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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I'm not on the class WhatsApp because of DS's SN?

113 replies

AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 07:06

DC1 (Yr6) has ASD. He doesn't really have any friends (there's one boy who will chat with him if no one else is around to see, will call for him to play on the Switch if he has no other plans) and is mostly left alone at school. He hasn't been bullied since Yr2. He is never invited to other people's houses, people decline invites to us, has never been invited to a birthday party etc etc. He is not violent, noisy, over-active, obnoxious or anything, he is simply far more childish than his peers and has unusual interests. At break times he plays with the younger children. Most parents are quite stand-offish at parent's events, some resent that DC1 is allowed to use a computer for some work and has a TA for a few lessons a week.

DC2 (Yr5) has many friends and a truly lovely class, and I know I could call pretty much anyone on the class list if I needed help in an emergency. The parents from Yr 6 who do talk to me are those who either also have a sibling in Yr 5 or whose Yr6 child is in a sports team with DC2.

There is a class WhatsApp for Yr5, started by the parents rep and running since Yr3, where random messages about homework and gifts for the teacher pop up. Most recently the return time from the combined Yr5&Yr6 residential. Teacher called first parent on the class list to let them know and parent posted to the WhatsApp chat.

DC1 didn't go on the residential. I find it hard to believe the teacher wrote an email whilst on the coach back and added all 25 other parents individually rather than use the Yr6 mailing list. Especially as he knew DC2 was on the trip. I also don't really believe the parents followed the telephone list and didn't call me because most didn't know DC1 wasn't going. I therefore suspect that there is a class WhatsApp also for Yr6 to which I am not invited.

However, there could be another explanation as to how all the other parents were notified. And the class has the same teacher for two years so there hasn't been a need for a whole group message about an end of year gift yet. Although come to think of there was an issue at the end of Yr4 for the class gift.

YABU - you're overthinking and being paranoid, of course there's no WhatsApp group.
YANBU - probably there is.

OP posts:
LesserBohemians · 10/03/2023 08:06

HubertTheGoat · 10/03/2023 07:38

It's perhaps different as we don't get phone lists here, but I've never known anyone to be in charge of a WA group. It's everyone's own responsibility to ask someone to add them to the group if they want to be on it.

I also find the idea of teachers still using telephone trees bizarre! I wouldn't trust everyone on the list to do as asked. Do they not just have a program so they can just text all parents?

This. In the UK and Irish schools DS has attended, the school is extremely clear on the fact that class WhatsApp groups are not school lists, and school will never communicate via them, any disputes etc are not a school issue.

I only discovered DS’s first English school had a class WhatsApp during the nativity play in Year 2, when the mothers of his classmates were posting on it on either side of me. I just asked to be added. I think I hadn’t been added because I was one of the two WOH mothers in a class of 27, was foreign, and wasn’t much liked — it was easy to overlook me, or ‘overlook’ me. I didn’t take it personally. It was that kind of environment.

Soontobe60 · 10/03/2023 08:08

Vegrocks · 10/03/2023 08:01

How on earth do you know all this? At my school it’s very private re which children have extra support and the extent of that

Show quote history

I’m pretty sure it would be obvious that a child inA wheelchair has TA support. As for the other info, the OP hasn’t said she knows which children have support, just that there IS support provided. Our school website lists the staff and their roles - so it shows which classes have a class at and which TAs provide individual SEN support.

Vegrocks · 10/03/2023 08:08

The parents from Yr 6 who do talk to me are those who either also have a sibling in Yr 5 or whose Yr6 child is in a sports team with DC2.

can you not ask any of the above?

underneaththeash · 10/03/2023 08:17

GPDR wouldn't allow the teacher to be on a what's app group, it's not something official comms can go through.

There probably a what's app group though. But, he's in year 6 and going to finish soon, so is it really worth getting concerned about it now, especially when he socialised with the younger children anyway.

Original poster
AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 08:20

Our school website lists the staff and their roles - so it shows which classes have a class at and which TAs provide individual SEN support.
At one point (last year) they actually listed on their website X. Yyyyyy Role: T.A. Yr 5. D.C. where D.C. were DC's initials. I was not amused....

I am debating. To ask or not to ask. To wait and see about leavers' stuff / teacher gifts. I was hoping it would be a resounding YABU. So now I don't know if I want to know.

OP posts:
Pasithean · 10/03/2023 08:20

DIL refuses to be on any WhatsApp etc due to bullying on there by parents. Fuckem if they don’t want to include your kid. It’s their loss.

Original poster
AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 08:21

PS I am aware how ridiculous that sounds!

OP posts:
Huntzberger · 10/03/2023 08:26

It's a horrible feeling isn't it. I'm in a similar position except I know full well there's a group because my neighbour, who has a child in the same year as mine and I suppose can't so easily avoid me, sometimes reads bits of it to me.

I'll say 'have you heard about xyz?' And she'll pull out her phone and say 'oh yes, we were talking about that on the mums' group chat...' while I wonder how you get through life without realising how hurtful you're being.

Vegrocks · 10/03/2023 08:29

Op

You say you have friends in this class (those with children in your other child’s class).

Surely they would have told you OR you could… ask??

AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman · 10/03/2023 08:32

OP yanbu, I’m sorry though because it’s a sucky feeling.

@vegrocks lay off. If you and your kid have never experienced any sort of discrimination with their adhd then you’re lucky. You’ve proven well enough that you don’t think discrimination exists and you’re wrong about that.

Spanglemum · 10/03/2023 08:36

The OP says that she's not in the UK so things about the phone lists etc are different. I have children with ADHD and ASD and you do get excluded. They good thing is once they go to secondary schools you don't have to deal with other parents any more.

Original poster
AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 08:37

@Vegrocks actually I never said that. I said DC2 has lots of friends.

OP posts:
WolfFoxHare · 10/03/2023 08:38

Vegrocks · 10/03/2023 07:52

So this mother confronted you and said she and others thought it was unfair your child used the computer?

Why are you being so aggressive with the OP? Is it so unbelievable that one or more parents might be left off the WhatsApp, accidentally or others?! I don’t understand why you’re so convinced she’s wrong, and taking such a hostile tone? Maybe calm down a bit?

donttellmehesalive · 10/03/2023 08:42

If school policy is to pass a message to the first person on a telephone list, and for the message to filter down the list, maybe that is how the trip message for Y6 was passed on.

I know Year 5 have a WhatsApp group and that the message was posted there by a parent (possibly in addition to the telephone list) but that doesn't mean that Year 6 did it the same way.

I think it's more likely that there isn't a WhatsApp group than you were left out because your child has SEN.

I also think you sound paranoid about jealousy/resentment of the provision he receives. A parent might comment that they wish their child had more support, or could use a laptop, or whatever it is, but that doesn't mean they're angry enough to exclude you as that child's parent from a WhatsApp group.

donttellmehesalive · 10/03/2023 08:44

I really do think it's unlikely that you were intentionally excluded from a parent WhatsApp group.

I mean, which parents would think 'I'll set up a class group for lost jumpers and so on, but not that parent, that one with the kid who gets extra support, she can fuck off.'

MargaretThursday · 10/03/2023 08:45

I would expect they had a group for the residential. We got messages all the way through when ours were on residential.

"Every single child slept at least 8 hours and has got up joyfully and loved eating a huge breakfast. They are now super excited on their way to their first activity. Head"*

They were irritating enough when you had a child on the residential. I would imagine if you didn't, particularly if you were feeling a little upset because they didn't, it would have been worse. I'd totally expect them to have a separate group for the residential.

*Other than the fact it was unlikely that every one of 120 children did this, one of dd's friends said a couple of week later. "we didn't go to sleep before 2am any night and our room was next to the head's. On the last night he stormed in at 4am and shouted that if we weren't quiet and go to sleep then we weren't coming to the disco that evening."
I showed her the text and she gave an indignant gasp and said "he lied!" 🤣🤣

Original poster
AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 08:51

😂😂
There were 45 kids at the start of the residential.
DS was the only one who didn't go, this wasn't widely advertised as DS didn't want the other children asking questions as to why he wasn't going.

There was no "residential update" group from the teachers. My other child was there.

I accept I may well be being paranoid.

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 10/03/2023 08:55

AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 07:06

DC1 (Yr6) has ASD. He doesn't really have any friends (there's one boy who will chat with him if no one else is around to see, will call for him to play on the Switch if he has no other plans) and is mostly left alone at school. He hasn't been bullied since Yr2. He is never invited to other people's houses, people decline invites to us, has never been invited to a birthday party etc etc. He is not violent, noisy, over-active, obnoxious or anything, he is simply far more childish than his peers and has unusual interests. At break times he plays with the younger children. Most parents are quite stand-offish at parent's events, some resent that DC1 is allowed to use a computer for some work and has a TA for a few lessons a week.

DC2 (Yr5) has many friends and a truly lovely class, and I know I could call pretty much anyone on the class list if I needed help in an emergency. The parents from Yr 6 who do talk to me are those who either also have a sibling in Yr 5 or whose Yr6 child is in a sports team with DC2.

There is a class WhatsApp for Yr5, started by the parents rep and running since Yr3, where random messages about homework and gifts for the teacher pop up. Most recently the return time from the combined Yr5&Yr6 residential. Teacher called first parent on the class list to let them know and parent posted to the WhatsApp chat.

DC1 didn't go on the residential. I find it hard to believe the teacher wrote an email whilst on the coach back and added all 25 other parents individually rather than use the Yr6 mailing list. Especially as he knew DC2 was on the trip. I also don't really believe the parents followed the telephone list and didn't call me because most didn't know DC1 wasn't going. I therefore suspect that there is a class WhatsApp also for Yr6 to which I am not invited.

However, there could be another explanation as to how all the other parents were notified. And the class has the same teacher for two years so there hasn't been a need for a whole group message about an end of year gift yet. Although come to think of there was an issue at the end of Yr4 for the class gift.

YABU - you're overthinking and being paranoid, of course there's no WhatsApp group.
YANBU - probably there is.

It’s very likely there is one and you’re not on it because of your DS’s SEN.
Are you missing out on anything by not being on there?

ProposedWarning · 10/03/2023 08:55

OP I would just ask directly. Mention your other child’s class has one and you just wanted to check. In a relaxed curious way rather than upset manner.

I don’t have a child with SEN or know anyone in that position. But I can believe these stories and I am so disappointed at the ostracising going on. As if these families don’t have enough going on. Who blanks a family because their child has extra needs?? Just awful. I have nothing useful to add but I am really sorry this is happening to people.

Justalittlebitduckling · 10/03/2023 09:01

I would just send a message to the Year 5 group saying, hi please could someone add me to the year 6 group. Thanks. (If there’s other parents with DC in both year groups).

coffeeisthebest · 10/03/2023 09:02

Hi OP, in your title you asked if you are not on the WhatsApp group because of your child's special needs. This isn't what you are asking though, this appears to be solely about you and some pretty hefty assumptions being made about other parents. Maybe take a breather, have a conversation directly with another year 6 parent and ask if there is a WhatsApp group, and try not to make sweeping generalisations because one parent said their kid would like to use a laptop in class.

Justalittlebitduckling · 10/03/2023 09:04

I’m a school governor and there’s been a lot of drama on class WhatsApp groups, including negative comments about particular children and their behaviour. Bad enough that it went all the way up to governors to deal with. Tricky because the school don’t have any power to deal with them, because they’re completely separate from the school but they can affect the dynamics on the playground.

Lwrenagain · 10/03/2023 09:05

HMTheQueenMuffin · 10/03/2023 07:10

I would flat out ask if there is one and ask to be put on it. It might simply be an oversight.

Actually, I probably need to ask to be on ours. I am not on it (resisted for both DCs for a good 3 years now) after the great Wtsapp blowup scandal of 2018 where one mother photo dumped pics of her DD winning a swimming comp on it and another called her a cunt.

This really cheered me up 😂😂😂

ZeldaB · 10/03/2023 09:05

I’d be surprised if there was no wattsapp group at all for your year. But you may not have been excluded maliciously.

Is tour child leaving the school at the end of year six? If so I’d just leave it all alone, but if you are stuck with these people next year maybe the nicest parent if there is a wattsapp group and to add you.

Fifi0000 · 10/03/2023 09:05

Do schools really have a class WhatsApp? My DDs school doesn't and I wouldn't be bothered if I wasn't invited. In year 5/6 the kids bring you the letters updates and I get an email once a week from them. It's really not needed and I don't think my DD would be happy she gets embarrassed. I think this age the parents start pulling back naturally from schools as more parents work full time and the DC generally become more independent. I wouldn't get upset about it.