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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I'm at fault?

149 replies

prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 17:25

DH has had several speeding fines. His last one came through in November, but the letter got put away and he didn't see it.
So now as he's only just responded there is a threat of court and a £1k fine.
He's taking it out on me saying I should say sorry as it was me who put the letter in the cupboard apparently.. I don't remember but if it was it must've been on the side ages and I thought I was junk Mail.

He's says I've "really fucked him over" and I "owe him an apology" and I'm not taking responsibility for me actions?

AIBU to think it's not right wanting me to apologise and take what feels like half the blame for something I may or may not have done? We weren't even living together full time in November as we had separated for a while!

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 08/03/2023 20:43

maybe he should go to court serves him right

he sounds abusive and a narc nothing is ever their fault

how many fines has he had-you cant just keep totting up points

Cloudhoppingdancer · 08/03/2023 20:43

I can see why you separated.

LeftyLou · 08/03/2023 20:44

prettyraindrops · 08/03/2023 18:03

"This, in a nutshell sums you up. As long as you’re alright bollocks to anyone else.

I might have to go to fucking court cause of you and you don’t even have an ounce of sympathy, no sorry, nothing! You just don’t give a fuck about anyone but yourself"

Is the latest.

Pathetic little man!

Pixiedust1234 · 08/03/2023 20:55

We weren't even living together full time in November as we had separated for a while!

You need to reactivate the separation and make it permanent. I suspect everything has been your fault for a while. If he hadnt been speeding then none of this would have happened. Its his fault from beginning to end. Dont you dare apologise!!

WandaWonder · 08/03/2023 20:57

Do you really need to ask? Do you honestly think he is right? If so you really could do with getting some support from your gp for referral to a counsellor or some other support

Molecule · 08/03/2023 21:01

My exh never opened his post, and I too would get the blame. One memorable one was his bowel screening letter/test kit. A reminder came that he did open, then wanted to know where the original was. I told him it was in the pile of unopened mail. Apparently it was my fault he hadn’t opened it, and I wasn’t bothered if he died (very true actually).

Anything truly important I would have to open and tell him to read it, not enough to leave it in a prominent position and assume he would look at it.

When we split up I was going through his piles of unopened mail and found bank statements for what turned out to be a joint mortgage account. The mortgage was paid off, but the account had over £12k in it. I was able to close it and pop the money in my own account. He had no idea about the account, and come the financial disclosures was none too pleased.

JudgeRudy · 08/03/2023 21:03

I'd say on the balance of probability you did put it in the cupboard. In another relationship though the conversation would have gone very differently. As a couple you would have both been concerned and worked out how WE could resolve it
It really doesn't sound like you're on the same side Pretty. You're saying it's his fault for being both untidy and speeding in the first place. He thinks you don't give a shitvabout him and you've scuppered him. You're saying I shouldn't have to apologise and he's demanding you do.
Is this your default positions? I bet you've been here before. You gave it a 2nd (3rd, 4th?) go....Time to call it quits before you hate each other.

Supergirl1958 · 08/03/2023 21:04

Jesus! What a huge overreaction and a massive 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Mummystevo · 08/03/2023 21:05

He shouldn’t have been speeding then he wouldn’t have got the letter, his fault not yours

Honeyroar · 08/03/2023 21:10

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 08/03/2023 17:30

Time to separate again. What a horrible person. You have one life. Please don’t waste it on this horrible. The way he speaks to you is not love.

This.

All his talk of taking responsibility for actions seems to be a one way system. His messages are horrible. You gave it another chance, it’s clearly not worth it.

CaveatmTOR · 08/03/2023 21:13

LTB

MrsMorrisey · 08/03/2023 21:15

Stop speeding then, Dickhead!!!

Thesharkradar · 08/03/2023 21:16

get rid!
he sounds as dumb as a rock so it should be easy to outmaneuver him and stop him from punishing you further

billy1966 · 08/03/2023 21:18

He's scum.

Do your children a huge favour and formalise the separation.

He is one ugly man.

He takes zero responsibility for HIS behaviour and his go to is to abusive bullying behaviour.

Stay with your mother and keep your children away from such vile behaviour.

He clearly is very comfortable using you as his emotional punching bag.

IcedBananas · 08/03/2023 21:39

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/03/2023 17:38

He sounds horrible, OP. Why are you with him?

That said, I do think it's a bit odd to put an unopened letter in a cupboard. Wouldn't you either open it first or give it to the person it was addressed to? Is he right that you're the only person who puts stuff in that cupboard?

A pp was absolutely right in saying that he is as responsible for the post as you are, but if you cleared an unopened letter away out of sight before he had actually read it, I do think that you're partly to blame for him having missed it.

I wouldn't expect my DH to "hide" post that I hadn't opened. If it was lying around for ages, I'd expect him to either ask me to deal with it or just leave it there.

I agree with this. Also most people who picked up a letter addressed to them would instinctively open it before doing anything else with it. It seems unlikely to me that he’s put it in the cupboard without opening it. I think he has a right to be angry if you cleared away an unopened letter that then cost him £1k and a court appearance. How did you react when he asked you about it? Have you offered to help him sort the situation? this can’t be the first time a fine letter has not made it to the intended recipient. Did you offer to help him by googling it or checking the dvla website? Or anything like that? How have you both been getting on in general? His messages don’t sound like that of a loving partner.

smashin · 08/03/2023 21:43

@IcedBananas I disagree - loads of people don’t open their post due to things like anxiety. I’ve definitely come across threads on here mentioning it. It’s completely plausible that he recognised the letter exterior, cause he’s been fined before for speeding, and buried his head in the sand.

Zanatdy · 08/03/2023 21:48

What a dick, tell him to stop fucking speeding and risking peoples live’s and he won’t get a fine. There’s no chance I’d be in a relationship with someone who texted me that message. I’d be telling him to pack bag

BlueSeaWave · 08/03/2023 21:54

He was the one speeding.
he was the one receiving his post and didn’t deal with it. He’s angry that dealing with post and admin is a woman’s job and your fault p, he’s a man don’t you know.
Seriously, move out permanently

IcedBananas · 08/03/2023 22:06

No matter who did what, the way the conversation about it has gone just seems so awful and unhealthy. It’s all about blame, anger, and abuse rather than a partnership who support each other through and work together to solve this problem. Shit happens it’s how you deal with it as a couple that’s important and this really doesn’t bode well for the relationship in general.

Knickerthief1 · 08/03/2023 22:11

GabriellaMontez · 08/03/2023 17:44

Received in November? And since November there has been no reminder, he's just received a court summons this week?

OR have there been several unopened letters?

This!

dddxxx · 08/03/2023 22:12

Jesus he sounds like my DP.

its not your fault. He shouldn’t of been speeding, the prick

Dibbydoos · 08/03/2023 22:12

Wow, nice guy (not) and he's an adult (not). Stay separated, he is not good for you.

He was speeding, he knew he'd been caught, looking out for the notice is completely on him.

LaughingCat · 08/03/2023 22:16

Yeah, the guy sounds like a prize pillock.

I’ve got ADHD, so I get low key annoyed when my wonderfully patient and lovely cleaner tidies all the paperwork I’ve been avoiding for weeks into a single pile away somewhere so she can do her job properly and then I completely forget about it but a) I have never, ever said anything to her about it because b) I know it’s my responsibility to adult properly and therefore my fault if I don’t handle my shit in a timely, responsible fashion.

That stubborn refusal of his to focus on solving the issue, instead trying to get you to accept blame for something that may or may not be your fault, must be exhausting, @prettyraindrops.

I would tell him that I’m going to refuse to engage further on this until he’s reflected on his actions and that I’ll be there for his apology when he’s ready.

Divebar2021 · 08/03/2023 22:24

There’s no way he wouldn’t have recognised the letter even if it didn’t have identifying words on the outside. I had a fine for driving in a bus lane recently and immediately saw the envelope and thought “oh shit”. How many other letters do you get that look like that? The odd letter from the tax office or DVLA maybe. He chose not to open it and address it at the time. Maybe you tidied it away but him shouting the odds at you isn’t going to solve his issue…. He was still the one speeding. He’s going to have to suck it up …. It’s probably going to make up for all the times he’s driven like an arsehole and got away with it.

Cornishclio · 08/03/2023 22:30

I would tell him his next communication should be via your solicitor.