Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh handled neighbours terribly?

303 replies

whippedlemons · 08/03/2023 22:37

Good Evening,

I thought I'd ask on here to gauge if I'm lacking in complete boundaries or if my husband over reacted.

So we recently moved into a ground floor maisonette, we have the back garden. The previous tenant was quite friendly with next door and he would let their children play in the garden etc. when next door fitted a conservatory they took down the whole hedge and built it on the boundary line so I look out my kitchen window directly to their conservatory wall. They left a space between the wall to the hedge so they have access to our garden. (E.g when they had chickens, they would wander around the garden (pre us moving in as they died a few days prior) )

At one point they've fitted a outdoor tap under my kitchen window (this was all previously so fair enough) and use the water from this flat (I'm guessing their on a meter)

Fast forward to now, we've moved in, made friends with them, I get along with the wife etc and I like her

He asked to use the water so I said yes few months back, but often would just walk through his garden through the gap to use it, sometimes daily.

Where as I didn't want to disrupt what they've been custom to for years my husband finds it incredibly invasive and hates it.

Well today as we were all eating dinner in our living room, we hear the water tap being used outside so my husband gets up without warning and basically has a go at him telling him to stop coming in without At least asking and he wouldn't like it if we just walked in their back garden doing what we want. He was quite aggressive the way it came across.

My husband said I lack boundaries and get walked over but I feel so awkward as we are not on a meter and don't see the harm as such (maybe they should ask each time, but if I say yes they probably assume what's the point)

So basically am I being unreasonable to be slightly annoyed at my husband for having a go at him? As I don't want things to be awkward when we've only been here a few months?

OP posts:
Motnight · 09/03/2023 09:47

Aweebitpainful · 09/03/2023 09:35

Chickens didn’t do that lol.

😂🤣😂🤣

weirdoboelady · 09/03/2023 09:55

I agree with people who have suggested apologising to the neighbours for mixed messages, but reinforcing what DH has said. But I am also confused. There is a HA involved? Do they EVER reply to correspondence? What do they have to say about access to this tap?

JustKeepGoingThere · 09/03/2023 09:55

I'm agree with you OP. I would be really mad at your husband too. I can't stand it when people immediately jump to being angry when they have even tried to deal with something diplomatically.

It's pathetic and aggressive.

I obviously wouldn't want my neighbours using my garden so I would have said something but I'd have been polite and only ramped it up as needed.

I can't stand people who are quick tempered.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/03/2023 09:57

Why are they using your water and not their own.
It's not that difficult to run a hoze pipe off their own tap.

Considering that it's a huge amount more faff for them to keep coming over for all their water needs rather than just use taps in their own home, I don't think there would be any difficulty at all; they just don't want to pay for it.

I bet they're filling up buckets to keep in their bathroom and using them to manually flush the toilet as well, rather than using the chain and paying for it themselves. If they thought they could get away with it, I'll bet they'd fix a permanent extension from OP's water supply into their own home.

As we see on the regular threads about serial lift-takers who never ever contribute, on the grounds that 'you were going there anyway', some people quite cheerfully freeload without ever feeling the need to pay their way.

Not that it would be strictly legal, but they could always have made an 'unofficial' agreement that they would both share one unmetered supply and just pay half each, so they'd both benefit from the saving; but they would much prefer to take ALL of the 'saving' for themselves, without any benefit at all to OP for all the inconvenience they're causing.

FictionalCharacter · 09/03/2023 10:04

whippedlemons · 08/03/2023 22:57

They did.
The previous tenant was disabled, so didn't use his garden. Also upstairs tenant told me when we first moved in that my stop tap is also for her water supply too and she has access to the water and told me if I turn my stop tap off then it shuts her whole water off. (I checked this, and she never came once to tell me her waters off, and when I turn my stop tap off the outside does not work)

She has some of the garden too. It was fenced off (4ft fence) and gated but apparently the neighbours old chickens broke the gate so that's something we need to fix as anyone from the street can potentially walk through upstairs garden straight into mine etc and it's a safety concern on that side too.

Show quote history

So the upstairs tenant AND the next door neighbours are helping themselves to your property and water. You really should put your foot down now. Upstairs tenant doesn’t “have “ some of your garden (unless you mean it’s officially partly hers and it’s marked on the deeds, but I don’t think you do mean that - it would be extremely unusual).
Chickens can’t break 4 foot fences. These people are lying to you. They took advantage of the previous tenant and want to do the same to you.
How did they fit a tap under your kitchen window so they can come onto your property and use your water?! What does the landlord have to say about all this?
Your DH is right. These people need to be told that the informal agreement they claim to have had no longer exists, because he’s no longer the tenant, and you want to use your garden as a private garden - as is your right.

FictionalCharacter · 09/03/2023 10:11

starfishmummy · 09/03/2023 09:10

First I'd be getting the tap removed or at least locked.

Then I'd check the deeds to find out about the boundaries and restore them. Is it possible the gap is because there is a right of way for the neighbour - obviously your solicitor should have found this out if there is. Obviously if you don't own the particular boundary anything you put up to close gaps will need to be wholly on your side of the boundary line.

OP is a tenant so won’t have the deeds. Boundary issues are for the landlord to deal with.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/03/2023 10:17

Your DH is right. These people need to be told that the informal agreement they claim to have had no longer exists,

They may never have had an agreement in the first place, mind. They could have done their disabled neighbour 'a favour' and grabbed their opportunity, without the neighbour ever knowing.

Or they may have somehow sneaked in as the neighbour was moving out - it's far from uncommon for chancers to do outrageous things just before new neighbours move in and then attempt to gaslight the new people that 'it's always been that way' and that they are being unreasonable and getting off on a bad foot to expect to 'change' things now.

ladycarlotta · 09/03/2023 10:27

whippedlemons · 08/03/2023 23:00

Yes! This is what I told him afterwards.

I think I'm annoyed at the delivery

Show quote history

yeah, it' not U to be annoyed that they are doing this or to tell them they can't any more, but as far as they are concerned from their perspective, you told them it was fine to do it and then your husband came out and shouted at them. Like it's really only CF of them if you have told them that you won't be continuing the arrangement that they had with the previous resident.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/03/2023 10:35

Like it's really only CF of them if you have told them that you won't be continuing the arrangement that they had with the previous resident.

Maybe he shouldn't have shouted; but anybody in their position must know that they were taking an unusual massive advantage that virtually nobody would be happy with, and so it would be up to them to (vainly) hope that they might be able to continue to get away with it, rather than just assume that it was fine.

It's not a normal starting point that people who move into their own new home would gladly have their neighbours treating their private garden as a free-for-all.

bonzaitree · 09/03/2023 10:35

There is a delicate art to getting what you want from people OP.

sounds like you’re not standing up for yourself enough and DH is going too far the other way and being agressive.

There is an art to cheerfully but firmly negotiating your boundaries.

bonzaitree · 09/03/2023 10:37

FictionalCharacter · 09/03/2023 10:11

OP is a tenant so won’t have the deeds. Boundary issues are for the landlord to deal with.

Show quote history

nonsense.

deeds are available to everyone on the land registry website for a normal fee.

billy1966 · 09/03/2023 10:46

Your husband may have been abrupt innhis manner but I 100% agree with him.

These people are CF.

Block their access.

Inform the HA about the conservatory.

If they are looking in on top of your garden, I would want your privacy restored.

Also inform the HA of the fence being damaged and your children not being safe.

Call them but follow up with a letter/email confirming everything.

These precedents never end well.

They could well have bullied the last tenant.

I would be very wary of them.

BrightPurple · 09/03/2023 10:47

So you can’t use your garden as it was intended, as it’s currently not safe for your DC to play in and the CF water lifter next door, comes and goes anytime! Bloody nightmare.

While I do understand your DH frustration, he has gone about this the wrong way.

Think he needs to apologise but that the arrangement doesn’t work for your family, there’s no security in your garden, you have no privacy, and that you mistakenly assumed they’d occasionally need use of the outside tap!

I’d be tempted to turn it off permanently, OP. Do you ever need to use it? If you currently have cold whether I’d be worried about potential bursts from an outdoor tap, causing flooding to your property.

Time to really do some homework with your LL in the meantime.

OhLordyWhatNow · 09/03/2023 10:48

'There is an art to cheerfully but firmly negotiating your boundaries.'

The best I heard was from my great aunt telling my granny
"Hmmm, no, that's not convenient for me"
when Granny was asking to visit her home.

It's polite, has a definite 'no' and isn't open to interpretation.

MeridianB · 09/03/2023 10:48

Is NDN using the outside tap to water his own garden? That's weird.

I agree with your DH that they need to stop coming into your garden altogether - it's way too casual and frequent and is now intrusive. Close the gap in the fence/wall and explain politely that you need to make some changes for privacy reasons.

WisherWood · 09/03/2023 10:56

sounds like you’re not standing up for yourself enough and DH is going too far the other way and being agressive.

IME with couples who have been together for a while, they can start to compensate for one another's behaviour. One might be a bit snappy, so the other apologises, so the other gets snappier because the apology wasn't really necessary and onwards into a downward spiral. This may be where the OP and her DH are at. He may feel driven to aggression by her lack of boundaries and her response is to appease because he's been aggressive.

They could talk about this and get into a virtuous circle rather than a vicious one, where she learns to stand up for herself more and he learns that whilst he's right, his tone needs some serious work.

maddy68 · 09/03/2023 11:08

Agree with DH. But could have handled it better

SinnerBoy · 09/03/2023 11:12

I agree that he was brusque, but he was and is right. You should check with the water company if you have, or need a hosepipe licence, which you may be paying for. If so, you're paying for his water use.

Get a fence, or hedge in the gap and let them know that they can't use your facilities any more. Personally, I wouldn't bother with checking about the conservatory; as others have said, you still have to live next to them and if the council makes them demolish it....

SinnerBoy · 09/03/2023 11:16

Emotionalsupportviper · Today 08:12

Heh! This one was in Kok Tebe, Kazakhstan and not much less than waist high:

www.flickr.com/photos/48541674@N00/458896740/in/dateposted/

Kennykenkencat · 09/03/2023 11:18

whippedlemons · 09/03/2023 00:38

I had been told by the HA that it will be fixed soon, and it's the neighbours responsibility for the hedge that got cut down.

So we have been waiting for the fence and gate to be fixed But after chasing the HA, we've realised that they are taking forever, even though I can't let my children in the garden as they can run round into the open front.

So we decided that we will have to fork out the costs of it all soon.

We moved from down south so I was just happy to have friendly neighbours and be part of a street but I'm just confused if we was being petty.

Show quote history

Good fences make good neighbours.

What happened before really has nothing to do with you.

I moved down south to escape this type of thing

Aweebitpainful · 09/03/2023 11:22

I’m sorry I’m still laughing about the chickens breaking a fence and gate…

I love chickens. I had chickens. One day one flew over the fence into next doors garden and they were found eating their birdseed off the floor in the shed! She would have done that every day if I allowed her.

They can cause damage to flowers and small foliage if they like the taste of it…

BUT

How stupid does your neighbour think you are? Fuck sake… 😆 that’s tickled me.

evemillbank · 09/03/2023 11:37

Your husband is right. The boundaries need putting firmly back in place

NotQuiteHere · 09/03/2023 11:38

You and your husband need to treat the neighbours in the same way. If you told them it is ok, they assumed that your husband doesn't mind as well. He was unreasonable shouting at the neighbours. You could have discussed this together and then talked to the neighbours in a calm way.

GabriellaMontez · 09/03/2023 11:47

The tap in your garden, on your house, connected to your water supply is your tap.

What makes you believe their story? Its so obviously made up. They're CFs.

Team DH

Kittlbua · 09/03/2023 12:11

DH should not have been aggressive but I agree with them.
The neighbours are cheeky fuckers. They just don't want to pay for the water. It's outrageous to install a tap on someone else's property, connected to their water supply and then merrily wander in daily to use water through a gap in the wall.

And as for the marauding chickens, other chicken owners need to learn from this. Don't let them watch "Chicken Run" as it only gives them ideas and the next thing they are vandalizing everything.