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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I'm not on the class WhatsApp because of DS's SN?

113 replies

AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 07:06

DC1 (Yr6) has ASD. He doesn't really have any friends (there's one boy who will chat with him if no one else is around to see, will call for him to play on the Switch if he has no other plans) and is mostly left alone at school. He hasn't been bullied since Yr2. He is never invited to other people's houses, people decline invites to us, has never been invited to a birthday party etc etc. He is not violent, noisy, over-active, obnoxious or anything, he is simply far more childish than his peers and has unusual interests. At break times he plays with the younger children. Most parents are quite stand-offish at parent's events, some resent that DC1 is allowed to use a computer for some work and has a TA for a few lessons a week.

DC2 (Yr5) has many friends and a truly lovely class, and I know I could call pretty much anyone on the class list if I needed help in an emergency. The parents from Yr 6 who do talk to me are those who either also have a sibling in Yr 5 or whose Yr6 child is in a sports team with DC2.

There is a class WhatsApp for Yr5, started by the parents rep and running since Yr3, where random messages about homework and gifts for the teacher pop up. Most recently the return time from the combined Yr5&Yr6 residential. Teacher called first parent on the class list to let them know and parent posted to the WhatsApp chat.

DC1 didn't go on the residential. I find it hard to believe the teacher wrote an email whilst on the coach back and added all 25 other parents individually rather than use the Yr6 mailing list. Especially as he knew DC2 was on the trip. I also don't really believe the parents followed the telephone list and didn't call me because most didn't know DC1 wasn't going. I therefore suspect that there is a class WhatsApp also for Yr6 to which I am not invited.

However, there could be another explanation as to how all the other parents were notified. And the class has the same teacher for two years so there hasn't been a need for a whole group message about an end of year gift yet. Although come to think of there was an issue at the end of Yr4 for the class gift.

YABU - you're overthinking and being paranoid, of course there's no WhatsApp group.
YANBU - probably there is.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 09:11

Is tour child leaving the school at the end of year six?
yes. All will go to technically the same secondary, although it is split across two buildings, and essentially run as two separate schools.

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 10/03/2023 09:14

I don't really know any other parents at my sons school and we got to the whatsapp group in a convoluted way via a local facebook group, then a class facebook group, then a whatsapp. If I didn't use facebook I would never have ended up on it tbh.

I should probably make a bit more of an effort with the other mums as he is only 5 at the moment but will probably want to do stuff with friends in the future. Food for thought. My son is also 'young' for his year with suspected ADHD.

Mortimercat · 10/03/2023 09:18

inappropriateraspberry · 10/03/2023 07:51

I'm a little lost from your OP. Did you not get the message at all, or are the teachers aware you're not on the WhatsApp groups and emailed you but you think they wouldn't have emailed everyone else?
If the latter, they could have a group email set up for each year with the other recipients addresses hidden for privacy/security.

A little lost. I am absolutely baffled as to what OP means - other than she does seem to think there is a huge conspiracy somewhere.

sjxoxo · 10/03/2023 09:18

We also live abroad and tbh I think the culture can be so different that many responses here wouldn’t really make any sense to the (native) parents’ or teacher. I would approach the teacher directly and say is there a way she can communicate directly with you or with everyone as the current system isn’t working and WhatsApp isn’t sufficient to pass on official info. Can school secretary contact you? WhatsApp is too informal for this sort of info imo. It can be hard if you are living in another culture where communication is challenging, even if there’s no language barrier there is still difficulties in accessing information like others would be able to. Which country are you in? I would approach the school directly if I were you xxx

Fifi0000 · 10/03/2023 09:22

I can't believe the school are contacting over WhatsApp what about the GDPR regulations? If DD is late getting back from residential I receive an email and telephone call from the office. The bus crashed one time (minor) and the school rang me imagine how much more parents would get into a tizz if they found out over WhatsApp ? I've never felt a need to get involved in all that , DD gets invited to parties and she hands me the letters. The school should be contacting you and there's no need for a school whatsapp at a certain age.

VictorStrand · 10/03/2023 09:23

Why would you not assume that Y6 used the 'call the next parent' process but didn't call you because your DS wasn't on the trip?

Maybe it's different in your school but we have had years where there is a WhatsApp group and years where they don't have one. Even when there is one, not all parents are on it.

Original poster
AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 09:24

Can school secretary contact you?
The secretary only works Mon & Wed mornings.

@Mortimercat & @inappropriateraspberry I got the message about the coach return through the Yr 5 parents WhatsApp group.

There were no emails or texts from teachers.

I was idly wondering how all the Yr 6 parents found out when the coach would be back.

OP posts:
redskylight · 10/03/2023 09:27

In this day and age it seems very odd that the school's method of communication is to get parents to ring down a list, rather than using emails or text messages (or DC's school does both).

I wouldn't assume there is a class WhatsApp group though - this is the sort of information that gets passed round by word of mouth. And do some of the children have their own phones?

Original poster
AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 09:27

@VictorStrand most parents were surprised to see him at the pick-up point. Ergo most didn't know he didn't go. So unless the original message of the telephone list was "coach will be back early at 1545, don't call Always, her DS didn't go"...

OP posts:
MeridianB · 10/03/2023 09:35

I'm really sad to read how your son is treated - and how parents ignore you. Is it worth exploring meet-ups or time with the Y5 kids for him if he prefers their company?

At our school they are red hot on data protection and the school office sends an email at the start of the year with the number for the WA group, which parents can then choose to join or not. I'd just check with school office and ask them to contact the rep to add you.

BrutusMcDogface · 10/03/2023 09:36

HMTheQueenMuffin · 10/03/2023 07:10

I would flat out ask if there is one and ask to be put on it. It might simply be an oversight.

Actually, I probably need to ask to be on ours. I am not on it (resisted for both DCs for a good 3 years now) after the great Wtsapp blowup scandal of 2018 where one mother photo dumped pics of her DD winning a swimming comp on it and another called her a cunt.

😂😂😂 brilliant! I mute the WhatsApp parent groups and check them every now and then.

I think you’re being a little paranoid, op. I agree you should ask outright.

zingally · 10/03/2023 09:39

Maybe I'm mis-reading, but if your DC1 didn't go on the trip anyway, why did you need a notification about it?

Is it likely that this is less about a whatsapp group, and more about the fact that your DC1, and you by proxy, have had a fairly miserable primary school experience? Especially when seen in contrast with DC2s experience.

And what's with the negative talk around the one boy he is friendly with?

He talks to him at school, but...
He calls for him at home, but...
Maybe try a little harder to encourage the friendship?

But for what its worth, Year 6 is nearly over. It's 4 months. Put these people, and all the associated petty drama out of your head, and concentrate on getting your DC over the finish line and start looking ahead to secondary.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/03/2023 09:40

My advice would be to email the school secretary because they clearly have a system in place (the phone tree) and ask them to liaise with the parent rep for your older son's class to ensure that all parents/guardians are included on the class WhatsApp group, so that any notification gets circulated to ALL parents/guardians at all times. Then it is up to the parent/guardian whether the message relates to their child or not.

Wnikat · 10/03/2023 09:47

Just ask another year 6 parent to add you to the whatsapp. The class rep doesn't go round choosing who is and isn't in the list. You have to ask to be added. No-one is deliberately excluding your child, honestly.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 10/03/2023 09:48

If you're not the UK OP, possibly advice here won't be that useful, I'm not sure British schools would be allowed to use the system that you describe.

I never belonged to a class WA group when my DD was in Primary (have no idea if there was one actually). At secondary, a few of us parents who had kids in the same Primary school started a WA group and between us we manage to cover any queries about school. Most of our kids aren't friends with each other and a couple have SEN but all us mums get on well and socialise.

I'd hate being in a WA group with people I don't like.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 10/03/2023 09:48

Class WA groups are cringe. As are group gifts. And I’m a teacher. They cause nothing but problems and it’s great as a 40+ hour a week professional to have to deal with class arguments about what someone’s Mum said to some else’s Mum on the WhatsApp chat 😳🙄 you’re better off out of it 😅.

SparkyBlue · 10/03/2023 09:51

OP there may or may not be a WhatsApp group but I think your real issue is that you feel so left out of things. I totally and utterly understand and empathise. I have a DS with asd and my other two children are having such a different school experience. Actually we moved him this year to a different school with an asd class where he is thriving and actually making friends so life has changed drastically for him but the previous two years in primary school were horrible. He was never bullied and no one did anything bad to him at all but my god the feeling that was there of being different and being left out of things was awful. When you have other children you know how things normally work so you know when you are being (very politely) excluded

schoolwhatsappsucks · 10/03/2023 09:58

Name changed as it could be very outing if anyone knows me.

My son is in year 7 now, but through out primary, myself and two friends were completely shunned by the year whatsapp - my friends sons have additional needs (ASD/ADHD), and as they're my best friends, they treated me the same. There were two main ring leaders to this, and it caused a lot of pain for my friends, that their children were being excluded and frankly ostracised because of these two Mums. They also did a lot of gossiping and whispering - obviously having utterly perfect children themselves (they're the mummy bragging on facebook types about their precious angels) - and it was actually really toxic.

It's been a shock this week to find out that one of them has just been appointed to the wellbeing team at our kids high school. Pretty disgusted about it actually. They are all sweet on the outside (calls people angel and sweetie all the time) but really hideous on the inside.

davegrohll · 10/03/2023 09:59

What's all this about coordinated teachers gifts ? I'm not in a WhatsApp group for my sons class! Don't even know if there is one...

Fifi0000 · 10/03/2023 10:05

schoolwhatsappsucks · 10/03/2023 09:58

Name changed as it could be very outing if anyone knows me.

My son is in year 7 now, but through out primary, myself and two friends were completely shunned by the year whatsapp - my friends sons have additional needs (ASD/ADHD), and as they're my best friends, they treated me the same. There were two main ring leaders to this, and it caused a lot of pain for my friends, that their children were being excluded and frankly ostracised because of these two Mums. They also did a lot of gossiping and whispering - obviously having utterly perfect children themselves (they're the mummy bragging on facebook types about their precious angels) - and it was actually really toxic.

It's been a shock this week to find out that one of them has just been appointed to the wellbeing team at our kids high school. Pretty disgusted about it actually. They are all sweet on the outside (calls people angel and sweetie all the time) but really hideous on the inside.

Please don't get upset about these waste of space people. They obviously don't have a life outside of gossiping about their DCs school. It says it all when they get a job on the high school wellbeing team , obviously they cannot let go. Maybe they should get some other hobbies what will they do when the DC leave school ?
Feel sorry for them that they have such little lives.

Twinsmummy1812 · 10/03/2023 10:11

They always set up a separate text/Whatsapp chain for a day out or residential comprising all the kids on the trip, so you shouldn’t have received anything for DC1 because he didn’t go. I’m sorry he is being left out of things though x

FrenchandSaunders · 10/03/2023 10:11

@HMTheQueenMuffin that made me laugh 😂

leafittome · 10/03/2023 10:16

There may or may not be a WhatsApp group. However I don't think the reason you are not on it is necessarily that your child has SEN as such. If people haven't got your number stored in their phones they might not have thought to add you when it was first established. Maybe the WhatsApp group grew organically from a small number of mums and it isn't them purposely excluding you. Some people don't want to be added to WhatsApp groups and the admin might only add people when they ask- it may not occur to them to check with everyone as others have just asked at the school gate? Your brain isn't giving people the benefit of the doubt. I think it's just as likely you aren't on it because you haven't asked and aren't close to a lot of the parents - nothing to do with your son as such and not in any way a campaign against you. Try and view things in a more positive way rather than assuming the worse in people.
I have ND children with EHCPs in a mainstream school and I know it can be tough however I am just as responsible for making an effort with the NTs as they are with me. Just ask someone directly and then you'll know (and can be added).
Also maybe the person who was upset about the laptop was just thinking their child would benefit from using one too and I can understand that.

Original poster
AlwaysTheOutsider · 10/03/2023 10:17

They always set up a separate text/Whatsapp chain for a day out or residential comprising all the kids on the trip,

No. They do not. My DD was on the trip.

OP posts:
Choconut · 10/03/2023 10:27

I think the question really is - do you want to be on the whatsapp group if there is one? If you're not keen on the other parents/kids as they don't sound like a great lot then I wouldn't bother. See it as a win because you won't be being hounded for some ridiculous amount of money for an end of term present/card for the teachers that you never even get to even see or sign.

I'd just do your own thing and not worry about the whatsapp group, you've survived this long without it and you've only got a few months left now.