Page 2 | Grandparent support excessive?

Biilie82 · 2023-03-07T20:28:48+00:00

So my friends have the best set up for childcare, there are 3 sets of grandparents and between them they cover morning childcare, getting the kids ready and taking them to school every day. They also do every pick up and watch the kids for several hours after school,give them their tea etc this is on top of doing the morning in which they arrive 2 hours before school start time. my friend do work but there are already 2 adults in that household. it just feels excessive to me. If my friends ever go away on holiday a member of family spends days at their house, cleaning it, getting food in etc. I can’t imagine this level of input ! maybe I’m just a jealous cow!!

Snowpaw · 07/03/2023 22:22

I cannot imagine someone coming in my house at 7am to get my children ready for school. Surely if you’re up and getting your own breakfast ready it’s no more trouble to get breakfast for your own children. If you’re getting yourself dressed and washed it’s the work of minutes to help the kids with their’s. Why do you need another person? Transport to school I can see the point but I think the 2 hours before school is way too much.

Teafor1please · 07/03/2023 22:28

It does sound excessive. But equally I have no grandparent help, so probably deeply jealous!

SparkyBlue · 07/03/2023 22:31

While I'd love all help being offered to me I'd hate all the intrusion into my personal space so it wouldn't be for me.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 07/03/2023 23:32

2 of my sisters had similar help, they helped each other out and our DP used to also pick all the DC up and have them over for tea.

Saved them a lot of time and money, not just in childcare but in groceries.

20 years on the DC have made a point of sharing engagement etc news with parents, then grandparents and then the rest of the family. Specifically FaceTiming grandparents to share the news. One even shared with grandmother before mother!! 😬

There is a lovely closeness, which my DSs don't have.

My DF has now passed away and my DM is very ill and needs lots of care. My DM is just so sad that she can't help me with my DC. I personally never expected it, I made lots of life choices that made it impossible for anyone to help me (having DC much older and living far away for a long time) and I just got on with things myself.

cptartapp · 08/03/2023 08:09

qpmz · 07/03/2023 21:07

It might be a bit suffocating at times... the kids will be build amazing relationships with their grandparents though.

So many parents on Mumsnet say they have absolutely no family support which I think is quite sad. I always wonder why, do the extended family not care or want to travel any distance to see them? We all need help. The children benefit from consistent relationships with people other than their parents.

I'm not so sure. My nephews were brought up next door to PIL who were completely absorbed in their lives and became a great source of irritation and frustration as they became teenagers. No novelty in seeing them. No special GP relationship.

BogRollBOGOF · 08/03/2023 08:44

qpmz · 07/03/2023 21:07

It might be a bit suffocating at times... the kids will be build amazing relationships with their grandparents though.

So many parents on Mumsnet say they have absolutely no family support which I think is quite sad. I always wonder why, do the extended family not care or want to travel any distance to see them? We all need help. The children benefit from consistent relationships with people other than their parents.

Grandparents are younger and work full time.
Grandparents are older and can't travel easily or look after children.
Work can push families hundreds of miles away from each other or to different countries.

If a couple of generations paced the age of giving birth so that the grandparents are at the sweet spot of early retirement, but good health and energy to be involved in family life (plus the disposition to do so) then that's very lucky.

There's not much you can do about grandparent age if it's one extreme or the other.

Liorae · 08/03/2023 08:50

BogRollBOGOF · 08/03/2023 08:44

Grandparents are younger and work full time.
Grandparents are older and can't travel easily or look after children.
Work can push families hundreds of miles away from each other or to different countries.

If a couple of generations paced the age of giving birth so that the grandparents are at the sweet spot of early retirement, but good health and energy to be involved in family life (plus the disposition to do so) then that's very lucky.

There's not much you can do about grandparent age if it's one extreme or the other.

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The "sweet spot" of early retirement is not available to the majority of those who work for a living. Another example of the Mumsnet middle class bubble.

UndertheCedartree · 08/03/2023 08:51

qpmz · 07/03/2023 21:07

It might be a bit suffocating at times... the kids will be build amazing relationships with their grandparents though.

So many parents on Mumsnet say they have absolutely no family support which I think is quite sad. I always wonder why, do the extended family not care or want to travel any distance to see them? We all need help. The children benefit from consistent relationships with people other than their parents.

In my case most of the grandparents live abroad and the one does live here, actually in the same city doesn't want to know. My parents do like spending time with them when we go there or they come here, though.

RidingMyBike · 08/03/2023 08:57

qpmz · 07/03/2023 21:07

It might be a bit suffocating at times... the kids will be build amazing relationships with their grandparents though.

So many parents on Mumsnet say they have absolutely no family support which I think is quite sad. I always wonder why, do the extended family not care or want to travel any distance to see them? We all need help. The children benefit from consistent relationships with people other than their parents.

No extended family in our case - we have no aunts, uncles or cousins as our parents were only children. Three of our parents are dead (years before our child was born) the surviving one didn't want to be involved with grandchildren and lives five hours away anyway.

On the plus side no arguments about which family members to invite to our wedding and plenty of room for our friends!

RidingMyBike · 08/03/2023 09:02

Yes, I have sometimes been jealous of friends with a lot of family support - we found it very difficult to cover things like dental appointments when DD was a baby for instance.

But we've used paid for childcare to fill the gaps and built our own support network of friends and involved Godparents so we do have support. And from people we choose to have in our lives!

FourTeaFallOut · 08/03/2023 09:08

I am not sure whether it sounds absolutely amazing or if that sheer scale of help would ultimately engender the kind of dependency which leads to feeling helpless and displaced?

M08my · 08/03/2023 09:15

That sounds really nice for them but could come with hidden downsides (just trying to cheer you up):

Unsolicited advice
Disagreement with your parenting decisions
You'd have to be fully dressed and presentable from the minute you wake up because your in laws could arrive any minute
They all have spare keys...never a private moment with your husband
When the kid gets older, grandparents might undermine your parenting authority ("but Grandad said I could have that")
Never a quiet moment with just the nuclear family...having pancakes in front of the TV on a Sunday morning... But instead MIL will be rushing in getting excited to take the kids out etc

I'm super grateful for my DD's grandparents, they are wonderful and love to help, but also kind of thankful that the closest ones are a 5h drive away...they don’t pop in unexpectedly!

Namechangedagain20 · 08/03/2023 09:17

When my youngest was born I had a 4 year old and 18 month old. DH works late shifts every other week so my parents offered to come round in the afternoons to help out, which I accepted. But after a couple of months I hated it. I felt I couldn’t do anything without them knowing, felt like the house had to be ready all the time and I couldn’t just slob about and it was just too often to see them. Fortunately me and the kids got Covid and had to isolate so I told them afterwards I’d got a good routine going during that time as was just going to stick with that and only saw them once a week after that. The problem with that level of childcare is you can feel a bit trapped.

jannier · 08/03/2023 09:19

I can't imagine being that immature I'm unable to be independent to that degree It sounds like there are some issues behind that surely you want your own home and family and to adult not effectively be living with parents in a house size bedroom

Ozcando · 08/03/2023 09:21

CarrieSmisher · 07/03/2023 20:58

There's no such thing as free childcare. That amount of help doesn't come without obligation.

What is your comment based on? I look after grandchild regularly and overnight once a week…there are absolutely NO obligations! Am lucky enough to have the time ,energy and motivation and do it out of love for my daughter and grandchild.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/03/2023 09:24

I’d have hated that. Would have felt like an invasion 😁

ImAvingOops · 08/03/2023 09:32

There's a happy medium I think and your friends are too far one way.
I had my dc quite young and had a lot of help with childcare etc, but I still got my own kids ready in the morning, had them with me after work. It isn't right imo to expect grandparents to do the bulk of actual parenting - they've done their bit and while help is always lovely, they are entitled to their own time too.
We live in the same town as my parents and sister - it's been wonderful for my kids and there's a close relationship with the grandparents, especially the older 2 kids who were looked after more by my folks when they were little.
But we aren't in each other's pockets and that's how I like it. I would go nuts not being able to do anything without all the gps having an opinion on it!

Liorae · 08/03/2023 10:06

Ozcando · 08/03/2023 09:21

What is your comment based on? I look after grandchild regularly and overnight once a week…there are absolutely NO obligations! Am lucky enough to have the time ,energy and motivation and do it out of love for my daughter and grandchild.

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I'd like to hear your daughter's side of that one.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 08/03/2023 10:07

I used to envy that when mine were small. Paid for every scrap of childcare. But I think there is often a price to paid for that level of interference in your day to day life.
I would have loved for a doting auntie or nan to have collected from school, or covered the odd day of sick. 3 kids, from 1999 to today, nothing!

OrraBoralis · 08/03/2023 10:14

Redebs · 07/03/2023 21:03

I disagree. I've provided a helluva lot of care for a grandchild in the last couple of years and was glad to be able to do so. Did it out of love.
Now I'm no longer needed, I'm tiptoeing off to do my own thing.

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I agree with Redebs. I'm very, very happy to provide childcare for my wee ones and will also be happy when they don't need it. No strings attached.

Ozcando · 08/03/2023 10:15

Liorae · 08/03/2023 10:06

I'd like to hear your daughter's side of that one.

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What’s your problem ? Why does there have to be an obligation from either party ?
Daughter is grateful for any help I can give her. Nothing wrong with having a supportive family . Sorry if that’s something you haven’t benefited from or do you hold that opinion against all grandparents,families etc .

Preparepepper · 08/03/2023 10:18

Imagine having kids and then can't be arsed to even get them dressed 😂

It'll fizzle out OP. Usually when their teens and grandparents are no longer required. I've seen it happen a few times.

Don't compare and just enjoy your life x

Preparepepper · 08/03/2023 10:18

They're*

Liorae · 08/03/2023 10:20

Ozcando · 08/03/2023 10:15

What’s your problem ? Why does there have to be an obligation from either party ?
Daughter is grateful for any help I can give her. Nothing wrong with having a supportive family . Sorry if that’s something you haven’t benefited from or do you hold that opinion against all grandparents,families etc .

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You seem rather defensive. I wonder why.

Cassiehopes · 08/03/2023 10:21

100% normal in a lot of different countries around the world. In a lot of Asian countries, parents even move in when the baby is born. I’m living in an Asian country now and my friend has just given birth - her parents have moved here from hundreds of miles away to help raise the baby. It’s totally normal here. Same in my husband’s country.