To have hung up the phone on my mother???

[Sapphire387]

Sometimes I think I am going crazy.

My mum has - for about the tenth time - told me that she thinks my sofa is too big and I should get a smaller one. Note- we have quite a big living room, and it's one of those corner sofas with the footrest that sticks out, and it has a matching ottoman that you can push up next to it or use as a footrest. We have three children and they like to use it as a big bed to lounge around on while they are watching TV.

Anyway... she has form for expressing unsolicited opinions about my home, career, life choices, etc, and it's getting to the point where I am really starting to dislike her for it.

She keeps saying 'I'm your mother, I'm entitled to my opinion'. I'm 37.

Now obviously if she was genuinely concerned about something like - I don't know, a safety issue or the kids' wellbeing etc, I can see why she would bring it up. But it's small things like this. And it's over and over about the same things, not just once.

Today, on the phone, I just said we have discussed this before, I'm not changing my sofa. She persisted so I said 'I have to go now, bye'.

Does everyone else's mum still do this? Is it a mum thing or is it intrusive? She's getting older but not 'old' - she's mid-sixties. I am trying so much to appreciate her good side - she can be really helpful with the kids - but this is driving me nuts and it persists, over and over.

AIBU?

Yep my mother is just the same.

Constant and toxic.

She's starting with my kids now so we're seeing her less and less. I won't have her in my house when their is alcohol involved, If she has a whiff of wine she becomes more and more opinionated and intolerable.

This is genius. I sometimes work in arbitration and complaints resolution and do the same thing. It's like judo, using the enemy's momentum against them.

Solidarity OP. My MIL does this - she lectured us for hours recently about how ridiculous we are to think we can't fit three child seats across the back of our small car. Wouldn't go out and look at the car, or bother to ask about the measurements mind you. Just. Kept. Droning. On.

My husband is 49.

She is entitled to her personal opinion, but you've heard it and disagree with it. Which you are quite entitled to do, as an independent adult. And in any case she should have kept her opinion to herself as it isn't her home or business.

(And yes, I have adult children).

I have had lots of problems of this type with my mum. The only thing I can suggest is you should definitely push back sometimes eg we like the sofa mum so don’t go on about it please. Try and do it nicely and cheerfully. Your mum is in the wrong. However try not to let these issues escalate into big rows and remember your mums good points if she has any.

shes bonkers she doesn’t like your sofa tell her to get a life she’s not living with it .
tell her next time she comes round suggest you blindfold her so she doesn’t see the sofa problem solved . If she says that’s silly say well so is telling me I need to get another sofa because you don’t like it even though it’s not your house and your not living with it .

I don't know. My mum has got a million opinions especially on anything to do with the kids and she goes on an on about it. She'd totally tell me if she didn't like the sofa and she would tell me everytime she thought of it. I do get very annoyed with her and I have put down the phone in the past but without more context I wouldn't necessarily say she is toxic. I mean I don't think my mum is toxic and I'm not sure if yours is either.

With my mum it's a combination of having no filter, being extremely forgetful and absent minded (so she doesn't realise we've already discussed this a million times) and being highly anxious. Even the smallest things can give her anxiety. It's getting worse as she is getting older so I wonder if it might be an early sign of dementia?

I think sometimes it could also be a fork of making conversation. Maybe she can't think of anything else to say? Some people want to have a connection but are horrible conversationalists so come out with crap like this.

If she was a decent mum and not controlling when you were a child then I'd be tempted to let it go.

In summary I don't think you were being unreasonable to put the phone down on her but she isn't necessarily toxic or nasty. Maybe she's just a bit annoying and with family I think at times we just have to accept that.

My mum still does this and I'm 45. Drives me crazy!

Ask her why she thinks this, & what does she suggest that you have.

My mom used to say that I needed a new one, I didn’t. Then I realized that it was too low & squashy for her, & it wasn’t comfortable. Although she did insist on giving me £1000 towards another. She was lovely though, & often hid money around my home when she visited 🤷‍♀️

Sounds just like my mother. A toxic and controlling narcissist. They have no respect for other people's boundaries. I have gone very low contact with mine (a few texts here and there, a chat on the phone every 6 months). The best way to deal with it is to walk away or put down the phone. They never learn. They are not interested in how you feel or what you want.

That's brilliant @Coffeetree

I have my own versions of this, along the lines of:

"Your sofa doesn't suit the room" "mm I'm sure you're right"
"You should have got X kind of one instead" "yes probably"
"you should go and order X one now" "you're probably right mum but the thing is, I'm not going to"
"why not?" "I like the one I've got, so I'm not going to change it"

If I do it in a really laid back, agreeable way it does tend to end the conversation for good. With your mother OP can you make it a family joke, gently tease her? She may not realise how often she goes on about it. "Hang on mum the kids made a "granny and the sofa bingo card" let me go and get it. It's too big? let me tick that one off... oh you've forgottten to say it doesn't have washable covers."

She's got poor boundaries. You did exactly the right thing - don't bother about playing games or doing the same to her. Just grey rock/don't engage/hang up.

Have you asked her why the size of your sofa matters to her? She sounds barking!

Unless your sofa doesn't fit in the room-how can it be too big?

Even if she thinks she is entitled to an opinion-expressing it once is enough!

Perhaps just say "I know!" à la Sybil Fawlty!

My mum's like this too, she harangues until she gets her own way. Only now I'm wise to it, it doesn't work. She still does it though; on and on and on and on...

This is a pretty big deal and you need to be assertive before she drives your relationship into the ground and makes both of you unhappy.

I would sit down with her and explain that her interference is driving a wedge between you and you would feel sad if you had to withdraw from her over it. You could point out that she wouldn't like it if someone was repeatedly second guessing her and would probably find it controlling, just as you do. When our children grow up we still have opinions but we have to learn to let them go and keep the opinions to ourselves if we want to be welcomed into their adult lives.

Be prepared for all sorts of theatrics, huffing, exaggeration of what you just said and general bluster but keep repeating the facts calmly and kindly. Expect a withdrawal and deep hurt. When (and if) she eventually talks to you again and ventures a controlling opinion, you can say "Now we've talked about that Mum and I'm not going to tolerate it going forward, if you want to chat you'll have to keep that to yourself. Let me tell you about X instead."

You will also likely have comments like "I don't know what I'm allowed to say...I hope I'm not breaking your rules by having an opinion!!" etc. To this you must not rise. Just be breezy and "Don't be so silly, I can't stand huffing. What do you think about a trip to X next month?"

Your mother is a narcissist. Its got nothing to do with her. My mother is the same. Its the reason why i don't tell her anything. She was not shown my house plans nor any details about my wedding. She rang me one day to tell me about a wedding show on and i said ok will say it to himself ( this was before the wedding) if he wants to go. She was (obviously hinting to go herself) you do not bring your future husband to wedding shows, i was like well he is paying half of it so he will be going and gets a say in it. When was younger used to come down for a night out in my outfit, she wouldn't say anything just gave me a look to say she didn't approve. She also convinced my sister to paint her girls room pink, my sis hates pink so now hates the room color. I was like why did you even tell her you were painting it. I don't like l shaped sofas - my sis has two though, its her house she can do what she wants. I don't say it every time i go there or am talking to her. I wouldn't have your patience i would be telling my mother to f right off., its my money my house i do what i like with it and if you don't like it f right off and don't come near me. Do not let her guilt trip you this is all of her doing

Ah yes mine also says "I know you won't like me saying this"

And also thinks because she is my mother it gives her the right to spew out whatever she wants. As a result I'm in therapy and I have a lot of anger towards her.

Mine is also horribly opinionated and critical. When she comes to stay I'm rushing around cleaning and tidying so as to minimise the number of things she can comment on. It's fucked up.

Mine is thoroughly toxic and so is yours .

Arghh! My mum can be like this. Her favourite subject is hair. Mine is too long and scruffy apparently. Women over 35 shouldn't have long hair apparently- they should have a nice sensible short haircut with a perm. My teen son also has long hair and I never hear the end of "when's he going to get it cut? He looks a state. He'll never get a job blah blah." Once I had enough and snapped that I didn't like her hair either, it looked like a birds nest but I don’t go on about it all the time. All hell broke loose. I was rude, disrespectful and hurtful apparently. Gah!

Going against the grain here (admittedly hypocritical because my elderly mother drives me insane with her opinionated bollocks) but I think your DM chatting shit about your sofa is not that deep. YANBU though. I love a good hanging up of the phone. It’s the ultimate fuck you when someone is pissing you off.

I used to get this sort of thing OP.still do with DSIL

i tend to put the phone down on the worktop and get on with the cooking, . When I hear her winding down, I pick it up and say something like ‘ oh really’ .

I think everyone is happy with this.

I'm in my 50's and my mum is the same. There is her way, or her way, and if you don't like either of those, then the last option is her way.

I pointed out that I will live my life the way she thinks I should on the day that she lives her life the way I think she should but that fell on deaf ears too.

I just ignore it now. I really don't think she's is malicious, it's just that everyone is entitled to her opinion.

The thing is though, for those of us who have been controlled and manipulated since childhood it's really difficult to hang up.

I've never dared do that to mine, even though she's deserved it countless times. Because she has such a strong hold over me and has always instilled a lot of fear.

I also disagree re the sofa not being a big deal. It doesn't matter what it is, it just shows a complete lack of respect, boundaries and her compulsion to 'have her say' at all times and the expectation that the OP should bend over backwards to accommodate her.

As I said - it's a very fucked up situation and goes way deeper than someone just being a bit opinionated and irritating.

My mum can be like this sometimes with odd unsolicited opinions about trivial life choices I’ve made!

Yes to the hair thing.. we’re chatting and suddenly she’s “tactfully” suggesting I get my hair cut short and then getting a bit huffy and defensive if I don’t take her advice!

Try to be firm and have a couple of stock phrases? Eg it’s my choice mum and I’m happy with it.

I think throwing around the narcissist label is a bit much if she’s generally supportive.
Shes simply having trouble moving from a parent - child relationship,

Mine can also be very helpful when she wants to be. But she's a narcissist through and through and I don't say that lightly. Everything is about her, she doesn't see me as my own person, rather an extension of her. Therefore she can't understand that I have different thoughts and opinions, rather everything should align with hers.

I'm not sure if that's the case for the OP. Just my own experience.

Yes, my mother too has an opinion on everything. To the extent that if I was to say I was getting my kitchen redone, the next time I see her she'll have sketched the whole layout for me!

When DS1 was born many years ago, we lived abroad and when she visited, constantly told us how awful everything was - not something a new mother wants to hear! I snapped at her then and she did button up tight, I don't think our relationship has ever fully recovered.

So she has gone back to giving lots of opinions. I don't think it is toxic - it does come from a good place. To be fair sometimes she gives good advice! And equally we can take the mick out of the more batshit ones, or generally mumble an agreement to shut the conversation down.