To have hung up the phone on my mother???

[Sapphire387]

Sometimes I think I am going crazy.

My mum has - for about the tenth time - told me that she thinks my sofa is too big and I should get a smaller one. Note- we have quite a big living room, and it's one of those corner sofas with the footrest that sticks out, and it has a matching ottoman that you can push up next to it or use as a footrest. We have three children and they like to use it as a big bed to lounge around on while they are watching TV.

Anyway... she has form for expressing unsolicited opinions about my home, career, life choices, etc, and it's getting to the point where I am really starting to dislike her for it.

She keeps saying 'I'm your mother, I'm entitled to my opinion'. I'm 37.

Now obviously if she was genuinely concerned about something like - I don't know, a safety issue or the kids' wellbeing etc, I can see why she would bring it up. But it's small things like this. And it's over and over about the same things, not just once.

Today, on the phone, I just said we have discussed this before, I'm not changing my sofa. She persisted so I said 'I have to go now, bye'.

Does everyone else's mum still do this? Is it a mum thing or is it intrusive? She's getting older but not 'old' - she's mid-sixties. I am trying so much to appreciate her good side - she can be really helpful with the kids - but this is driving me nuts and it persists, over and over.

AIBU?

@Sapphire387 I have learnt from having a Mother who could be like this. When we first got married decades ago, we bought a slightly rundown property and spent money and time doing it up. When she first saw it she was so horrible about it and I have never forgotten. She went on and on about it. I told her how much it had upset me and I thought she'd learnt from it.
A couple of minor incidents since but nothing much.

I now have DCs almost the age of you, and my god do I have to bite my tongue! I learnt from my DM's stupid comments to just not go there. I let my DCs make their own mistakes! If I get asked an opinion, I give it whilst prefacing it with "do you really want to know?!" But I don't offer one unless asked.

Seems to be a thing in the generation before us in our family.

The recipient of the"banging on" simply says "aye, you've said".

This is good or hmm, don't get drawn in, change subject, leave conversation and do what you were going to anyway.

I am a grandmother, so obviously also a Mum and MIL too.

I NEVER ever comment on any of my DDs' choices of home, decore, child rearing, clothes etc. etc. - just nothing - ever.

None of my damned business; and none of your Mum's. Tell her to butt out.

I can’t imagine telling DD what furniture she should have in her house.
Or what she should eat, wear, do, think, buy. She’s an independent adult, as are you. Your mother is weird.

“Opinions are like arseholes, Mum - everybody has one.”

DM has opinions she freely shares as well. It's not just confined to the family, she thinks she's entitled to opinions on my in-laws and how they live their lives as well...
Then she wonders why DH never visits with me. DS is going the same way as his dad.
It's very interesting when I meet up with siblings and we compare notes on her bitching.

The only opinion you are entitled to is hers.

Writing from a very active front line here, OP: I am 57, my mother is 86, and she does this all the time. Actually, it's more overt in her interactions with my father. She's on better behaviour with me these days, as she really doesn't want to create a division, which makes the moments when her essential nature, that of a furious, frightened toddler in a tantrum, breaks out, all the more destabilising.

So, on the plus side, you are not alone. On the negative side, it doesn't really stop.

I have, however, learned something really useful from this thread, which is to counter her attacks and efforts to divert, destabilise and get her own way, by throwing her off-balance with agreement! I will need to work on this because old patterns are really, really ingrained.

My mum is like that & I'm 56, a couple of years ago I had bought some new clothes & wore a new outfit when I went to visit, I said they were part of what I had bought & did she like them, got told "no I don't, you look like a tart in that" I had a knee length denim skirt & a Tshirt with a round neck on. I stopped showing her anything I have bought.

My mum does this so maybe it is an older mum thing (something else to look forward to). Mine generally starts of the opinion with "You don't want to/you would be best not...."
Yes mum I DO want a large sofa
Oh but it's 7ft long and so deep
Yes Mum, the measurements are on the website. I know what size it is.
But it's huge....a purple! You don't want a ...

At this point I revert to sarcasm
OMG....is it purple mum? Why did no one tell me.

Another favourite is when I'm explaining a problem I've had with eg Evri(!!!) She has no understanding of how things work. She'll say things like
"Well I wouldnt stand for that. You should have told them blah blah
Yes mum I did. I'm still waiting on a response
Well tell them you need to speak to a manager
Oh OK mum (sarcasm kicking in) Can you pass me Evris number please.
She's even started imagining she know best what food I like....
Go on have a slice. It's lovely
No thanks mum. I font like coffee and walnut cake.
But it's from Waitrose. It's lovely
Yes for you Mum, but I don't like it. Far too sweet too
But its supposed to be sweet. Id say it was just right.

Oh and "you'll be cold in that jacket'
No mum, I wont!

I sometimes try making a joke of it and say "Hey Mum, spoiler alert"......"Everbodys different'
Yes, unsolicited advice.....definitely on the up!

Both DH and I have an outspoken parent. Handily they are also both very knowledgeable on all subjects and wiling to share their expert opinions.
Repetition is my Dad and FIL’s specialty, it’s only getting worse with age. They were both rather controlling when we were young but obviously now it’s a bit different as we are in our forties, so talk is all they’ve got.

The couch thing is slightly comedic because a)it’s such a weird object to fixate about and b) what does DM realistically think you are going to do? I’d tell my Dad he’s starting to give the couch a complex😂

Does DM care about your welfare and well-being generally and is a kind supportive mum in other ways? My Ddad (who let’s say has an ‘executive mindset’) would sometimes help us with certain jobs but is now gettin on and isn’t fit. Recently my DH stopped what he was doing and said ‘weird doing all this without your dad shouting at me.’ We had a little giggle but DH does actually miss him being around. Stockholm syndrome, maybe, I dunno, but while it’s undoubtedly aggravating at the time and I have had to walk away/ make an excuse to go off the phone lots of times (rather than have an argument) that wee joke just made me realise that one day the DPs will be long gone and we’ll wish they were there telling us all the many many many ways we’re fucking up. Probably 😂

I'm worried about you Mum, you keep repeating yourself. Do you think you should see your GP.

No advice but my Mum and my MIL are the exact same.....argggg!

Well said, and well done.

I would find that incredibly annoying, even troubling. She clearly doesn't see you as a grown adult capable of living your own life, making your own decisions.

If she brings up the topic again, hang up again.

If she gives you grief about hanging up on her, remind her that she wasn't listening to you, and you considered further conversation to be pointless.

Unless you set really firm boundaries with people like that, they don’t learn. Be prepared for, “I’m walking on eggshells”… “I can’t say anything…” I’m only trying to help… kind of push back. You should have set firmer boundaries years ago, but it’s not too late.

It’s probably partly a dig at parenting - children shouldn’t be lounging in furnishings watching tv.
I’d just be firm we like it and aren’t changing it. If she persists maybe suggest she sees her gp you are worried she’s getting forgetful.
Sounds very trying.

My Mum died a year and a half ago and there are many, many things I miss about her but the one thing I really do not miss is her constant negative opinions on every aspect of our lives.

My moms not as bad as this but she always has to get her opinion across and it's always the opposite of what I do... say I chose to have a lamb roast she would question why I didn't pick the beef.
I just don't tell her much anymore as it grates on me.

My mum is naturally like this. Very rude and very negative with ridiculous things. Seemingly she just likes to be unkind to me. For example recently I baby sat my friends 4 children, alongside my own 2….and she says “oooooo dear. Do you think you’ll be able to cope with that”. Later in the conversation I moaned about my children’s bedrooms -“that’s because YOU didn’t teach them how to clean”.

I ignored her for 6 weeks once. That made a massive difference to how she acted towards me. I also don’t talk to her often now because I refuse to put up with the crap she says. She now makes much fewer comments to me, I think because she knows ill
happily ignore her for a month. When she does comment On something I am also now extremely rude back. For example when she said the above about me not teacher my child to clean I replied “yes we’ll out house was disgusting when I was a child wasn’t it. I suppose because you never taught me to clean I didn’t teach my kids”…….she went quiet and said her goodbyes. Sounds mean but ignoring and being rude is the only things that stop her

Totally recognise the whole 'victim mentality when confronted' thing.

It's always 'I'm not allowed to say anything anymore', etc. It's exhausting.

I get it with comparisons to other (clearly better than me 🙄) people

'oh your brother SELLS the stuff on facebook when he's done with it' (well yes, cos he likes the latest I-phone etc and keeps running out of money to buy the latest thing...) I like to use stuff til it is at the end of its life, less waste etc!

'Now you have new sofas you don't need all these old throws, you should get rid of them!'
Actually they are all blankets (that I made!) that we all love and snuggle in every evening, when we cosy up in front of the telly!

nod and ignore... nod and ignore...

From the second my mother walks into my home till the second she leaves she comments on things. I just ignore her.

My mum does this so maybe it is an older mum thing (something else to look forward to). Mine generally starts of the opinion with "You don't want to/you would be best not...."

When I was a teenager, my mother used to say things like "You don't want to go to that party, do you?" What she actually meant was "I don't want you to go to that party" - yet by taking that particular approach she effectively shifted the decision on to me. I've often wondered what would have happened if I'd said "Well, actually, yes, I do want to go". As it was, it was easier just to put up and shut up.

Ah! That's so sad, I'm sorry.

My mother has a version which is "what you want to do is...."

Well, no. That's not what I want to do, it's what you think I should do.

I rarely call her and I've blocked her number so she goes straight to voicemail. Can't bear it anymore.

Oh yes, if I dare question anything, I'm met with something along the lines of "well you always have to be right, don't you".

No actually, I don't. But I can have an opinion and it doesn't always have to be the same as yours. And just because it isn't doesn't give you the right to huff off in an over sensitive strop. You shouldn't dish out the opinions if you can have some given back to you.

And this is where I've come to over the last 15 months. Rather than calls ending with me concerned about how I've upset and finding tenuous pretexts to phone back to check she's ok, as I've been doing for the last 25 years, I call her out on is straight away. I won't let things simmer, or the subject me changed and we all move on as if nothing has happened and we're just going to carry on playing happy families as if nothing has happened. My childhood memories are scarred by my mother's tantrums and I will not take that any more.