AIBU to think I'm not on the class WhatsApp because of DS's SN?

[AlwaysTheOutsider]

DC1 (Yr6) has ASD. He doesn't really have any friends (there's one boy who will chat with him if no one else is around to see, will call for him to play on the Switch if he has no other plans) and is mostly left alone at school. He hasn't been bullied since Yr2. He is never invited to other people's houses, people decline invites to us, has never been invited to a birthday party etc etc. He is not violent, noisy, over-active, obnoxious or anything, he is simply far more childish than his peers and has unusual interests. At break times he plays with the younger children. Most parents are quite stand-offish at parent's events, some resent that DC1 is allowed to use a computer for some work and has a TA for a few lessons a week.

DC2 (Yr5) has many friends and a truly lovely class, and I know I could call pretty much anyone on the class list if I needed help in an emergency. The parents from Yr 6 who do talk to me are those who either also have a sibling in Yr 5 or whose Yr6 child is in a sports team with DC2.

There is a class WhatsApp for Yr5, started by the parents rep and running since Yr3, where random messages about homework and gifts for the teacher pop up. Most recently the return time from the combined Yr5&Yr6 residential. Teacher called first parent on the class list to let them know and parent posted to the WhatsApp chat.

DC1 didn't go on the residential. I find it hard to believe the teacher wrote an email whilst on the coach back and added all 25 other parents individually rather than use the Yr6 mailing list. Especially as he knew DC2 was on the trip. I also don't really believe the parents followed the telephone list and didn't call me because most didn't know DC1 wasn't going. I therefore suspect that there is a class WhatsApp also for Yr6 to which I am not invited.

However, there could be another explanation as to how all the other parents were notified. And the class has the same teacher for two years so there hasn't been a need for a whole group message about an end of year gift yet. Although come to think of there was an issue at the end of Yr4 for the class gift.

YABU - you're overthinking and being paranoid, of course there's no WhatsApp group.
YANBU - probably there is.

I assume the parent playground gossip is vocal on the point of one child being able to use a computer and TA

So a mother (shit stirrer) told you that some parents resent your son using the computer? And you have just accepted that as fact

A very unusual situation if there is ONE child out of almost 30 that requires extra support and is ND

Well yes. She was pretty clear that she finds it unfair that her DS isn't also allowed to. So yes, I took that as a fact.

I'm a little lost from your OP. Did you not get the message at all, or are the teachers aware you're not on the WhatsApp groups and emailed you but you think they wouldn't have emailed everyone else?
If the latter, they could have a group email set up for each year with the other recipients addresses hidden for privacy/security.

So you’re close enough to her

so why don’t you ask her if there’s an underground wats app group to which you’re not invited (there isn’t)

@Vegrocks there are 26 in DS's year group, 20 in DC2's.

My DD found out by accident that she wasn't on the class WA group. It could be because of your child's SN. We were being gossiped about because my youngest GC was still bought to school (and the soft play parties) in a pram. They had their faces wiped when we were finally given a buggy by OT and then she went on to get hearing aids. We had to stay close because she couldn't hear us, but we're laughed about as helicoptering. A few have shown how nasty they are. Being envious of adjustments and the extras needed is real. Most parents of children with additional needs have had the comments, getting respite care is a big bug bear for some parents. It's sad that it's still happening and as you've had on this thread people will tell you that it isn't.

So this mother confronted you and said she and others thought it was unfair your child used the computer?

No, she's not one of the parents I know really. I saw her in the supermarket, asked if they'd had a good holiday, were her DC happy to be back at school etc.

And your son is the only child that is ND? And the only child that requires any extra support?

Unlikely

And she managed to shoe horn in that she and others “resent” the slight extra support your son receives

I can well believe it. There was a WhatsApp group in my autistic child's class which all the mums of boys were in except for me.

I don't know why you assume this doesn't happen @Vegrocks - I can assure you that it does. Parents of children with SEN are routinely ostracised, just like our children are.

Stop gaslighting the OP.

You have friends in this class (the ones that have children in your other child’s class).

ask them about the underground watsapp group (and don’t be surprised if you see a look of confusion cross their face!)

Goodness, well isn’t she forthcoming with her views.

If we did this in any school I have taught in we would be in big trouble! It’s incredibly unprofessional to expect messages from a teacher to parents to be delivered 2nd, 3rd, 4th hand. We use a texting app in which we send messages that go to all parents, and we would NEVER divulge contact details to other parents. We do t even give out class name lists for Christmas cards anymore. Massive GDPR fail.

@Vegrocks There are three children in the school with whom the TA works 1:1.
There is another "floating" TA who sits in on 4 lessons a week with each class and e.g. takes a group to work with. One child in the school has a personal TA (rather than educational) to help with personal care, picking up books etc as she is in a wheelchair.

My son has adhd

I am not gas lighting

but quite clearly there was a separate group. The op wasn’t invited. Because it wasn’t relevant to her

Teachers don’t use the year group WhatsApp in my school. Ask to be added? Mine is helpful for reminders

How on earth do you know all this? At my school it’s very private re which children have extra support and the extent of that

Oh believe me, this does not surprise me. Many parents will ask me if their little dear can use a computer “Joe” does because their offspring thinks it’s unfair that they’ve got to use a pencil to write. I even had this from 1 parent when the child using the computer had cerebral palsy and could only use 1 arm!

The parents from Yr 6 who do talk to me are those who either also have a sibling in Yr 5 or whose Yr6 child is in a sports team with DC2.

Ask them 🤷‍♀️

DS1 also has ASD. I discovered there was a class WhatsApp a matter of weeks before he left Y6 (several years ago). I was added when I asked. We had been quite a social group from Reception onwards and I had the numbers of several of the mums.

I’m pretty certain there was a WhatsApp for DS2’s class as well. He also has ASD but more obviously so. The only mum friends I had in his year group were ones with older siblings in DS1’s year or a couple from nursery. Friends is an exaggeration tbh.

DS2 is in y8 now and I’m not in touch with a single one of the mums (or dads) I saw almost daily (except for Covid) for 10 years at the school gate. Having a kid or kids with SN is bloody lonely.

yanbu

No it’s not. Most classes will have a range of children with SEN, but not to the point that they have 1-1 TA support through an EHCP, or use tech regularly. In my current school, which is 2 form entry, we have 10 children with EHCPs, 5 of whom have 1-1 support. My previous school had 1 EHCP and no TAs in any of the KS2 classes - they shared a TA every morning.

I know that because DS's TA has e.g. asked him to bring his homework (he didn't hand in on time) to reception on Tuesday as he'll be with L, and DS has told me.
The floating TA is listed on both DC1 and DC2's timetable, this year and previous years, and I know parents with DC in lower years whose younger DC love it when TA is in class => TA spends roughly same amount of time in each class. Everyone knows about child in wheelchair (and rallied round when she was having treatment which paralysed her) plus her she has a sibling in each of my DC's classes so I randomly chatted to her mum when we were the only parents of older DC still doing pick up.