Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I'm at fault?

149 replies

prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 17:25

DH has had several speeding fines. His last one came through in November, but the letter got put away and he didn't see it.
So now as he's only just responded there is a threat of court and a £1k fine.
He's taking it out on me saying I should say sorry as it was me who put the letter in the cupboard apparently.. I don't remember but if it was it must've been on the side ages and I thought I was junk Mail.

He's says I've "really fucked him over" and I "owe him an apology" and I'm not taking responsibility for me actions?

AIBU to think it's not right wanting me to apologise and take what feels like half the blame for something I may or may not have done? We weren't even living together full time in November as we had separated for a while!

OP posts:
Piggleton · 08/03/2023 18:28

Hang on, how the fuck does he KNOW you stashed it in a cupboard? Did he find the letters? He’s guessing at best and using your past behaviour to justify his ‘theory’ that it’s your fault. Grey Rock his ass

Maxwelll · 08/03/2023 18:28

I'd be livid if someone moved my post and put it in a cupboard and I never knew it was there so I couldn't deal with it. Makes no sense that you cleared it away while you weren't living there. Why come in and move post? That would do my head in. But either way, it's done now and there's absolutely no point in the both of you going round in circles, what's done is done.

Piggleton · 08/03/2023 18:33

Just an after thought….if he knows you put mail in the cupboard when tidying, wouldn’t you think he’d know to check said cupboard?!

thecatsthecats · 08/03/2023 18:35

He sounds incredibly wound up. Is it true that a) you moved it and b) you haven't said sorry?

He's reacting very badly, but then it is a stressful situation. I'm afraid I would be feeling pretty pissed off if I had missed an important piece of post stuck in a cupboard. I stack my husband's post on the breakfast bar, he insists on bringing mine (a mix of work and personal) to my work desk rather than leaving it to me to sort and prioritise.

This does not excuse continual speeding fines, or generally being a dick. But it seems like there's a case for him being a bit pissed off for the SMALL PART you played in this.

hettie · 08/03/2023 18:39

In the nicest possible way he is totally bullshiiting you. There is no way you go from initial letter re speeding to £1k fine in one letter. There would be several letters that he would have ignored to get to that point. He's lashing out goes he's messed up get rid of him

Daleksatemyshed · 08/03/2023 18:43

Don't bother defending yourself Op, that's not what he wants, he wants to whinge that it's ALL YOUR FAULT because you made him break the speed limit on multiple occasions and now he'll be taken to task by the big bad men at the court.
What a manbaby he is, just reading the texts from him makes me cringe. Maybe one last text to tell him to grow up and stop trying to make his shortcomings your fault?

Aussiegirl123456 · 08/03/2023 18:43

thecatsthecats · 08/03/2023 18:35

He sounds incredibly wound up. Is it true that a) you moved it and b) you haven't said sorry?

He's reacting very badly, but then it is a stressful situation. I'm afraid I would be feeling pretty pissed off if I had missed an important piece of post stuck in a cupboard. I stack my husband's post on the breakfast bar, he insists on bringing mine (a mix of work and personal) to my work desk rather than leaving it to me to sort and prioritise.

This does not excuse continual speeding fines, or generally being a dick. But it seems like there's a case for him being a bit pissed off for the SMALL PART you played in this.

That’s IF OP did put the mail in the cupboard. She may not have even done so.

Even if she did, as she’s pointed out, it would have already either been laying around for a while or under a pile of other letters. So it was hardly a priority for the DH.

DH knows she puts mail in cupboard so has he plenty of opportunities since November to check and go through unopened mail.

DH got the letter because he broke the law. That’s not OP’s fault.

None of OP’s behaviour justifies him speaking to her like that.

What a gaslighting, evil little prick.

Maxwelll · 08/03/2023 18:43

hettie · 08/03/2023 18:39

In the nicest possible way he is totally bullshiiting you. There is no way you go from initial letter re speeding to £1k fine in one letter. There would be several letters that he would have ignored to get to that point. He's lashing out goes he's messed up get rid of him

It does. If you don't make contact within 28 days it's a £1k fine and points.

SRS29 · 08/03/2023 18:46

OP sounds like a keeper NOT ...what a twat

Aussiegirl123456 · 08/03/2023 18:48

Maxwelll · 08/03/2023 18:43

It does. If you don't make contact within 28 days it's a £1k fine and points.

Show quote history

Yes, so the letter regarding the increased fine would have arrived sometime in December/early Jan after the 28 days of non response.
The non response to that letter would be the summons to court, which is where they’re at.

You can request copies of previous correspondence to see dates of communication. There wouldn’t have been just the one letter. Unless there’s an undelivered letter still in circulation, which is quite unlikely but definitely possible.

LakeTiticaca · 08/03/2023 18:57

I'm pretty sure there would have been another letter between the original one and now.
He sounds like my exh. Everything was always my fault.
Stuck it for 3 years then kicked the narcissistic prick out.
Never looked back!!

red78hot · 08/03/2023 18:57

My OH got a speeding fine through the post , came addressed to me as the car was registered to me. Thing is it has xxxxxx metropolitan police stamped on the front so it wasn't like it would be left to one side.
Did they not have the local police stamped on the front. Might be a point to argue to them that something important like that should be identifiable.
Either way UANBU

piedbeauty · 08/03/2023 19:01

ZeldaB · 08/03/2023 17:35

Wow. Maybe it’s time walk away from this horrible person who (a) can’t work out how to drive at the correct speed (b) is too dumb to spot speed cameras (c) is too lazy to open his own mail and (d) thinks it’s fine to swear at his wife?

This!

Maxwelll · 08/03/2023 19:01

red78hot · 08/03/2023 18:57

My OH got a speeding fine through the post , came addressed to me as the car was registered to me. Thing is it has xxxxxx metropolitan police stamped on the front so it wasn't like it would be left to one side.
Did they not have the local police stamped on the front. Might be a point to argue to them that something important like that should be identifiable.
Either way UANBU

Mine didn't have anything printed on the envelope.

Dymaxion · 08/03/2023 19:05

Given that he has had several previous speeding fines, you would think he would recognise the type of envelope the notification comes in when he picks up the post ?

Sensibletrousers · 08/03/2023 19:09

@prettyraindrops Forget the issue with the letter and who is at fault etc.

He talks to you like he utterly hates your guts.

I didn’t grow up around people talking to “loved” ones like that, and could never imagine accepting someone who claimed to love me talking me like he talks to you (no matter if I’d made a mistake). 100% unacceptable.

Raise your bar, and let your children see you raise it. This is not how loved ones talk to each other in ANY circumstances. If you don’t show them now, you risk your children walking into similarly disrespectful, abusive friendships and relationships.

He sounds like a whiny, irresponsible, venomous manbaby. How attractive!

EL8888 · 08/03/2023 19:13

GabriellaMontez · 08/03/2023 17:44

Received in November? And since November there has been no reminder, he's just received a court summons this week?

OR have there been several unopened letters?

All good points. I call bullshit on him. He’s either not bothered to open them or he’s opened them and ignored them. All on him

EL8888 · 08/03/2023 19:14

Also it’s interesting that OP queries she might be at fault. Whereas husband is straight in the attack and thinks he totally blameless in it all. It’s quite indicative

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 08/03/2023 19:14

I don’t know why you bothered sending that long reply to him. Why are you engaging with the nonsense? He has no respect for you at all. I would be ending the relationship he sounds horrible.

Dymaxion · 08/03/2023 19:16

His last one came through in November, but the letter got put away and he didn't see it.

So what made him go looking for it ? or did he spontaneously decided to do a cupboard clear out and just discovered it ?

Lilly11a · 08/03/2023 19:18

I had similar.
My ( now ) ex got very very drunk at a wake , fell over , I spent about 1 hour looking for him as he was running all over town .

I finally got him home , put him to bed ( at about 7pm ) . 7am I had to leave for work , grabbed a letter , wrote on the back on it what had happened .

The letter( not opened ) was from his phone company saying they were going to debit £150 for repairs to a phone , he d previously smashed drunk .

It was then my fault that he got the charge.....

As I d use the envelope as he then threw the note away the next day

CalistoNoSolo · 08/03/2023 19:20

Just tell him to fuck off already. What an absolute loser he sounds.

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 08/03/2023 19:26

This relationship has come to its end. Your name calling and his unreasonable accusations. Just draw a line under it.

bunnypenny · 08/03/2023 19:35

Aussiegirl123456 · 08/03/2023 18:48

Yes, so the letter regarding the increased fine would have arrived sometime in December/early Jan after the 28 days of non response.
The non response to that letter would be the summons to court, which is where they’re at.

You can request copies of previous correspondence to see dates of communication. There wouldn’t have been just the one letter. Unless there’s an undelivered letter still in circulation, which is quite unlikely but definitely possible.

Show quote history

It happened to me like that - I received a letter saying I had been speeding. I admitted it and then next letter I got was a court summons several months later. Nothing in between so I ended up having to go to court - magistrate wasn’t remotely interested in my explanation that I hadn’t received any other letters about it.

Dymaxion · 08/03/2023 19:39

This relationship has come to its end. Your name calling and his unreasonable accusations. Just draw a line under it.

I agree that she would be mad to continue in a relationship with this man, but haven't seen her calling him names ? only him swearing and carrying on at her ?