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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I'm not on the class WhatsApp because of DS's SN?

113 replies

AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 07:06

DC1 (Yr6) has ASD. He doesn't really have any friends (there's one boy who will chat with him if no one else is around to see, will call for him to play on the Switch if he has no other plans) and is mostly left alone at school. He hasn't been bullied since Yr2. He is never invited to other people's houses, people decline invites to us, has never been invited to a birthday party etc etc. He is not violent, noisy, over-active, obnoxious or anything, he is simply far more childish than his peers and has unusual interests. At break times he plays with the younger children. Most parents are quite stand-offish at parent's events, some resent that DC1 is allowed to use a computer for some work and has a TA for a few lessons a week.

DC2 (Yr5) has many friends and a truly lovely class, and I know I could call pretty much anyone on the class list if I needed help in an emergency. The parents from Yr 6 who do talk to me are those who either also have a sibling in Yr 5 or whose Yr6 child is in a sports team with DC2.

There is a class WhatsApp for Yr5, started by the parents rep and running since Yr3, where random messages about homework and gifts for the teacher pop up. Most recently the return time from the combined Yr5&Yr6 residential. Teacher called first parent on the class list to let them know and parent posted to the WhatsApp chat.

DC1 didn't go on the residential. I find it hard to believe the teacher wrote an email whilst on the coach back and added all 25 other parents individually rather than use the Yr6 mailing list. Especially as he knew DC2 was on the trip. I also don't really believe the parents followed the telephone list and didn't call me because most didn't know DC1 wasn't going. I therefore suspect that there is a class WhatsApp also for Yr6 to which I am not invited.

However, there could be another explanation as to how all the other parents were notified. And the class has the same teacher for two years so there hasn't been a need for a whole group message about an end of year gift yet. Although come to think of there was an issue at the end of Yr4 for the class gift.

YABU - you're overthinking and being paranoid, of course there's no WhatsApp group.
YANBU - probably there is.

OP posts:
HMTheQueenMuffin · 10/03/2023 07:10

I would flat out ask if there is one and ask to be put on it. It might simply be an oversight.

Actually, I probably need to ask to be on ours. I am not on it (resisted for both DCs for a good 3 years now) after the great Wtsapp blowup scandal of 2018 where one mother photo dumped pics of her DD winning a swimming comp on it and another called her a cunt.

GoldenGorilla · 10/03/2023 07:17

It’s more likely to be an oversight than a deliberate exclusion, everybody knows all parents need to be on those groups to coordinate teacher gifts etc. I’d just ask one of the year 6 mums who do speak to you.

and you have my sympathies: my autistic 6 year old has never yet been invited on a play date and the feeling of seeing him left out of stuff is horrible.

Original poster
AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 07:23

resisted for both DCs for a good 3 years now
That sounds like your choice not to go on it though?

There are 26 children in DC1's class/year. They have been together since reception bar one or two leaving and one or two joining. My phone number has not changed. It has been on the class list every year (where I am they give each family a class telephone list with the name and telephone number of every child in the class). Every year we have to check the info is up to date and confirm permission for the number to be given to the class. I have always done this. I don't see how it could be an oversight.

OP posts:
SnowyBeachDay · 10/03/2023 07:23

You could always offer to start one, say how handy you find the yr5 one and that you think one for yr6 would be great. Then if there is one, you’ll be added to the existing one and if not you can start one

PrinceHaz · 10/03/2023 07:23

I think you’re just not on it because your child has no y6 links therefore you have no y6 links. I expect they don’t know you’re not on it. I think in your shoes I would just request to join. They’re not going to refuse.

donttellmehesalive · 10/03/2023 07:24

I don't know about a WhatsApp group but I do doubt that a teacher would rely on it to get a message out. She would not contact the first person on the telephone list and trust that it would be posted. I think they'd text or email every Y6 parent but elect to remove you because it would be poor taste as your son didn't go.

Obviously, some year 5 parents did add it to their group in case someone didn't check their emails, but that doesn't mean there's a year 6 one.

I'm a teacher and have volunteers in the classroom most days. Over the year, the subject of a class whatsapp does come up. Sometimes if I make a mistake I joke that it'll end up on their class whatsapp. Most years parents tell me that there is one, but not this year apparently.

Can't you ask one of the mums who you are friendly with?

I really doubt you haven't been included in a chat about snow days and list jumpers because of SEN.

Shinyandnew1 · 10/03/2023 07:24

Possibly-I would ask.

some resent that DC1 is allowed to use a computer for some work

Really?! What has been said?

carriedout · 10/03/2023 07:27

The school should communicate properly, not outsource that to a parents' Whatsapp group.

TBH they are the devil's work, I stayed off them all as it is always ruined by some arses.

SnowyBeachDay · 10/03/2023 07:27

My yr6 son is new to his school so I offered to be the ‘class parent’ for his class. Otherwise I know we would be left out of things as the other parents don’t know he exists. This is experience from moving several countries the last few years. They don’t mean to leave us out, they just don’t think about it. I’d ask to be added or offer to do it myself

Original poster
AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 07:32

She would not contact the first person on the telephone list and trust that it would be posted. I think they'd text or email every Y6 parent but elect to remove you because it would be poor taste as your son didn't go.

No, that's not how it works. The telephone list is in two columns. If the teacher has an urgent message to communicate she calls the first two parents on each column, who call the next etc and the last two on each column have to call the teacher and confirm the message is delivered!

My DC2 was also on the trip and her teacher definitely didn't email or text every parent. She called the first on the list who immediately posted on the parent only WhatsApp rather than run through the telephone list. Also DC1's teacher knew DC2 was on the coach with him so I would need to know when they were back anyway. Can't see him creating extra work for himself for no real reason.

@Shinyandnew1 polite chit-chat with one parent at the supermarket when she mentioned that she and a couple of others think it's unfair DS gets to use a computer sometimes and their DC would like to use one too...

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 07:37

The telephone list
I should add I'm not in the UK and the telephone list is the traditional way of passing on short notice messages like "we're going in the forest tomorrow, please ensure your child has appropriate clothing and footwear." Or "trip to forest tomorrow is cancelled." It's rarely used though.

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 10/03/2023 07:38

Talk about seeing shadows op!

HubertTheGoat · 10/03/2023 07:38

It's perhaps different as we don't get phone lists here, but I've never known anyone to be in charge of a WA group. It's everyone's own responsibility to ask someone to add them to the group if they want to be on it.

I also find the idea of teachers still using telephone trees bizarre! I wouldn't trust everyone on the list to do as asked. Do they not just have a program so they can just text all parents?

NumberTheory · 10/03/2023 07:40

I agree it’s odd a teacher would rely on a parent led WhatsApp group for an important message like a return time. But since you know they did because of seeing the Yr5 WhatsApp msg because of DC2 the posts questioning that are a bit pointless. It’s not good practice, but we’re probably all aware that Primary schools do not generally excel at parent communication.

It does seem likely there is a WhatsApp group for DC1s class that you aren’t on. If there is it also seems likely you aren’t on it because of DC1’s SN. Albeit more likely along the lines of DC1 forgotten about because he doesn’t play with the others because of his SN than whoever started the group thinking “I don’t want DC1’s mum on it because of DC1’s SN.”

I would ask the teacher or one of the friendly Yr6 parents you know through DC2. Assuming it does exist, I’d then think about whether I wanted to be on it or not.

It’s hurtful to be left off. Even if the slight is unintentional it’s still the same knock back again and again. I hope there is better in store for you and DS1 in Secondary.

Vegrocks · 10/03/2023 07:40

The time you have invested invested in asking anonymous posters who have literally no idea… could have been spent asking the admin to add you to the list

853ax · 10/03/2023 07:40

Are the what app group set up by parents not school? Presume then they add people as realise more.
Two of my children in school have class what app groups organised by parents often adding more in as they would not know everyone number to start with. Over years then more hear about it and get added in.
If you son has not been to parties ECT the parent who set up what app would not know your number.
Other point I do not think information coming from school should be via what app. If school or teachers need to contact parents they should have specific school system e.g Aladdin.

Vegrocks · 10/03/2023 07:41

some resent that DC1 is allowed to use a computer for some work and has a TA for a few lessons a week.

what on earth makes you be sure of this?

SimplySipping · 10/03/2023 07:41

I think there probably is, but it could well just be an oversight. Hard not to take it personally but this is the perfect excuse to just ask one of your friends with a child in Y6. It's much more likely that they will just add you than there's a big conspiracy against you.

I say this because I can relate, and I'd want someone to say this to me, not because I am dismissing your worry.

Original poster
AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 07:43

I wouldn't trust everyone on the list to do as asked. Oh last time the telephone list was used it was an absolute fiasco! Some didn't pick up because they didn't recognise the number calling them. Then you're supposed to jump to the next person who has to try to contact previous and then tell the next person to contact previous.... No1 ended up leaving messages on everyone's phone, then everyone called her back that evening 😂so I totally understand why she posted to the class WhatsApp group!

Do they not just have a program so they can just text all parents? No

@Vegrocks I am, aren't I? Or am I?

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 10/03/2023 07:43

When mine went on residential

a separate residential wats app was set up

Vegrocks · 10/03/2023 07:45

Yes, you are seeing shadows

There probably was a separate group just regarding the residential

and I’m still intrigued how you know some “resent” fact your son uses a computer occasionally and has the ta for a few hours a week

MichelleScarn · 10/03/2023 07:45

But if your y6 child wasn't on the trip you wouldn't need to know?
You did find out about it because your y5 child was was on the trip was on it if I've read correctly? (Am very very sleep deprivd)

Vegrocks · 10/03/2023 07:46

And for a class of almost 30 to have one ND child? Unlikely

Original poster
AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 07:46

what on earth makes you be sure of this?
A mother of a child in DC1's class told me.

Every parent in DS's class has had my telephone number since reception.

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 10/03/2023 07:46

MichelleScarn · 10/03/2023 07:45

But if your y6 child wasn't on the trip you wouldn't need to know?
You did find out about it because your y5 child was was on the trip was on it if I've read correctly? (Am very very sleep deprivd)

You are absolutely correct