To put family above partner re milestone birthday holiday

[Mal75]

My partner is coming up to a milestone birthday next year and really wants to do a big expensive vacation.

When we started planning it, it was intended just to be us, however when I mentioned it in passing to my mum she basically invited herself and mentioned it to my siblings on the same day so now it's been turned into a potential family vacation. At the time, I was so taken aback that I didn't say anything to indicate that it was just a trip for us.

Our family has been through a lot, lots of illness and my dad died suddenly fairly recently. My parents would do lots of cool trips together, and we would also do regular cool trips as a family, including my partner. Also the place we were going to go to has some family connections and was always somewhere my parents wanted to visit but didn't get a chance to before dad died.

Also my family have been my absolute rock through previous hard times for me and I would never want them to feel excluded or uncomfortable and I'm worried it will break my mom's heart to say it's just us as she is always asking about the trip now and basically has nobody to go on holiday with unless it's a family holiday. I'm worried it could change the family dynamic.

Unfortunately my partner was really disappointed with this turn of events and said they wanted it to be just us and that it wasn't something they would want to do even with their family. They said even if it was, their dad has health issues and can't travel far. So it wasn't fair for my family to come on her birthday trip if their family couldn't.

My compromise was that we do something else for the milestone birthday and go on the intended trip with my family at a future date which my partner seemed happy with.

I thought we resolved it as they said they were happy to go on the trip another time and include my family. There were other factors at play anyway such as money and it wasn't clear we could have done the trip anyway. But this has now changed and we might be able to afford it.

Last night my partner was drunk and said how upset they were about it all because that was the only way they wanted to spend their big birthday but they feel it's been taken away from them for fear of upsetting my family. They also said they would have to be diplomatic with my family going forward as they're so annoyed by it all.

I explained my position again and I thought my compromise was good and didn't really know what to say but now I'm feeling like I'm being unreasonable by insisting on my compromise suggestion. I'm not sure what to do.

Maybe because he wants a nice holiday, just the two of them, for his special birthday and doesn't want all the in-laws traipsing along as well?

Blame!? I specifically stated "I didn't appreciate how much it meant to her". This is true and places any "blame" on the sender for misunderstanding although there doesn't need to be any blame in the first place because nothing has actually happened. Any anger felt by OP's mum is her own reaction and not the responsibility of either the OP not her partner.

I'd even argue that it HAS to be about the partner because it's HER birthday.

Anything else is writing the partner out of her own holiday arrangements. Doing this leaves an argument between OP and Mum in which OP could reasonably concede and invite family because that's what she wanted in the first place.

Tell your mother et al that you originally planned the holiday as a bonding trip with you wife only to strengthen your marriage and were not expecting anyone else to crash the party. You were taken off guard when she said she was coming , did not want to offend and did not want to explain your marriage needed ''vitalising'' (caused by work, worries, health etc).
Your mother should have not invited herself but perhaps she and others can join another time.

Be honest. You jumped the gun by mentioning it to them and really should've nipped it in the bud there and there, but you and your partner are going to do the trip alone. End of. If they really care about you, they won't kick off.

Yes blame! The nauseating we love you so much but I didn’t realise how much X wouldn’t want you to come basically screams “I love you so much and would you to come but X doesn’t want you there so I have to disinvite you”

And presumably if they were going to celebrate with any family, it would be there own, not their in-laws!

I'd be pissed off too if I was your dp.

if my partner pulled a stunt like this? I'd start packing. Don't be daft. Nobody wants to go on their big significant birthday holiday with their flippin' in-laws.

You look weak and selfish for not standing up to your mother's unreasonable request to join you on your partner's special birthday trip. You have prioritised your mother who has been totally and utterly unreasonable over your partner who has not been at all unreasonable. I just don't understand how you could think your behaviour was in any way acceptable. I have told my sons that when, or if they marry, they must put their wife before me their mother and that is the way it should be.

YABVVVVU - my worst nightmare! and I love their family but the chance to have a break as a couple to reconnect to prioritise us - yep you messed this one up. Fix it because it would be a potential crack in a dealbreaker of a relationship to me.

Really? I love my in laws, they’re great. They live abroad so we spend an extended break with them every year. For my 40th DH and I are going away together, somewhere I’ve always wanted to go. I don’t want my in laws to come, I want to spend a few days on my own with my husband. I don’t want to ‘sneak off’ to spend time with him.

You’ve behaved truly terribly. Your poor DP

YABVU - you've hijacked a special thing which your DP wanted to do and taken it away from them. that was their choice for the milestone birthday and you've prevented that. You sound extremely enmeshed with your family. You need to grow up a bit IMO.

"Hi all, we won't be able to do that family holiday this year as X and I are going to go to Y as her birthday celebration and we can't afford to do both."

That's it.

It's all about you isn't it? I feel sorry for your partner.

This is a tricky one and I do empathise with you and your family situation- I’m sorry for your loss.

However, I do agree with your partner on all parts.

I really hope you manage to resolve and find a happy medium

I’m sorry but I think you’ve messed that one up.

Just be honest with your family. It's dh special birthday, he wants it to just be you (do you have kids?) and that it would be lovely to arrange a big family holiday at another time. Did your dh want to go to a specific place?

Well done for looking to sort it out OP.

"Dear Mum and siblings, Really sorry, I think I need to backtrack a bit! When I first talked of our holiday to XXX I meant as a special romantic twoseome trip for YYY to celebrate her milestone birthday. I should have made that clearer straight away and I am sorry about that. However, more than happy to go on an alternative family break with all of us together. let's do that. Much love to everyone, sorry again for any confusion"

@CremeEggsForBreakfast Your message makes it sound as if it it is the OP's DP who has prompted the change. The whole mess has been caused by the OP, she needs to take total responsibility for that with her family and not implicate her DP AT ALL in any conversations about reversing the family holiday plan. The OP needs to make it clear that the decision to stop this as a family holiday is theirs alone.

Yes - the problem is that it's the same place my mum really wants to go to as well, and had planned to go with my dad before he died so it's a loaded issue, and they have family connections there. Also it is kind of a once in a lifetime trips that our family would usually go on. It is fixable but will take some difficult conversations. I completely accept it's all my fault for not nipping it in the bud and now it's a mess, I just didn't know what to say at the time. :( I just didn't realize how upset my partner was

YABVU. And yes, don’t dump the blame on your partner when backing out.

You could send a message along these lines:

“I want to let you know that DP and I will be taking the trip to Scarborough for their birthday together as a couple: just the two of us. I realise I gave you the impression before that we could turn DP’s special birthday trip into a wider family holiday, but that was wrong of me. It was inconsiderate of me to not focus on their milestone birthday and celebrating that together as our family unit of two. Instead I got caught up in thinking about what you wanted and I got my priorities wrong. I appreciate this will be disappointing for you, and I’m sorry for not being clear up front. I hope we can take a trip together another time, as I’d really value that too, but this one is just for me and DP.”

Yes I’d copy and paste this message. It’s perfect

This message is perfect

This is really good