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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparent support excessive?

124 replies

Biilie82 · 07/03/2023 20:28

So my friends have the best set up for childcare, there are 3 sets of grandparents and between them they cover morning childcare, getting the kids ready and taking them to school every day. They also do every pick up and watch the kids for several hours after school,give them their tea etc this is on top of doing the morning in which they arrive 2 hours before school start time.
my friend do work but there are already 2 adults in that household. it just feels excessive to me. If my friends ever go away on holiday a member of family spends days at their house, cleaning it, getting food in etc.
I can’t imagine this level of input !
maybe I’m just a jealous cow!!

OP posts:
Flossiemoss · 07/03/2023 20:33

Jealousy. but to make you feel better your friend cannot move without 3 sets of parents knowing all their business. Neither can anyone have a quiet morning or a domestic without them all knowing.

Original poster
Biilie82 · 07/03/2023 20:42

Maybe I am just jealous, another example is when one of their dCs had an injury, within minutes the grandparents were called and came round, mum and dad were both already there and I had their daughter round at mine as she didn’t want to see his injury!

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 07/03/2023 20:45

Do your friends work long hours then?

cptartapp · 07/03/2023 20:46

Enmeshed. They'll be so beholden.

BIGB00BS · 07/03/2023 20:46

Jealous yes, but I'd hate to not be able to go for a shit and everyone know about it. Far too much, and not only that it doesn't sound like they are bringing their own kids up at all.

Bunnyishotandcross · 07/03/2023 20:48

Roll on a few decades. Your dc will be grown up and your relationships will blossom.. Your friends will be too busy running around after aged relatives to enjoy the freedom of adult dc...

Nimbostratus100 · 07/03/2023 20:51

sounds like a completely different culture - I have friends who have so much family around that if she is late opening her bedroom curtains in the morning they are all texting this news to each other and speculating about why!

I wouldn't be jealous, it sounds exhausting, and no privacy

CarrieSmisher · 07/03/2023 20:58

There's no such thing as free childcare. That amount of help doesn't come without obligation.

Redebs · 07/03/2023 21:03

CarrieSmisher · 07/03/2023 20:58

There's no such thing as free childcare. That amount of help doesn't come without obligation.

I disagree. I've provided a helluva lot of care for a grandchild in the last couple of years and was glad to be able to do so. Did it out of love.
Now I'm no longer needed, I'm tiptoeing off to do my own thing.

qpmz · 07/03/2023 21:07

It might be a bit suffocating at times... the kids will be build amazing relationships with their grandparents though.

So many parents on Mumsnet say they have absolutely no family support which I think is quite sad. I always wonder why, do the extended family not care or want to travel any distance to see them? We all need help. The children benefit from consistent relationships with people other than their parents.

Badbudgeter · 07/03/2023 21:08

I have been mightily jealous of friends when they had help from relations whilst I’ve had to pay for childcare. It’s nice there are so many lovely kind grandparents. Obviously there is a freedom when it comes to not being beholden to anyone by I’d of swapped when the Dc were small.

Original poster
Biilie82 · 07/03/2023 21:09

Ginger1982 · 07/03/2023 20:45

Do your friends work long hours then?

Not especially, both have 9 to 5 jobs, he works from home most of the week!!

OP posts:
Ames85 · 07/03/2023 21:11

Your friend is very lucky. We have had next to no help. If my children choose to have children and want my help, I will absolutely be doing all I can to help them. I know how hard it is with no one

unfortunateevents · 07/03/2023 21:11

Bunnyishotandcross · 07/03/2023 20:48

Roll on a few decades. Your dc will be grown up and your relationships will blossom.. Your friends will be too busy running around after aged relatives to enjoy the freedom of adult dc...

Not necessarily. There is no obligation on these friends to care for their parents and those who are good at taking a lot aren't always the best at giving back!

Original poster
Biilie82 · 07/03/2023 21:11

Nimbostratus100 · 07/03/2023 20:51

sounds like a completely different culture - I have friends who have so much family around that if she is late opening her bedroom curtains in the morning they are all texting this news to each other and speculating about why!

I wouldn't be jealous, it sounds exhausting, and no privacy

I get what you mean, however I think they just use the grandparents as much as possible!! It’s a stark difference to my set up!!

OP posts:
Kranke · 07/03/2023 21:12

Sounds great- I’m jealous!!

Original poster
Biilie82 · 07/03/2023 21:14

Ames85 · 07/03/2023 21:11

Your friend is very lucky. We have had next to no help. If my children choose to have children and want my help, I will absolutely be doing all I can to help them. I know how hard it is with no one

Same, I would want to do it for my DC and help as much as I can when the time comes

OP posts:
Dinogeorge · 07/03/2023 21:15

My parents do the getting ready for school, taking to school, picking up from school, after school care and sometimes dinner depending on how late I am getting back from work. DH works away a lot so I would be stuffed without their support. I count myself to be extremely lucky, I imagine your friend does too.

zorgoid · 07/03/2023 21:15

maybe I’m just a jealous cow!!

Yeah, wind yer neck in

Original poster
Biilie82 · 07/03/2023 21:16

unfortunateevents · 07/03/2023 21:11

Not necessarily. There is no obligation on these friends to care for their parents and those who are good at taking a lot aren't always the best at giving back!

Show quote history

Yea this!
I don’t think they realise what a good set up they have. The grandparents do have health issues and have been in and out of hospital, yet the ownas is still on them to hejo with the kids

OP posts:
Songbird54321 · 07/03/2023 21:20

I do all the morning routine and school drop off but 4 days a week the grandparents do school pick up for my eldest and have my youngest all day. They feed them and depending how late I am will bath them and put pj's on.
This help was all offered, we asked for none of it.
I am extremely grateful for it of course, but it works for everyone. I am able to work without extortionate nursery fees and my kids build a great relationship with their grandparents who want to spend time with them.
It does sound a lot like jealousy considering it should have zero effect on your life and is, quite frankly, none of your business

Thesearmsofmine · 07/03/2023 21:21

To me that would feel too much and intrusive, so I wouldn’t be jealous of it. The odd day of childcare every now and then would be lovely but this set up sounds suffocating.

Belledan1 · 07/03/2023 21:24

I used to work with someone like this. I had no help. She had two sets of grandparents. She used to laugh at me sorting what holidays my husband and I would take in the summer in April to work round my childminder and had it all on my planner. Also when asked what was doing the weekend she would say babysitting her kids! Kids used to stay over grandparents Mon to Thursday. One lot cooked meals her and husband tcould just heat up. In the end one set moved to Cornwall , think they had enough and sadly one died and his wife couldn't drive and suddenly she had no help. Think it was a bit of a shock.

Zanatdy · 07/03/2023 21:26

Great they’ve got so much support at hand, especially if they’re able to spend time together as a couple, which is important when kids are young. I have had experience of both sides as I have an older child when I was quite young so my parents provided a lot of support. Then we moved away, I had 2 more kids but being 4hrs drive away and other grandparents not close enough to babysit / provide childcare we used a nursery. In many ways it was better, we raised our children as we wanted without grandparents not allowing kids to get away with too much. But it meant we got very little support and couple time. So it’s not all wonderful

Original poster
Biilie82 · 07/03/2023 22:01

zorgoid · 07/03/2023 21:15

maybe I’m just a jealous cow!!

Yeah, wind yer neck in

😂

OP posts: