To have hung up the phone on my mother???

[Sapphire387]

Sometimes I think I am going crazy.

My mum has - for about the tenth time - told me that she thinks my sofa is too big and I should get a smaller one. Note- we have quite a big living room, and it's one of those corner sofas with the footrest that sticks out, and it has a matching ottoman that you can push up next to it or use as a footrest. We have three children and they like to use it as a big bed to lounge around on while they are watching TV.

Anyway... she has form for expressing unsolicited opinions about my home, career, life choices, etc, and it's getting to the point where I am really starting to dislike her for it.

She keeps saying 'I'm your mother, I'm entitled to my opinion'. I'm 37.

Now obviously if she was genuinely concerned about something like - I don't know, a safety issue or the kids' wellbeing etc, I can see why she would bring it up. But it's small things like this. And it's over and over about the same things, not just once.

Today, on the phone, I just said we have discussed this before, I'm not changing my sofa. She persisted so I said 'I have to go now, bye'.

Does everyone else's mum still do this? Is it a mum thing or is it intrusive? She's getting older but not 'old' - she's mid-sixties. I am trying so much to appreciate her good side - she can be really helpful with the kids - but this is driving me nuts and it persists, over and over.

AIBU?

I'm the same age as you and for a minute i wondered if i had wrote this thread in my sleep! My mum is exactly the same. As I've got older, I realise how emotionally manipulative she can be. Where as she just sees it as 'being entitled to an opinion'.

I nearly hung up on her last time we spoke because she suggested that DH would find another woman because he was going away with work for a few days. She thought it was a perfectly reasonable possibility. Couldn't understand at all why I thought it rude or why DH was really offended. We're as solid as they come and have been together 15 years, no dramas at all.

It's bizarre behaviour. Hopefully if you repeatedly do this you can "train her out of it".

Corner sofas are dope. Endless lounging options, all of them comfy.

But back to you. My mum likes to pick fights when she's bored. Here's what I do: Stop disagreeing with her.

"I hate your sofa!" ""Yes, you've said that. You really hate it!"

"It's too small!" "You think it's too small, I know! You mentioned that."

"I'm entitled to an opinion" "You are! Everyone is entitled to an opinion!"

"I'm your mother and I care about you!" "Yes, you're my mother and you care!"

She'll get bored and pick a fight with someone else.

One way to shut her down might be to express concern - 'Mum, are you OK? You keep going on about my furniture, I can't help worrying if you have a problem you're unable to talk about'.

Tell her straight that its your house, your life, your money and your decision and you've made it and that you'd like her to stop going on about it.

My mother was a bit like this and I had to say that as no amount of subtle worked.

"Mum, do you think you need to see your Doctor? I'm concerned about your memory. We've talked about this before - several times - can you remember what I said?"

No she sounds tiresome, and you didn’t hang up technically, if you said I have to go now.

The elders in my family hate big sofas too, my Nan got a tiny two seater for her large living room and there’s never enough seating…

I have the opposite problem, I don’t like oversized sofas so we have one leather chesterfield. I’m persistently asked when I’m getting another sofa (I’m not).

Argh, much sympathy to you. That must have been horrible to hear, even though you know it is ridiculous. It's like there are no lines of what is appropriate to say and what isn't.

Mine is convinced my DH is scrounging off me. Having worked his whole adult life, he has taken some time out to retrain (masters degree in an area he has always loved) and do some volunteering work to help him towards this. He does the majority of household stuff.

We are lucky to be in a financial position for him to do this, and it was a joint decision between us. But no, apparently he's taking advantage.

I wish she could see how damaging it is to her relationship with me and with him when she says this.

Seems I could have written your post in my sleep, too.

First, remind her that opinions are like arseholes. Everyone has one, but nobody is interested in anyone else’s.
second, remind her that you are not asking her to have the same sofa, she can have whatever sofa she wants. You’ve chosen one she doesn’t like but it’s staying.

Then everytime she brings it up, tell her you’re ending the call. She’s rude and she thinks she still has control over you.

I love the phrase 'opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one' maybe you should use this everyone she brings up the sofa or other things she won't let go

You could print this out, frame it and put it up on the wall behind the sofa. Point to it every time she feels ‘entitled’ to express and unwanted opinion.

There is an expression used in my family when one of us is banging on about something yet again. The recipient of the"banging on" simply says "aye, you've said". Itcloses discussion down without the need to be overly rude.

Some parents never really seem to get that there kids are grown and the pecking order has changed and they are no longer at the top of the tree

tends to by parents who live there life through there kids and once the grow up they feel redundant

YANBU at all my mum is exactly the same. There are a gazillion things in our house that need money spent on them but she always picks some superficial thing to give me unsolicited 'tips' on. The latest being that we should give our living room a refresh with new sofa cushions.

I just smile and nod now, instead of arguing with her. She doesn't get it.

My in-laws go one step further and actually go out and buy a replacement if they don't like something in our home. Which, as a consequence, they'e not stepped foot in for over ten years, and stuff that you could normally mention in passing to questions like "what are you doing this weekend"e.g. "decided we need a new table for the garden so going to have a look around" are firmly clamped down on as we would come home and find their preferred option delivered to our front door.

They think their way is the only way to do anything and if it isn't something they'd do or buy or invest in etc etc they attempt to harass us into doing what they want.

Mine is convinced my DH is scrounging off me. Having worked his whole adult life, he has taken some time out to retrain (masters degree in an area he has always loved) and do some volunteering work to help him towards this. He does the majority of household stuff.

We are lucky to be in a financial position for him to do this, and it was a joint decision between us. But no, apparently he's taking advantage.

JFC that's hard to even read, it must be equally enraging & upsetting to hear.
"Mum, you are being extraordinarily rude. I don;t want to hear your unwarranted criticism of my lovely husband, so if you do it again, I will hang up."

She will then fulminate, because she reckons she's entitled to make wounding statements at your expense. That's ok - you knew she'd do it, so that's exactly the moment that you ... just ... hang ... up.
No sorry but, no reiteration of what you are doing, no explaining - just action.
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

I dare say the thought of this feels immense to you, because your mother has conditioned you your whole life that you objecting to her rudeness is the rude act. If so, do yourself a favour & buy this book - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

There is absolutely NO rule that says you cannot hang up the phone on people who are rude to you. The fact that it's your mother is immaterial. You have told her 9 million times to stop insulting you, it doesn't work - so show her.

oh gawd, this could be my mother!! She gets a bee in a bonnet about stupid things that don't even affect her and I never hear the end of it. My money, my house, my choices!!

"I'm entitled to my opinion"

"& I'm entitled not to hear it" - <<< hangs up >>>

Just 'grey rock' it OP.
I've been grey rocking my mum for 20 years.

Mum: "The sofa looks too big in your living room / your windows could do with a clean / women over a certain age shouldn't wear white etc etc etc"

Me: "Hmmm" "Oh yeah" "Right" "Aah I see"....

Then just carry on as you were, making zero changes to your life.

YANBU. My mother does this but usually on more important and touchy subjects like how to raise my children or how useless my (not useless but could do more) husband is.

Normally prefixed by "Now, I know you won't like me saying this but..."

My hackles and defences go up straight away.

Honestly, I think if she wasn't so good with my kids and they didn't love spending as much time with her, we'd have fallen out to the point of no contact years ago.

Are you me? The last few year I’ve realised my mum is controlling just like this. I’d never seen it before because I always did what she said but also I think age makes them much worse. Now I’m not doing as she says or asking her opinion on stuff, she can’t stand it and thinks something odd is going on with me. I’ve tired everything to make her stop being just like your mum but it’s impossible and they can’t see themselves for what they are really like. It’s like banging your head against a brick wall.

They feel so entitled about telling us everything they think regardless of if we want to hear it or not.

Its controlling. I’m having to step away from my mum to keep my own sanity! And the weird thing is, it’s all over small things like your sofa situation… but it’s relentless and about every decision, down to the butter I choose to buy 😅

I feel for you and we’ll done for finally realising she is like this ❤️

Your mum sounds a bit ridiculous. You bought the settee. It's your house. Yes, she can have an opinion, and you have the right to tell her to shove it.

Incidentally, I'm in my 60s and wouldn't dream of telling my sons I don't like or approve of something in their own homes.

She keeps saying 'I'm your mother, I'm entitled to my opinion'. I'm 37.

So respond, "I'm your daughter and entitled to an opinion too and I think your sofa looks crap, have a nice day, bye now."

I hate to tell you this, your mother is a narcissist. Continuing to insert opinions in a child's life that are unwarranted and unwanted is a classic sign. Ask me how I know.
I have an absolutely enormous sofa that is way too big for the space and I don't care. We wanted a sofa that everyone could lay down on, because that's what we do. It's your house! Do what makes you happy.