To wonder if I'm at fault?

[prettyraindrops]

DH has had several speeding fines. His last one came through in November, but the letter got put away and he didn't see it.
So now as he's only just responded there is a threat of court and a £1k fine.
He's taking it out on me saying I should say sorry as it was me who put the letter in the cupboard apparently.. I don't remember but if it was it must've been on the side ages and I thought I was junk Mail.

He's says I've "really fucked him over" and I "owe him an apology" and I'm not taking responsibility for me actions?

AIBU to think it's not right wanting me to apologise and take what feels like half the blame for something I may or may not have done? We weren't even living together full time in November as we had separated for a while!

You could also mention that this situation could have been avoided if a) he hadn't been speeding in the first place and b) if he dealt with his post the day it arrived. Whichever I could not stay married to a man who talked to me like that.

Is this latest offence likely to take him to a points disqualification level? Just wondering if this is why he is reacting as badly as he is.
Either way, no excuse for him to speak to you like that, and I would be getting rid.

He does hate me half the time I think. This was his reply to the message I screenshot -

“Not sure why I’m having to justify myself”

“I won’t tolerate this uncalled for abuse”

“Wont accept being spoken to in this way”

Always you isn’t, you’re always the victim. Wont even acknowledge the shit you’ve thrown me in.

It won’t have been “on the side for ages” or was obvious from looking at it what it was, I’d have opened it immediately. That’s why I opened it the second I saw it!

But instead of being apologetic and understanding of the situation I’m in. It’s all about playing the victim and making out like I’m the bad guy when all I’ve done is call you out for not giving a flying fuck about the shit you’ve dropped me in!

I’d be so apologetic if I had done it to you. Asking what I could do to help, you don’t fucking care. More concerned that I might have said a naughty word!

I'm not 100% sure but I think it could be. He needs to drive for his job.

put it this way, if he went to court and said well it’s not my fault it got this far my Partner hid the post and I didn’t see the fine come through.

do you think the courts would in any way considered that mitigating circumstances?! They’d be looking at him like the mug he is and would be reading him his rights about the fact this is not his first time speeding. Getting a few fines for speeding is NOT normal or acceptable. He clearly thinks he’s above the law and has complete disregard for road safety. People who drive like shits usually tend to be shitty people
too. His not showing himself to be a pleasant person and frankly you’ve done yourself both a favour IF you were at fault (you’re not) and the best thing you can do is to back well off him and let him mess up his own life. Wouldn’t put it past him to suggest you taking the points for him to “correct” your fault.

anyone who spoke to me like he’s speaking to you wouldn’t be in my life much less romantically!

This is a silly argument really but the undertone is what worries me! It sounds like he needs to grow the hell up, learn how to communicate and show you a little respect! I absolutely would not put up with my DH talking to me like that! If my DH asked me I would of said ‘l am so sorry if I did, but I really don’t remember doing it’ and that would of been it, we would of called up and tried to resolve it together. We definitely would’ve met in the middle because I would of tried to help and felt guilty, and he would’ve never treated me like something off his shoe even if I had made a mistake

OP, are you sure you will be safe with him while he is so angry (and it seems to me like he is working himself up rather than calming down)?

He is a twat,

He has been caught bang to rights, but yet he is trying to blame you?

Tell him to be a 'big boy; and ask for photo evidence. That will sort it.

If he’s facing a driving ban it’s because of the number of points he’d accrued speeding - not because of some mishap with the notification. Don’t let him twist it.

He's a prick and he wants you to pay his fine. Leave him instead, properly.

Not your fault.

He's a dick.

You'd be better off without him. What a delusional selfish reckless mean fool.

Multiple speeding fines? What a prince.

He can go to court and explain he missed the letter and see what happens.

Don't give him a penny.

So your husband knows that you tidy away things that have been left out, including mail - but he doesn't see it as his responsibility to check the cupboard and sort out the crap that doesn't have a home?

He needs to stop trying to find an angle to blame you. Sorry to say but I think it’s clear that your relationship is over as he’s showing you such contempt over nothing tangible that you’ve done. He was the one speeding yet you’re the one being guilt tripped

Perfect response! Then block him.

Also make sure to tell him he’s going to court because of HIM. Not you. He was always going to eventually end up in court by continuing to speed after being constantly caught out.

He is not a good driver (speeds AND isn't looking out well enough to spot big yellow cameras- he isn't safe)

He is a rude and weak partner (can't even take responsibility for his own actions)

He is messy and leaves you to clear up after him at his place

You don't like him much

Why are you with him? He must have some amazing redeeming features .

What a waste of space he is! Tell him to stop fucking speeding, then he wouldn't have this problem. What an arsehole!

even if it is partly your fault about the letter, the way he's spoken to you is utterly vile!

Send him one last message that says, 'No, mate. This is typical you. Typically unpleasant, typically abusive, typically looking for someone else to blame for the mess you've made of things. I am now done with you. There was a very good reason we separated and I will be moving on gratefully alone.

Good luck in court!"

And mean it, OP! He's a waste of space and the contempt he feels for you comes across in every text. Leave him.

Thanks everyone

Message this morning -

at least you won’t lose your driving license.

I’ll happily apologise for calling you names but you won’t accept you’ve stitched me right up (purposely or not) and you can’t even bring yourself to apologise for that so why the fuck should I apologise when you can’t accept you’ve done anything wrong (by mistake or not)

If you gave even the sightest shit about me you’d be apologetic but you just don’t care - that’s why I’m wound up!

But you don’t see you’ve done anything wrong and can’t even apologise meaningfully for it 🤷🏼‍♂️ if the shoe was on the other foot it would be a different story

So I replied

Are you kidding me? At least twice in that message the undertone was you think I would do that on purpose. That’s how little you think of me? Why the actual hell would I do that? I said I was sorry but I can’t give a heartfelt apology for something I don’t even remember doing!!

I'm willing to put money on this exchange and situation just one in a long line of similar moments where he has attacked you for things you think are unnecessary or he's over reacted. He uses aggressive and very personal language to attack you and when you try to defend yourself, he simply turns it on you.

It has all the classic signs of a narcissistic rage and honestly, there's no point in continuing to debate this. Your choices are to tell him you're right, you're super sorry and you obviously did take the letter and shouldn't have done so. If you do this, he will calm down (but he won't apologise for the way he treated you, even though he says above he will) and he will be appeased for a while. But it will happen again. Even if you go into hyper alert mode to try and head it off.

Or choice 2: you can see this as a further sign that this relationship probably isn't going to last.

What's so clever about this type of strategy is that he is focused on one small thing - his belief that you moved his pst when you shouldn't have. And it allows him to completely ignore and override any concerns you may have about his behaviour or responses and also to play the victim.

But honestly, I couldn't be with someone who clearly doesn't like me. and he clearly doesn't like you. Or that's how I'd take it.

Why are you engaging in this tantrum? Neither or you agree with the other, and if you do apologise it's only because it has been coerced out of you. Like a pp said, I get the impression this is a familiar dance in your relationship. Just stop. Stop responding. Stop defending yourself because he doesn't actually care. He just wants to take his mood out on you.