To put family above partner re milestone birthday holiday

[Mal75]

My partner is coming up to a milestone birthday next year and really wants to do a big expensive vacation.

When we started planning it, it was intended just to be us, however when I mentioned it in passing to my mum she basically invited herself and mentioned it to my siblings on the same day so now it's been turned into a potential family vacation. At the time, I was so taken aback that I didn't say anything to indicate that it was just a trip for us.

Our family has been through a lot, lots of illness and my dad died suddenly fairly recently. My parents would do lots of cool trips together, and we would also do regular cool trips as a family, including my partner. Also the place we were going to go to has some family connections and was always somewhere my parents wanted to visit but didn't get a chance to before dad died.

Also my family have been my absolute rock through previous hard times for me and I would never want them to feel excluded or uncomfortable and I'm worried it will break my mom's heart to say it's just us as she is always asking about the trip now and basically has nobody to go on holiday with unless it's a family holiday. I'm worried it could change the family dynamic.

Unfortunately my partner was really disappointed with this turn of events and said they wanted it to be just us and that it wasn't something they would want to do even with their family. They said even if it was, their dad has health issues and can't travel far. So it wasn't fair for my family to come on her birthday trip if their family couldn't.

My compromise was that we do something else for the milestone birthday and go on the intended trip with my family at a future date which my partner seemed happy with.

I thought we resolved it as they said they were happy to go on the trip another time and include my family. There were other factors at play anyway such as money and it wasn't clear we could have done the trip anyway. But this has now changed and we might be able to afford it.

Last night my partner was drunk and said how upset they were about it all because that was the only way they wanted to spend their big birthday but they feel it's been taken away from them for fear of upsetting my family. They also said they would have to be diplomatic with my family going forward as they're so annoyed by it all.

I explained my position again and I thought my compromise was good and didn't really know what to say but now I'm feeling like I'm being unreasonable by insisting on my compromise suggestion. I'm not sure what to do.

So it's their birthday but you've made it all about you? Nice.

YABU. You should have said to your mum right off the bat that is was a holiday for you and your partner alone. Instead you've passively allowed her not only to gatecrash your partners birthday trip herself but invite the rest of the family as well. If I was your partner I'd refuse to go.

Yeah thats bang out of order.

YABU and you need to put this right ASAP by explaining to your family that this time, the invite is not extended to them.

I can see that this is a bit of a pickle to be in and whatever you do, someone is upset. That's a crap position to be in. It's happened because a) your mum was very presumptuous and b) you failed to immediately correct her the second she implied this could become a whole family trip.

Unfortunately you are going to need to don your hardhat and have a difficult conversation with your mum. Explain that this was really supposed to be a trip especially for you and your partner, to celebrate her birthday as a couple. That you didn't correct your mum initially because you didn't want to offend her, but that it's all got really out of control now and has run away with you. Without blaming your partner, you need to be firm that it's important that you deliver on your original commitment to her to celebrate her big birthday in the way she wants. Apologise for not dealing with it sooner and letting it drag on, and let your mum know that you understand she'll be upset. Perhaps you can arrange an alternative family trip at some point in the future.

YABVU to allow your family to hijack your partners birthday plans. How would you feel if it was reversed?

I’m also baffled that your family thought it was appropriate to invite themselves on someone else’s holiday. I could kind have inderstood it if it was your birthday but it’s not, it’s your partners.

You need to sort this out and let your partner celebrate their birthday in the way they wanted to and you need to explain to your family that this miscommunication is your fault so they don’t hold a grudge against your partner.

I'm sorry that your family has had a hard time recently - but what on earth does that have to do with you and your partner?!

You have made this all about you and not considered your partner at all. I'm not surprised she's annoyed.

There is no compromise to be made here. You make it clear to your family that the trip isn't happening, and it will be just you and your partner.

YABVU
How you can't see this is beyond me. Having just had my 50th, if someone did what you did, I'd be pissed off too. He wanted something. Worse still you take no responsibility for any of your actions and are really blasé. 'Oh it just happened'. No it didn't you made all of these things happen. You invited all your family to his holiday. How you can't see your wrong is staggering.

I would gently suggest that it's worth exploring the possibility that your mum's obvious comfort RE railroading you and intruding on your plans is likely connected to your people pleasing tendencies.

Without blaming your partner

There is no blame, of any kind, to be laid at the partner's door! All the fault of the OP. She is the one who gets the blame.

YABVU! you can't say your mum has no one else to go away with when you mention other siblings and she no doubt has friends too. Would you be happy if your partner announced their entire family was tagging along to your dream birthday trip?

YABVU doesn't matter about the backstory of how close you are to your family etc this trip is not about you and certainly not about them it's about your partner. The fact your DM invited herself and then other family members and you didn't immediately shut it down and then introduced a compromise that suited everyone else better than your DP is worth pointing out to you plus the fact it took them getting drunk to be able to express just how much it had upset them. Maybe you need to think about prioritising your partner's feelings and needs sometimes too not just yours and your family

Oh dear you’ve messed this one up. These sorts of things cause resentments that tend to linger for a long time.

Yabu

It's a compromise that works for you because you didn't shut it down when your Mum brought it up. Your partner gets to do 2 trips but the preferred one has been hijacked by your family which is a massive shame.

Your ‘compromise’ should have been ‘ah, Mum, this time it’s a just-us holiday for DP’s birthday celebration, but don’t worry, we’ll find something else you and I can do for a bit of a getaway’.

And I suggest this is what you now do.

If I was your Dp I would be upset and angry, wouldn’t want to go on the ‘lesser’ trip, or on the whole gathered your-family shebang.

You had no business letting your DP’s birthday trip be railroaded like that.

I know it’s hard but you need to put this right.

I can't believe you did that. It's awful. Your poor partner.

This is epically unreasonable.

if you really need to take this trip with your family, you could have taken the birthday trip with your partner and then planned a separate family vacation for a different later date, even if it was to the same destination. At no point do you even consider letting your family just tag along on your partners birthday holiday.

And I agree with others that your “compromise” was really just you and your family getting what you want.

YABMU I'm afraid!!

I don't think this is something I could get over if DH pulled this, I'd resent him for a very long time!

Absolutely!! How on earth is this a 'compromise'?!

You and your family want to go on the dream holiday your partner chose. You think it's a compromise if they come? Or are you and they that self centred you'd actually say 'no holiday unless it's what we want' and you think that's fair?!

Wow!

You've basically told your DP that they're not even allowed one day of the year (their actual birthday) where the focus can be on them and they can do what they want?

That's spectacularly selfish OP.

I agree with all the other posters - YAB totally U.

I don't understand why your husband is so against your family going? Do they not get on? I'm going against the majority and saying that unless there's an issue with your family and him then I can't see what the problem is with a group holiday to celebrate. I love my husbands family and he loves mine. We are a family when together. I'm sure there's plenty of times you can sneak off together and have a private celebration.

In your partners shoes I would find someone else to go on the trip I wanted to go on with and in future you would be less of a priority to me.