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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have hung up the phone on my mother???

131 replies

Sapphire387 · 10/03/2023 11:59

Sometimes I think I am going crazy.

My mum has - for about the tenth time - told me that she thinks my sofa is too big and I should get a smaller one. Note- we have quite a big living room, and it's one of those corner sofas with the footrest that sticks out, and it has a matching ottoman that you can push up next to it or use as a footrest. We have three children and they like to use it as a big bed to lounge around on while they are watching TV.

Anyway... she has form for expressing unsolicited opinions about my home, career, life choices, etc, and it's getting to the point where I am really starting to dislike her for it.

She keeps saying 'I'm your mother, I'm entitled to my opinion'. I'm 37.

Now obviously if she was genuinely concerned about something like - I don't know, a safety issue or the kids' wellbeing etc, I can see why she would bring it up. But it's small things like this. And it's over and over about the same things, not just once.

Today, on the phone, I just said we have discussed this before, I'm not changing my sofa. She persisted so I said 'I have to go now, bye'.

Does everyone else's mum still do this? Is it a mum thing or is it intrusive? She's getting older but not 'old' - she's mid-sixties. I am trying so much to appreciate her good side - she can be really helpful with the kids - but this is driving me nuts and it persists, over and over.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Autocadelite · 10/03/2023 12:53

Mine is like this. I've gone grey rock :(

Mothers Day is always so difficult. I feel like I have spoil her JUST to keep the peace.

blackpearwhitelilies · 10/03/2023 12:55

My mum did this until the day dementia meant she really couldn't anymore. She would also buy pictures and ornaments and have very strong opinions about where they should be placed. She'd also try to buy my clothes for me. This carried on until my 50s. It's very damaging indeed and you are right to take a stand. My advice is not to back down. I gave into her too much because she would make my Dad's life hell if she didn't get her way.

Topseyt123 · 10/03/2023 12:55

Buy her a matching one for her birthday or Christmas. Then tell her that because she can't shut up about yours you decided that actually, she rather likes it as she clearly can't keep her eyes off it.

Seriously though, tell her to bugger off, and if you want her opinion you'll ask for it.

DashboardConfessional · 10/03/2023 13:00

Ah, it's not about the sofa, it's about not "doing as you're told". My in-laws are like this with my SiL, who is single, but they don't get away with it with us.

When we bought a house in our 20s we only told them after we had the offer accepted, as I knew they'd offer money towards it as long as they got to choose the house themselves. Would have been very hard to refuse!

Feelinglikeihadaboringnight · 10/03/2023 13:01

Some Parents seem to find it impossible to accept their children have their own lives to live.

It sounds like she’s one of those. If you just ignore her, don’t ask her advice ever on anything then hopefully she’ll get the message.
As you said ‘ I have to go now’ you didnt really
put the phone down. You politely ended the conversation.

Original poster
Sapphire387 · 10/03/2023 13:01

FadedRed · 10/03/2023 12:33

You could print this out, frame it and put it up on the wall behind the sofa. Point to it every time she feels ‘entitled’ to express and unwanted opinion.

Hahaha love it, thank you 😁

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 10/03/2023 13:02

Sapphire387 · 10/03/2023 12:31

Argh, much sympathy to you. That must have been horrible to hear, even though you know it is ridiculous. It's like there are no lines of what is appropriate to say and what isn't.

Mine is convinced my DH is scrounging off me. Having worked his whole adult life, he has taken some time out to retrain (masters degree in an area he has always loved) and do some volunteering work to help him towards this. He does the majority of household stuff.

We are lucky to be in a financial position for him to do this, and it was a joint decision between us. But no, apparently he's taking advantage.

I wish she could see how damaging it is to her relationship with me and with him when she says this.

Seems I could have written your post in my sleep, too.

Show quote history

Is she offering to buy you a new sofa?

ifIwerenotanandroid · 10/03/2023 13:03

She's entitled to her opinion, & she's entitled to keep it to herself.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 10/03/2023 13:03

YANBU for hanging up on her. The size of your sofa and its relative proportions to your living room has stuff all to do with her.

WRT your second question: no, my mother doesn’t express unwanted opinions about my home, she just character assassinates me instead. I’ve been NC with her for eight months, and fully intend to continue.

Shybutnotretiring · 10/03/2023 13:03

I have a similar mother. Once I realised she was a narcissist I started finding this sort of stuff quite funny. Either ignore or agree with her. It will floor her because that's not what she wants. She wants you to either get upset (so that she can tell you how oversensitive you are, but in a pseudo kind and caring voice) or argue about it so that she can start ranting about how wrong and shit you are.

Original poster
Sapphire387 · 10/03/2023 13:05

HJ40 · 10/03/2023 12:49

YANBU. My mother does this but usually on more important and touchy subjects like how to raise my children or how useless my (not useless but could do more) husband is.

Normally prefixed by "Now, I know you won't like me saying this but..."

My hackles and defences go up straight away.

Honestly, I think if she wasn't so good with my kids and they didn't love spending as much time with her, we'd have fallen out to the point of no contact years ago.

Oh my god, that line is familiar too! 'I know you won't like me saying this'... or similar.

It's like ok mum, so why are you saying it then?!

OP posts:
OnlyFannys · 10/03/2023 13:05

My mum is a nightmare for stuff like this and is extremely condescending towards me. Last week I stupidly let slip that I had a doctors apt and she kept calling and texting demanding to know what it was about even after I said it was personal (it was about my anxiety as it happens, which I think mostly stems from her toxic and neglectful parenting!)

Dolares · 10/03/2023 13:05

The last time I hung up on my mum (she wouldn't let something drop that we disagreed on and I couldn't get a word in anyway) she sent me a little notebook in the post and had written on the first page that this is where i could write down my grievances before hurting other people's feelings. I wish I had written 'you need this more than I do' and post it back to her. This happened when I was in my early 20s and I hadn't yet worked out that what my mum does or says isn't 'normal'.

I've been guarded with what I share ever since.

Original poster
Sapphire387 · 10/03/2023 13:07

Liverpool52 · 10/03/2023 12:41

My in-laws go one step further and actually go out and buy a replacement if they don't like something in our home. Which, as a consequence, they'e not stepped foot in for over ten years, and stuff that you could normally mention in passing to questions like "what are you doing this weekend"e.g. "decided we need a new table for the garden so going to have a look around" are firmly clamped down on as we would come home and find their preferred option delivered to our front door.

They think their way is the only way to do anything and if it isn't something they'd do or buy or invest in etc etc they attempt to harass us into doing what they want.

Bloody hell, this is awful.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 10/03/2023 13:09

"Your sofa is too big"
A "Well don't come to my house then you won't have to see it"

"I'm entitled to my opinion"
A "Of course, but I'm entitled to totally ignore it"

"Your sofa us too big"
A "oh do Fuck Off Mother you're a broken record"

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/03/2023 13:10

Oh my goodness. My dm is still like this. Gets right on my tits last nerve. Not to depress you, but I am actually early 60's. DM isn't getting any better, and probably getting worse. You don't have to listen to it, so well done.

DollyDaydream23 · 10/03/2023 13:11

I'm guessing she doesn't have a problem sitting on the sofa though?

You were respectful towards your mum but this doesn't allow her to bring your choices down. Your house, your life, your choices.

was she like this when you lived with her?

mickandrorty · 10/03/2023 13:12

not my mum but another family member, omg she has an unsolicited opinion about everything! the house is to small but she guesses we must just be used to it. I don't do the washing right, my kids uni choices, that i let my kids have pj days! my most favourite thing she does is inform me that nobody she knows does something, example: when i was breastfeeding i gave up taking my glasses off at night because i was up and down so often, she informs me nobody does that she doesn't know anybody that would sleep in their glasses! how the fuck does she know?? does she go peeping through everybody she knows windows at night to gather information for this fact?

Pallisers · 10/03/2023 13:12

My sister is a bit like this with me (her husband and daughters hold her back I think). Left to herself she is completely controlling (and it has damaged her relationship with one of her children who just couldn't take it). A typical call with her could include her telling me what to say to the guy delivering my sofa (like an actual script), what my dh should say to his doctor, how I should serve the dinner at Thanksgiving etc etc. I ignore it as much as possible or do what you do OP - "bye have to go"

A friend suggested I interrupt her and say "sorry could you slow down, I'm writing this advice/script/whatever down in my special notebook" :)

it is exhausting though. My sister has a lot of good qualities too.

PlantKi1ler · 10/03/2023 13:12

It sounds like she's quite controlling. Is she used to getting her own way? Unless she lives with you and buys the furniture in your home then I'm not sure why she thinks her opinion matters really.

Original poster
Sapphire387 · 10/03/2023 13:12

NewBabyGirl2020 · 10/03/2023 12:49

Are you me? The last few year I’ve realised my mum is controlling just like this. I’d never seen it before because I always did what she said but also I think age makes them much worse. Now I’m not doing as she says or asking her opinion on stuff, she can’t stand it and thinks something odd is going on with me. I’ve tired everything to make her stop being just like your mum but it’s impossible and they can’t see themselves for what they are really like. It’s like banging your head against a brick wall.

They feel so entitled about telling us everything they think regardless of if we want to hear it or not.

Its controlling. I’m having to step away from my mum to keep my own sanity! And the weird thing is, it’s all over small things like your sofa situation… but it’s relentless and about every decision, down to the butter I choose to buy 😅

I feel for you and we’ll done for finally realising she is like this ❤️

Aaaaah but - don't you realise she's only doing it 'because she cares about you'? 😉 Sigh. It's hard to break out of that conditioning isn't it? Well done to you.

Thank you, it's helpful to know I am not alone but of course I am sorry you are in a similar position with your mum. ❤

OP posts:
GrunkleStan · 10/03/2023 13:13

Yanbu

My mother (86) has form for saying exactly as she wants, with no filter. I think this is a thing she does with her family, as opposed to her wider friendship group.

As a consequence, her 2 dils have / had as little to do with her as possible and I have what I consider to be a superficial relationship with her.

I pulled her up this week and gave her a few home truths as she was slagging one of the dils off.

I got back:-
They're oversensitive.
I didn't do it - why are you / they saying i did?
I come from Yorkshire, I tell it as it is.
They're childish for not having anything to do with me.

All shocking, disgusting answers. Not a scrap of recognition that her behaviour has consequences and she is / was in the wrong.

I fully expect that her behaviour will never change.

Womblemumma · 10/03/2023 13:13

I think you handled it well, and that is exactly how you should handle it every time she starts going over old stuff. End the call. “Ok, that’s the conversation over now, bye mum” phone down. She has no right to tell you how to run your life and style your home, she is being rude and obnoxious- don’t listen to any of it and she will learn …eventually!

WickedStepmomNOT · 10/03/2023 13:16

FiFiWrites · Today 12:14

I think your sofa is embarrassingly tiny and it smells of cat piss.

I'm entitled to my opinion because I'm your daughter.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

BlueSeaWave · 10/03/2023 13:17

You owe her nothing. You can distance yourself and hang up whenever she does this. I bet if you look at your relationship with fresh eyes now you’ll see it is toxic and controlling as someone described

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