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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put family above partner re milestone birthday holiday

130 replies

Mal75 · 10/03/2023 12:38

My partner is coming up to a milestone birthday next year and really wants to do a big expensive vacation.

When we started planning it, it was intended just to be us, however when I mentioned it in passing to my mum she basically invited herself and mentioned it to my siblings on the same day so now it's been turned into a potential family vacation. At the time, I was so taken aback that I didn't say anything to indicate that it was just a trip for us.

Our family has been through a lot, lots of illness and my dad died suddenly fairly recently. My parents would do lots of cool trips together, and we would also do regular cool trips as a family, including my partner. Also the place we were going to go to has some family connections and was always somewhere my parents wanted to visit but didn't get a chance to before dad died.

Also my family have been my absolute rock through previous hard times for me and I would never want them to feel excluded or uncomfortable and I'm worried it will break my mom's heart to say it's just us as she is always asking about the trip now and basically has nobody to go on holiday with unless it's a family holiday. I'm worried it could change the family dynamic.

Unfortunately my partner was really disappointed with this turn of events and said they wanted it to be just us and that it wasn't something they would want to do even with their family. They said even if it was, their dad has health issues and can't travel far. So it wasn't fair for my family to come on her birthday trip if their family couldn't.

My compromise was that we do something else for the milestone birthday and go on the intended trip with my family at a future date which my partner seemed happy with.

I thought we resolved it as they said they were happy to go on the trip another time and include my family. There were other factors at play anyway such as money and it wasn't clear we could have done the trip anyway. But this has now changed and we might be able to afford it.

Last night my partner was drunk and said how upset they were about it all because that was the only way they wanted to spend their big birthday but they feel it's been taken away from them for fear of upsetting my family. They also said they would have to be diplomatic with my family going forward as they're so annoyed by it all.

I explained my position again and I thought my compromise was good and didn't really know what to say but now I'm feeling like I'm being unreasonable by insisting on my compromise suggestion. I'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:
CleaningOutMyCloset · 10/03/2023 14:39

I'm with your DP, if my dh had down this to me, regardless of getting on well with them I'd be gutted.

You need to do your trip with you DP as planned and your family holiday can be done at a later date.

Brefugee · 10/03/2023 14:50

Yes - the problem is that it's the same place my mum really wants to go to as well, and had planned to go with my dad before he died so it's a loaded issue, and they have family connections there. Also it is kind of a once in a lifetime trips that our family would usually go on. It is fixable but will take some difficult conversations. I completely accept it's all my fault for not nipping it in the bud and now it's a mess, I just didn't know what to say at the time. :( I just didn't realize how upset my partner was

you need a period of quiet reflection about how you allowed your DPs holiday to get dumped on like this. And in all this bullshitting around never thought to say "oh let's bring your family too"

don't faff about with flowery messages to your family. A short mea culpa along the lines of "sorry, i overstepped. We're doing this trip alone. Sorry for causing this confusion and hurt"

and that is it. No dumping on the DP. No appeasing your mum, sad as it is that she never got to go to this place with her own DH.

Nevergonnastop · 10/03/2023 15:06

I'm totally in the minority here, but if I was your partner I wouldnt have a problem with this at all. I'd be happy to do it as a group. But I understand all families have different dynamics, and judging by the responses on here most families are not this way.

Can you do the trip twice? With your partner as per the original plan, and then back with your Mum? I don't think you've been any of the things that people in these replies are calling you, but hey that's Mumsnet!

Original poster
Mal75 · 10/03/2023 15:10

Nevergonnastop · 10/03/2023 15:06

I'm totally in the minority here, but if I was your partner I wouldnt have a problem with this at all. I'd be happy to do it as a group. But I understand all families have different dynamics, and judging by the responses on here most families are not this way.

Can you do the trip twice? With your partner as per the original plan, and then back with your Mum? I don't think you've been any of the things that people in these replies are calling you, but hey that's Mumsnet!

Thank you so much for your compassion. It was a stupid mistake and a lesson learned. I'm planning to have the conversation with my mum, really apologise to my partner and offer to do the trip again at some future point as a family.

OP posts:
Nevergonnastop · 10/03/2023 15:12

Mal75 · 10/03/2023 15:10

Thank you so much for your compassion. It was a stupid mistake and a lesson learned. I'm planning to have the conversation with my mum, really apologise to my partner and offer to do the trip again at some future point as a family.

Show quote history

No worries. AIBU is a nasty place at times. It would make me reluctant to post and ask for help as I always see the posts making people feel much worse by the end of them! x

NotMeNoNo · 10/03/2023 15:15

We had a similar situation where an all-family holiday inisted on by PILs wiped out the chance for DP to celebrate his 50th. It was a nightmare trip and we'll never get that occasion back. Better a difficult conversation now than the ramifications later.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/03/2023 15:18

I agree that sounds like a reverse. This is your in-laws?

jemimapuddlepluck · 10/03/2023 15:26

Nevergonnastop · 10/03/2023 15:06

I'm totally in the minority here, but if I was your partner I wouldnt have a problem with this at all. I'd be happy to do it as a group. But I understand all families have different dynamics, and judging by the responses on here most families are not this way.

Can you do the trip twice? With your partner as per the original plan, and then back with your Mum? I don't think you've been any of the things that people in these replies are calling you, but hey that's Mumsnet!

I adore my in laws. All of them. We are all going on a group holiday in May. However, it is the OP's partners milestone birthday and the OP had no right to include his family on the trip, then convincing her to "comprimise". We are allowed to have our own wants. I want to go see the northern lights with my DH, I would not be happy if he allowed his family to invite themselves along with us then just telling me this is how it is and I need to compromise.
The suggestion to go back with family is the best compromise!

Nevergonnastop · 10/03/2023 15:28

jemimapuddlepluck · 10/03/2023 15:26

I adore my in laws. All of them. We are all going on a group holiday in May. However, it is the OP's partners milestone birthday and the OP had no right to include his family on the trip, then convincing her to "comprimise". We are allowed to have our own wants. I want to go see the northern lights with my DH, I would not be happy if he allowed his family to invite themselves along with us then just telling me this is how it is and I need to compromise.
The suggestion to go back with family is the best compromise!

Show quote history

Which is why I said if I was your partner I'd be fine with this. I'm not their partner and their partner is not fine with this. That is fully understandable. The world would be so grey if we all had the same opinions.

Lovelyring · 10/03/2023 15:39

My boyfriend's mother hijacked a holiday we'd planned for the two of us to celebrate me finishing Finals. I couldn't stand the woman at the best of times and having three of us there would have been ridiculous. It was a one bed accommodation!

He ended up taking mommy instead of me. I never actually got over it and still think we should have gone together and he could have gone with mommy some other time.

We broke up later but I would be gutted if I was your partner.

ActDottie · 10/03/2023 15:45

YABU! Majorly so!

Gensola · 10/03/2023 15:51

Surely this cannot be for real? If I were your DP you’d be an ex!

Tandora · 10/03/2023 15:52

Nevergonnastop · 10/03/2023 15:06

I'm totally in the minority here, but if I was your partner I wouldnt have a problem with this at all. I'd be happy to do it as a group. But I understand all families have different dynamics, and judging by the responses on here most families are not this way.

Can you do the trip twice? With your partner as per the original plan, and then back with your Mum? I don't think you've been any of the things that people in these replies are calling you, but hey that's Mumsnet!

I agree with this. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all OP, especially given your mother’s recent bereavement and the fact that it was a place of significant she intended to go with her late husband. I think it would be cruel to uninvited her at this stage and go to that place of significance to her with your DP instead. I can understand why your DP is annoyed, but a birthday is just a birthday, and your compromise sounds reasonable. I think your DP can move past it. Alternatively, why not do the trip twice x

pasta4metonight · 10/03/2023 15:55

There is NO WAY I'd let anyone hijack my big birthday holiday, NOT HAPPENING!

Quveas · 10/03/2023 16:08

I'm sorry but I think this is a case of "in vino veritas" - your partner hated your compromise and only agreed to it because it wasn't a compromise, it was a done deal you'd already arranged with your family. If my partner invited their entire family on my special trip, regardless of who suggested it, I'd be furious. It's down to you to fix this.

WildFlowerBees · 10/03/2023 16:11

You tell your family you made a mistake, you knew your dp wanted to go as a couple but chose the easy option at the time, again you're very sorry and leave it at that. How your family choose to respond is really not your responsibility.

BIWI · 10/03/2023 16:25

But this isn't the case @Tandora:

a birthday is just a birthday

The OP has said it's a milestone birthday, so one earmarked for a special celebration

Tinkerbyebye · 10/03/2023 16:26

Sorry I am with the partner. You only get that birthday once, they said what they wanted to do, you opened your mouth and family invited themselves and you didn’t stop them

you need to go back to your family, explain YOU shouldn’t have agreed, you are going just with your partner and you can sort a family vacation somewhere else

Tandora · 10/03/2023 16:28

BIWI · 10/03/2023 16:25

But this isn't the case @Tandora:

a birthday is just a birthday

The OP has said it's a milestone birthday, so one earmarked for a special celebration

Even a milestone birthday is still just a birthday. And they can still celebrate it.
OP’s mother has just lost her spouse.

BIWI · 10/03/2023 16:31

But it's not about the OP! That's the whole point! Yes, it's very sad that her/his mother is bereaved, but this is about the OP's partner. Except the OP didn't think about her/his partner and put her/his mother over her.

maddy68 · 10/03/2023 16:37

Just be honest with them. Say it's your husband's birthday and he wanted it to be just the two of you. But you and he would love to have a family weekend together at some.point to continue the celebration. Maybe a week before you go?

GoodChat · 10/03/2023 16:40

maddy68 · 10/03/2023 16:37

Just be honest with them. Say it's your husband's birthday and he wanted it to be just the two of you. But you and he would love to have a family weekend together at some.point to continue the celebration. Maybe a week before you go?

It's OP's girlfriend. They said 'she' repeatedly in the OP.

123rd · 10/03/2023 16:40

xogossipgirlxo · 10/03/2023 12:48

I would rip my husband's head off if he did something like this to me. YABU.

This

Pieceofpurplesky · 10/03/2023 16:54

Totally unreasonable and if I was your partner I would be questioning our whole relationship

Tandora · 10/03/2023 17:58

BIWI · 10/03/2023 16:31

But it's not about the OP! That's the whole point! Yes, it's very sad that her/his mother is bereaved, but this is about the OP's partner. Except the OP didn't think about her/his partner and put her/his mother over her.

The OP isn’t making it about herself, at all. OP hasn’t even said what she would like/ prefer. Far from putting herself first , OP is trying to balance the needs of her mother as a grieving widow, against the needs of her partner whose milestone birthday is coming up. Personally of the two, in the context described, I think prioritising her mother’s grief is the right call. Of course that’s not to say they can’t celebrate the partners birthday aswell.