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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I'm at fault?

149 replies

prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 17:25

DH has had several speeding fines. His last one came through in November, but the letter got put away and he didn't see it.
So now as he's only just responded there is a threat of court and a £1k fine.
He's taking it out on me saying I should say sorry as it was me who put the letter in the cupboard apparently.. I don't remember but if it was it must've been on the side ages and I thought I was junk Mail.

He's says I've "really fucked him over" and I "owe him an apology" and I'm not taking responsibility for me actions?

AIBU to think it's not right wanting me to apologise and take what feels like half the blame for something I may or may not have done? We weren't even living together full time in November as we had separated for a while!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 08/03/2023 19:41

Why the hell would you want to stay married to someone who speaks to you like that?

blackpearwhitelilies · 08/03/2023 19:43

Were there no more letters in the meantime? I’m surprised there wasn’t a follow up before now.
Either way you’re not in the wrong, I don’t think. He sounds absolutely horrible.

Minfilia · 08/03/2023 19:47

There would have been at least two letters before the £1k fine kicked in.

He is not BU to be angry that his post was moved so he didn’t see it.

He is being VERY U to abuse you over it.

However annoyed I’ve been at DH in the past, I’ve somehow managed not to swear and throw personal insults at him…

Quveas · 08/03/2023 19:48

If he stops speeding, there would be no letters. His fault. As an adult who drives he is responsible for obeying the law. Not blaming someone else for anything.

Justmeandthedog1 · 08/03/2023 19:50

The mail arrived addressed to him. His responsibility to open it and act upon it.
If it was left in the normal place for mail for 3-5 days he had amp,e time to do that. His problem to sort out.
While he’s being so abusive I’d block him. And make plans to leave asap.

Sassyfox · 08/03/2023 19:52

I would be annoyed at you for putting the letter away.

But I would be even more annoyed at you trying to pass the blame and give a half arsed apology.

Original poster
prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 19:55

@Sassyfox I've given an apology for my part, if I did have a part to play in it. If he didn't come straight in and attack me and say it's all my fault I would probably have been more inclined to give a better apology. He shouldn't have been speeding and he should open his post soon as he sees it. His fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 19:56

I've blocked him for the night as I'm trying to get both children to bed and the abuse is draining me.

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 08/03/2023 19:56

He is to blame for repeatedly driving too fast and it doesn’t sound like he’s very nice to you.

Justalittlebitduckling · 08/03/2023 19:58

prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 18:03

"This, in a nutshell sums you up. As long as you’re alright bollocks to anyone else.

I might have to go to fucking court cause of you and you don’t even have an ounce of sympathy, no sorry, nothing! You just don’t give a fuck about anyone but yourself"

Is the latest.

I personally wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who spoke to me like that.

Justalittlebitduckling · 08/03/2023 20:00

prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 18:20

I've just sent this..

I don’t think you like each other, OP. I don’t think you like him and I don’t think he likes you. I’m sorry.

GilmoreGirl58 · 08/03/2023 20:02

Regardless of whether you put the letter in the cupboard or not (and it sounds to me like you’re pretty on top of this sort of thing and wouldn’t have just blindly thrown a letter in) the way he is speaking to you and making the issue about the letter being in the cupboard and not about his speeding and quite frankly his lack of life admin, is appalling.

My ex used to speak to me like this and I thought that was my lot in life, to be spoken to with such disrespect from the person who was supposed to love me. Don’t settle for this and do not accept his abuse! You’ve done nothing wrong in this situation and he’s taking his anger and annoyance at his mistake out on you. Bang out of order, I’d be telling him to pack his shit and speed off to fuck for good this time!!

Walkaround · 08/03/2023 20:10

If he’s had several speeding fines, it’s about time he went to court, anyway. He is clearly not a man capable of any remorse, so why he expects it from others is a mystery.

Has he apologised for being a slovenly bastard who leaves letters lying around for days on end, yet?

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 08/03/2023 20:12

prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 19:56

I've blocked him for the night as I'm trying to get both children to bed and the abuse is draining me.

Yes abusive behaviour is designed to…that’s why he’s doing it….it drags you down and makes you question yourself and you feel like it’s all your fault. Been there done that got the tshirt. 6 years happily divorced now.

At the moment you can’t see the wood for the trees but you need to think about the bigger picture and how to get out of this situation because it’s seriously unhealthy and he sounds horrible.

I wouldn’t be in a hurry to unblock him and if you do have to communicate then keep it simple do not get into this tit for tat back and forth ….you just need to say something like “not prepared to keep discussing this I have nothing else to say on the matter” and broken record technique keep replying that every time he tries to bring the conversation back to blaming you.

Richhandcream · 08/03/2023 20:13

Well, now you know how he really feels about you maybe you'll stay split?
As others have said, there won't have been only one letter. So even if you accidentally scooped up one, he's ignored at least one other.

AfraidToRun · 08/03/2023 20:16

So he has a complete disregard for speed limits and also basic human decency when communicating with a partner... sounds like an anti-authority bore.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 08/03/2023 20:17

He’s an arsehole and you should kick him to the curb.

But in future don’t mess with other people’s mail no matter how much it annoys you to see it out. I leave things I need to deal with out and if my husband put it away-well out of sight out of mind for me I’m afraid…I’m fucking useless hence the leaving it out. Luckily my DH is aware of my need to have a visual reminder so doesn’t move stuff.

Penguinsmum · 08/03/2023 20:19

He wouldn't be a life partner for me.

Sassyfox · 08/03/2023 20:20

I don’t think you like each other, OP. I don’t think you like him and I don’t think he likes you. I’m sorry.

I agree.

The relationship sounds like a complete car crash.

SheSaidHummingbird · 08/03/2023 20:21

Forget about the letter. Why the hell does he think it's okay to speak to anyone like this, let alone his wife. The letter is a red herring, please don't waste another second of your life with this asshole.

Emotionalsupportviper · 08/03/2023 20:21

prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 17:25

DH has had several speeding fines. His last one came through in November, but the letter got put away and he didn't see it.
So now as he's only just responded there is a threat of court and a £1k fine.
He's taking it out on me saying I should say sorry as it was me who put the letter in the cupboard apparently.. I don't remember but if it was it must've been on the side ages and I thought I was junk Mail.

He's says I've "really fucked him over" and I "owe him an apology" and I'm not taking responsibility for me actions?

AIBU to think it's not right wanting me to apologise and take what feels like half the blame for something I may or may not have done? We weren't even living together full time in November as we had separated for a while!

The one responsible is him.

If he hadn't broken the speed limit, there wouldn't have been a letter for you to misplace (supposing you did - maybe he hid it somewhere, or put it in a "safe place" and forgot about it.)

NomadicSpirit · 08/03/2023 20:24

He's got form for speeding, so I think I would have told him to "fuck off and quickly".

OP, its not your fault as you're aware and the little man child has to take responsibility. He's going to sound like a kid saying "my dog ate my homework" if he tries that excuse in court.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/03/2023 20:31

I doubt very much that it goes to court after one letter.

Why does he think that you need to hand him the post in his own home? Does he have form for not opening his mail? I hardly need to ask if he has form for blaming everyone else for whatever he does wrong.

grumpycow1 · 08/03/2023 20:34

EmbraceTheGrace · 08/03/2023 17:44

Good God , he's fishing for you to pay it
Tell him to go fuck himself and be responsible for his actions
Wanker

This!!!

Peachy2005 · 08/03/2023 20:35

He doesn’t sound like a keeper, sorry for your trouble 😢