfast secure in the knowledge it’s over and wish him well on his way. When you’ve gotten a little space then then let him know you’re not interested.

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/03/2023 23:31

I would gather all his stuff and put it in a bag by the front door. Then I'd get my mum to call me at 9 am and ask me to come round. I wouldn't dump him face-to-face.

NotDeborahMeadan · 11/03/2023 23:32

Trust your instincts and be safe. He's not respecting you.

Cocobutt · 11/03/2023 23:39

Some of these replies are bordering on hysteria. Feigning a middle-of-the-night emergency? Kicking him out and locking the doors?!

If a woman's new boyfriend woke her up, dumped her and kicked her out of his house you would all be up in arms, because it's a revolting way to treat somebody. Just break up with him tomorrow after he's home.

I agree.
I can imagine the uproar if OP was a man who he’d been dating and then in the middle of the night decided he didn’t like and wanted to kick her out because she was being too nice to him.

OP has got the ick and is being a bit childish about it.

If he was that bad she wouldn’t have kept seeing him and invited him over to stay the night tonight.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2023 23:43

He sounds dreadful. I'll come over to your house and break up with him for you, that's how much I want you to be rid of him.

Sshiamreading · 11/03/2023 23:48

Cocobutt · 11/03/2023 21:56

Calling him a twat is a bit harsh, as is booting him out first thing just because you've randomly decided he's not for you. He's not acting like a twat from what you say, you're just irritated by him. Be a grown up about it

I agree.

yep, I’d be horrified if anyone treated me like that.

BlueSeaWave · 11/03/2023 23:51

People are being dicks. A new guy has made you feel uncomfortable. You can leave him for any reason. Why are women telling another woman to consider a man’s feelings and stick with him as he might be nice? Surely you can leave for any reason you want.
I would go down the I have an appointment at 8am route to get him gone. You can then break up with him over text if you’re worried. Or at the very least text a Friend to explain what’s going on and call you after 20mins

OldFan · 11/03/2023 23:52

If he was that bad she wouldn’t have kept seeing him and invited him over to stay the night tonight.

A woman can not realise a bloke is awful, and then eventually realize he's awful.

OldFan · 11/03/2023 23:56

I think breaking up in person is actually more painful, even for the person being dumped.

It's not like they can ever talk the dumper round, successfully beg etc; or if they do, it's usually only temporary. And you have to be in the prescence of someone while they're rejecting you. Not fun. I'd much rather get a text if it were me I think.

Astralitzia · 11/03/2023 23:56

BlueSeaWave · 11/03/2023 23:51

People are being dicks. A new guy has made you feel uncomfortable. You can leave him for any reason. Why are women telling another woman to consider a man’s feelings and stick with him as he might be nice? Surely you can leave for any reason you want.
I would go down the I have an appointment at 8am route to get him gone. You can then break up with him over text if you’re worried. Or at the very least text a Friend to explain what’s going on and call you after 20mins

Has anyone on this thread said not to break up with him? The thread seems to be in universal agreement that she SHOULD leave him,

Lolabear38 · 11/03/2023 23:57

Cocobutt · 11/03/2023 23:39

Some of these replies are bordering on hysteria. Feigning a middle-of-the-night emergency? Kicking him out and locking the doors?!

If a woman's new boyfriend woke her up, dumped her and kicked her out of his house you would all be up in arms, because it's a revolting way to treat somebody. Just break up with him tomorrow after he's home.

I agree.
I can imagine the uproar if OP was a man who he’d been dating and then in the middle of the night decided he didn’t like and wanted to kick her out because she was being too nice to him.

OP has got the ick and is being a bit childish about it.

If he was that bad she wouldn’t have kept seeing him and invited him over to stay the night tonight.

100% agree with this.

Yes, love bombing can sometimes be used
manipulatively. However absolutely not always. Let’s not just immediately jump to the conclusion that this bloke is ‘vile’, abusive, disrespectful?! Maybe he just thinks saying and doing nice things for someone is exactly that… nice?! He’s obviously read the room wrong and OP has got the ick from it but let’s not get carried away and vilify him.

Treat him respectfully. Let him wake up when he wakes up, get dressed and then sit him down and explain it’s not working out for you. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and a guy waking you up early, dumping you and asking you to leave asap because you give him the ick?! I’ve got a feeling the responses to him would also be vile and disrespectful. Mumsnet is crazy sometimes.

Fatmamslim · 11/03/2023 23:59

INTUITION.

Christ sake, some of these replies. OP feels something is off in her gut. It's been nagging her and now she's finally realising why all these things are bothering her so badly. At best, it's ick. At worst it's her intuition telling her he's a walking red flag.

Head over to relationship boards and the replies are "ah yes.. this is how it started with me..."

She needs no excuse. Chucking him out at night with no transport if he poses no immediate threat is indeed harsh, but I think now her brains caught up with her body this immediate need to create real distance is real.

Emergency first thing OP. Take him home if needs be. Call a day later and make up some bs about it being you not him so he doesn't convince you otherwise and then block.

Posyapocalypse · 12/03/2023 00:03

In you’d shoes OP I think I’d act the girlfriend part and then after he’s left send the text to finish it. If you tell him whilst he’s still in your house, could he turn nasty?

I agree with this unless you feel in any way unsafe with him in the house until then. I’d definitely be breaking up after he’s left your home. Ask a friend to ring (slipped on ice and needs taking to A&E; is unwell and needs you look after her dc/get some shopping/pick up a prescription etc. ) Once he’s gone you can wait a few hours and end it with him. Good luck.

Smineusername · 12/03/2023 00:11

Trust your instincts

Trader22 · 12/03/2023 00:19

OP, take accountability for the fact that for whatever reason this guy just isn't the one for you. There's nothing wrong with that but don't make him out to be the bad guy because you aren't a match with his personality. It's not your fault but it's also not his fault.

Treat him with decency, kindness and respect - basically the way you'd want to be treated if you were about to get dumped.

So no, you shouldn't kick him out in the middle of the night. No, you shouldn't wake him up at 7am to kick him out either.

When you get up, tell him, nicely - that you've got to end your date because 'insert whatever excuse - errand, work deadline, friend in need etc'.

And let him leave with some ounce of dignity.

Then later or tomorrow - either on the telephone or meet in person (somewhere neutral) explain to him that the relationship isn't working for you. If he asks why - then you give him the feedback - I don't want to hurt your feelings but if I'm honest you're coming on too strong for me and I'm not feeling the same way about you, so I think the fairest thing to do is to stop dating/break-up.

You'll feel better about being a straight forward sort of woman about it.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 12/03/2023 00:29

Trader22 · 12/03/2023 00:19

OP, take accountability for the fact that for whatever reason this guy just isn't the one for you. There's nothing wrong with that but don't make him out to be the bad guy because you aren't a match with his personality. It's not your fault but it's also not his fault.

Treat him with decency, kindness and respect - basically the way you'd want to be treated if you were about to get dumped.

So no, you shouldn't kick him out in the middle of the night. No, you shouldn't wake him up at 7am to kick him out either.

When you get up, tell him, nicely - that you've got to end your date because 'insert whatever excuse - errand, work deadline, friend in need etc'.

And let him leave with some ounce of dignity.

Then later or tomorrow - either on the telephone or meet in person (somewhere neutral) explain to him that the relationship isn't working for you. If he asks why - then you give him the feedback - I don't want to hurt your feelings but if I'm honest you're coming on too strong for me and I'm not feeling the same way about you, so I think the fairest thing to do is to stop dating/break-up.

You'll feel better about being a straight forward sort of woman about it.

You articulated what I was trying to say much more clear.

Sshiamreading · 12/03/2023 00:37

Trader22 · 12/03/2023 00:19

OP, take accountability for the fact that for whatever reason this guy just isn't the one for you. There's nothing wrong with that but don't make him out to be the bad guy because you aren't a match with his personality. It's not your fault but it's also not his fault.

Treat him with decency, kindness and respect - basically the way you'd want to be treated if you were about to get dumped.

So no, you shouldn't kick him out in the middle of the night. No, you shouldn't wake him up at 7am to kick him out either.

When you get up, tell him, nicely - that you've got to end your date because 'insert whatever excuse - errand, work deadline, friend in need etc'.

And let him leave with some ounce of dignity.

Then later or tomorrow - either on the telephone or meet in person (somewhere neutral) explain to him that the relationship isn't working for you. If he asks why - then you give him the feedback - I don't want to hurt your feelings but if I'm honest you're coming on too strong for me and I'm not feeling the same way about you, so I think the fairest thing to do is to stop dating/break-up.

You'll feel better about being a straight forward sort of woman about it.

This 💯 I’m not one to defend men usually but the lack of empathy and consideration for this man as an individual deserving of basic decency is scary. It sounds like OP has go the ick rather than she thinks she’s in any immediate danger so there’s no need for all these dramatic and extreme suggestions.