AIBU to think I'm not on the class WhatsApp because of DS's SN?

[AlwaysTheOutsider]

DC1 (Yr6) has ASD. He doesn't really have any friends (there's one boy who will chat with him if no one else is around to see, will call for him to play on the Switch if he has no other plans) and is mostly left alone at school. He hasn't been bullied since Yr2. He is never invited to other people's houses, people decline invites to us, has never been invited to a birthday party etc etc. He is not violent, noisy, over-active, obnoxious or anything, he is simply far more childish than his peers and has unusual interests. At break times he plays with the younger children. Most parents are quite stand-offish at parent's events, some resent that DC1 is allowed to use a computer for some work and has a TA for a few lessons a week.

DC2 (Yr5) has many friends and a truly lovely class, and I know I could call pretty much anyone on the class list if I needed help in an emergency. The parents from Yr 6 who do talk to me are those who either also have a sibling in Yr 5 or whose Yr6 child is in a sports team with DC2.

There is a class WhatsApp for Yr5, started by the parents rep and running since Yr3, where random messages about homework and gifts for the teacher pop up. Most recently the return time from the combined Yr5&Yr6 residential. Teacher called first parent on the class list to let them know and parent posted to the WhatsApp chat.

DC1 didn't go on the residential. I find it hard to believe the teacher wrote an email whilst on the coach back and added all 25 other parents individually rather than use the Yr6 mailing list. Especially as he knew DC2 was on the trip. I also don't really believe the parents followed the telephone list and didn't call me because most didn't know DC1 wasn't going. I therefore suspect that there is a class WhatsApp also for Yr6 to which I am not invited.

However, there could be another explanation as to how all the other parents were notified. And the class has the same teacher for two years so there hasn't been a need for a whole group message about an end of year gift yet. Although come to think of there was an issue at the end of Yr4 for the class gift.

YABU - you're overthinking and being paranoid, of course there's no WhatsApp group.
YANBU - probably there is.

I'm sorry you are getting a hard time on here, OP. I can well believe you are being missed out as a parent to a DC with ASD. Some people can be nasty and many just apathetic. They can't be bothered to include you because their DC doesn't play with yours anyway, not understanding that a little bit of kindness and inclusivity can make all the difference. Ignore those who just don't get it, because they haven't experienced it so therefore it 'obviously doesn't happen.' It does happen and in the UK as well as outside.

You are absolutely not "seeing shadows". My autistic son has been at the same school with the same classmates for 6 years (he is yr6) and I was only added to the class WhatsApp this week. I didnt even know there was one.
Why was I added a mere 3 months before they all graduated juniors and went their seperate ways? Because they were buying commemorative jumpers and they got a bigger discount if more people ordered.
I went from a little tearfully happy to be included to absolutely sick to my stomach.
These same people are always posting about "autism week!" and how "in a world you can be anything, be nice :)" or "caring" posts on facebook about how hard it is having your autistic child ignored, excluded and bullied.
Sadly I actually considered one or two of them to be, if not friends, then at least acquaintances. People if you were standing around with you could have a surface chat about the kids.
People suck.

Ask the parents who have kids in both classes... don't explain... apologise or leave room for anything else..

Mary.. is there a class whatsapp for year 6.... then wait..

So you don’t have anyone your friends in your other child’s class that also has friends in your son’s class…. That you could ask?

This

all very bizarre

clearly a ways app group was set up for parents with children on the residential

the OP’s child wasn’t on the residential!

You say there are a number of parents with children in both year 5 AND year 6

So ask them!!

They do not always use class lists to make the whatsap groups. I have had to ask to add different parents. One parent asked me to have her added half way through the year. And I am not the one admin for the group. But I ask the admin, since I am on the group. Just ask to be put ont he class whatsap.

It is not ‘bizarre’ or ‘baffling’- it is extremely obvious to those of us who have been on the receiving end of similar treatment. Even if it was just an accidental oversight to miss OP off the group, it is still a particular unkindness because everyone should be making a particular effort to include families like OPs (and mine) who can so easily end up sidelined. I’m sorry OP.

People if you were standing around with you could have a surface chat about the kids.
Thats it. But it makes a bit of an awkward phone call, to call someone you would never otherwise telephone, to ask if there is a class WhatsApp or not!

No, it isn't bizarre or baffling, as too many parents will tell you the same story.

We found out about the whatsapp in year 3, when it was mentioned in front of us by one mother in the playground - who was then subject to death stares as she hadn't realised we'd been deliberately missed off. And both the women running ours had my number as they were quick enough to contact me about other things.

We didn't care for ourselves. But it did lead to our children missing out on some parent organised things. Don't call me sweetie and angel to my face, but then ostracise my child because he deigned to be friends with un-perfect children.

I agree with you, my parents evening last night was for some moments really sad as I noted other students pointing fingers at my autistic son to their parents then whispering to them, some loud enough to overhear. I know why they single him out, he has clothes he prefers and insists on and even though he wears uniform he utterly insists on a specific leather coat and if he's not wearing his beret (not school uniform issue) he's wearing his furry hat with the ear coverings. But the upside of it is, if you don't fit with what others consider normal, you get talked about. I remember it well from my quirky friends at school being pointed at and whispered about. He's very socially unaware too which to a lot of teachers just seems to translate as naughty.
I suspect we too shall be judged for the fact he is going to be having a laptop for the majority of lessons so he can output work as he has poor fine motor skills and can't write as quick as his brain thinks things, but he can type!

I've never known about any what's app groups at his primary, and glad I didn't !
This is my third child going through school, first was autistic, middle one wasn't, but my time through the school years has taught me to toughen up and just ignore others, I am not interested in clique groups or group organised presents for teachers. The bitchiness and politics in the playground were enough to observe from a distance without having to see it on my phone daily too.
I have spent all the third child's years at primary on the sidelines as the older Mother of the naughty child and am so relieved the school run/sports days etc etc isn't a thing at secondary. If there are any whats app groups related to secondary I won't be joining them! Happy in my ignorance!

Yep it happens - I know for a fact we were knowingly and willfully excluded from the parental group in DD2s year as it was a Facebook group and came up in the recommended bit of mine several times - and it was clearly very active as recent haircut changes and bits of cosmetic surgery were visible in the group photo of them on a night out - and people I was friends with on FB were in the photo so knew full well I was on social media and not part of the group - it was intentional because DD2 was quirky, had impaired speech, poor coordination and was autistic. Wasn't due to starting the school late, or anything like that - they just did not want to include us - to the point they'd pull their kids away if they were starting to be friendly toward DD2. It was foul and inevitably as they got older and the kids became aware of it - they picked up on the vibe that DD2 was some kind of acceptable target and started bullying her... we're no longer at the school.

I never raised it with the school - because it's not their role to try to enforce acceptable behaviour among groups of women who should be fucking old enough to know better - but I did mention in PTA meetings a couple of times that assuming messages would get circulated to all via parental year group groups wasn't a good way of doing things because not all parents were part of them.

Current school and it's complicated because the year groups are double-years in one class and so there's not a constant cohort of "school mums" for a particular intake of kids - so I'm on the class below my kids' current whatsapp group - because last year DD2 was in that class, but this year she's not, but next year she will be again. I'm sure there's probably a group or something which covers DD1's cohort but we were late joining the school and I've just not picked up on one - and that group of parents are less close knit than the parents of the slightly younger kids who spend most of their time organising drinking nights out on the group!

Communication about coach return trips etc comes through one of the school messaging apps... well, since the school has flitted around about 5 different ones - inevitably I get about 3 app notifications, a text message and an email as our Head really needs to make up his bloody mind! (He's lovely but a bit scatterbrained at times)

School aren't contacting over WhatsApp. The parents set it up (if there is one). School use a telephone tree.