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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put family above partner re milestone birthday holiday

130 replies

Mal75 · 10/03/2023 12:38

My partner is coming up to a milestone birthday next year and really wants to do a big expensive vacation.

When we started planning it, it was intended just to be us, however when I mentioned it in passing to my mum she basically invited herself and mentioned it to my siblings on the same day so now it's been turned into a potential family vacation. At the time, I was so taken aback that I didn't say anything to indicate that it was just a trip for us.

Our family has been through a lot, lots of illness and my dad died suddenly fairly recently. My parents would do lots of cool trips together, and we would also do regular cool trips as a family, including my partner. Also the place we were going to go to has some family connections and was always somewhere my parents wanted to visit but didn't get a chance to before dad died.

Also my family have been my absolute rock through previous hard times for me and I would never want them to feel excluded or uncomfortable and I'm worried it will break my mom's heart to say it's just us as she is always asking about the trip now and basically has nobody to go on holiday with unless it's a family holiday. I'm worried it could change the family dynamic.

Unfortunately my partner was really disappointed with this turn of events and said they wanted it to be just us and that it wasn't something they would want to do even with their family. They said even if it was, their dad has health issues and can't travel far. So it wasn't fair for my family to come on her birthday trip if their family couldn't.

My compromise was that we do something else for the milestone birthday and go on the intended trip with my family at a future date which my partner seemed happy with.

I thought we resolved it as they said they were happy to go on the trip another time and include my family. There were other factors at play anyway such as money and it wasn't clear we could have done the trip anyway. But this has now changed and we might be able to afford it.

Last night my partner was drunk and said how upset they were about it all because that was the only way they wanted to spend their big birthday but they feel it's been taken away from them for fear of upsetting my family. They also said they would have to be diplomatic with my family going forward as they're so annoyed by it all.

I explained my position again and I thought my compromise was good and didn't really know what to say but now I'm feeling like I'm being unreasonable by insisting on my compromise suggestion. I'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mal75 · 10/03/2023 13:18

Thanks for all of your responses so far which confirms what I was feeling. I realize I was really weak and should have nipped it in the bud at the time. Any tips on having difficult conversations with family members are welcomed!

OP posts:
Callingallbutterflies · 10/03/2023 13:18

Crikey... YABU.

lazycats · 10/03/2023 13:18

fitnessmummy · 10/03/2023 13:17

I don't understand why your husband is so against your family going? Do they not get on? I'm going against the majority and saying that unless there's an issue with your family and him then I can't see what the problem is with a group holiday to celebrate. I love my husbands family and he loves mine. We are a family when together. I'm sure there's plenty of times you can sneak off together and have a private celebration.

You don't understand why someone would prefer to go on holiday with just a partner rather than the partner and their whole family?

I think you do.

jemimapuddlepluck · 10/03/2023 13:18

YABVU. Really? Tell your DP to book her dream holiday with a friend. What a shitty thing to do.

Annasass · 10/03/2023 13:20

It’s your partners day, let them have it. Many people are going through something, but it doesn’t give your family the right to put pressure on you like this. You should’ve told them right from the start.

jemimapuddlepluck · 10/03/2023 13:21

Mal75 · 10/03/2023 13:18

Thanks for all of your responses so far which confirms what I was feeling. I realize I was really weak and should have nipped it in the bud at the time. Any tips on having difficult conversations with family members are welcomed!

Tell them it wasn't your place to invite them on a holiday for your DP's birthday, that was supposed to just be the two of you and that they can't come. Easy.

twilightcafe · 10/03/2023 13:22

Mal75 · 10/03/2023 13:18

Thanks for all of your responses so far which confirms what I was feeling. I realize I was really weak and should have nipped it in the bud at the time. Any tips on having difficult conversations with family members are welcomed!

Send it via WhatsApp. Therefore it's in writing with no room for misunderstanding.
Do it today. Get it over and done with.

jannier · 10/03/2023 13:22

funnelfan · 10/03/2023 12:54

When we started planning it, it was intended just to be us, however when I mentioned it in passing to my mum she basically invited herself and mentioned it to my siblings on the same day so now it's been turned into a potential family vacation

This is the point at which you should have shut this down. YABVU and unfair on your partner.

Absolutely this

VainAbigail · 10/03/2023 13:23

fitnessmummy · 10/03/2023 13:17

I don't understand why your husband is so against your family going? Do they not get on? I'm going against the majority and saying that unless there's an issue with your family and him then I can't see what the problem is with a group holiday to celebrate. I love my husbands family and he loves mine. We are a family when together. I'm sure there's plenty of times you can sneak off together and have a private celebration.

It’s not the ops husband. Op refers to the partner as ‘her’.

Either way op, YABU. How awful for her.

Verylongtime · 10/03/2023 13:24

I’m with your partner here, there’s no doubt. You need to go on the milestone birthday trip with just him and plan something else with your family. You haven’t compromised at all. Your “compromise” is the wrong way round.

jemimapuddlepluck · 10/03/2023 13:25

Mal75 · 10/03/2023 13:18

Thanks for all of your responses so far which confirms what I was feeling. I realize I was really weak and should have nipped it in the bud at the time. Any tips on having difficult conversations with family members are welcomed!

Also, you aren't weak, you didn't mind shitting all over you DP did you?

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 10/03/2023 13:26

Mal75 · 10/03/2023 13:18

Thanks for all of your responses so far which confirms what I was feeling. I realize I was really weak and should have nipped it in the bud at the time. Any tips on having difficult conversations with family members are welcomed!

"Hi Mum,
Listen, I've talked to [partner] and, as this is her birthday, she's asked that this time we stick to just me and her for the trip to [place]. We both love you so much and we'd really love to do this trip with you and the rest of the family another time. She appreciates how much this place means to you guys too.

I know I said you'd be invited but I didn't realise how much this particular holiday meant to her and, as it's her birthday, I'd really like to do this the way she wants to do it.

Let's get together soon and look into a family holiday for all of us!"

This works either by message or in person.

SnarkyBag · 10/03/2023 13:27

“Hi all, I know when I mentioned mine and X’s plans to take a trip you were all keen to tag along but we’ve decided to keep this a much needed couple’s break sorry I should have said something sooner rather than giving the impression it was an open invite.”

JudgeRudy · 10/03/2023 13:28

Out of order. I'm not surprised your partner is pissed off. You've discussed what he would like to so for his birthday. He's suggested a special 'treat' that's a bit pricey, but you know you'd both love it. Then you invite your family! So now he has to pay out mega money for something he doesn't really want.
The answer is simple. No ones booked anything yet....tell your parents he's already chosen somewhere and he wants it to be like a second honeymoon ie just you too. He wasn't against a family holiday another time though. In fact you were wondering...would they like a week in Spain this September.

If you darent tell them, let your OH. He could make out that even though it's his birthday he wanted a romantic treat for you too (which you didn't know).

jigsaw234 · 10/03/2023 13:28

This is fixable. Do the special thing with your partner for his birthday and be clear to your family that it's just for you and him. Done.

SnarkyBag · 10/03/2023 13:28

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 10/03/2023 13:26

"Hi Mum,
Listen, I've talked to [partner] and, as this is her birthday, she's asked that this time we stick to just me and her for the trip to [place]. We both love you so much and we'd really love to do this trip with you and the rest of the family another time. She appreciates how much this place means to you guys too.

I know I said you'd be invited but I didn't realise how much this particular holiday meant to her and, as it's her birthday, I'd really like to do this the way she wants to do it.

Let's get together soon and look into a family holiday for all of us!"

This works either by message or in person.

Show quote history

Don’t send this it basically dumps all the blame on the dp.

Rainbowshit · 10/03/2023 13:28

YABU. I'd be furious if my DH turned my big birthday holiday into an event all about his family.

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 10/03/2023 13:30

fitnessmummy · 10/03/2023 13:17

I don't understand why your husband is so against your family going? Do they not get on? I'm going against the majority and saying that unless there's an issue with your family and him then I can't see what the problem is with a group holiday to celebrate. I love my husbands family and he loves mine. We are a family when together. I'm sure there's plenty of times you can sneak off together and have a private celebration.

I love my in-laws dearly. We really do get on and I do stuff with my MIL and my SIL without my husband involved because they're lovely people!

There's a particular place that I want to go to with my DH. It's a special place to him and we planned to go for our honeymoon but COVID prevented it.

I mentioned to my ILs that I wanted to go there and they immediately suggested a family day trip.
It was a lovely idea but it's not the romantic, week-long getaway I dreamed of. I told DH, he explained to MIL, no drama.

The plans you make with family and the dynamic of the holiday are entirely different depending on who you go with - for good and for ill.
Can you really not see that?

Pallisers · 10/03/2023 13:31

I'd be so angry if DH did this. And he would be if I did it. Just tell your family that you are doing a holiday by yourselves to celebrate the birthday. End of story.

your mum was bang out of order to invite herself and your siblings along on your holiday - I can't get my head around that tbh.

popopop · 10/03/2023 13:32

I would be fuming.

Mortimercat · 10/03/2023 13:33

Mal75 · 10/03/2023 13:18

Thanks for all of your responses so far which confirms what I was feeling. I realize I was really weak and should have nipped it in the bud at the time. Any tips on having difficult conversations with family members are welcomed!

I don’t know how any (well there was just one) of these responses “confirms what you were feeling”. You have almost unanimously been told that you are being unreasonable and your “compromise” was bullshit that was all about you and your family. I hope your partner wakes up and realises that she can do better than spend their life with somebody that doesn’t give a shit about her.

Mortimercat · 10/03/2023 13:34

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 10/03/2023 13:26

"Hi Mum,
Listen, I've talked to [partner] and, as this is her birthday, she's asked that this time we stick to just me and her for the trip to [place]. We both love you so much and we'd really love to do this trip with you and the rest of the family another time. She appreciates how much this place means to you guys too.

I know I said you'd be invited but I didn't realise how much this particular holiday meant to her and, as it's her birthday, I'd really like to do this the way she wants to do it.

Let's get together soon and look into a family holiday for all of us!"

This works either by message or in person.

Show quote history

That is a great way to blame this mess wholly on the partner.

OneTC · 10/03/2023 13:34

If my OH did this I'd cancel and find something else I wanted to do. If my first choice was going on holiday with my OH my second choice definitely wouldn't be going on holiday with the whole family, I'd organise something with my friends.

MarieRoseMarie · 10/03/2023 13:35

Your family sound awful and you sound enmeshed.

Pallisers · 10/03/2023 13:35

fitnessmummy · 10/03/2023 13:17

I don't understand why your husband is so against your family going? Do they not get on? I'm going against the majority and saying that unless there's an issue with your family and him then I can't see what the problem is with a group holiday to celebrate. I love my husbands family and he loves mine. We are a family when together. I'm sure there's plenty of times you can sneak off together and have a private celebration.

you really don't understand why a couple would want to go away together. Any mention of a holiday, means the entire extended family can say "oh we'll come too!"