Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I'm at fault?

149 replies

prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 17:25

DH has had several speeding fines. His last one came through in November, but the letter got put away and he didn't see it.
So now as he's only just responded there is a threat of court and a £1k fine.
He's taking it out on me saying I should say sorry as it was me who put the letter in the cupboard apparently.. I don't remember but if it was it must've been on the side ages and I thought I was junk Mail.

He's says I've "really fucked him over" and I "owe him an apology" and I'm not taking responsibility for me actions?

AIBU to think it's not right wanting me to apologise and take what feels like half the blame for something I may or may not have done? We weren't even living together full time in November as we had separated for a while!

OP posts:
Yogazmum · 08/03/2023 17:51

He’s gas lighting you. It’s not the first time he’s been caught speeding and now he’s acting like a complete wan%er trying to lay the blame on you for ‘putting the letter away’ instead of owning the fact he’s clearly a bell end who can’t stick to the speed limits.
Turn it round on him… had he stuck to the legal limit, not broken the law and driven competently, then he wouldn’t be looking at a fine and (hopefully) points on his licence.
What an ars*hole!

LovedmyRaleighChopper · 08/03/2023 17:53

He sounds horrible and that lack of respect must be very draining to live with. But yeah, tidying away unopened mail is an odd habit which sooner or later will have consequences. Shoving things away undealt with isn’t really tidying is it? You do sound a bit fixated on proving this isn’t your fault too. If you can’t deal with a simple problem as a partnership I can see why you separated but I can’t really see why you got back together.

smashin · 08/03/2023 17:54

It’s his name on the letter. It’s his bloody responsibility. In everyone’s eyes. It’s not your fault he’s a shit driver that attracts several speeding fines. Don’t let him talk to you like this. The only person who’s fucked him, is him. Tell him to fuck right off and ask why he didn’t learn his lesson after the first fine?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/03/2023 17:55

Hmm. I'm not sure if it's as black and white for me as it is for everyone else.

I am really busy. It can take me a few days to open post sometimes. I have to say that I would be pretty pissed off if my DH "tidied" my post away without really checking what it was or whether I had looked at it properly. I can't really see how that happens unless you do it quite carelessly.

I'm not saying that it's your fault by the way, and regardless, his behaviour sounds dreadful and I think you're probably better off without him. But honestly, I would be annoyed if someone took it upon themselves to tidy away my stuff without checking with me first.

Also, you said that you weren't living together fully at the time the letter arrived. So we're you living in the house or was he? Ie was it sitting unopened because he wasn't even living there at the time or were you tidying stuff up in a house that you weren't actually living in?

In any case, he's horrible and the whole thing was his fault for speeding in the first place, so I would be telling him where to go.

Clarinet1 · 08/03/2023 17:56

I’m sorry OP but I think the rights and wrongs of the parking fine are the least of your problems. I think that your husband is treating you
unreasonably and with no respect. Why would you want to support him in this and what kind of role model are you creating for your DC?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/03/2023 17:56

GabriellaMontez · 08/03/2023 17:44

Received in November? And since November there has been no reminder, he's just received a court summons this week?

OR have there been several unopened letters?

That's a good point. I have never had a speeding fine but do they usually send reminders?

Original poster
prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 17:57

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves no, me and the children left the house and have been living with my mum. At the time I was only spending 1-2 nights a week there, and not much more now.
He works from home 3-4 days a week and is there much more often than I am. I completely get the being annoyed at me, I do. But is saying its all my fault a bit much?
I've had another message..

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 17:58

As far as I'm aware there were no reminders, I'm guessing he's ransacked the cupboard and that was the only one. He submitted the acknowledgement of the letter the other day and then the court summons came through today as it's been longer than the 28 days or whatever you get to reply.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/03/2023 17:59

If you dump his nasty, useless arse, you won't end up paying his fine - the one he got from driving like a cunt. And no more bullshit abuse blaming you for something that wouldn't have been a problem had he kept to the speed limit.

Basilis · 08/03/2023 18:01

Who cares. He sounds horrible. I couldn't be doing with anybody who demanded apologies. It's happened, it was unfortunate, move on.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2023 18:02

The ins and outs don't matter one jot op.

It's irrelevant.

What matters is he's horrible.

Original poster
prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 18:03

"This, in a nutshell sums you up. As long as you’re alright bollocks to anyone else.

I might have to go to fucking court cause of you and you don’t even have an ounce of sympathy, no sorry, nothing! You just don’t give a fuck about anyone but yourself"

Is the latest.

OP posts:
SavBlancTonight · 08/03/2023 18:04

So, just to clarify - you weren't even living in the house. at some point, you came in, and tidied up the big pile of post that he was simply ignoring and now it is YOUR fault the the has a fine?

I mean, as someone who is SHIT at post, I get it. And sometimes DH tidies up the post and stashes it. But I'm fully aware that because I'ms hit at post, I have to go through that pile that DH puts away every now and again. Also, I DO check every day for anything obviously important - and as I've received TWO driving penalty notices recently I can testify to the fact that those envelopes are almost impossible to miss.

Also, the way he's speaking to you is unacceptable. DH and I might well get annoyed with each other and ac conversation about who lost something is one we have too often. But neither one of us would ever speak to the other one in the way your H is speaking to you.

Whammyyammy · 08/03/2023 18:04

Well of he didn't speed, there would not of been a letter at all. He's a dick andvits his own fault

SavBlancTonight · 08/03/2023 18:05

By the way, those messages are the kind of messages SIL gets from her ex. When they were together and also now. He's a narcissistic dickhead who is completely unable to take responsibility for his own actions or see anyone else's point of view.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/03/2023 18:06

Of course it's a bit much to say that it was all your fault. He was the one speeding in the first place!

I don't understand though...if you were only going back for 1-2 nights a week, why would you have even bothered tidying up his stuff? And how would you know that something had been sitting there unopened for a few days if you hadn't actually been around?

Don't get me wrong, he sounds awful and it seems like the relationship has well and truly run its course. I'm just trying to understand the situation from both sides.

NerrSnerr · 08/03/2023 18:07

Separate from him properly. I would tell him now the only communication from him will be in regards to divorce and child related matters and stop going to the house. You can't 'put any more letters in the cupboard' then.

Changingplace · 08/03/2023 18:07

GabriellaMontez · 08/03/2023 17:44

Received in November? And since November there has been no reminder, he's just received a court summons this week?

OR have there been several unopened letters?

Exactly what I was thinking, surely you get more than one letter in this situation?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/03/2023 18:09

SavBlancTonight · 08/03/2023 18:04

So, just to clarify - you weren't even living in the house. at some point, you came in, and tidied up the big pile of post that he was simply ignoring and now it is YOUR fault the the has a fine?

I mean, as someone who is SHIT at post, I get it. And sometimes DH tidies up the post and stashes it. But I'm fully aware that because I'ms hit at post, I have to go through that pile that DH puts away every now and again. Also, I DO check every day for anything obviously important - and as I've received TWO driving penalty notices recently I can testify to the fact that those envelopes are almost impossible to miss.

Also, the way he's speaking to you is unacceptable. DH and I might well get annoyed with each other and ac conversation about who lost something is one we have too often. But neither one of us would ever speak to the other one in the way your H is speaking to you.

The thing is, I'm shit at post. (I have adhd if that makes any difference.)

If there was a pile of post that I hadn't opened, I wouldn't be at all happy if DH just put it away. I would expect him to leave it there or, if it was annoying him, I would expect him to ask me to deal with it.

In any case, if the OP wasn't living there, I don't understand how she would have known that it had been lying around for days in any case.

HansBanans · 08/03/2023 18:12

From reading his messages I'd have thought you'd married my EXH! Agree with PP's, time to separate again.

GabriellaMontez · 08/03/2023 18:13

prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 17:58

As far as I'm aware there were no reminders, I'm guessing he's ransacked the cupboard and that was the only one. He submitted the acknowledgement of the letter the other day and then the court summons came through today as it's been longer than the 28 days or whatever you get to reply.

Bullshit! He's gaslighting you!

One letter in November? I don't think so.

Have you seen exactly what the letter says? I bet it mentions the reminder that he's not telling you about because he's a twat and wants to blame you for this.

UdoU · 08/03/2023 18:14

Tel the dickhead to take responsibility for his own fuck ups and not to blame you.

If he had opened his letter when it arrived he wouldn't be in this shit.

Do NOT apologise.

Tell him to fuck off.

Original poster
prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 18:20

I've just sent this..

To wonder if I'm at fault?
OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 08/03/2023 18:20

prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 18:03

"This, in a nutshell sums you up. As long as you’re alright bollocks to anyone else.

I might have to go to fucking court cause of you and you don’t even have an ounce of sympathy, no sorry, nothing! You just don’t give a fuck about anyone but yourself"

Is the latest.

Block him.

Zcity · 08/03/2023 18:20

prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 18:03

"This, in a nutshell sums you up. As long as you’re alright bollocks to anyone else.

I might have to go to fucking court cause of you and you don’t even have an ounce of sympathy, no sorry, nothing! You just don’t give a fuck about anyone but yourself"

Is the latest.

My reply would be:

"Absolutely. Thank you for pointing out what an awful person I am for letting you speed, that was my fault too most likely, and for your inaction replying to your own mail.

This is far below the standard a wife should meet and so I'll completely agree to a divorce. As much as I enjoy being blamed for your irresponsibility, and relish being sworn at, it's clear you deserve to be with someone on your own level.

No worries about contacting me again, let's go through solicitors. Just make sure you open your mail as you may miss something important from them."